My fear of this long distance relationship

[Lotte95]

Hello everyone ,

My name is lotte and iv been in this Long distance relationship for 3 years now. Now my story is that i have fell in love with this guy from greece. I am from belgium so there is a pretty big distance. he is older then me but that is for some reason not even bothering me. Now we're not dating , because we decided to stay friends till the day were are face to face. Now i am the most insecure person in this world i suppose. Getting jealous so easily , dou. bting him and all that. Ofcourse i will never know when he is lying. We skype atleast 2 - 3 times a week. he is off to his friends 3 - 4 days a week cause he doesnt likes beeing home and doesnt has a job, and i guess i shouldnt be searching for things behind this. But i love him and sometimes i dont know or he tells me the truth. there is nothing assuming that he is lying , but its all in my head. Now the thing that im a student , not having a job makes it the worst thing ever. Since he has money trouble , and i basicly also do makes us not able to meet. Greece is not the furthest place ever so it should be possible to meet him right? But just not yet. Im saving up , figuring things out. He also talked about the flying costs and all that so he is cosidering meeting me which makes me really happy. But there is just one thing i am so scared off. What if i will go over there , i fly over and he is gonna stood me up? There is this fear in my head that is so scared of that. i will have to travel alone cause no one will be able to spend money on going with me. Do you guys have any tips or ideas for me to do about my doubts about him and maybe your LDR lovestory? Thank you.

- Lotte

[Carenth]

Are you saying you have being in a LDR relationship for 3 years and never met? That is a really long time to be in a LDR without even meeting once.

 

Sorry to say but if neither of you have the means to travel then this probably isn't going to go anywhere. LDRs will obviously need travel at some point if it is to become anything more than online friends.

 

I'm basically asking what is appealing about this "relationship"? You have never met and it seems like you have shaky plans to meet. Even if you do meet what then? Another 3 years before the next trip. Sorry to sound so negative but it seems like this relationship if you can call it that is not going anywhere.

[Lotte95]

ofcourse 3 years is a long time. But there is nothing to do about it when there is no money for it? And there are people who have long distance relationships for a longer time. i didnt came on here for you to tell me that this isnt going to work out , because i feel crappy enough about it already. I still go to school and i dont have a job. What else can i do? nothing right.

[TMichaels]

Now my story is that i have fell in love with this guy from greece. I am from belgium so there is a pretty big distance. he is older then me but that is for some reason not even bothering me.

 

How much older? How old are the two of you?

 

Now we're not dating , because we decided to stay friends till the day were are face to face. Now i am the most insecure person in this world i suppose. Getting jealous so easily , dou. bting him and all that.

 

So if you're not dating then what right do you have to get jealous or doubt him? Are you this way with your other friends?

 

Of course i will never know when he is lying.

 

That's right. Which is why it's foolish to spend three years holding a torch for someone you don't really know. You're in love with the person *you think* or *hope* he is and have no way of knowing whether anything you think or he's told you is true.

 

We skype atleast 2 - 3 times a week.

 

Why?

 

he is off to his friends 3 - 4 days a week cause he doesnt likes beeing home and doesnt has a job, and i guess i shouldnt be searching for things behind this.

 

Why isn't he spending the time *finding* a job instead of socializing?

 

But i love him and sometimes i dont know or he tells me the truth. there is nothing assuming that he is lying , but its all in my head.

 

People fall in love with liars every day. The reason why they do is more important.

 

Now the thing that im a student , not having a job makes it the worst thing ever. Since he has money trouble , and i basicly also do makes us not able to meet. Greece is not the furthest place ever so it should be possible to meet him right? But just not yet. Im saving up , figuring things out.

 

Why are *you* doing all the working, thinking, saving and planning? IOW, why are you so desperate to be with this guy? How/where did you meet him anyway?

 

He also talked about the flying costs and all that so he is cosidering meeting me which makes me really happy.

 

He's "considering" meeting you? Has it occurred to you that if he was truly interested he would be moving heaven and earth to make that happen including getting off his butt and getting a job. At the very least, he'd be offering to pay for half the cost of your visit. Yet, he's doing nothing. Doesn't that give you a clue about how serious he is about you?

 

But there is just one thing i am so scared off. What if i will go over there , i fly over and he is gonna stood me up? There is this fear in my head that is so scared of that. i will have to travel alone cause no one will be able to spend money on going with me.

 

Instead of worrying whether you'll be stood up, you ought to be worrying about your safety.

 

If you're not old and mature enough to travel on your own and be able to handle whatever situations may come your way, then you shouldn't be pursuing a LDR with someone you've never met and traveling 1600 miles at your own expense to meet him. Simple as.

 

You've already invested three years in this guy and don't even know whether you can trust him. Grow up, take charge of your life, let go, and move on.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[devilish innocent]

There are never any guarantees in any type of a relationship. You just have to decide if somebody is worth the risk or not. If they are, then you take that chance. You can't know how things will turn out until you're there. So worrying about it in advance is pointless. It's best to put the thought out of your head until you have to deal with it.

 

One thing I would caution- I've noticed from both people I've known in real life and from stories I've read on the internet, that a lot of these long distance relationships end right after the first visit. While you are together, it's all fun because one person is on vacation and the other is showing the first around. Then after the visit there is a natural let down period. A lot of people can't handle the let down period and decide to end things at that point. I would strongly caution anyone not to have sex on the first visit. Take things slow and leave some of the fun for later when he's proven he can handle the distance.

[Lotte95]

There are never any guarantees in any type of a relationship. You just have to decide if somebody is worth the risk or not. If they are, then you take that chance. You can't know how things will turn out until you're there. So worrying about it in advance is pointless. It's best to put the thought out of your head until you have to deal with it.

 

One thing I would caution- I've noticed from both people I've known in real life and from stories I've read on the internet, that a lot of these long distance relationships end right after the first visit. While you are together, it's all fun because one person is on vacation and the other is showing the first around. Then after the visit there is a natural let down period. A lot of people can't handle the let down period and decide to end things at that point. I would strongly caution anyone not to have sex on the first visit. Take things slow and leave some of the fun for later when he's proven he can handle the distance.

I think i figured it all out now. Everyone is telling me how he can be a liar and all that and ofcourse i had the thought. Not all relationships are like that. But they are not in my situation anyway. I trust him , maybe not enough , but ill have to finish school and see how things go from there. Alot of people on here basicly tell me to get over him. but you're message exacly didnt make me feel like ****. So thanks.

[Solcita2]

There are never any guarantees in any type of a relationship. You just have to decide if somebody is worth the risk or not. If they are, then you take that chance. You can't know how things will turn out until you're there. So worrying about it in advance is pointless. It's best to put the thought out of your head until you have to deal with it.

 

One thing I would caution- I've noticed from both people I've known in real life and from stories I've read on the internet, that a lot of these long distance relationships end right after the first visit. While you are together, it's all fun because one person is on vacation and the other is showing the first around. Then after the visit there is a natural let down period. A lot of people can't handle the let down period and decide to end things at that point. I would strongly caution anyone not to have sex on the first visit. Take things slow and leave some of the fun for later when he's proven he can handle the distance.

 

I agree with ALL of what you said.

 

Let me tell you one thing. I started a relationship just like you, online. fell hard for him and I thought he did the same.

We used to skype EVERY DAY, and not only that, he would also call my house speak with my mom, etc...

 

I travelled to him because he couldn't travel to me because of his job. I took one week off and went.

 

The almost 2 weeks there were perfect, great time, great sex, great everything... I met lots of his friends as well... Came back home, resign to my job and started to get ready to move there with him for good...

 

One week before my departure he leaves me for no reason... then I find out that he was married... nothing made much sense... we were open about us, I met lots of his friends, even his kids through skype blah blah blah...

 

His wife had no problems with him having girlfriends... the engagement she had a problem with... so it had to end...

 

We all think we know them... but I would NEVER in my life again invest my heart and time in someone I don't know in person.

And let me tell you one thing, I'm engaged now to a person I met online too... the difference is that we started talking online and met in person in a week... I was not going to waiste my time again... so I wanted to be sure I liked him and he liked me back and all...

 

5 years later we're together, engaged, have two cats together and a REAL RELATIONSHIP.

 

Coming from a OLR (and having heard all kind of **** from my jealous sister and my friends) let me tell you, they were right, THAT'S NOT A RELATIONSHIP.

 

And about being careful, PLEASE DO... one year after that "relationship" ended I found myself with an STD (he was my first and only one by that time, so yeap, I got a souvenir as well). PLEASE PLEASE BE CAREFUL.

[Lotte95]

Thank you very much for your message. If i ever had the chance to have met this guy faster , i would. Not only so i could be with this person , but also so i could be sure about everything and well sometimes people just can't afford it and im one of these people. I will be careful , i promise. Im not sure what the future holds for me , but i will figure this all out. I will stay friends with him , for my age ( 19) this is the best things to do. If he wants to meet me , he will have to come to me.

[FitChick]

How old is this guy? Since so many people are unemployed in Greece, it sounds like you are just a pleasant diversion for him. If he got a job you'd probably never hear from him again because more women in his town would rather date someone with a job than someone without.

 

There is no reason why you can't date boys in Belgium while still planning to meet him later. You are merely friends and Skype pals.

 

I am not anti-LDR as I've had several myself and am contemplating another one.

[Lotte95]

How old is this guy? Since so many people are unemployed in Greece, it sounds like you are just a pleasant diversion for him. If he got a job you'd probably never hear from him again because more women in his town would rather date someone with a job than someone without.

 

There is no reason why you can't date boys in Belgium while still planning to meet him later. You are merely friends and Skype pals.

 

I am not anti-LDR as I've had several myself and am contemplating another one.

He is 29 and i figured out you are right. At the moment im having trusting issues and i have the feeling he has been lying to me. I figured that the best thing to do is to just be friends and not visit him at all. I started getting feelings for him cause i was sure id never find someone in belgium cause iv been single my entire life. But maybe this LDR is not the right thing to do either. And its better to now change my feelings for my own sake , then when he dumps me and crushes my feelings like its nothing.

[Criticality]

Jesus, its been three years... Just go there! What's the worst that can happen, you'll have to take a 100$ flight back home?

 

If he would stand you up, which isn't that likely, is a better alternative really to Skype him twice a week?!?

 

You have everything to gain, by seeing him in person, and little to lose...

[TMichaels]

Jesus, its been three years... Just go there! What's the worst that can happen, you'll have to take a 100$ flight back home?

 

If he would stand you up, which isn't that likely, is a better alternative really to Skype him twice a week?!?

 

You have everything to gain, by seeing him in person, and little to lose...

 

Yes, they should meet in order to add some "reality" to their "relationship" which will either heat up or end things. But I disagree that *she* should be the one to make the effort.

 

At the very least *he* ought to be paying half her travel/visit expenses if she goes to see him. Or, he needs to get off his behind and scrape up the money to come to see her in Belgium.

 

But *her* making all the effort and footing the bill? No! No! No!

 

To date, the guy hasn't lifted a finger to do anything except Skype a couple of times of day.

 

As I said before, if he was that interested in pursuing a relationship with her he'd doing whatever it takes for the two of them to meet. He's not. And hasn't for three years.

 

'Nuff said.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[nomadic_butterfly]

I agree with ALL of what you said.

 

Let me tell you one thing. I started a relationship just like you, online. fell hard for him and I thought he did the same.

We used to skype EVERY DAY, and not only that, he would also call my house speak with my mom, etc...

 

I travelled to him because he couldn't travel to me because of his job. I took one week off and went.

 

The almost 2 weeks there were perfect, great time, great sex, great everything... I met lots of his friends as well... Came back home, resign to my job and started to get ready to move there with him for good...

 

One week before my departure he leaves me for no reason... then I find out that he was married... nothing made much sense... we were open about us, I met lots of his friends, even his kids through skype blah blah blah...

 

His wife had no problems with him having girlfriends... the engagement she had a problem with... so it had to end...

 

We all think we know them... but I would NEVER in my life again invest my heart and time in someone I don't know in person.

And let me tell you one thing, I'm engaged now to a person I met online too... the difference is that we started talking online and met in person in a week... I was not going to waiste my time again... so I wanted to be sure I liked him and he liked me back and all...

 

5 years later we're together, engaged, have two cats together and a REAL RELATIONSHIP.

 

Coming from a OLR (and having heard all kind of **** from my jealous sister and my friends) let me tell you, they were right, THAT'S NOT A RELATIONSHIP.

 

And about being careful, PLEASE DO... one year after that "relationship" ended I found myself with an STD (he was my first and only one by that time, so yeap, I got a souvenir as well). PLEASE PLEASE BE CAREFUL.

 

OMG your story definitely takes the cake!! That is insane!! I am glad you maintained your dignity and sanity. I am also glad you had a silver lining from that cloud!!

[justwhoiam]

iv been in this Long distance relationship for 3 years now.

 

Now we're not dating , because we decided to stay friends till the day were are face to face.

So you were romantically involved for how long? 2.5 years?

 

Let's see, you have a 10 year gap with him. I have something similar. And age has never been a problem for me, I mean with us two. But I guess lately, I'm sensing it hit him, but I won't go into details with that. It's just to let you know that in ten years - should you have a story with him - you might face that too.

 

What if i will go over there , i fly over and he is gonna stood me up?

Don't fly to Greece: a small economic involvement sounds better than an all-round involvement right now. Save up some money. Ask him if you can arrange his trip to your town. You pay for his flight and hotel a couple of nights. Get a cheap hotel (single room). He'll pay for food and anything else. After all, he must eat at home too. So he must have some money. Maybe he's getting unemployment benefits. So you'd have what you want (at least partly): meeting him in person, nothing really binding in case you want to step back, you can have lunch with him and then say bye and go home, etc.

 

And then, when you meet him, you can see for yourself what kind of guy he is, maybe he could move to Belgium (there are certainly more work opportunities there), or you just don't click and remain friends with him...