mms171 Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 I'm a girl and I'm 19. I'll try to summarize the situation as effectively as I can. I'd really appreciate any thoughts on the matter, and also this is my first post. I turned to this site because I really don't know what to do anymore A little over a year ago I discovered I was attracted to my best friend, it hit me like a truck and I didn't know what to do about it. So I told her and low and behold, she felt the same way. We got curious and so we decided to explore. Turns out we liked it. It was all very new and exciting. I had a boyfriend and so did she. Note, this is the only girl I've been attracted to and similarly for her. I categorize myself as straight (because I'm still attracted to guys) with one, amazing exception. Then I realized I was in love with her. And as we clumsily confessed these feelings to each other, we realized it was more than a curiosity thing. Soon jealousy started creeping up on us, and we both couldn't stand that the other was involved with someone else. The year passed with good times and bad times, moments of tension and fighting, making up, stolen kisses at parties and holding hands in the darkness of a movie theater (really fast-forwarding here). Then we both became single in the spring. I wanted to be with her, not "come out" to our parents or anything...I was only ready for a private commitment. Unfortunately this was not reciprocated. We'd established that we'd keep this up but to always be open to the possibility of a guy in the picture. We started showing affection in public, a big step for us. Holding hands, quick pecks, what any normal guy-girl couple would do. Then she started talking to/seeing her ex-boyfriend again and it broke my heart. This, of course, caused a lot of tension and fighting. Long story short this blew up in our faces, and now we decided to "end things". Presently, we're both in bits over losing the "relationship" part of us. Now, she's telling me how hurt and how much pain she's in over everything. Through it all she said she had feelings for two people at the same time (her ex really did a number on her) but now it seems like he doesn't even exist (they stopped talking again). Essentially, contradicting everything about her not wanting even a private relationship...she's ashamed of her feelings (we talked about this). And I don't know what to make of it all. I'm so emotionally raw from hearing she doesn't want to be with me, and having had to share her. Being pulled in then pushed away. We're in this state of nothingness where we're both torn up over losing the other "this way". All I need now is for her to tell me she wants to be with me. Or that she doesn't. Either or would kill me. Because why be so torn up about something you never fully wanted? I do still care about her, and we are going to try and fix things...we're both willing. But in the meantime, all I'm left with is sadness. I don't know what to do...
btc8 Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 I think you fell harder for her than she fell for you. She may be less inclined to recognize her true sexual preference than you might be, and she may be a bit more scared at the notion of being with a woman than being with a man. What exactly do you hope to gain from this? A relationship with a woman? A relationship with your best friend? This may sound a bit harsh, but first I think you need to come to terms with your sexual identity and hers. 19 is the age when all of this about sexual identities come to the fore (speaking from experience).
Author mms171 Posted October 20, 2013 Author Posted October 20, 2013 I agree with what you said, she is less inclined to recognize certain things about herself. Although as discussions progress she's having these revelations. Maybe she's finally not repressing herself anymore? I'm not sure about the whole falling harder for her thing though. Of course, you only have snippets and haven't experienced it like I have. Just as an example she's the one who initiated the PDA. I hope to gain a fulfilling relationship with someone I love. I didn't fall in love with her, a girl I fell in love with her as a person. It doesn't feel like I'm transcending any boundaries, and I know that she has feelings for me too. I have kissed other girls and I really felt nothing. Kissing guys does something for me, and so does kissing her. Falling in love with her felt like an extension of our already natural closeness. I just don't know what to make of all the contradictions.
btc8 Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 I agree with what you said, she is less inclined to recognize certain things about herself. Although as discussions progress she's having these revelations. Maybe she's finally not repressing herself anymore? I'm not sure about the whole falling harder for her thing though. Of course, you only have snippets and haven't experienced it like I have. Just as an example she's the one who initiated the PDA. I hope to gain a fulfilling relationship with someone I love. I didn't fall in love with her, a girl I fell in love with her as a person. It doesn't feel like I'm transcending any boundaries, and I know that she has feelings for me too. I have kissed other girls and I really felt nothing. Kissing guys does something for me, and so does kissing her. Falling in love with her felt like an extension of our already natural closeness. I just don't know what to make of all the contradictions. Well, it could be the fact that both of you mentioned that there might always be the possibility of a guy in the future (that would come between you two). She may have entertained this possibility more than you did. To be totally honest, I think you both are confused about what you really want. Her more so than you, and until she knows truly what she wants, her actions will continue to contradict her words.
Author mms171 Posted October 20, 2013 Author Posted October 20, 2013 I still entertain the possibility, I always have. But I was willing to put it on hold to simply try her and I out. Yes well as for the guy coming between us...we were not ready to commit to each other for a long time. I certainly wasn't. She also mentioned that she doesn't know how she's going to revert back to being "just my friend" or see me as just a friend. And that she's completely heartbroken, misses me and us. Yes you're 100% right. We are confused. Do you understand how heartbreaking this situation is? It's horrible. I hate it.
btc8 Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 I stand by my first point as you both being confused. I have to admit that I am quite confused too. She says she misses you and her. In what context is this? As friends, or as more than friends? I don't quite get if both of you have feelings for each other why you can't just be together. Either one of you is too ambivalent to admit that you aren't romantically inclined for each other, or the other is into the possibility of a relationship more than the other.
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