reddragon588 Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 I've been having a lot of obsessive thoughts the last few weeks about trying to get back with my ex. Overall, I'm doing great- I've earned some promotions at work and am truly developing into being better at my job, I've lost 20 pounds and am getting closer to being able to try actual sparing for the first time in boxing, I've made some great new friends through Meetup, I've been a couple dates and I've made a few personal goals (finally breaking out of my mild-hoarding behaviors, becoming better with sharing my feelings and reducing my need to always be right). I'm completely functional and actually better off. But I'm still struggling emotionally, especially with these obsessive thoughts. I talked about it with my therapist last week, and she suggested that if these thoughts continue, my only option may be to "rip off the bandaid" and reach out. She told me that if I were to do it, I'd have to be ready for pain and rejection, and promise that if I did it, it would be the end of all this grandeur. She then had me role play what I'd say and what my agenda would be for doing so. It's weird, I've had these obsessive thoughts for pretty much the whole time since the breakup (5 months this week), and they've been intensifying the last couple weeks. But the entire time, it's never actually occurred to me actually reach out. Now that I've "received permission" if you will, I feel like the obsessive thoughts have subsided, or at least aren't as bad. I almost don't know if I want to do it. But this weekend has brought them back up a bit, and I wonder now if I will end up doing it. I know it will likely end up not working, but it seems like I can't get these obsessive thoughts out of my head until I prove to myself they are just fantasies and have no reality base to them. I don't really have any questions, I just needed to write these thoughts down to get them out of my head. As of right now, I'm not planning on actually doing it, but that may change. 1
Brown-Eyez Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 there's something to what you're saying here about the obsessive thoughts i got them too I've been thinking about him more & more since he texted me last week all i now want to do is text him, contact him, anything to hear from him!! but I've been on this forum long enough to hear everybody cry "Noooo!!" I wonder though, if we are given permission to touch the hot stove if maybe then touching it isn't so interesting anymore?? I won't contact him BUT I'm actually paralyzed right now from these thoughts its hard to do anything but stop myself from contacting him 3
Author reddragon588 Posted October 20, 2013 Author Posted October 20, 2013 (edited) I wonder though, if we are given permission to touch the hot stove if maybe then touching it isn't so interesting anymore So far, that's how it has been for me. It took me a long time to get to where I am though. I'm at two months of complete NC, and three months of 95% NC. If I had received "permission" at the beginning of that period, I wouldn't have been able to control myself in contacting her. Edited October 20, 2013 by reddragon588
Brown-Eyez Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 So far, that's how it has been for me. that's what I like about your post but I know you've worked really hard at NC so maybe its easier for those who really make themselves go NC that when the option is allowed for contact it takes pressure off I know for me, i gotta keep the pressure on cuz i weaken way too easy so for now, I'm paralyzed in forcing myself to stay away from him thanks for your post red! I couldn't figure out why I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything for the last week!! now i think i know why.. 2
melell Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 I think that one thing you have gotten from nc is self control, and that is a really good thing. But I really do think there is a lot to be said for learning from experience. I touched the fire a few times, I got burnt, it hurt like a ****h for a week or so, but it made it easier for me afterwards. I was never the biggest on nc. But always a big fan of tackling things head on, and working through my emotions. It sounds to me like you are prepared to tackle these things, you are in therapy, and you are working things out rather than running away or giving in. If I were you, and the thoughts continued, I would try it from another angle. You are wise enough now to know how to process any contact, so it may not be the worst thing to try it. Either way, you are heading in the right direction, and you will cope, so at least that part is taken care of. 4
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Interesting advice. I think your best bet is to stay par for the course. Why would you want to risk being set back? You've made such progress. Sounds like what you're doing is working. Just maybe not fast enough? I say stay away. Don't reach out. You'd be asking for it, big time!! 3
Haydn Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Mate, let me tell you something. You and a few of the others are the reason i dont break no contact. You have pushed me away from from even thinking it. So dont do it. In a way some of you are my `unsung heroes` Take care. I've been having a lot of obsessive thoughts the last few weeks about trying to get back with my ex. Overall, I'm doing great- I've earned some promotions at work and am truly developing into being better at my job, I've lost 20 pounds and am getting closer to being able to try actual sparing for the first time in boxing, I've made some great new friends through Meetup, I've been a couple dates and I've made a few personal goals (finally breaking out of my mild-hoarding behaviors, becoming better with sharing my feelings and reducing my need to always be right). I'm completely functional and actually better off. But I'm still struggling emotionally, especially with these obsessive thoughts. I talked about it with my therapist last week, and she suggested that if these thoughts continue, my only option may be to "rip off the bandaid" and reach out. She told me that if I were to do it, I'd have to be ready for pain and rejection, and promise that if I did it, it would be the end of all this grandeur. She then had me role play what I'd say and what my agenda would be for doing so. It's weird, I've had these obsessive thoughts for pretty much the whole time since the breakup (5 months this week), and they've been intensifying the last couple weeks. But the entire time, it's never actually occurred to me actually reach out. Now that I've "received permission" if you will, I feel like the obsessive thoughts have subsided, or at least aren't as bad. I almost don't know if I want to do it. But this weekend has brought them back up a bit, and I wonder now if I will end up doing it. I know it will likely end up not working, but it seems like I can't get these obsessive thoughts out of my head until I prove to myself they are just fantasies and have no reality base to them. I don't really have any questions, I just needed to write these thoughts down to get them out of my head. As of right now, I'm not planning on actually doing it, but that may change. 1
Author reddragon588 Posted October 20, 2013 Author Posted October 20, 2013 that's what I like about your post but I know you've worked really hard at NC so maybe its easier for those who really make themselves go NC that when the option is allowed for contact it takes pressure off I know for me, i gotta keep the pressure on cuz i weaken way too easy so for now, I'm paralyzed in forcing myself to stay away from him thanks for your post red! I couldn't figure out why I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything for the last week!! now i think i know why.. It's hard, but it becomes easier if you go about your life normally... If you want to reach out, call up a friend to catch up... If you feel yourself starting to like something on their Facebook, grab a book and read a couple chapters. If you feel like you can't keep yourself from reaching out, go to the gym. Etc. Replace the routine of being hurt with other routines. Because that's exactly what a lot of this pain is- a routine. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 If you want to reach out, call up a friend to catch up... If you feel yourself starting to like something on their Facebook, grab a book and read a couple chapters. If you feel like you can't keep yourself from reaching out, go to the gym. Etc. Said to himself while looking in the mirror 2
mikei880 Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Managing emotions and controlling anger = maturity Keep up the NC including social media. 2
lauri Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Red, I have a lot of respect for you and you have helped me out more then you know during my tough times. I want the best for you, and I'm scared if you reach out you may open up old wounds and hurt yourself even more. In my opinion, those thoughts you are having will eventually go away when you meet someone new. The chances are, with the new people you are meeting, new promotion and all these activities, someone new may come along soon. There are so many ways this could play out if you reach back out to your ex - but a lot of the times its now how you picture it to. I would stay the course and avoid contacting your ex. However, if you really think its for the best to reach out, I will support you no matter what, but I'm very skeptical of reaching back out because if that person hurt you its for a reason and they aren't worth your time anymore. 1
barky2 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Can you 100% sit there and KNOW that if you get rejected you'll be perfectly fine shrug it off like nothing ever happened? Or Can you sit there and be ok with getting ignored? Those should be your first two questions answered. Sounds like your therapist wants you to do it so they get a few more weeks out of you because buisness is slow. If you're not ready then you're not. No harm no foul. If you are,then best of luck.... But rd I don't think it's time yet bro. Barky 3
Author reddragon588 Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 10 days after I started this thread and I'm still feeling sorta the same way... although I haven't acted on anything. I wonder if it has to do with me being in a transitional period of my life... I'm applying to graduate school and jobs in different parts of the state and might be moving within the next couple months... and if that stress is causing me to have these feelings for my ex. I just hit 60 days of NC yesterday though.
aybc123 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I dont know what you should do OP but.. your musings made me wonder what this place is going to be like around christmas time. NC is difficult enough as it but i can imagine that around the holiday time when there's extra reminiscing going on and a semi-valid reason for actually reaching out to someone that it is going to be extremely difficult. I look forward to the influx of 'should i text my ex merry christmas' threads, even just thinking about it now for a second i know i'm probably going to be making one :/ 1
JDPT Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Anxiety made lead to regressing to a "comfortable" and familiar place hence the thoughts. With regards to thoughts, what I've learned was that when they were excessive and continuos was because there was something i stopped doing. I had to analyze and look deep inside at what occurred. Most of the time I became so wrapped up in other things that I would neglect certain techniques to reroute my thoughts. Sometimes it's a good thing to revise and reevaluate the fundamentals. It's great that you have not acted on anything. And although I'm not too familiar with your story your posts lead me to believe that you are heading the right direction. Continue to remain strong and full force ahead. 1
Author reddragon588 Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 Hey guys, looking for some advice. I haven't been able to get my thoughts off of her lately. She's probably been on my mind a good 60-70% of the day. I also haven't been able to control myself from looking at her Facebook and Instagram, which is pointless because I can't see anything but the limited profile... but it just makes me feel worse... and I can't stop doing it... I really miss her and it's been 5 1/2 months post-breakup and 2 1/2 months NC (over 75 days!)... I still feel like I really love her and I don't know what's up... my life is doing great- doing well at work, on track to be accepted to graduate school, I've lost over 20 pounds and kept it off, I've met a few girls (been on dates and have hooked up with a few)... and yet I still feel empty like I'm missing half of myself... honestly feeling pretty miserable right now.
forgetmenot75 Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Hey guys, looking for some advice. I haven't been able to get my thoughts off of her lately. She's probably been on my mind a good 60-70% of the day. I also haven't been able to control myself from looking at her Facebook and Instagram, which is pointless because I can't see anything but the limited profile... but it just makes me feel worse... and I can't stop doing it... I really miss her and it's been 5 1/2 months post-breakup and 2 1/2 months NC (over 75 days!)... I still feel like I really love her and I don't know what's up... my life is doing great- doing well at work, on track to be accepted to graduate school, I've lost over 20 pounds and kept it off, I've met a few girls (been on dates and have hooked up with a few)... and yet I still feel empty like I'm missing half of myself... honestly feeling pretty miserable right now. Reddragon: it's the third month itch. you MUST stay strong. Do not sneak on her profiles, nothing good to see in there. Keep this in mind: she does not want you. she's probably moved on. She doesn't miss you, otherwise, she'd have contacted you. Stay strong, hang in there! I broke no contact after 4 months. It was hell. People does not change. I had to pick up myself in pieces after that, though it served me to realized the kind of person he is. My advice is to not contact her. Nothing good will come out of that. MOVE ON. You've done great, keep on moving 1
Sugarkane Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 I find it odd that your therapist is encouraging you to break NC. Usually they just encourage you to continue NC and start dating others.
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Even when you are feeling like this, you are still moving forward. It's all part of the process. Hell, even after 8 months NC, I still have these days too. It just becomes more manageable. You're doing fine, except for the cyber stalking. Knock that off and it will help. Constant reminders of her are doing you NO good. You know the drill. Stick with it and ride it out. You know you will come out the other side in no time 3
Trick1004 Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Red, We seem to be on a very similar stage going through our respective break-ups. You're doing awesome not contacting her. I went through a similar stretch a few weeks ago, just couldn't get her out of my mind for whatever reason. But it's part of the process, these things are going to happen. And you should absolutely block her on Facebook and whatever else social media you use, it's hard but is a very important step in cutting off contact. Ask yourself are you in a better place now than you were three months ago? I bet yes, so why risk setting yourself back by getting rejected again if you reach out. Maybe she's miserable, maybe she's happy as ****; but she made this decision and the best thing you can do is exit her life and move forward with what's best for you without her. Trick 1
flight E Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 Just think this over. Someone brokeup with you and you are worrying whether to contact her or not. It just shows you its a wrong idea. Why can't she contact you. Afterall she ended it. You will only give her more power nothing more. Don't give her that pleasure. Let her do the contacting. For merry xmas. The only way to do that if you must, wish I feel is unneccesary is to send a generic text to all your contacts wishing them merry xmas. If you want to test the waters so to speak. That way, you don't lose too much with that kind of contact. But as I said it is to my mind unneccesary. Let you ex worry abt sending you a merry xmas if they dumped you 1
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