If the (Dumper) stays in the picture, will a rebound relationship fail?

October 21, 2013

Kizmet, let me ask you this. If in the instance we've been talking about the dumper denies the dumpee sex would that turn the Dumpee off and stop them from trying, or would it make them try harder to get that sexual intimacy from the dumper?

Look, it'd obvious you're in this situation yourself, as the dumper. Cutting through the hypotheticality of it all, do not have sex with your ex. It will not help them, and will stunt them. The justification of using hook ups with your ex to try and transition them into their new relationship is complete crap.

So simply, and please pay attention to this, go NC (no contact) with your ex to let them get over you. It is giving yourself far too much credit to think they need you, they don't. They just need space and no contact while they run through the stages people go through after a break up.

October 21, 2013

Ok Kimzet, I appreciate your concern for the well being for the "hypothetical" dumpee in this scenario and I do greatly appreciate your participation in this thread but I specifically wrote the narrative of this thread to cultivate "impartial" answers and opinions. Up to this point all your responses have been just that. That you assume the dumper is me derails the function of this thread. It could be me or anyone in the position if the dumper. My questions are solely for academic purposes and future reference. They are not meant to harm anyone or use in a malevolent manner.

That being said I did direct that last question at you. You can still answer it, and I would be appreciative if you did, or you can opt not to. But please I respectfully ask that you keep your answers relevant to the original content of the thread so as to not derail it. It is very hard to get a thread back on topic.

You are very insightful with regard to this particular subject. That much is clear. May I respectfully ask your opinion once more regarding my last post?

"If the dumper denies the dumpee sex would that turn the Dumpee off and stop them from trying, or would it make them try harder to get that sexual intimacy from the dumper?"

October 21, 2013

"If the dumper denies the dumpee sex would that turn the Dumpee off and stop them from trying, or would it make them try harder to get that sexual intimacy from the dumper?"

That depends on the Dumpees personality. Why would the Dumper even consider this instead of thinking about what he/she wants out of it? Wich is clearly getting the Dumpee back. And in that case, the Dumper should be expected to have invested enough interest in the Dumpee to actually know the person and the answer.

October 21, 2013

Valid point ColdAlone. Lets switch gears a little bit to address that. Lets assume that the Dumper is interested in getting the Dumpee back but has not made that fact openly known. Also it is the Dumpee who is initiating all the contact and sexual advances.

Does this cause the rebound to thrive or fail? Or is the Dumpee simply using the dumper to ease into the transition of the new relationship?

October 21, 2013

Valid point ColdAlone. Lets switch gears a little bit to address that. Lets assume that the Dumper is interested in getting the Dumpee back but has not made that fact openly known. Also it is the Dumpee who is initiating all the contact and sexual advances.
Does this cause the rebound to thrive or fail? Or is the Dumpee simply using the dumper to ease into the transition of the new relationship?

I think the Dumper in this case should at least keep communication going. And I don't think the Dumpee has a consious reason for doing this perse. I might be genuine confusion, doubt. And in this way Dumpee could think it is protecting its feelings. If the Dumper could handle just sex, I would say take it and see where it goes. Do not expect or start a conversation about anything else, except to respond to anything the Dumpee sais about it.

As for the rebound... Could go either way. I think most commonly Dumpee would be attracted to both people for different reasons. Depending on the value Dumpee puts on those reasons a choice would be made.

Either way it takes a very strong mindset for Dumper to handle this.

October 21, 2013

Let me put this into personal experience too. I've had an ex who consistently after a year began to have sex with her ex every 2-3 months. Then she would leave, tell me it's my fault, and would come back.

At some point people set her up with a new guy while we were broken up again. I pulled, she kept coming to me to 'talk', we had sex almost every time... for about 3 months.

Then I gave up. A year later I contact her for something in her line of work. She wants to come over and visit. Right then and there we sort of agree that she will visit every Tuesday before work, just to have sex with me.... While having the other guy.

For me at that point it was just about the sex (I had no one else) and a point proven to myself that it was not me, it was her. I kept that going for some months.

For her... well she just couldn't decide in the beginning of her new relationship, he gave her the affection, I gave her the awesome sex. But at some point she painted me black enough with her relatives that it was just impossible for me to even go back to her. But yes, after reconnecting she did admit that she rather had me.

October 21, 2013

Let me put this into personal experience too. I've had an ex who consistently after a year began to have sex with her ex every 2-3 months. Then she would leave, tell me it's my fault, and would come back.

At some point people set her up with a new guy while we were broken up again. I pulled, she kept coming to me to 'talk', we had sex almost every time... for about 3 months.

Then I gave up. A year later I contact her for something in her line of work. She wants to come over and visit. Right then and there we sort of agree that she will visit every Tuesday before work, just to have sex with me.... While having the other guy.

For me at that point it was just about the sex (I had no one else) and a point proven to myself that it was not me, it was her. I kept that going for some months.

For her... well she just couldn't decide in the beginning of her new relationship, he gave her the affection, I gave her the awesome sex. But at some point she painted me black enough with her relatives that it was just impossible for me to even go back to her. But yes, after reconnecting she did admit that she rather had me.

So ColdAlone, what was the ultimate outcome of this on/off relationship to date? What did you mean by "a point proven to myself that it was not me, it was her."? Also when she said she preferred you did anything come of that?

October 21, 2013

So ColdAlone, what was the ultimate outcome of this on/off relationship to date? What did you mean by "a point proven to myself that it was not me, it was her."? Also when she said she preferred you did anything come of that?

No, this was 'aftertalk'... we both moved on, just had sex and talked about the relationship. No reason for the both of us to lie about anything.

What I had proven to myself is that she sleeping around with an ex while in another relationship was all her and not me.

So the outcome was that she married the other guy. Mainly because of what people would say if she would go back to me. This thanks to her spreading lies about me so she wouldn't look bad.

At the time I contacted her after a year I was no longer interested in her relationship wise. Wich is why I could just limit it to weekly sex. I stopped that the moment I became interested in someone else.

October 21, 2013

No, this was 'aftertalk'... we both moved on, just had sex and talked about the relationship. No reason for the both of us to lie about anything.
What I had proven to myself is that she sleeping around with an ex while in another relationship was all her and not me.

So the outcome was that she married the other guy. Mainly because of what people would say if she would go back to me. This thanks to her spreading lies about me so she wouldn't look bad.

At the time I contacted her after a year I was no longer interested in her relationship wise. Wich is why I could just limit it to weekly sex. I stopped that the moment I became interested in someone else.

Ok ColdAlone, your response is a game changer. I did not anticipate someone to respond who had almost the exact same set of circumstances. With that said I am going to go against the grain of my OP and post the background. Please tell me how you think this scenario in this thread shakes out for me given the background I am about to post. Obviously your experience is a parallel to what going on in my life

October 21, 2013

ColdAlone, here is the backstory:

Ive been in an ON/OFF open relationship for the past 6 years with this woman. I was always clear about my intentions in that I was not ready for a committed relationship. She accepted that initially. Over time she fell in love with me and made it clear to me that I was the man she was willing to wait for and would be there for me when I was ready. She said that out of all the men in all her life I knew I was “the one”. We agreed to be “sexually exclusive” meaning that we could see other people but if one of us wondered outside of that arrangement we would tell the other. I did see other women but she claims she never saw other men. As things progressed her love for me grew deeper and stronger and with that her need and desire to have more of my time. Time I simply did not have to give.

Eventually she started to insist that we be in a committed relationship and that’s when things went south. As my time was already spread thin with my work (I travel often) she assumed I was sleeping with other women, which I was not. I did everything I could to convince her that I still honored our original agreement but her jealousy and insecurity just grew stronger and stronger. Finally one day after we just finished having sex she tells me she has a boyfriend. My natural response was “Ok, if you have a boyfriend then why did you just have sex with me?” She claimed they had not slept together which I found ridiculous given her extreme sexual nature. I said “then I better go” she then begged me to stay…. I left anyway. Over the following month our communication (which was daily) dropped to weekly. In that time we had sex two more times, one of which she claimed they broke up and the final time she finally admitted she was cheating.

The last night after we had sex and she admitted she was cheating I told her all my true feelings and said goodbye. The whole time she was cursing me and yelling at me to leave. I admit I was emotional and even cried as her affections had become a part of my life. . I am no fool, I know when to punch out and I was not about to be the backup emotional support for some other guy…. Even if she was cheating on him with me. I put my pants back on and exited stage left with my dignity still intact. I assumed that was it, the end, low and behold a week later she casually sends me a text inviting me over. However, things in my own life had taken a turn for the unexpected…. I too got into a committed relationship with an old flame. I responded by telling her I am sorry but I have a girlfriend now.

This is where I need to communities support. She replied in the most hatful way imaginable telling me to “f*ck off”, Im disgusting, she never wants to hear from me again, She only ever wanted me to love her, now she is going marry this new guy or “whoever”…. (She actually said “whoever”). But she also said I gave away what she always wanted and deserved from me to someone else. Over the next couple of weeks I got some other hatful texts saying similar things. I replied peacefully saying things like “I respect your feelings and hope you’re doing well”. The contact stopped for the longest period in over 2 years. I figured its done, she moved on. Then out of nowhere she sends a long winded and angry text thanking me for leaving her, how awful everything we shared together was, how I am nothing but evil, and how much happier she is now that I am gone. Perhaps it was foolish but I replied again by saying “sorry you feel that way but I hope you are doing well.

Since that point her tone has changed. She became more polite and ultimately inviting. There was some back and fourth, a little confusion, and eventually she called and we spoke for the first time in over a month. She was playful, receptive, and open both emotionally and sexually which was strange given that she was still in her new relationship. She eventually invited me over and it LITERALLY too seconds of me entering the door before she tried to jump my bones. I declined her advances and told her to slow down. She did not like that and began to act very childish... Started to text her BF in front of me and even made some very rude comments about my relationship. I am assuming she acted this was because I did not cave to her sexual advances. The whole interaction lasted 45 minutes before I decided to leave. HOWEVER, she did piss me off something fierce. In a moment of heated passion (admittedly not a shining moment) I decided to scare her a bit and drove down the street to where her BF worked at a convenient store. I was not going to do anything but she knew what I was going and it did scare the hell out of her. I regret that, it was out of character for me. I just wanted to show her the same disrespect she showed for my relationship. She txt me immediately after and said she was done with me forever. I believed that too after the stunt I pulled. LITERALLY 2 days later she text me again asking if we could hang out that day. I was floored?!?! I was busy that day and couldn't go right away but we had a polite back and fourth and she said she would txt me later and she never did. I sent her a very brief txt that same night (nothing big, just a goodnight) but she didnt respond. That was a few days ago now.

Anyhow ColdAlone, that is why I posted this thread originally. I have been in the picture of the womens "rebound" relationship from the beginning and apparently still am. Taking your experience into account does it sound like this is a sex thing for her or is it more? I do know that she does have a deep love for me and always has but I am confused by her erratic behavior. He do you see this playing out?

October 21, 2013

I see this playout badly. And I think this girl has some traits of a personality disorder. You can play if you want, do the push/pull thing for awhile.

Mine, afterwards said if only I stayed away she would have come back by herself. Rationally speaking I don't buy it, but I guess that's what she really believed (a year later that is).

I played this game. For example, the people she worked with gave her a weekend away when she was still 'in doubt'. She went to a motel, txted me she felt bad and wanted to even hurt herself (wich she never did in her life btw).

I would jump in my car immediately, drive 300 miles to get to her. We would have a nice remainder of the day, walk in the park, some talk, diner, whirlpool and ofcourse sex.

I knew the other guy would come the next day, after I would have gone home. She told me she would break it off with him.

I would go, and txt this guy that I hoped he enjoyed the bed, since the uhm... well my remainders of the intercourse were still there.

After the weekend, sunday evening she would contact me. Ofcourse she didn't break it off, because he was crying and whatnot.

Well in short, I kept playing this game for about 3 months, maybe 4. Basicly he played the smart card, getting on the good side of her parents. I could already no longer do that since she painted me black there. So her parents said if she ever went back to me they wouldn't talk to her anymore.

If I remember correctly, that's why I gave up.

So how this plays out for you depends on how far you are willing to go. It would involve for example sometimes saying you don't put up with it, or you don't want to see her ever again, wich can make her come to you. And sometimes just giving in. Having sex with her I just saw as a way to bind her to me, at that time. Since if there's one thing I'm confident about it's my ability regarding that

It's not for everyone this game, and I'm not proud of it looking back. Your mileage may vary....

October 21, 2013

I see this playout badly. And I think this girl has some traits of a personality disorder. You can play if you want, do the push/pull thing for awhile.

Mine, afterwards said if only I stayed away she would have come back by herself. Rationally speaking I don't buy it, but I guess that's what she really believed (a year later that is).

I played this game. For example, the people she worked with gave her a weekend away when she was still 'in doubt'. She went to a motel, txted me she felt bad and wanted to even hurt herself (wich she never did in her life btw).
I would jump in my car immediately, drive 300 miles to get to her. We would have a nice remainder of the day, walk in the park, some talk, diner, whirlpool and ofcourse sex.

I knew the other guy would come the next day, after I would have gone home. She told me she would break it off with him.
I would go, and txt this guy that I hoped he enjoyed the bed, since the uhm... well my remainders of the intercourse were still there.

After the weekend, sunday evening she would contact me. Ofcourse she didn't break it off, because he was crying and whatnot.

Well in short, I kept playing this game for about 3 months, maybe 4. Basicly he played the smart card, getting on the good side of her parents. I could already no longer do that since she painted me black there. So her parents said if she ever went back to me they wouldn't talk to her anymore.
If I remember correctly, that's why I gave up.

So how this plays out for you depends on how far you are willing to go. It would involve for example sometimes saying you don't put up with it, or you don't want to see her ever again, wich can make her come to you. And sometimes just giving in. Having sex with her I just saw as a way to bind her to me, at that time. Since if there's one thing I'm confident about it's my ability regarding that

It's not for everyone this game, and I'm not proud of it looking back. Your mileage may vary....

Well ColdAlone.... I am in a similar boat as you. I don't know if you read some of the other post in this thread, in particular the ones from (Kizmet), but her opinion is that if this is a rebound, and it stands to reason that if she is trying to sleep with me it is a rebound, that if I as the dumper remain present and am sexual with her that this rebound relationship will choke and fail. Kizmet does say that sex binds them to you as well. Did this girl ever love you? Keep in mind that I never comitted to a relationship. What are your thoughts on that? What are the other factors involved given your experience. BTW all her friends and family hate me.. Never stopped her before, or even a little. In fact she made it a point to point point that out..... ColdAlone would you mind if I PM'd you?

October 21, 2013

Also ColdAlone, when you would txt this guy after the act, what happened? Did he ever confront her about who you were? Did you texting him make her stop contacting you? I am in a similar situation with the stunt I pulled and am wondering if it was the straw that broke the camels back.

She said if you had stayed away she would have come back. If she is the ONLY one initiating contact and invitation does that make any difference? I have not made any attempts to initiate contact with her since I walked away, only responded to her.

Can you give me your assessment of why she is trying to see and have sex with me when she has a new BF? What does it say about that relationship?

October 21, 2013

Well ColdAlone.... I am in a similar boat as you. I don't know if you read some of the other post in this thread, in particular the ones from (Kizmet), but her opinion is that if this is a rebound, and it stands to reason that if she is trying to sleep with me it is a rebound, that if I as the dumper remain present and am sexual with her that this rebound relationship will choke and fail. Kizmet does say that sex binds them to you as well. Did this girl ever love you? Keep in mind that I never comitted to a relationship. What are your thoughts on that? What are the other factors involved given your experience. BTW all her friends and family hate me.. Never stopped her before, or even a little. In fact she made it a point to point point that out..... ColdAlone would you mind if I PM'd you?

Ye, she was in love with me. We lived together for about 3 years. I would say have the sex, if anything it would show some form of commitment on your behalf.

Other factors are indeed her social circle. Your history together. If you can get into her head, really know her, you can 'use' that to your advantage. I pulled out everything, we had serious talks, crazy sex, did things we never did but she wanted to do together. Anything that will keep you in her mind.

You can PM me. Not sure if it will help you though

October 21, 2013

I tried to PM you but you must not have the option turned on in your settings. Can you maybe shoot me a quick one and I'll just respond. Otherwise it seems I can't send you one?

October 21, 2013

Is there even an option to send PM's on this site between users at all?

October 21, 2013

From the FAQ:

In an effort to prevent accounts being registered for the sole purpose of sending spam and as a way of clarifying the role of private messages on our site, we have elected to disable the use of private messages for members who have not established a presence on the site by participating in the public forums over an extended period of time. Access to the private messaging facilities of the site are determined based on the length of membership and the number of posts contributed to the public forums.

October 21, 2013

Ye, she was in love with me. We lived together for about 3 years. I would say have the sex, if anything it would show some form of commitment on your behalf.

Other factors are indeed her social circle. Your history together. If you can get into her head, really know her, you can 'use' that to your advantage. I pulled out everything, we had serious talks, crazy sex, did things we never did but she wanted to do together. Anything that will keep you in her mind.

You can PM me. Not sure if it will help you though

Well until we can figure this PM thing out let me just post some inquires to you in the thread.

Do you think that she was using you for sex to comfort herself during the transition into this new relationship or do you think she was genuinely trying to keep things going with you?

Do you think if her family hadn't interfered she would have cut the rebound guy off and gone back to you?

BTW, we're you the dumper or the Dumpee?

October 21, 2013

From the FAQ:

In an effort to prevent accounts being registered for the sole purpose of sending spam and as a way of clarifying the role of private messages on our site, we have elected to disable the use of private messages for members who have not established a presence on the site by participating in the public forums over an extended period of time. Access to the private messaging facilities of the site are determined based on the length of membership and the number of posts contributed to the public forums.

Clever bastards LoL. I can only ask but would you at all be cool if I emailed you? I can try to post my email here so you don't have to and then you can just send a message to me there. If not I understand, your help in this thread is greatly appreciated. I just don't want to lose you as a contact because of some ridiculous rule. Your call man let me know

October 21, 2013

Well until we can figure this PM thing out let me just post some inquires to you in the thread.

Do you think that she was using you for sex to comfort herself during the transition into this new relationship or do you think she was genuinely trying to keep things going with you?

Do you think if her family hadn't interfered she would have cut the rebound guy off and gone back to you?

BTW, we're you the dumper or the Dumpee?

No I don't think I was used. She was genuinely confused, but sure she liked the attention of 2 guys.

I'm sure that without her family she would have come back, yes.

I was the Dumpee.

October 21, 2013

Also ColdAlone, when you would txt this guy after the act, what happened? Did he ever confront her about who you were? Did you texting him make her stop contacting you? I am in a similar situation with the stunt I pulled and am wondering if it was the straw that broke the camels back.

She said if you had stayed away she would have come back. If she is the ONLY one initiating contact and invitation does that make any difference? I have not made any attempts to initiate contact with her since I walked away, only responded to her.

Can you give me your assessment of why she is trying to see and have sex with me when she has a new BF? What does it say about that relationship?

When I txted this guy he would either cry or have a rational discussion with her, after wich when she left him for the evening she would pass by me on her way home to tell me what he said... So through her it was me and him having a discussion I guess. Yeah, really messed up...

We both made contact. Either her with some excuse or even 'can we talk' or me as extreme as 'I'm done with you'. It's still contact

It might make a difference if only she does the contacting. I guess it's more about keeping you in the front of her mind than what you actually say.

If she wants sex with you, something is lacking with the BF. Or at least she might see it that way.

Do keep in mind that this is all about mindgames and control and such. For me it was 9 years ago, I wouldn't do it anymore.

And about the email : Sorry, no.

Edited October 21, 2013 by ColdAlone

October 21, 2013

No problem about the email. I completely understand. If you don't mind though I would like to keep this conversation going through this thread. I do had some follow up questions. Give me a few. This is some really relevant information for me.

October 21, 2013

Ok ColdAlone, let me ask you this. What do u think would have happened if you stuck around and didn't leave the situation? Do you think her relationship would have failed? Despite her families involvement do you think she would have ended that relationship?

October 21, 2013

When I txted this guy he would either cry or have a rational discussion with her, after wich when she left him for the evening she would pass by me on her way home to tell me what he said... So through her it was me and him having a discussion I guess. Yeah, really messed up...

We both made contact. Either her with some excuse or even 'can we talk' or me as extreme as 'I'm done with you'. It's still contact
It might make a difference if only she does the contacting. I guess it's more about keeping you in the front of her mind than what you actually say.

If she wants sex with you, something is lacking with the BF. Or at least she might see it that way.

Do keep in mind that this is all about mindgames and control and such. For me it was 9 years ago, I wouldn't do it anymore.

And about the email : Sorry, no.

Sorry to keep throwing these questions at you ColdAlone but you are the best source of experience I have come access.

When you sent those texts to your Ex's current BF and he confronted her (I agree messed up) did that ever upset her that you were doing that? Did she break contact with you after you would txt him for fear that you were trying to sabotage her relationship?

October 21, 2013

Sorry to keep throwing these questions at you ColdAlone but you are the best source of experience I have come access.

When you sent those texts to your Ex's current BF and he confronted her (I agree messed up) did that ever upset her that you were doing that? Did she break contact with you after you would txt him for fear that you were trying to sabotage her relationship?

No she didn't break contact, I guess she felt great having 2 guys fight over her. It didn't upset her at all, it showed my willingness to fight for her.

I truly think her families envolvement and the value she puts towards her family was the dealbreaker.

In hindsight, I surely am glad I didnt get stuck with her. She was just another (yes, another) sick puppy that I was trying to fix.

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