mendsley Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Good day everyone, so my girlfriend of two and half years and I split last weekend, her decision, and it's been a bumpy emotional road for me. I'm going to spare you all the particulars of what I believe lead to the break-up. About five years ago I had a REALLY emotional divorce which helped me learn a little about myself and also helped me learn what to expect for my current drama. I have read/watched tons of information on how to deal with a break-up and I understand NC is imperative for me to stay sane during this tough time. But, my problem is I don't have anyone to talk with and I feel I didn't get the chance to tell her what's in my heart. My family is a long story and friends are some what arrogant when it comes to making the right decisions about love. So lucky you guys, I want to open up here Like I mentioned, we split last week and I have not broken NC, but the last three days I've had this strong urge to write a letter and explain my side to this three sided drama (we all know there's three sides to all stories.) But, all of you would agree that it would set me back and there is a part of me that would be torn apart if she didn't respond. We have fought on and off through out our relationship, but nothing more than any relationship. I felt in my heart she was a loyal loving person and we had a bright future together. She grew up in a religious environment and I grew up on the streets, but the two opposites clicked. I loved her tremendously and I know she loved me too. Looking back on our relationship I think I have a good understand of the errors I've made, I'm not sure if she is reflecting on herself, but my focus is on me right now. I'm pretty sure if we sat down and created a list of what the issues where, I would be spot-on. It amazes me how clear some things are when you have a traumatic experience. My current state of mind is I'm all over the stages of grief. I'm a single parent so I need to make sure my son does not feel the brunt of my problems, but it's very difficult to act like nothing is wrong with me. My son is one of the issues she had with our relationship, she told one of her friends that she felt like his maid. Anyways, I want to contact her and try to explain things, but I also feel I need to move past this chapter in my life. She had personality traits that bugged me, but one thing I've learned in life is to NOT put a flawless expectation on anyone. It's not fair to them and unrealistic. So I dealt with the few flaws she had... none where a deal breaker. Towards the end of the relationship she was doing a few things that rose red flags; texting a guy "friend" which she knew made me uncomfortable, she lied to me about going shopping with one of her friends so she could hit up October Fest and she just seems really confused on why she wanted to end this relationship. All of this make me want to move on, but there is something holding me back. I'm usually a very strong minded individual, but this has really put me in a place. I know a lot of this is a rambling rant, but I need to get stuff out of my head. Please bear with me and let me know what you think? Should I write this "last" letter to explain my feeling since I feel I didn't get a chance? Also, how do I end this perpetual thought of patience will bring her back to me? Thanks guys
Jake2014 Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Sorry to hear mate, going through same thing myself. I'm actually wondering if I should write a letter too as I have learned a lot in the last few weeks. Amazing how I couldn't see it when I needed to! I want to write one to explain things and apologize for all I did wrong. I can't apologise for her but I feel it would give me peace if I did
forgetmenot75 Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Hey there, I'm really sorry she broke up with you. Please, don't write her a letter. Respect she wanted the breakup, and move on. She doesn't want any explanation from you. What she knows, its enough for her and at this point nothing you'll say will make her change her feelings. Just give her space, accept her decision, and continue with your life. You've had this painful divorce before, so you know what you need to do to start feeling ok.
JDPT Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Time to be extra strong specially for your son. You have a strong foundation as to what it is you need to do, but we are all human and endure the excruciating pain that a break up, specially being dumped brings upon. Don't write the letter and do this for yourself. If you analyze, what is it that you need to apologize and explain? Things played out the way they did for a reason. It's time to come to terms with this on your own and start working on recovery. Remain strong my friend we are all on the same boat.
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Mendsley, You sound very mature and logical despite being in pain. To answer your questions: 1. Writing out feelings - great! sending to her - Terrible. We all want to be "heard" by the other who hurt us, but that is probably unrealistic at this time. SHE cannot give you the closure you seek, because you are confused as she is. Time will give you that. You have to stop seeking her to be your comfort and answer giver. You have to learn to be still within the pain. 2. How to get rid of the thought police in your head wanting her to come back? Stop resisting it. We ALL have those thoughts. They come, they're normal in times of grief. The solution for me? remove every aspect of him (her) from my life. All social media and cell phones are blocked. All photos, momentos - gone. You can give to a friend to hold if you like, just get it ALL out. Next, get busy. Gym, friends, activities with your son and family. When I got busy, I got better. Expect the grief process, dont fight it, its natural and part of the process, it WILL get better. xo
Author mendsley Posted October 20, 2013 Author Posted October 20, 2013 (edited) The last few days I've been formulating all my thoughts into something I could win her heart back with. I honesty thought her leaving me was just on the spur of the moment thing and we could reconcile. So I called her poured my heart out and told her I think we could reconcile the mistake we've made. During the week apart I honestly can say I recognize the mistakes I've made and would like to talk about it. After I poured my heart out she started to cry and said she did love me and was happy I told her this. I ended the conversation saying that I was only interested in a slow reconciliation while putting my emotions aside and give her the space she requested. I told her I would not try to reconcile if she had a desire to meet/date for the obvious reasons. Before we hung up she invited me to go on a hike with her and her kids which I thought was nice and I accepted... I was high in the moment. Well after about an hour I still felt high and sent her a text saying I loved hearing her voice and was excited to see her and her kids. She responded by saying she couldn't promise me anything, but she wasn't sure what she wants in a relationship and she needed to find out on her own. I was TOTALLY confused with that text. I responded by saying I will sacrifice my emotions and give her some time to deal with things as long as there were no guys involved. She didn't respond. I was torn apart, confused, and didn't know what to think. I gave it the day thinking about this hike and decided to not go. I called her and told her emotionally I don't think the hike was a good idea for me. I know I would of been awkward and trying to figure what I can say to get my way which is unfair. I feel selfish and should of respected her wishes. I ended the call by thanking her for the invite and wished her and her kids a fun time. After I told her I would wait, I realized all I did was just offer myself as a backup plan for what ever she was up to. I feel angry at myself for saying such a thing. I feel like a punk! I'm 36 years old, MMA fighter, grew up on the streets, hit the gym 4 times a week and usually don't give a ***** if someone kicks me to the curb since I get looks all the time and never had issues finding a woman. But, I really do love this woman and cannot figure out a way to accept she wants to move on without me. Maybe it's my ego, I don't know. But we had a future planned out which I thought we both were excited about. The last thing I cannot get out of my mind is I keep wishing she will start realizing how much she is throwing away and how good of a man I am. The grass is not greener! I understand none of you know the particulars of why we split and I would be glad to elaborate, but the past is the past and there was no abuse, infidelity or trust issues so I want to focus on the present. She just got bored with the relationship and wanted to "experience life" without dealing with a relationship. I have panic attack disorder and GAD, so I have meds that help suppress my moods, but I promised myself I would not suppress my feelings during this break up so I can heal properly. But, today I was so emotional, confused and mind f#$&ed I took a Xanax which leveled my emotions. I feel guilty for taking Xanax, but I didn't know how else to get rid of the pain, but it did help immensely. I really hate this part of the human experience, but I guess it just shows your alive Edited October 20, 2013 by mendsley
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Your ex sounds similar to mine. There are definately people out there who get bored in the relationship. They think there is someone else out there they will be happier with and decide its not working anymore. It's not very nice I know and I have been in the same situation. But it has been several months now and I am really feeling a lot better and starting to move on. I just think what an arsehole. Go out and try to find someone who you are happier with, cos you know what, they wont. Sure they might meet someone and be happy for a little while during that initial honeymoon phase. But that will wear off and then they will do the same thing to the next one - get bored and ditch them. I have a theory that in the end they will just settle for someone and be forever dissatisfied with the person they end up with. Time will tell I guess. I really think i am better off. I dont want to waste my time with someone who will come home one day and just end it cos they are bored. Relationships can be boring sometimes. It's not all excitement and fun. Anyone who has had a real relationship would know that.
h0000 Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 ditto. My ex says he gets bored in relationships. But instead of thinking someone else can make him happier, he says he is just not relationship materiel and he gets bored in every relationship and he says he's happy just be single..
JDPT Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 She is clearly no longer in it with no way of her coming back. Easier said than done, but you may just need to write this one off and take is as a learnig experience. Life is a journey and understand that her chapter in YOUR book is now over. I've been feeling weak lately as well. Having crazy thoughts of contacting her. Reality is that there is nothing to rekindle it has all been said and done long ago. It's time to be selfish and start moving forward. Your recovery is the only thing that matters from this point forward.
Never Again Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 ditto. My ex says he gets bored in relationships. But instead of thinking someone else can make him happier, he says he is just not relationship materiel and he gets bored in every relationship and he says he's happy just be single.. "Serial monogamy" is today's black plague, apparently.
h0000 Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 "Serial monogamy" is today's black plague, apparently. he used to have two women at the same time. I blame those stupid women
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