SidLyon Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Something on another thread (the story about a BW buying ice-cream for her convalescing WH) got me thinking about the times my fWH stole credit for something I'd done, while in his A. Examples are, "I bought a WI for my sons' birthday", "I took my parents out to dinner", "I took my kids to the Queensland theme parks", "I took my kids bushwalking in the Flinders Ranges", "I'm renovating the bathroom", were all things told to the OW in e-mails that I discovered after D-day. Yet it was me that bought the WI (although the gift was from us both), me that arranged all the holidays and dinners and went along too, and certainly I helped with the bathroom. Did your WS do this too, and is it a really common thing do you think? I assume that it's part of minimising the extent to which the BS is actually part of the WS's everyday life. Before D-day I would never have considered my H to be the type of person who "steals credit" but since then I've been noticing it as one of his flaws, especially with his family. I'm trying to work out if having the A introduced this aspect to his personality or whether he's always had that tendency and either I didn't notice or mind before, but now I'm more sensitised to it. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I think that is it not only possible/likely to steal credit, some even project their own shortcoming onto the BS. Afterwards, when an autopsy of the relationship is done, it is often (I didn't say always) the WS that was controlling, neglectful, abusive, distance, withholding. That once in MC, the therapists shakes their head and says the BS should have been the one looking outside the relationship. That is why, there is no one rule to affairs. That even though they follow similar paths, destination, the origins are not the same. 2
Zenstudent Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I know for certain that I've been blind to her flaws for all those years, they didn't matter, why would they, we were happy, and she was the best thing that ever happened to me. After D-day and after I had the chance to find myself and my feet again, I notice. I notice her need for validation, to be likeable, to keep up appearances, the urge to consider what other people might think about her/us/me etc. And that is, I guess, what taking credit is all about, validation. But it's all out there in the open now. The difference is that I fight these tendencies now because I can see them. I can tell her "no" and stick to it if an action or idea is against my own values. I think she's beginning to recognize some of it and maybe learn something about herself and life in general, just like I did. And after all, she's still very loveable, she's a wonderfull person, it's just the dishonesty and betrayals that I really don't like - and only time will tell if she has changed that side of herself. And this uncertainty is the one thing that I struggle with today myself.
jnel921 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 If I were the OW listening to this all it would confirm for me that he is living a life separate from mine in which I am not a factor. So it doesn't really matter who did what. The bottom line is the OW needs to listen to it and look at this life that goes forward with HIS family from the sidelines. 3
cozycottagelg Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 If I were the OW listening to this all it would confirm for me that he is living a life separate from mine in which I am not a factor. So it doesn't really matter who did what. The bottom line is the OW needs to listen to it and look at this life that goes forward with HIS family from the sidelines. I agree with this. Or perhaps the WS wanted to get the story out in the midst of small talk, but not bring up his BS, so just left that part out. 1
Spark1111 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I think it is common to promote yourself as fabulous as a partner and parent to each other in an affair. It helps to sustain the adoration and validation you have so craved from childhood. Yet, it is necessary to omit the role and support of the BS you are trying so hard to make disappear. You would have thought they were the parents of the year based on the emails I read. Reality? Two of the most selfish and self-centered parents on the planet. My H was Ghost Dad as far as his kids were concerned; hardly home and going through the motions when he was not. Sad, truly.
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