art_deco Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Tonight I finally felt I had to stand up for myself and it hurt. A lot. I had been dating a woman seriously for almost three years. We were both irresponsible and wound up parents of a lovely little boy who is now almost two. We have been living separately as she let her brother move his family into her home before we met. This usually meant I was splitting time between my home and hers as it was rare that she would come to mine. Our relationship had plenty of good times. We'd vacationed and traveled and tried new things together. We got along with each other's friends and families. Unfortunately we'd wind up fighting many times. I'd be naive to think many of our arguments weren't my fault. And there were plenty that were her's as well. The difference is that I would realize I made a mistake and apologize, however she was always unwilling. Over time I learned to just keep my mouth shut and stop trying to defend or explain myself because she'd get on a roll and just keep going, pushing and pushing me to the edge with more and more comments designed to hurt me as deeply as possible. My silence just seemed to push her further over the edge. Her constant refrain was that I was a wonderful person but needed to change who I am. I wasn't as bombastic as I should be when I come through the door and greet her brothers. I didn't walk around town with a beaming smile like Tony Robbins. I needed to force myself to enjoy things I didn't just to "fit in". Last night I came over and met everyone individually with a polite "hello" and a smile. She seemed upset and I asked if she was ok. She insisted she was fine and I asked if there was something I could do for her. Her brother snapped at me to "talk peacefully" and back off. I was shocked and stood in silence as the family chattered about me being rude and ungrateful. We went to her bedroom and she began to tear into me for being rude, having a "negative tone" and disrespecting her family for not sounding even more excited when I said hello. She kept going and going about me needed to change and stop being so "reserved" and treating people better. I left to apologize to her brother and he said I needed to drop the sarcasm and walked off. After this I just played with my son until he fell asleep, then I lay on the floor of the bedroom and fell asleep. Today she asked me--as if nothing happened--if I could take her out to run errands while her car was in the shop. I agreed and didn't say much of anything throughout the day. When we returned home she tried to hug and cuddle me and I asked why, saying I didn't feel like being cuddly or intimate with her because she never apologized for anything that happened last night. She started screaming about not owning me anything because I didn't change. She said I came over last night with a bad attitude and took it out on everyone and ruined her night and I didn't treat her family with any respect. She said I'm ridiculous if I think she should accept me for who I am. After listening to this for several minutes I waited for a pause and said, as calmly as I could "We keep fighting about the same things. Maybe we just aren't meant for each other." She was livid, yelled at me that it's doubtful I could find someone who will tolerate me, and stormed off. I gathered my things and left. Admittedly, I'm hurting right now but not so much for myself but for my son. I really don't want him to be thrust into a situation like this. I really wish that things between the two of us could have worked out. I just don't really think there's any chance they ever could. Thank you for taking the time to read this and thanks in advance for your replies. I'm really not sure how to process all this.
Grumpybutfun Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 You process this as someone who is in a relationship with a woman who wants you to reform into something that will impress and please her family. You did the right thing by leaving, and you can be grateful you did not marry her. there is something so condescending in how you say she interacted with you. Her family should not have any say or any right in your relationship. Just keep relations pleasant so you can keep seeing your son and try to get joint custody as soon as possible. She was intolerable for any person... man or woman wouldn't put up with that situation. You do not need to jump through hoops for her controlling behavior any longer. Good luck, Grumps
AnyaNova Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 You did the right thing. It really sounds like she had taken the Pygmalian project to an abusive degree. I would guess that you tend to be a low key introvert and it sounds like she expected you to be a high key extrovert. But screaming at you when you have been polite and nice to the best of your ability is abusive, in my book, and really makes me think she has a terribly distorted view of reality. It sounds like everyone in their world were supposed to act like cheesy fake carbon copies of each other. I am sorry. You did the right thing though. I think you want you and your son to have the ability to be real.
Author art_deco Posted October 20, 2013 Author Posted October 20, 2013 Thank you both for your replies and your support. I guess I could say I'm something of an introvert. I'm a very confident, outgoing person who has conversations easily. I just don't feel the need to greet everyone with a huge, fake smile and aggressive handshake followed by twenty questions. I get along well enough with her family although we really are different people. Her brother is obsessed with owning the newest smartphones and Nikes and watches hours of "American Pickers" and "Storage Wars" and I'm just not interested in any of those things. I've gone out of my way to sit down and talk to and get to know both of her brothers. They've both decided I'm not that much fun of a person to hang around with so why should I try so hard to impress them? She, however, doesn't see it that way. She sees it that I'm just not trying hard enough on a regular basis to endear myself to them.
crederer Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Yeesh....is it possible that you do act this way without realizing it? I dunno man, this sounds really messed up and doomed for failure. I had an ex act similarly but her parents and family loved me but she was hellbent on convincing them I was an ass. It sounds like a bad situation.
HorseLuck Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Based on your two post it sounds like you did the right thing dumping her. Has she always acted this way when you've been around her family, making you out to be in the wrong? I'm sorry her family ganged up on you like that and made you feel uncomfortable.. it does sound like you've tried to engage with her family. There's not much more you can do after that. I'm like you and was dating someone with a very extroverted family. I can relate. She sounds passive aggressive.
Author art_deco Posted May 13, 2014 Author Posted May 13, 2014 Based on your two post it sounds like you did the right thing dumping her. Has she always acted this way when you've been around her family, making you out to be in the wrong? Yes. She puts her family above me in every situation and never questions anything they say about anything. She doubts everything I say no matter the topic. When I told her she needed an extra HDMI cable to hook up her cable box and Blu-Ray player she called her brother because I couldn't possibly know what I was talking about. She was always telling me to change. It seems she made up her mind about me a long time ago and nothing was going to change that.
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