ConfusedInOC Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 OK, I just started the NO CONTACT phase. The problem is the presents for the Ex are already bought. No contact started Sunday morning. It's been 4 days. She hasn't contacted me (though admittedly she has finals to study for and this issue only makes her crawl into a shell and study harder) then she has Jury Duty so I probably wouldn't hear from her anyway. I think it's stupid to not give her presents I already told her weeks I had for her and her family. Her family loves me, I love them - what do I do?! I could just give THEM their presents and not get her anything but that's just mean. I am not like that. I don't want contact with her. Just to drop it off and go. Thoughts?!
shopgrl Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Don't give her presents--she broke up with you! Dropping off the presents = contact with her. What good is it going to do for you? Say you drop off the presents and she doesn't call to thank you-- then how are you going to feel? I bet worse than you are feeling right now. I wouldn't even do this but at most, send her family a Christmas card. Whatever you do, don't send her the presents, she will think she can walk all over you. Trust me, she will see the presents as a sign of you wanting contact with her. Don't make the holiday season any more difficult than it already is for you.
beejsea2 Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 You said that you already bought her and her family presents. I know that there are many places that take donations of gifts this time of year. Find one of those places donate the gifts and just think about making someone less fortunate than you and great Christmas. I agree if you give her the gifts she'll be in control and not you and you need to control your destiny!!
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by shopgrl Don't give her presents--she broke up with you! Dropping off the presents = contact with her. What good is it going to do for you? Say you drop off the presents and she doesn't call to thank you-- then how are you going to feel? I bet worse than you are feeling right now. I wouldn't even do this but at most, send her family a Christmas card. No I broke it off with her. When asked "What's the problem?" with her and I, all she can say is "It doesn't feel right" so I am the one who said "I hope you find what you're looking for" and walked away. She needs to be without me to realize what she is missing. But since I walked away, is it fair to not give her something I already bought and she knows that I bought it? Whatever you do, don't send her the presents, she will think she can walk all over you. Trust me, she will see the presents as a sign of you wanting contact with her. Don't make the holiday season any more difficult than it already is for you. She wont' call. She'll probably drop an email and if I don't reply she might end up pressuring me to find out why (though she already knows.) I am in a tough spot here....
beejsea2 Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 You making this harder on yourself than it really is!! So what if she knows that you bought her a gift already..you bought that gift when you were together and now you're not!! I'm wondering if you want to give her the gift in hopes that she will want to get back with you??
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by beejsea2 You making this harder on yourself than it really is!! So what if she knows that you bought her a gift already..you bought that gift when you were together and now you're not!! I'm wondering if you want to give her the gift in hopes that she will want to get back with you?? No, that's not it. I know she needs the gift. I don't buy her luxuries, I buy her things she needs. I think if I don't contact her when I drop the gift off, I do send a message that "I follow my word, I just don't want to talk to you...." Yes, it will make her feel guilty but it will also make her think more. She seriously doubts men right now and if I reneg then I am just like every other man. I have always been honest and true and kept my word.
beejsea2 Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Than give her and her family the gifts because it sounds that you made up your mind. I'm sure that she's not going to wonder why you didn't give her the gifts because you told her that you were going to...especially now since you are no longer together...just my opinion.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by beejsea2 Than give her and her family the gifts because it sounds that you made up your mind. I'm sure that she's not going to wonder why you didn't give her the gifts because you told her that you were going to...especially now since you are no longer together...just my opinion. I know. But I told her this weeks ago. My ex, you need to understand, is not an evil person. She's really a loving, caring person. She just suffers from insecurities that make her do stupid things. She knows I am the one man who has been working fervently to dig her out of the hole she is in. Reminders of me abound in her life but the thing she needs is time away from me to learn to love and appreciate me. Giving her the present I bought her, I know that's going to hurt my NO CONTACT but this was made up BEFORE no contact came into play. As I said, I have no intention of talking to her. The card will only say "Merry Christmas".
beejsea2 Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 First of all if she has in-securities you or no one else can help her through them...only she can help herself!! Drop the gifts off and leave it at that...
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by beejsea2 First of all if she has in-securities you or no one else can help her through them...only she can help herself!! I agree, but being supportive - inch by inch - day by day, you can help people. When she showed me examples of her insecurities (ie: "You'll never have this problem" or "I'll fail at this...") I always pointed them out when she said them and said "See, there's a good example of the kind of mindset you need to overcome." I would then go on to give her examples of past successes when she "knew" she would fail. It was starting to work. Hopefully I planted the right seeds. Remember, she's been screwed over by every man she's loved. She's probably afraid to love me for the same reasons (I remind her a LOT of her first love). There's no way for me to prove I won't screw her over, she's either going to learn to trust again or be alone the rest of her life. Drop the gifts off and leave it at that... That's the plan. I do appreciate the advice. I often agonize over decisions I know I am already going to make but hearing someone else's point of view definitely helps me see things more clearly. Most appreciated.
beejsea2 Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 That's what we're here for to help you. I'm going through a bad break-up but I refuse to let myself be engulfed by the what if's etc. I'm moving on and doing what's best for me!
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by beejsea2 That's what we're here for to help you. I'm going through a bad break-up but I refuse to let myself be engulfed by the what if's etc. I'm moving on and doing what's best for me! I already know the "what if's." The only thing that is possible now is no contact. She either: a. Realizes the mistake or b. I get to move on with my life. Win/Win situation when you think about it. I really have a lot to offer the right person and if it's not her then I would really like to find the right person soon. There's a Christian dance on Friday and I keep pondering whether to go or not...
beejsea2 Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Why not go to the dance?? Just go to the dance as an opportunity to get out of the house and enjoy yourself...just don't jump into another relationship right away to try and forget about your last relationship!
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by beejsea2 Why not go to the dance?? Just go to the dance as an opportunity to get out of the house and enjoy yourself...just don't jump into another relationship right away to try and forget about your last relationship! Not that I am a tight wad (coz I am not!) but the dance is $30.00 at the door. I am wondering if it's worth it to sit around for a few hours when I should be cleaning my SportBike for Saturday's ride.... Excuses, excuses...I know. I'll go. I need to go. I need to get out and feel like a man again instead of a beaten down, tired old fool....
alphamale Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC I think it's stupid to not give her presents I already told her weeks I had for her and her family. Her family loves me, I love them - what do I do?! I could just give THEM their presents and not get her anything but that's just mean. I am not like that. I don't want contact with her. Just to drop it off and go. Thoughts?! If you are NOT mean then you better BECOME mean pronto! DOn't give anyone anything until after you get back together with her, IF you ever do. If you give her family presents it will look like you're trying to bribe them with gifts. Another observation, it seems like you have put her in the driver's seat here. Why is that? The man should always be dominant and in control of the relationship.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale If you are NOT mean then you better BECOME mean pronto! Mean for "means sake" is idiotic. If you have to be mean to make a point then you don't really have a valid point. DOn't give anyone anything until after you get back together with her, IF you ever do. The point is I already bought it, we talked about it weeks ago and to not give it to her would be vindictive and counter to my personality. She already knows I am neither mean or vindictive and if I had been, we would have never started dating in the first place. I am not changing who I am to make her angry or jealous. She either appreciates me for who I am or we part forever. If you give her family presents it will look like you're trying to bribe them with gifts. They know better as I enjoy an excellent relationship with her family. I stayed over there often, spent all of the the Thanksgiving Holiday with them. They like me, I like them. I am not going to be mean to them because of her. Another observation, it seems like you have put her in the driver's seat here. Why is that? The man should always be dominant and in control of the relationship. You know, I've seen enough of your replies to know why you're having relationship problems. This statement here is a prime example. You should do less talking and more listening on LS. You might just learn how completely twisted your view of the world is.
alphamale Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC You know, I've seen enough of your replies to know why you're having relationship problems. This statement here is a prime example. You should do less talking and more listening on LS. You might just learn how completely twisted your view of the world is. i don't have any relationship problems right now and usually don't cause I tell the women what to do and dump them if they don't comply. problem today is way too many men are not MEN, they are wimpy little sissies that women walk all over and have ZERO respect for. it is called wimpus americanus I dont' ask for advice here, I give it out, and I give it out straight and with no sugar coating. Go ahead and do what you want but I guarantee you will pay dearly.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale i don't have any relationship problems right now and usually don't cause I tell the women what to do and dump them if they don't comply. Comply? Boy, you have a lot to learn about relationships. There are two people involved, not just you. problem today is way too many men are not MEN, they are wimpy little sissies that women walk all over and have ZERO respect for. it is called wimpus americanus It's a two way street. I didn't let my Ex walk all over me. As much as I love her, I am the one who walked away. That took a lot of guts. I dont' ask for advice here, I give it out, and I give it out straight and with no sugar coating. The problem is you think it's advice when really it resembles nothing more than "macho tripe." Go ahead and do what you want but I guarantee you will pay dearly. Unless you are a sage of some sort or have been intimately involved in our relationship you can "guarantee" nothing but making yourself look silly. Sound advice is always appreciated. Your "opinions" based on your "insecurities" causing your overly "machiositic" attitude is not. Cheers.
alphamale Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Sound advice is always appreciated. Your "opinions" based on your "insecurities" causing your overly "machiositic" attitude is not. Look, i'm not going to argue with you here. You asked for advice and I gave my opinion. You should look at everyone's opinion and then figure out what you want to do. If you don't like my advice then disregard it.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale Look, i'm not going to argue with you here. You asked for advice and I gave my opinion. You should look at everyone's opinion and then figure out what you want to do. If you don't like my advice then disregard it. I have looked at everyone's advice. I'm igorning your opinions because I think they're ridiculously insensitive and reek of someone with a personality disorder. But thanks.
theone44 Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC OK, I just started the NO CONTACT phase. The problem is the presents for the Ex are already bought. No contact started Sunday morning. It's been 4 days. She hasn't contacted me (though admittedly she has finals to study for and this issue only makes her crawl into a shell and study harder) then she has Jury Duty so I probably wouldn't hear from her anyway. I think it's stupid to not give her presents I already told her weeks I had for her and her family. Her family loves me, I love them - what do I do?! I could just give THEM their presents and not get her anything but that's just mean. I am not like that. I don't want contact with her. Just to drop it off and go. Thoughts?! Don't send her or her family anything. I don't get it....If you send her or her family anything,she still have control over you. she going to say to herself i broke up with this man,and this fool is still sending me gifts. Once a woman leave you it over man......just leave her alone. Have a backbone. Never put know one over God nor yourself. God first,you next,then your children,if you have any,and everybody else come last,even your woman.
alphamale Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by theone44 Have a backbone. Never put know one over God nor yourself. God first,you next,then your children,if you have any,and everybody else come last,even your woman. The above is some of the BEST advice I have read on LS to date!
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by theone44 Don't send her or her family anything. I don't get it....If you send her or her family anything,she still have control over you. she going to say to herself i broke up with this man,and this fool is still sending me gifts. Once a woman leave you it over man......just leave her alone. Have a backbone. Never put know one over God nor yourself. God first,you next,then your children,if you have any,and everybody else come last,even your woman. She didn't leave me, I left her. Her family already knows I have presents, this was before I left her. Maybe I should have made that clear from the beginning. To not send them after they already know I have them would be vindictive. Leaving her alone was my choice.
theone44 Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale i don't have any relationship problems right now and usually don't cause I tell the women what to do and dump them if they don't comply. problem today is way too many men are not MEN, they are wimpy little sissies that women walk all over and have ZERO respect for. it is called wimpus americanus I dont' ask for advice here, I give it out, and I give it out straight and with no sugar coating. Go ahead and do what you want but I guarantee you will pay dearly. Well said alphamale. Alot of men just don't get it,and many don't why thier women break-up or leave them. I Agree with you alphamale some men are failure when it come to women. Women don't have respect for weak ,nice men,with no back bone,who kiss up to them.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by theone44 Well said alphamale. Alot of men just don't get it,and many don't why thier women break-up or leave them. I Agree with you alphamale some men are failure when it come to women. Women don't have respect for weak ,nice men,with no back bone,who kiss up to them. You're assuming that most men are that way. Trust me, it took a lot of backbone for me to walk away her. It took a lot to initiate no contact. But these plans were made before no contact and she knows I am no pushover.
Recommended Posts