heartshaped Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 So my ex and I reconciled a couple of months ago. Overall, I would say we've been very happy, but there have been a few issues. Mainly, the lack of trust between us. Our relationship ended badly in the past. I was the dumper, I went NC, and moved away. For him, I think it came completely out of the blue. We were having problems, but I maintained I wanted to work on things (and I did) until I didn't and then I ended the relationship. I also rebounded very quickly, which he knew/knows about, and I think that sort of made it worse. On my end, trust was a big contributor to the end of our relationship before. He has never really given me a reason not to trust him and I did trust him explicitly once, but now it just feels almost impossible. It also doesn't help that I'm worried about getting hurt by him again and it's making it hard for me to give this my all. Even though I ended things before, I did so because I felt like I couldn't trust him, he didn't care, and like he wasn't putting any effort in. I guess I'm just wondering what should I do at this point. I am hesitant to call an end to things when I've worked so hard for a second chance...but I wonder if I ever can trust him...and I think the lack of effort on my part is hurting us now.
MrWhite Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 The quick ending and "rebound" will cause issues in the future. Trust in you has been lost. You need to explain why you did what you did or even less trust will be offered. Was there any in the relationship from what was before? No need to repeat the past. Trust is one of the most important issues of a relationship. 1
Author heartshaped Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 We were each other's first serious relationship. I think in the beginning we trusted each other very much, but as we matured and formed more separate lives insecurities and distrust began to play a huge role in our relationship. We were young and people our age were out partying, drinking, and just sleeping around. I think we both suspected the other of the same. I left because of my distrust, but also because I got GIGs and felt we both needed time to mature. In hindsight, I should have discussed things with him instead of just sort of striking suddenly when he least expected it. But at the time I was very, very immature and didn't think much of ending a serious relationship so casually.
lylat333 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Some questions, heartshaped, just curious... How old are you two? Had either of you had a serious relationship before? How long were you together before and how long were you apart before you reconciled?
Author heartshaped Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 We're both mid twenties now. No, neither of us had a serious relationship before the other. We were high school sweethearts and continued to date throughout our first years of college. We were together for approximately 4 years total and apart for about 4 years before we reconciled. In the interim, I did have other serious relationships and so did he to my understanding.
Mariposa10 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Omg! You guys have reconciled after being apart for 4 years? How did it happen? Who initiated contact?? And why did you guys breakup in the first place?
Author heartshaped Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 I initiated contact with him (and I was the dumper) about a year after we broke up. He responded, but when I mentioned us possibly having a friendship he ignored me. Flash forward two years (three after break up), I initiated contact again, we got to talking, saw each other, etc. I had just gotten out of a serious relationship at the time and he was in a relationship so nothing really happened then. Plus, there were a lot of issues still from the past. Flash forward another year (now four years past break up), specifically a few months ago, we decided to give things another go. We broke up mostly because of my own trust issues, insecurities, and because I developed GIGs. We were very young at the time which I also believe contributed to it. I don't believe we would've reconciled if we had any irreconcilable differences or anything of that nature. As it was, we were very much in love, but our youth and trust issues came between us. He was willing to stay and try to fight it out, but I was not. I think the main reason why we reconciled is because while we both have been with several other people, have loved other people, and been in other serious relationships we still love each other very much and our relationship ended sort of prematurely before.
Fufu Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 So my ex and I reconciled a couple of months ago. Overall, I would say we've been very happy, but there have been a few issues. Mainly, the lack of trust between us. Our relationship ended badly in the past. I was the dumper, I went NC, and moved away. For him, I think it came completely out of the blue. We were having problems, but I maintained I wanted to work on things (and I did) until I didn't and then I ended the relationship. I also rebounded very quickly, which he knew/knows about, and I think that sort of made it worse. On my end, trust was a big contributor to the end of our relationship before. He has never really given me a reason not to trust him and I did trust him explicitly once, but now it just feels almost impossible. It also doesn't help that I'm worried about getting hurt by him again and it's making it hard for me to give this my all. Even though I ended things before, I did so because I felt like I couldn't trust him, he didn't care, and like he wasn't putting any effort in. I guess I'm just wondering what should I do at this point. I am hesitant to call an end to things when I've worked so hard for a second chance...but I wonder if I ever can trust him...and I think the lack of effort on my part is hurting us now. Did you guys sit down and talk to one another about your feelings?
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I can only speak from my own experience here. I was with someone and we broke up a few times. The thing was it was always there. I mean at first you are just so happy to be back together, but after that initial excitement has worn off, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was always worried I was doing something or not doing something that caused the BU in the first place. I could never just be myself after it. And guess what, in the end we did break up. The difference with the last one was that I resented the fact that I had wasted so much time. I was like if you feel this way then why do you keep wanting to get back together. It was very confusing and I still dont understand it. Your situation is different because you were apart for 4 years and I imagine in that time you have both grown from other relationships etc. But if you really dont think its going to work out, you dont want to put the work in, the best thing you can do for yourself and the other person is end it. It's just not fair to waste their time if you dont see it working out. Otherwise I think the biggest mistake made with me was not sitting down and having a proper discussion about why it didnt work and how we could work on it. Maybe if we had done that we might of realized it wasnt going to work years ago and not kept getting back together. Relationships are hard but there's more work you've got to do once you BU and get back together because damage is definately done - trust issues, respect issues, resentment, doubts...
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