MEN: What incentives are there in a "more than friends, but less than a relationship"

[paigej91]

That ISN'T a FWB relationship with regular sex. In fact, I refuse to have sex unless there's something real and told him straight-up.

 

Do you genuinely enjoy this girl's company that much and are willing to sacrifice not sleeping with her, but occasionally make love? Or do you view her as a potential girlfriend "for later" and thus, maintain contact with her? Or something else entirely? I'm trying to get the average 20-something male perspective on this.

 

--

Optional read:

Most of the time I don't think about it, but sometimes I question why we are still in regular touch with each other when dating didn't work out (I was frustrated emotionally and he physically) and plain platonic friendship is impossible due to mutual physical attraction and mental fascination/intrigue with one another- there's always that spark in the air. I can speak for myself, but what incentive(s) would there be from the man's side? Typically men never maintain platonic friendship with me because they're physically attracted to me and aren't okay with being in the friend zone.

Edited October 21, 2013 by paigej91

[domple]

For me I dont do FWB, I was offered but didnt see the logic of it as she wanted me to do her every monday and friday night. I was like... that 2/7 days of the week im with someone I see no potential with.

[tlegend]

I personally prefer friends with benefits.

 

I have been hurt badly. I refuse to allow myself to trust and love like I once did. I know I have these issues, but I am happy being solo. At least for the time being.

 

Being friends with benefits allows me to have that intimacy without the fear of being hurt/rejected/lied to.

 

The one rule I do have, however, is that if I am friends with benefits with someone, I am monogamous within that .....relationship, for lack of better words.

 

If they meet someone and want to try dating them, I respect that boundary. But I know she will be back if he doesn't work out, or if he can't handle her in bed.

 

Thats my 2 cents so far....

[madjac74]

I personally prefer friends with bene

The one rule I do have, however, is that if I am friends with benefits with someone, I am monogamous within that .....relationship, for lack of better words.

 

 

Haha! Isn't that just called "being in a relationship"? So tell me if that person decided they wanted to bang someone else, that you would be able to just sever ties with them and not have any emotional attachment.

[crederer]

This doesn't make sense. More than friends but not in a relationship? So what are you? His/Her plan B?

[Leigh 87]

Haha! Isn't that just called "being in a relationship"? So tell me if that person decided they wanted to bang someone else, that you would be able to just sever ties with them and not have any emotional attachment.

 

 

 

Yes.

 

I spend days at a time hanging with my fwbs. And sometimes fck them. Mostly just hang sans sex.

 

We seem to both hold each other in high regard.

 

I have an emotional investment in my fwb:as good friends with slightly more intensity due to the sex.

 

Never cared less when they fell for someone romantically.

[emva07]

yes, i think sometimes it's the "i like you but this didn't work out, but I will take what I can get" situation.

 

I did this with an ex for a while, he was content getting the occasional sex even though he knew I never wanted to get back with him.

[Els]

 

Do you genuinely enjoy this girl's company that much and are willing to sacrifice not sleeping with her, but occasionally make love?

 

Last I checked, 'make love' was an euphemism for sex, yes?

[Mrlonelyone]

That ISN'T a FWB relationship with regular sex. In fact, I refuse to have sex unless there's something real and told him straight-up.

 

 

 

A FWB relationship with irregular sex is also good. Think of Jerry and Elain off Seinfeld.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't how old you are but I hope are not losing sleep over this. The guy doesn't like you enough to be his girlfriend. Simple as that.

 

He will hang out with you when he is lonely/bored/horny. Occasional sex and some companionship is what he wants until he meets the girl he is really into.

 

I was in exact same situation until recently. Only difference is, I knew the deal and didn't really give the guy a second thought, let alone invest emotions.

[tlegend]

Yes.

 

I spend days at a time hanging with my fwbs. And sometimes fck them. Mostly just hang sans sex.

 

We seem to both hold each other in high regard.

 

I have an emotional investment in my fwb:as good friends with slightly more intensity due to the sex.

 

Never cared less when they fell for someone romantically.

 

100%, she gets it.

 

Haha! Isn't that just called "being in a relationship"? So tell me if that person decided they wanted to bang someone else, that you would be able to just sever ties with them and not have any emotional attachment.

 

No, it isn't. We do not have any obligations to each other. However, with that being said, we both love and respect one another. She has an extremely active and stressful life, and I provide that escape for her.

 

If she meets a man who I approve of and she is really happy with, then I will rightfully step into my place as a platonic friend who is looking out for her best interests.

[Lost561]

Yes I agree with what eternal sunshine said. You are just the 2nd or 3rd option or something like that. Unless you are desperate for sex I'd move on.

[soccerrprp]

Yes.

 

I spend days at a time hanging with my fwbs. And sometimes fck them. Mostly just hang sans sex.

 

We seem to both hold each other in high regard.

 

I have an emotional investment in my fwb:as good friends with slightly more intensity due to the sex.

 

Never cared less when they fell for someone romantically.

 

Man this is soooo unhealthy. I hope you have regular STD check-ups....ugh.

[Leigh 87]

Yes I agree with what eternal sunshine said. You are just the 2nd or 3rd option or something like that. Unless you are desperate for sex I'd move on.

 

 

 

Actually, my fwb appreciate my 120 lbs size 4, 5f 5 frame. They definitely don't treat me like I'm not hot enough or good enough to date. Fact, they often lament that they wish their exes had a body like mine and had such a positive personality?

 

Some fwb have actually said they enjoy just hanging with me MORE than their exes. They just happen to fall hard for girls who end up having a lackluster personality.

 

Like me, they are fussy as to who they build a relationship with. Having adequate looks and personal attributes are NOT enough to build a relationship with.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm definitely not dumb enough to spread my legs for a person who looks at me as " a girl that isn't good enough to date, and is only good for sex".

 

 

No. Some people with fwb actually respect themselves. .......

 

As I said, my fwb are ALWAYS genuine friends wayyyyy before we even think about the " benefits" side of things. .........

 

 

It's basically like: okay, we are both single, horny and NOT just going to date unless someone really special comes along. we like talking for hours on end and we are very attracted to each other. Why not use each other for occasion benefits?

 

 

A Booty Call the thing guys reserve for girls that they don't like enough to spend time with outside of sex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not every one can fall head over heals for someone just because they are attractive and have an amazing personality.

 

Fwb doesn't mean they don't find you attractive enough to date; it doesn't mean they dont like your personality enough to date. They just aren't falling in love with you. It's nothing to do with not being " good enough"

 

 

 

Fwb gets a really bad wrap. Too bad for people like me who are very selective as to who I fwb with, who only has one fwb at a given time and who PREFERE a loving relationship yet doesn't want to wait for a year or two for the right person to come along!

[tlegend]

Actually, my fwb appreciate my 120 lbs size 4, 5f 5 frame. They definitely don't treat me like I'm not hot enough or good enough to date. Fact, they often lament that they wish their exes had a body like mine and had such a positive personality?

 

Some fwb have actually said they enjoy just hanging with me MORE than their exes. They just happen to fall hard for girls who end up having a lackluster personality.

 

Like me, they are fussy as to who they build a relationship with. Having adequate looks and personal attributes are NOT enough to build a relationship with.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm definitely not dumb enough to spread my legs for a person who looks at me as " a girl that isn't good enough to date, and is only good for sex".

 

 

No. Some people with fwb actually respect themselves. .......

 

As I said, my fwb are ALWAYS genuine friends wayyyyy before we even think about the " benefits" side of things. .........

 

 

It's basically like: okay, we are both single, horny and NOT just going to date unless someone really special comes along. we like talking for hours on end and we are very attracted to each other. Why not use each other for occasion benefits?

 

 

A Booty Call the thing guys reserve for girls that they don't like enough to spend time with outside of sex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not every one can fall head over heals for someone just because they are attractive and have an amazing personality.

 

Fwb doesn't mean they don't find you attractive enough to date; it doesn't mean they dont like your personality enough to date. They just aren't falling in love with you. It's nothing to do with not being " good enough"

 

 

 

Fwb gets a really bad wrap. Too bad for people like me who are very selective as to who I fwb with, who only has one fwb at a given time and who PREFERE a loving relationship yet doesn't want to wait for a year or two for the right person to come along!

 

Yeah pretty much spot on. Obviously from the different end of the spectrum being a female, but the same ideologies. Well said.

[Leigh 87]

Man this is soooo unhealthy. I hope you have regular STD check-ups....ugh.

 

 

 

Actually, I have had two long term bfs and I MUCH prefer sex in the context of a loving relationship.

 

Unfortunately, I really need to fall hard for someone and I have a feeling I'll be single for a god while before I settle down. It takes longer for people like me to find a partner due to being happy single and wanting to wait for someone I'm instantly smitten with and who feels the same way about me.

 

 

I have one fwb. I didn't mean fbs.

 

Even so, I get regular sti screens. I've never caught an STI.

 

I don't sleep around; I have ONE or two fwb over a YEAR long period.

 

Some people are just wired differently to yourself. I can derive a lot of satisfaction from cuddling with and occasionally fckibg a trusted fwb.

 

I much prefer cuddles with a guy I'm in love with and having a fwb doesn't diminish that.

[Leigh 87]

Yeah pretty much spot on. Obviously from the different end of the spectrum being a female, but the same ideologies. Well said.

 

 

 

Man, I'm not desperate enough to need to hook up with people who don't like or respect me. They ARE my friends first, lol!

 

I'm with a current fwb who loves thin girls with big boobs and butts. He's fallen for girls who look the OPPOSITE . Obviously, due to their personality and chemistry they shared.

 

He much prefers my curvy yet thin body to ALL his previous gfs. He also loves hanging with me for days on end. We talk for hours on end at night to the point where we can't sleep because we want to talk so badly.

 

Fwb aint ways a case of: wow no one really fancies me these days, I'm pretty starved for love and attention. I know, why not let some person who I'm not good enough for, fck me? Gee, now that'd really assist in developing my self esteem:lmao:

 

 

Truth: I don't actually like fwb all that much and only do it very occasionally, as I muchhhhhh prefer a loving R.

 

I don't normally fck a fwb, either. I just get them to give me a " helping hand"

[tlegend]

Man, I'm not desperate enough to need to hook up with people who don't like or respect me. They ARE my friends first, lol!

 

I'm with a current fwb who loves thin girls with big boobs and butts. He's fallen for girls who look the OPPOSITE . Obviously, due to their personality and chemistry they shared.

 

He much prefers my curvy yet thin body to ALL his previous gfs. He also loves hanging with me for days on end. We talk for hours on end at night to the point where we can't sleep because we want to talk so badly.

 

Fwb aint ways a case of: wow no one really fancies me these days, I'm pretty starved for love and attention. I know, why not let some person who I'm not good enough for, fck me? Gee, now that'd really assist in developing my self esteem:lmao:

 

 

Truth: I don't actually like fwb all that much and only do it very occasionally, as I muchhhhhh prefer a loving R.

 

I don't normally fck a fwb, either. I just get them to give me a " helping hand"

 

Hmmm, maybe as a guy I view it differently then.

 

To each their own.

[RedRobin]

Actually, my fwb appreciate my 120 lbs size 4, 5f 5 frame. They definitely don't treat me like I'm not hot enough or good enough to date. Fact, they often lament that they wish their exes had a body like mine and had such a positive personality?

 

Some fwb have actually said they enjoy just hanging with me MORE than their exes. They just happen to fall hard for girls who end up having a lackluster personality.

 

Like me, they are fussy as to who they build a relationship with. Having adequate looks and personal attributes are NOT enough to build a relationship with.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm definitely not dumb enough to spread my legs for a person who looks at me as " a girl that isn't good enough to date, and is only good for sex".

 

 

No. Some people with fwb actually respect themselves. .......

 

As I said, my fwb are ALWAYS genuine friends wayyyyy before we even think about the " benefits" side of things. .........

 

 

It's basically like: okay, we are both single, horny and NOT just going to date unless someone really special comes along. we like talking for hours on end and we are very attracted to each other. Why not use each other for occasion benefits?

 

 

A Booty Call the thing guys reserve for girls that they don't like enough to spend time with outside of sex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not every one can fall head over heals for someone just because they are attractive and have an amazing personality.

 

Fwb doesn't mean they don't find you attractive enough to date; it doesn't mean they dont like your personality enough to date. They just aren't falling in love with you. It's nothing to do with not being " good enough"

 

 

 

Fwb gets a really bad wrap. Too bad for people like me who are very selective as to who I fwb with, who only has one fwb at a given time and who PREFERE a loving relationship yet doesn't want to wait for a year or two for the right person to come along!

 

Thanks for posting this, Leigh. Your philosophy sounds a lot like a guy I went out with back in March-May. Mr. Ryan Gosling Look-Alike as he's known here.

 

He managed to keep this philosophy of his under wraps while he tried to convince me he wanted a relationship with ME... but it leaked out as he shared his relationship history and general ideas about relationships.

 

It freaked me out at first... because it is diametrically opposed to how *I* approach relationships... and I've had more than one guy try to sweet talk me into being the default FWB or try me out as a FB. I say... Try. but it always leaks out given enough time. A month or two is all it really takes for me to see through it.

 

I'd much prefer they were upfront about their preferred relationship style rather than try and convince me our value systems are compatible. You strike me as being very open about your style, which is VERY admirable. I wish more were.

 

... I went for a bike ride with Mr. R a couple of weeks ago... now he's texting me about how he's thinking about me and more 'activities'. Well... that's that. No more bike rides with Mr. R considering I already told him we weren't compatible that way. He just needs to go find someone who is ok with FWB/casual sex and stop bugging me.

[Leigh 87]

Hmmm, maybe as a guy I view it differently then.

 

To each their own.

 

 

 

Some guys only do fwb with friends due to lame reasons such as being desperate and not thinking the friend is hot enough to date, yet is fine when they are desperate and horny.

 

I never pick guys who aren't very attracted to me or who view me as " not dating material".

 

My fwb and I always express " damn, I wish we did fall for each other as you're an awesome girl and I'm very attracted".

 

Fwb should be ppl you WOULD date, but who you simply lack romantic feelings for.

[Leigh 87]

Thanks for posting this, Leigh. Your philosophy sounds a lot like a guy I went out with back in March-May. Mr. Ryan Gosling Look-Alike as he's known here.

 

He managed to keep this philosophy of his under wraps while he tried to convince me he wanted a relationship with ME... but it leaked out as he shared his relationship history and general ideas about relationships.

 

It freaked me out at first... because it is diametrically opposed to how *I* approach relationships... and I've had more than one guy try to sweet talk me into being the default FWB or try me out as a FB. I say... Try. but it always leaks out given enough time. A month or two is all it really takes for me to see through it.

 

I'd much prefer they were upfront about their preferred relationship style rather than try and convince me our value systems are compatible. You strike me as being very open about your style, which is VERY admirable. I wish more were.

 

... I went for a bike ride with Mr. R a couple of weeks ago... now he's texting me about how he's thinking about me and more 'activities'. Well... that's that. No more bike rides with Mr. R considering I already told him we weren't compatible that way. He just needs to go find someone who is ok with FWB/casual sex and stop bugging me.

 

 

 

Ugh.

 

 

Guys like that make my skin crawl:sick:

 

 

It's such an insult to our intelligence, really. As if we can't see through a guy who isn't truly into us in a strong romantic sense.

 

Glad you can read guys properly. Many girls cling on in the hope the guys " change their minds".

[youaremysunshine]

My former friend with benefits (now just friend) and I DID NOT see each other as potential dating material. The feeling was mutal and I'm not offened by it one bit.

 

We have totally different lifestyles. He's a bartender/ photographer who knows everyone. Not me at all, pretty shy and a bit of a homebody.

 

I would never want him to change though, and he me. We have an incredibly fun time every time we hang out, even though I'm in a relationship now so no sex. We talk on the phone regularly. He calls me his "Sally"

 

But I never had romantic feelings for him, just an good pal to have dirty sex with now and again. Friends 7 years still going a strong! Probably my closest friend of all.

 

I think we have a personal connection not based on looks or body type (he is overweight but women love him)

[Leigh 87]

My former friend with benefits (now just friend) and I DID NOT see each other as potential dating material. The feeling was mutal and I'm not offened by it one bit.

 

We have totally different lifestyles. He's a bartender/ photographer who knows everyone. Not me at all, pretty shy and a bit of a homebody.

 

I would never want him to change though, and he me. We have an incredibly fun time every time we hang out, even though I'm in a relationship now so no sex. We talk on the phone regularly. He calls me his "Sally"

 

But I never had romantic feelings for him, just an good pal to have dirty sex with now and again. Friends 7 years still going a strong! Probably my closest friend of all.

 

I think we have a personal connection not based on looks or body type (he is overweight but women love him)

 

 

 

My point was: even if we DO NOT see each other as dating potential, it is not because we are not :" good enough" for one another; it is more to do with being DIFFERENT.

 

I have had a FWB like the one you describe; not dating material for each other due to just not feeling it with each other romantically and being TOO different to connect on a deeper emotional level.

 

It had nothing to do with not being "enough" physically or mentally though.

[Mrlonelyone]

The thing is Leigh, it sounds like you are in a relationship with your FWB the difference is what you choose to call it, and the level of commitment.

 

 

You spend time together, enjoy eachothers non sexual company, you enjoy sex with eachother...

 

 

Tell me has he ever escorted you to an event? If so then you my friend are in a pretty decent relationship and don't even know it.

[Leigh 87]

The thing is Leigh, it sounds like you are in a relationship with your FWB the difference is what you choose to call it, and the level of commitment.

 

 

You spend time together, enjoy eachothers non sexual company, you enjoy sex with eachother...

 

 

Tell me has he ever escorted you to an event? If so then you my friend are in a pretty decent relationship and don't even know it.

 

 

 

Hmmm. One of them told me things like " I wish I was cuddling you" and he would want me to stay at his house for 2 or 3 days at a time, because " it made him heaps happier to come home to me".

 

He'd buy me things, shout every meal and try hard to get me a job.

 

I just wasn't into him sexually. So I've ended it.

 

He swore he was okay with fwb?

 

I haven't officially ended it with him yet.

 

Hmmmm. We'll see how that goes:confused:

 

 

Actually, my first fwb I met in Germany; we are both Australian. He's VERY hot, yet he is such a nice guy. He's lovely.

 

Well, I straight up asked him when we arrived back to Australia, if he was interested in a fwb situation; he'd toured with a nice girl and wasn't sure what he wanted from her, so he eagerly obliged.

 

We REALLY liked each other. He brought dinners. Drove me 40 mins home.

 

When I got a bf he was a little upset lol. I don't want to give myself too much credit, however, his wording was: it was hard to hear you talking about others, I feek like I was just flavor of the month"

 

 

 

We are still good friends:) I doubt he was that upset haha.

 

 

 

But yes... if you truly value your fwb as " good enough" to date, and therefore the only thing tgat makes the fwb is the fact you can refrain from strong romantic feelings? Then yes, you can miss them a tad once you both find partners.

 

 

I've never missed them in that regard. Really. Although Joel is SO hot. Ugh.