Mystery2Me Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 Greeting LSers! Hope you all have had a good weekend. My week and weekend was rough as I stopped seeing my guy friend. It ended badly, with me saying some very hateful things following his passive/aggressive behavior. Now of course I apologized (via phone because out of town) for my hurtful words, not my feelings about his poor behavior, but alas the damage is done. ------At the start he was not completely honest with me about himself and was Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. Then progressed to him being very needy and inscure. It was so tiresome.... We ran into each other for the first time, and we talked in person. He appreared and said he was very hurt by my harsh but truthful words; and was clearly blameshifting I am the type of person who if I've wronged someone I own it and apologize....so I did that again in person. He "said" he did not want to talk....but we did for about 45 min. During our converstation he played the victum refusing to fully accept that his behavior caused the rift and I just complicated matters by being hateful. So I told him that I did care for him and wished we could be friends, but that him hiding he was Mr. Emotionally Unavailable had finally brought things to a head for me. He responded saying we would need time and that I had runied his belief in relationship....still Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. Oh, also said I was a very beautiful and smart woman and could easily have any man. So tonight I am dealing with lonliness, rejection, guilt....but I know it is for the best as this has been coming for a while now. My only wish is that I should have not said those hateful words...but have all I can. God I pray that I am not doomed to a life alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 Doomed to a life alone is catastrophizing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 Oh Hun!! Mr. Emotionally Unavailable...let me point you in the direction of a good website to understand that more and that it has nothing to do with you. The dating world after divorce, well, it's pretty much a mess unless you are in your twenty's...and when I was in my twenty's, well you just had people within a 25 mile radius of the town you were in and at that age, I was too busy raising a child to be bothered. (which is how I basically wound up with my last exH and tried to make the best of 15 years of misery). Today's dating world is pretty much full of both men and women walking on eggshells. I'd say the media has corrupted it as well as all the self help out there and even places like LS that tell people to walk away at the sign of the first red flag. My current guy has just thrown a couple after four months; however, he is also moving on after divorce as well, so I keep the perspective that he could bounce either way on new-found single man-hood. I have one foot in and one foot out just like him, meaning not emotionally unavailable, but guarding my heart. I am happy just being me (alone) and I am happy with him, in that regard, he doesn't define my happiness. With red flags, it's a warning to look after you and set your boundaries, voice those boundaries but make sure they are fair. The man who loves YOU will understand boundaries and respect you for them, the man who USES you will test and push them and make you feel like you did them wrong. Last year, my last boyfriend was the passive/aggressive sort...he needed a care-taker and I was moving out of that role for everyone in my life (I've redefined ME, set limits and set boundaries to make my life easier..another site that might help understand that dynamic). I saw how miserable he was when I wasn't pleasing him, yet he did little to please me as well as he became too comfortable that I took care of everything. We as women, lose respect for men like that....they have to pony up and have some "skin" in the "game" when it comes to relationships. Lord help the man who thinks that just his charming self will net him a woman, those are the men I like to put in their place....but that's just me being a feminist I'm sure. You are not "doomed to a life alone", you are learning what you will and won't put up with. You are allowed to vocalize your needs (my ex-SO changed my faith in men as I felt he was a good man and still do feel that) but if a man isn't in touch with his feelings and denies them, there really is nothing you can do but move on. It's not about who is right or wrong, it's about what is right for YOU and only you can define that. We all grow at our own pace, you just have to find the man who is at the same place in life as you so you build a new life together. This one wasn't it....a life lesson. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 God I pray that I am not doomed to a life alone. When you decide you'd rather be alone than be in a bad relationship with Mr. Emotionally Unavailable, then you're ready to find someone to share your life with ... Mr. Lucky 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mystery2Me Posted October 21, 2013 Author Share Posted October 21, 2013 Many Thanks Trippi! You hit the nail on the head and I am grateful for your perspective. I am where exactly where you were last year, and he has shown himself to be a USER....and I wil not tolerate that. I am proud of myself for choosing me, but it has just kicked up my emotions. He is self-absorbed in himself, and has chosen to push the boundaries I set. So taking this lesson and moving on. Thanks again for your insight, including the websites, it has helped me a great deal. ~Mystery 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mystery2Me Posted October 21, 2013 Author Share Posted October 21, 2013 Hi Mr. Lucky. Absolutely agree with you and that is what I am doing. Link to post Share on other sites
MsOptimist Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 I'm sorry that it didn't turn out well - chalk it up to a valuable lesson learned! I've done a LOT of reading on emotionally unavailable people (as I believe my exH was very much one of them), so I know how elusive and charming they can appear at first. You'll be able to spot them easier now and steer clear before emotionally investing yourself in them. You definitely won't be doomed to a life alone, but I agree with Mr. Lucky to become ok with the thought of being alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mystery2Me Posted October 21, 2013 Author Share Posted October 21, 2013 Hey MsO! Thanks so much. Yes, I am comfortable with being alone and was not on the prowl....he was pursued aggressively (yes, I know now that is a flag). I did not agree to go out for 5 months beyond chit-chat. It more of what you said learning to recognize this kind of person, and I am adding this to my list of self-introspections. So in the end it was just a stretching my wings a re-build/re-bound. I enjoyed the good parts, and learned something too. Cheers to you! Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 I am SO not looking forward to dipping my toe in the dating pool. After 33 years out of the pool, I'm definitely going to need a life jacket, and even that won't help with the sharks! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 M2M, Wow you have grown so strong. Good for you! Much better to say something a little harsh now than to settle and be sorry later. REVITUP 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 I wish I had words of wisdom in this... I probably will one day though heh. I know it all feels like we will be alone.. I feel like that now. Link to post Share on other sites
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