Parents unhappy with my relationship.

[Ncb89]

Hi all,

 

I am going through a hard time with my parents because I stay at my boyfriend's house every night and then during the day while he's at work, I come back home. He lives 3 minutes away from my house, so it's very easy to go back and forth, but my mom and dad are first off very upset that I am staying with him each night. Him and I are both 24. She claims that it's too soon for me to be "shacking up" with him, but I love to be with him. It's not something that I feel pressured to do, I find comfort in it, I feel safe, I love to wake up next to him, and have lazy morning's watching TV, with my head on his chest. He's my best friend, we are together all the time, and no one knows me better. I have finally found a mature relationship. I think a major reason my parents are having such an issue is because he is Spanish, and not yet a naturalized citizen. Last night my mom told me that she doesn't believe he'd be able to provide for me in the long run, and that I'd be having to bust my ass to support myself, and our children. He rents out the bottom floor of a house, and she threw in my face that if I were to stay with him, I'd have to get used to the fact that that was the best place I'd ever live, which was so wrong and shocking, because my mom is very sweet most of the time. Now for my dad, he is Iranian, moved here when he was about 24, and made a life for himself. He is very hardworking, I hardly see him, even when I was at home fulltime, I never saw him. He's not talkative, not once in my adult life has he asked me how are things going, but now he's upset/pissed because I'm not home enough. I've always known he's loved me because of how hard he has worked to support us, but sometimes that's not enough to help mold a strong Father/Daughter relationship. I'm not sure if this is freaking out my mom because she sees me following her path because her and my father did struggle for a long time since he was not American. It could also be that they're worried that I am jeopardizing my future because I am with my boyfriend way too often, and not focusing on myself as much. My boyfriend is motivating, and never holds me back from doing things that are good for me. He pushes me in all aspects; school, work, friendships. I also think they are scared for my future, because they think my boyfriend could not provide for me. This to me is highly offensive, because since he moved here from South America, ALONE when he was 16, he has been working and supporting himself with his finances all under control. I am not expecting him to support me financially, even if he could I want my own form of income, because you just never know. I don't need a rich man, that to me isn't as important as a hardworking man with AMBITION. Someone who takes care of themselves without anyone's help. My mom gave me an ultimatum, either I move out completely and go live with my boyfriend, or I sleep at home every night. I basically do live with my boyfriend now, I have a lot of my clothes & accessories there, but since he's so close to my house, I still like to spend time with my mom, and my 12 year old brother, who is autistic. I thought that would maybe be seen as nice, because it means that I still want to be around my family, as much as I can. I am really torn and need some unbiased advice. My parents have also NEVER met my boyfriend yet, which makes this all worse. I have been with him for 5 months, but I've known him for about a year and half before hand because we work together (only on Friday's & Saturday's). Is it time for me to leave the nest and do what I want, or follow my parents wishes? This is all very upsetting to me because I want them to be happy for my. I have found a genuine guy. Even my coworkers, all white married women, told me that he is a great catch, and one of them even told me that she wanted to set her daughter up with him. I just feel as though my one good relationship isn't being accepted, and it's hurtful.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're not exactly a teenager but you're not exactly an adult either, you're still living at home and most parents expect regardless of how old and mature/independent you think you and your life is, you need to understand that they're still going to expect you to spend time there and respect the household as a unit...instead of just doing things on your own then using home as a landing base in between doing whatever it is you want, which is simply spending time with your immigrant boyfriend.

 

The other bad thing here is you're getting way too sucked up into this relationship way too fast, you're already in a high gear and you've already attributed so much to his contribution in your life like he's been there the entire time...no, your parents have been there the entire time, not him and in the end guess what? no matter how rosey you think the relationship is right now is likely going to hit some hurdles in the future that may come as a surprise and shock to you since this is your first real rodeo/in a relationship...but this is typical and so is your behavior, it's overzealous and overly dependent, you think you've find the diamond in the rough and now you're making it the center piece of your world...and you might not notice it now, but that's a problem.

 

At this point I agree with your parents, you want to be with Romeo day in and day out and want to treat your family like a side thing and just be happy for you then you might as well whisk away into fantasy land with your perfect little bubble and start living your own life as an adult....basically in a way put your money where your mouth is with your relationship and be independent or respect the rules of the household....you have to understand that once you're a parent, you probably won't be able to rationalize some things, they're just not going to make sense...as long as you're living there your parents will be worried and concerned with you and they have no control now because you just come and go as you please, it's unsettling for them and distracting to their lives....their lives, it's not just about you and your new best friend.

 

Now, this guy might be a decent guy...but keep in mind he's still likely adjusting and getting his bearing here himself, he probably doesn't have much family and people to settle down to, so don't be surprised if this guy is a bit nomadic in his behavior...he's been alone for a while and after a while might realize he wants that independence...I'm just making some vague assumptions/generalizations here but it's still way early in the relationship and still knee deep into the honeymoon phase, if you move out with this guy now, chances are you're going to have some problems, you don't know each other as well as you think you do, and even though you stay with him it's not the same as living together.

 

The bottom line is you're not going to learn this however until you experience it yourself, if you feel like moving in with this guy then talk to him about it and if he thinks its a great idea then put your big girl pants on and take a swing with your love bat to see if you're one of the lucky few who can make a grand slam out of it...but chances are...if you're like most growing, inexperienced, and learning people...things aren't going to be as magical as you think once you've been there for a while, it'll be great at first but after a while, the reality starts to sink in....it's not a bad or devious thing but it's a lesson to learn...you'll either be compatible or you won't.

 

Also don't be so hard on your dad, he's from a different culture, probably had a pretty tough life and most guys in his situation aren't the best communicators or even see things according to how you were raised. You'll understand more about your dad and even men later, a lot of men never learn how to express themselves, but your dad you can be sure he cares, he just might have weird ways of showing it and sometimes you might not feel it at all...but it doesn't mean it isn't there, so of course he's concerned and of course your parents want you to live better and enjoy a better life, that's what they worked so hard for.

 

Of course they're going to be disappointed to see you get in a relationship with another immigrant and live a hard life, I'm sure your mom wanted better and your dad had higher hopes that you'd find a nice stable guy that could provide you with a future, not have a repeat of the same hardships he had to go through or see you carrying the load for your guy when they want better for you than that, someone to take care of you or lead, or just be equal.

 

So yeah that's perfectly understandable especially when your hold world is revolving around this guy, in six months this relationship could be in the gutter and you'd have nothing to show for it...just be realistic, relationships can come and go and it's not just as simple as finding a "good guy", it doesn't make it a successful relationship, there's a lot more to it, a lot more to figure out, most importantly with yourself.

 

The choice is yours, just make a decision and try not to burn any bridges with your parents because chances are you'll be back if you go out with this guy....maybe not, but likely, if you're going to want to do what you like though, whenever you like, you'll have to go on your own eventually.