ntovrhm Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 I wouldn't give the gifts if I were you, and it wouldn't be out of spite. But perhaps more because of the expectations that you be harboring, but unwilling to admit at this time. I was going going to send a birthday e-mail to my ex, just because I wanted to be nice. But my friend convinced me that the only reason that I wanted to do that was to open up the lines of communation with him. I didn't think that was the case at the time, but decided not to send the e-mail anyway. Now, when I look back, I know I wanted to do it to be nice AND illicit some sort of response. You're not a bad guy for NOT giving the gifts, if that's what you are worried about. Since you no longer dating, you have no obligation to her. Giving her the gifts is contact, even though you have expressed you wish to maintain no contact for a while And don't worry about "alpha male" and "theone44" opinions. They sometimes have good advice, but when they starting talking about subjugating women and treating them poorly so that women will stay with them they are showing their unattractive misogynistic attitudes that, personally, turn my stomach. While I agree that no one should be put so high on a pedestal that you get taken for granted, treating women like sh*& will not achieve a mutually satisfying ADULT partnership either. I believe that you will reap what you sow eventually, but you also can't be a door mat either.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by ntovrhm You're not a bad guy for NOT giving the gifts, if that's what you are worried about. Since you no longer dating, you have no obligation to her. Giving her the gifts is contact, even though you have expressed you wish to maintain no contact for a while. I didn't tell her it was no contact though. She has no clue. I did already tell her weeks ago I had her present and her families. If I don't give them, I fear it will be perceived as vindictive. That's all. And don't worry about "alpha male" and "theone44" opinions. They sometimes have good advice, but when they starting talking about subjugating women and treating them poorly so that women will stay with them they are showing their unattractive misogynistic attitudes that, personally, turn my stomach. True. I've heard some dumb advice in my lifetime but theirs just takes the cake and sets society back 200 years. Just what we need in this world While I agree that no one should be put so high on a pedestal that you get taken for granted, treating women like sh*& will not achieve a mutually satisfying ADULT partnership either. I believe that you will reap what you sow eventually, but you also can't be a door mat either. Exactly. That's where I am at now. She knows I am not going to take this BS from her. She knows I love her but I am sick of her dragging me through the mud while she tries and sorts her feelings out. If I am not around her, it will make it easier for her to decide, good or bad. And in the meantime, I can go on with my life.
ntovrhm Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Put the gifts aside, and if she is really thinking about it, she will contact you to get the presents. You can then hand them over if you wish. She will have this excuse to get in touch with you if she really wants. But the no contact is also for your benefit and state of mind. For you to focus on yourself, and not so much on her. And believe me, it helps. It isn't about games, or being vindictive, when you really get down to it.
alphamale Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Exactly. That's where I am at now. She knows I am not going to take this BS from her. She knows I love her but I am sick of her dragging me through the mud while she tries and sorts her feelings out. If I am not around her, it will make it easier for her to decide, good or bad. And in the meantime, I can go on with my life. C.O.C> Oh so you ARE a spineless jellyfish then. I see now.... you split up with her cause she was taking advantage of you and disrespecting you. So you will reward her family for her bad behavior by sending them gifts?!? WTF?
theone44 Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC I didn't tell her it was no contact though. She has no clue. I did already tell her weeks ago I had her present and her families. If I don't give them, I fear it will be perceived as vindictive. That's all. True. I've heard some dumb advice in my lifetime but theirs just takes the cake and sets society back 200 years. Just what we need in this world Exactly. That's where I am at now. She knows I am not going to take this BS from her. She knows I love her but I am sick of her dragging me through the mud while she tries and sorts her feelings out. If I am not around her, it will make it easier for her to decide, good or bad. And in the meantime, I can go on with my life. your woman was disrespecting and treating you bad... Women with an high interest of romantic love for a man..does not treat their men badly. Well u kind of did her a favor,because in due time, she would have dump you anyway. Like alphaman said,so now you going to reward her for bad behavior.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 Both you and Alpha keep right on thinking with that mentality. Everything to you both is very "primal" and "primitive." Ridiculous.
alphamale Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Both you and Alpha keep right on thinking with that mentality. Everything to you both is very "primal" and "primitive." Ridiculous. It is not primal or primitive. It is reality and human nature. When you reward someone (or their family) after they misbehave you are in essense reinforcing their misbehavior. If I did something bad to you then right after you hand me $1,000 ca$h then I am going to keep on doing bad things to you cause I'll make a lot of money. We are just trying to help and others on this thread have told you not to send any gift also.
theone44 Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Both you and Alpha keep right on thinking with that mentality. Everything to you both is very "primal" and "primitive." Ridiculous. if you had a dog. then all of a sudden it start bitting you and giving you a hard time....would you keep or continuing feeding it. You get my point.
ntovrhm Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 They are right to the extent that you should not reward someone for treating you poorly. But we're going in circles here now. But just give some more thought as to why you really want to give the gifts. Because it is not vindictive or mean NOT to give them. I do think its time that you thought more about yourself at this point. If she doesn't understand what you meant to her, its her loss. And suppose she does come back, you may be in the same position you were in before if she does not change the way she treated you. So if there is any hope for her to realize what she lost, I think you need to back off completely, and NOT reach out to give her the gifts. Good luck to you. Concentrate on giving YOURSELF a good holiday!
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by ntovrhm They are right to the extent that you should not reward someone for treating you poorly. But we're going in circles here now. But just give some more thought as to why you really want to give the gifts. Because it is not vindictive or mean NOT to give them. I do think its time that you thought more about yourself at this point. If she doesn't understand what you meant to her, its her loss. And suppose she does come back, you may be in the same position you were in before if she does not change the way she treated you. So if there is any hope for her to realize what she lost, I think you need to back off completely, and NOT reach out to give her the gifts. Good luck to you. Concentrate on giving YOURSELF a good holiday! Thanks. I have time here. Christmas is still a few weeks away and we're on day 4 of NC. Let's see if she contacts me first and if so, what her attitude is. Thanks again. PS: Yes I understand the mentality of rewarding bad behavior, it's the way you two use your analogies that is just indicative of the way you think. Very primitive.
alphamale Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC xmas still a few weeks away and we're on day 4 of NC. Let's see if she contacts me first and if so, what her attitude is. boo hoo hoo, a WHOLE 4 DAYS OF NO CONTACT. Well let;s see if u can make it to day 6. NC means 3 or 4 months. You have half a wk under you belt. I bet you will break before you reach 7 days and call her. And what little respect she has for you (which is prob none) will be gone after you send those gifts to her family. This woman is most likely laughing in your face as i write this.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 10, 2004 Author Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale boo hoo hoo, a WHOLE 4 DAYS OF NO CONTACT. Well let;s see if u can make it to day 6. NC means 3 or 4 months. You have half a wk under you belt. I bet you will break before you reach 7 days and call her. And what little respect she has for you (which is prob none) will be gone after you send those gifts to her family. This woman is most likely laughing in your face as i write this. How old are you, alphamale? 11? 12? Why are you on LS? If you're such a stud, if you know it all, why aren't you out there with a real live woman living up life instead of on a support site?! Given your immaturity, I'd say you're not half the man you think are.
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