pera44 Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 So here's the scenario; I have been dating this girl who is 23 and I'm 29, its been almost 3 months and we have yet to get in an argument or even a fight until just recently, prior to now everything has been great, we are still learning a lot from each other. What happend: We were suppose to have a double date and she text me that it is cancelled and I respond "So we are not going after all"?? And she responds "we'll go tomorrow", to which I respond "so every time they cancel you cancel on me??" I don't think I was wrong in saying that. She responds with: "I really did not want to go today all ****ing tired from work just said yes because they (the other couple) were going to be able to only tonight. You're seriously getting pissed because I cancelled on you get over it". I respond: "I would not have said anything but this is the third time (they and she cancels on me) and no I'm not pissed but you have to look at it from my perspective". And that was the last message she sent me, she went two days not responding until this morning she responds: "I need some space I have too much **** going on in my head". What does this mean, does she all of a sudden not care for me?? How long should I wait to talk to her again? Is she breaking up with me? I dunno, please give me some input any of you who have been through this. Thanks ahead of time.
Author pera44 Posted October 20, 2013 Author Posted October 20, 2013 She sounds very immature. If I were you, I'd give her ALL the space she requires, and find another girlfriend. Sorry. Yeah the maturity levels are obvious are definitely at work here. I really don't want to dismiss her just yet, again everything has been good until just now. I think she's testing me.
Eggplant Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Some of us women are emotional roller coasters. I try to find a more tactful way to explain that to men without giving them the wrong impression. The request in and of itself for space was reasonable. However, it's alarming the way she spoke to you. It was hurtful and unacceptable. She needs to learn how to ask for what she needs without becoming a ***** about it. Notice whether she apologizes. If she doesn't, she may not be mature enough for a relationship or she may take you for granted. 2
Author pera44 Posted October 20, 2013 Author Posted October 20, 2013 Some of us women are emotional roller coasters. I try to find a more tactful way to explain that to men without giving them the wrong impression. The request in and of itself for space was reasonable. However, it's alarming the way she spoke to you. It was hurtful and unacceptable. She needs to learn how to ask for what she needs without becoming a ***** about it. Notice whether she apologizes. If she doesn't, she may not be mature enough for a relationship or she may take you for granted. I agree her response was unacceptable which raises a red flag, mainly because this is the first time she responds this way which is in fact alarming. So as you can imagine my concern.
aussie sam Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I agree with the others that say that this is immature. I was in a similar situation to you and really the best (but hardest) thing to do is to give her the space and NOT smother her while she is being like this. Hopefully she will come around and apologise.
Juventa2012 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I know that whenever I would say that to a guy I was dating and it was early in the relationship, it meant that I was undecided or unsure if I really wanted to date him. But that was just me. Could be that or could it be that she is dating someone else?
jrtfrisco Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Go silent, and let her come to you. You clearly let her know that you are interested...now the ball is in her court. If she doesn't reach back out to you, then you know the answer (that she's not interested anymore).
Author pera44 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 I know that whenever I would say that to a guy I was dating and it was early in the relationship, it meant that I was undecided or unsure if I really wanted to date him. But that was just me. Could be that or could it be that she is dating someone else? What is confusing about this, not too long ago (maybe 2 weeks or so) she told me she is "Loves" me. Sooo what my question is what changed and all of a sudden?? It just does not make sense, as you can imagine my confusion. Its actually upsetting to be honest.
Author pera44 Posted November 2, 2013 Author Posted November 2, 2013 So the GF ended up texting me a few days after this incident asking how I was doing. We texted back and fourth like everything was back to normal. She then asked to see me soon and we agreed on meeting up 2 days later to go watch a movie together. There was a bit of tension but we were able to get past it, we talked about finding me a costume to match her's for the weekend for a costume party we were invited, we went to a few stores, in the end we went to go have dinner, followed by a movie. Everything went good and when I dropped her off she just hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek, I did the same. The next day she was having a bad day and was not feeling good so she cancelled on me as a result. So I decided to get a care package to help her feel better. I dropped it off at her front door since she and her mom went to her uncles. She ignored my text for a few hours and finally responded with "I can't be in this relationship right now, there is such messed up things going on in my life right now, I'm not myself". So I'm in shock I respond: "At least talk to me, tell me what's going on. If you are ending it, at least give me closure. You never communicated with me what has been going on so I never knew there was anything wrong. Be straight and honest with me". She reponds: "I don't like talking about my messed up family but something horrible happened, that I do not wish to discuss with anyone. I don't want to be in a relationship when I am so depressed. I know you need closure but thats the best I can do". And that's the last I heard of her. Its been a week. I really do not know what to think. Did she give me a cop out response or is this legitimate?? I just wish she could have trusted me enough to talk to me about this. What should I do/. So here's the scenario; I have been dating this girl who is 23 and I'm 29, its been almost 3 months and we have yet to get in an argument or even a fight until just recently, prior to now everything has been great, we are still learning a lot from each other. What happend: We were suppose to have a double date and she text me that it is cancelled and I respond "So we are not going after all"?? And she responds "we'll go tomorrow", to which I respond "so every time they cancel you cancel on me??" I don't think I was wrong in saying that. She responds with: "I really did not want to go today all ****ing tired from work just said yes because they (the other couple) were going to be able to only tonight. You're seriously getting pissed because I cancelled on you get over it". I respond: "I would not have said anything but this is the third time (they and she cancels on me) and no I'm not pissed but you have to look at it from my perspective". And that was the last message she sent me, she went two days not responding until this morning she responds: "I need some space I have too much **** going on in my head". What does this mean, does she all of a sudden not care for me?? How long should I wait to talk to her again? Is she breaking up with me? I dunno, please give me some input any of you who have been through this. Thanks ahead of time.
melell Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. If she is depressed right now, and things are going on with her family, then giving her space is the best thing for you to do. I say put your feelings aside for awhile and just be patient and understanding. If there really are things going on it is understandable that she may not want to open up because you haven't been together long. If you be patient and give her space it will make her respect you. Best case scenario it makes her see you as patient and understanding and that lays good foundations. Worst case scenario she is not being honest. If that is the case, and you respect her wishes and believe her, then it still puts you in good light. Even if she never speaks to you again she will see you as a guy with enough self control and compassion to respect someones requests. If she is depressed and things are not good for her, you getting mad about cancelled dates will irritate her, because a cancelled date may be nothing compared to what she is going through. Time and space is your best bet. And always take the high road, if she is messing with you then she owns that, it is not your fault. 1
Author pera44 Posted November 2, 2013 Author Posted November 2, 2013 I agree. I do give her the benefit of the doubt and will give her all the space she needs and hopefully things do get better for her with her family. All I can do at this point is be hopeful and patient. Thanks for you input Melell
melell Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Don't date anyone with a psychiatric or personality disorder. This is really, really harsh. But I 100% agree. Many people really struggling with these things are not capable of having a healthy relationship.
Author pera44 Posted November 2, 2013 Author Posted November 2, 2013 I believe her family has been having property battles since the passing of her granddad, she never gave me details. The grandmother has been in a nursing home since and I am not sure if she has been recovering. I'm thinking that is the case of her stress and depression.
MissBee Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 (edited) Yeah the maturity levels are obvious are definitely at work here. I really don't want to dismiss her just yet, again everything has been good until just now. I think she's testing me. That is in fact a sign of immaturity, to "test" someone. I have never done that and would be incensed if someone attempted to "test" me or play other mind games. Emotionally mature people should be able to express themselves and their feelings/needs/wants in a straightforward and respectful manner without resorting to passive aggression, tests and mind games. In any case, I do not believe this is a test. I believe she may be going through a lot yes, as well as is feeling frustrated with you or isn't that into the relationship, so is not able to handle your feelings or is immature or a combination of all of them. Give her space. If she wants to reach out to you she will. Edited November 3, 2013 by MissBee
MissBee Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 What is confusing about this, not too long ago (maybe 2 weeks or so) she told me she is "Loves" me. Sooo what my question is what changed and all of a sudden?? It just does not make sense, as you can imagine my confusion. Its actually upsetting to be honest. She may be an emotionally unavailable woman it sounds like. I had an ex who did this. One minute he was in love and loved me and the next 2 weeks later in the midst of a small disagreement he said he needed space and our relationship is too much work and he can't do it. I too was VERY confused and floored! I spent so much time trying to figure it out, so I get it...emotionally unavailable people sometimes swing from one high of being sooo inlove to feeling smothered (not even by you but their own fears which make them emotionally unavailable and scared of too much intimacy). When they feel smothered they pull away or run away or end the relationship. However, the smothering is often not smothering at all but normal parts of a relationship that their emotional unavailability/intimacy fears make them interpret as suffocation, so they often overreact to it and leave their SO confused as to wtf is wrong as well as make them blame themselves for it...when it's really THEM and not you.
Author pera44 Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 MissBee I appreciate your input on this and I'm sorry you also had to experienced this, it is unfortunate and somewhat upsetting because you invest your emotions, time, efforts and for all that to be shot down in an instant without warning. I just wish she had the courage to tell me in person rather than over text, again you can see the maturity at work here, or perhaps she was too scared to do it in person. I really don't know. I will give her all the space she needs, if she does in fact reach out to me I will hear her out with respect and not pass immediate judgement. I just hope I keep myself composed and patient.
bubbaganoosh Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 What's going to happen is if you keep this relationship with her then her problems will become yours. My advice is to back off and find someone else before you get caught up in it.
Author pera44 Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 I dunno, I just can't dismiss her like that. Everything was great up to this point so I strongly believe she feels helpless since she is young and can't really do much for herself and family just yet. All she truely has is her family so I can understand that they are her #1 priority. I will give her the benefit of the doubt, give her a space, as for me I will try to move on the best way possible. I do appreciate your take on this though, I have faith in people, I just hope my faith never runs out. What's going to happen is if you keep this relationship with her then her problems will become yours. My advice is to back off and find someone else before you get caught up in it.
Kate9292 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 So here's the scenario; I have been dating this girl who is 23 and I'm 29, its been almost 3 months and we have yet to get in an argument or even a fight until just recently, prior to now everything has been great, we are still learning a lot from each other. What happend: We were suppose to have a double date and she text me that it is cancelled and I respond "So we are not going after all"?? And she responds "we'll go tomorrow", to which I respond "so every time they cancel you cancel on me??" I don't think I was wrong in saying that. She responds with: "I really did not want to go today all ****ing tired from work just said yes because they (the other couple) were going to be able to only tonight. You're seriously getting pissed because I cancelled on you get over it". I respond: "I would not have said anything but this is the third time (they and she cancels on me) and no I'm not pissed but you have to look at it from my perspective". And that was the last message she sent me, she went two days not responding until this morning she responds: "I need some space I have too much **** going on in my head". What does this mean, does she all of a sudden not care for me?? How long should I wait to talk to her again? Is she breaking up with me? I dunno, please give me some input any of you who have been through this. Thanks ahead of time. If your gf needs space, you should give it to her and not be overbearing and suffocating, which would certainly kill a relationship. If she doesn't come back, she wasn't into you and you have nothing to regret.
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