New here - a fresh perspective

[Movingalong]

Hi there, I'm absolutely new to this community, so I apologize if this isn't the way it goes. I'm basically looking for outside opinions and perhaps advice.

 

I was with my ex for 14 months. He dumped me 3.5 months ago. I am back to my old self somewhat in that I was an anxious depressed mess for the first two months. Only recently has my anger finally diminished. It has been one heck of a ride.

 

I guess what bothers me now is whether or not I went crazy and appear crazy to my ex. My guess is that yes - I do appear as such. Since the break up he has told me "you have issues". The break up was messy...it happened a few days after a bad sexual scene. He has a "back door" fetish which I really don't enjoy. It had been going on for about 8 months and I complained constantly that I didn't like it. I did it to make him happy, however, it did cause me physical pain many times. He knew this. On one occasion he brought me flowers because he felt badly for hurting me. On that particular night I started yelling at him that I was sick of it. I actually yelled things like "eff you" and "I don't want your baby. You think I want your baby?". I collapsed on the bathroom floor in tears. He tried to console me but I was inconsolable. I was so angry and disappointed with him and felt sick at the idea of him touching me. He left in the morning while I was asleep and two days later texted me that it wasn't working out anymore. He refused to meet up with me.

 

This guy was the second person I've ever been in love with. We travelled together and lived together for a few months. We spent every night together. I was in heaven when I was with him. We could take 14 hour flights together and be completely content and entertained in each others' company. He spoiled me with gifts, and was very cute with me. When we first started dating he told me he saw a future with me and was ready to settle down. I truly believed he loved me. He told me he'd never felt like this with anyone before.

 

The problems in the relationship were as follows: he had a sexual fetish I disliked in addition to the fact that he was afraid of pregnancy so would not "finish" inside of me....ever. ever. This bothered me quite a bit. He also hesitated to introduce me to his parents and friends in a town about 2 hours away and finally did 2 weeks before we broke up. I was suspicious of him and checked his phone frequently. Whenever I found evidence I confronted him on it. He was annoyed with this and thought we had a trust issue. I broke up with him once because he went away for the xmas holidays to go home and never consulted me as to what my plans were for the holidays. He is a business owner and only had those two weeks off in the entire year, so I was upset that he hadn't consulted me on my plans. I was a complete afterthought it seemed.

 

Anyhow, I accepted the break up civilly but did ask him to consider it for a few weeks before calling it quits for good. His mind was made up. He said he had put much thought into it (even though a week beforehand he insisted I go to meet his family and friends in the adjacent town where his best friend spent the evening trying to convince me how much he cares about me). I sent him an angry message about a week later saying all kinds of insults about how he was a pig over the sexual fetish. About three weeks later, I realized he had my favourite pillow and asked a friend to pick it up for me. She then let me know he had other possessions of mine, but he didn't hand them over. A few weeks later I emailed him asking for my things back and asked why he didn't just send them with the pillow. He said he hoped we could be friends or friendly and I said no thanks. He emailed a bit more saying how much he missed me and how sorry he was and I just deflected all the sweet nothings saying it wasn't what he said when he broke up with me. He said things like "we don't say things we mean when we're upset and angry". and "i have to accept the consequences of my actions now" and "i care very deeply for you". He finally dropped off the items two months later at my apartment with the concierge without seeing me. I sent him many angry emails since then. I don't know what possessed me but i just found it so inconsolable that when I broke over the sexual fetish that I didn't enjoy, he just ended it by text! I was so angry. I was angrier still that he didn't contact me even though he kept saying he cared deeply about me and despite all the insults he would "still do anything for me". He kept saying he was mourning the relationship and was not going to move on for a long time. He even told me he had started taking up my sport - a sport I played 4 nights a week but he refused to play with me because he was afraid of injuring himself. I found this a little upsetting.

 

Finally, i saw him out last weekend and i was with a big guy friend he'd never met. i'm sure he thought we were together as we were dancing and having a great time together. My ex looked over for about 15 minutes and then left upset. He never said hello. I emailed him a few days later saying I saw him and asking why he didn't say hello. He pretended he never saw me. We got to arguing about the relationship some more and at some point I lost my cool and told him it was sexually abusive of him not to consider that I didn't like his fetish. I took it too far. i sent him articles about the definition of sexual abuse. This time, I never heard back from him.

 

I am in pain....perhaps it is my ego, perhaps I truly believe I want to be with him, perhaps it is that I feel ridiculous and out of control in my behaviour towards him. I just feel like all of my relationships go down in extreme flames. I really thought I loved him and was dumped and behaved sort of outrageously. The more outrageous part is that I feel like he was my dream guy so why did I tell him off so many times?? Why did he have his friends convincing me how much he cares about me only to break up with me a week later? Was it shame? Did he think I was going to break up with him? Did he just recognize how unhealthy it was?

 

I know nobody has the answers. I just really wish I knew how to have a little more self-respect. I'm almost 30. I've had various failed relationships. I feel hopeless really

[ponchsox]

So let me get this straight. He broke up with you because you did not enjoy anal sex? That seems pretty shallow to me. He didn't respect you, bottom line. He put his own self and fetish first and didn't respect you. Sex should be enjoyable for both in a relationship. Part of that is learning what turns each other and what they don't like. After you told him you didn't want to engage in it, he should have stopped, period. Keep your head up, you are worth MUCH more than that. You need to find a man who loves you, not a man who pleases his perversions.

[Movingalong]

Thanks very much for the response!

 

I suppose that had something to do with it. It was never entirely clear to me exactly why he broke up. He said it was due to "our problems". He is a very well-educated man....a doctor and has recently started making quite a bit of money. I wonder if it is not that he is slightly narcissistic and perhaps thinks the grass is greener and he can find someone to cater to all of his desires. He's only ever been with one other woman though and never engaged in this fetish so I have a hard time understanding. I had thought a few times he was perhaps gay. In any case, you're right - it's very hard on the self-worth to think someone doesn't want you over anal sex....or you being upset over anal sex.

[Grumpybutfun]

Movingalone:

You have given even me a clear view on why he broke up with you. You were insecure and jealous and acted like he was a cheater even without any former evidence to the contrary. When you mention evidence, you do not state what it was so I assume it was just a friend or something platonic?Instead of just refusing to do "back door" action, you got angry and resentful of him when you did it. No woman has to do anything she doesn't want to do and if he coerced you, it was your own fault for not gathering your things and walking away. You aren't a child, you are an almost 30 year old woman. Also, it isn't a perversion, it is just another action in which you two should have sat down and discussed and came up with a clear plan on instead of blowing up and flailing around on the bathroom floor. (This makes me wonder if you were triggered by sexual abuse since it is so over the top.) Speaking of which, you accuse him of sex abuse which is a slap in the face to every woman, man and child who has ever been abused. Do not throw around terms like this because you are angry because it makes you seem vindictive and crazy.

Also, you micromanaged where he went on vacation, was angry with him for wanting to spend time with his family...sounds like a control issue once again. Men do not like to be treated like they are your appendages. We actually like to do some things on our own. Without careful negotiations on holiday time, you missed the mark by becoming resentful and angry.

Did you ever consider not "finishing" inside of you was him being responsible because birth control methods are not 100% effective? Are you disappointed that you didn't get with child? Did you just nag and complain about that too because you wanted to control what he did during sex because you are resentful about his love for anal sex? Punishment?

So let me reiterate....he broke up with you due to:

 

1. insecurity

2. accusations of infidelity

3. no boundaries on sex acts or discussions only resentment

4. did sex act but then nagged and complained and accused him of sexual abuse

5. nagged some more about where he spent his time

6. You think he is gay for an act that many heterosexual couples engage in. Anal sex is not a gay sex act, but a universal one. You don't have to do it but don't complain or accuse them of SA or perversion when they do.

7. overreacted to almost everything he did

8. You are self-absorbed or you wouldn't think that he doesn't want you due to anal sex.

 

He doesn't want you because you are a drama queen and at some point even a man who loves you has to wonder if this drama/ micromanaging and constant displeasure at what he does in bed is worth it for the rest of his life. In my opinion, it isn't. Instead of working with him to find mutual satisfaction in the bedroom, you had a meltdown and threw a tantrum.

Not many men will put up with micromanaging, nagging and assassinations of character. Drama Queens are a dime a dozen, and you acted like one. Learn from this and do not do it with your next relationship.

Luck,

Grumps

Edited October 20, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[Movingalong]

Appreciate the insights grumps.

I can appreciate that I behaved insecurely by checking his phone. The reason I originally did it was because he had told a friend who told a friend that I was "socially awkward" after meeting some of his friends. I then checked his phone and found him messaging an attractive woman saying that he did not have a girlfriend. I later found out (8 months later when things blew up) that this woman was a relative of his. However, I still found it hard to understand why someone would lie about having a girlfriend. Anyhow, the checking became compulsive.

I suppose I did overreact quite a bit. I'm fairly emotional, anxious, and get panicky very easily. I'm beginning to wonder if in fact I have borderline personality disorder. I have been seeing a therapist for some time now and she never thought that I had this until recently, after this break up. I accept responsibility for my actions but I do think there is some kind of emotional dysregulation going on. I actually fear getting into relationships due to this.

I really disliked anal sex and told him it many times. I would have rather have no sex at all than anal sex. Perhaps I didn't do enough to enforce the boundary but I was crazy about this man and wanted to keep the relationship.

I feel very pained thinking that you may be right and that I ruined a relationship and hurt someone I care deeply about. i can't even decide how I feel about him. Borderline characteristic. I suppose that's why I posted...to get another objective opinion apart from a therapist I pay and friends that will take my side.

I feel quite badly.

[Movingalong]

There is one more element to the relationship...

 

He belittled me publicly. That is why I clammed up around his friends...i could not believe how he was behaving in public. He would tell others he doesn't intent to marry (not what he would say in private). He also used to sing a little song like "butt sex, butt sex" or "i don't want a relationship, i just want to bang!" in public with his friends. When people would ask about potential children he would say "with her? abort!". He said these were all jokes but I suppose I was just sensitive to this type of joke. They only came out around others. I found it very humiliating.

[Movingalong]

actually, there is quite a bit more to the story...

 

He did directly say to me that if I didn't want anal sex, i should find another boyfriend. He would buy concert tickets and then tell me that i earned it for giving him the anal sex that day.

 

He talked about "my future boyfriend" rather often.

 

He also would joke about finding a wife when he would go to conferences. When i said it upset me, he would apologize and say he's joking.

 

I also saw in his text messages to a female family member how he would talk about getting a nicer car, or jewelry to "pick up pussy". I felt I was getting the run around and not being treated seriously. I suppose that alone was reason to leave. He just didn't want me. Someone will appreciate me.

[Criticality]

It's usually a good idea that sexual partners match each other. That a guy who likes anal sex is with a girl who's at least open to the idea.

 

But its not a either-or question, and of plenty of relationships can get by without both partners being 100% sexually compatible.

 

Having said that, your behavior both during the relationship, and especially after was badly marked by your own insecurities and plain awful at times.

 

He was singing some song about just wanting to bang? And? Perhaps he was singing it cause its a catchy song, or he and his friends consider it "their song"?

 

Saying to a relative that he's single? Could it be that he know that this relative is a big time ****-stirrer, and he doesn't want her telling everyone about his business?

 

You seem to think that he broke up with you primarily because of some fault of his.

This, and your inability to just let go, and break up in a mature way, like people do when they've reached the end of the road, but don't have any reason to hate each other indicates that you have a long way to go in terms of working on yourself, and your self esteem.

 

You seem to be acknowledging your own part in the breakup and dis functionality of the relationship, which is an encouraging sign, and a sign of progress. Good luck.

[Movingalong]

I definitely made my mistakes.

 

I'd like to clarify that for the anal sex...he didn't use lube and would insist upon it every single time we were in bed towards the end. I would always push him off and say "no not today" and he would just pause, look me deeply in the eyes and proceed. Of course I didn't struggle or forcibly stop him, but it was clear that I didn't enjoy it and this was of little concern to him. Doing that 5 times a week eventually does hurt very much. I had started to lose control over things below and I conveyed this to him, which didn't seem to concern him. Sexual abuse can be pressuring someone into doing something they don't want to do sexually. I believe this was the case. He did not bother using lube because when I saw it coming out, I would put my foot down and say no. Instead, he tried to sneak inside. The first time he did it too was while I was drunk, because prior to that I had set it as a hard limit that this was something I was not interested in.

 

Sexually I'm very glad to be out of that relationship. It is really too bad, because he had fallen in love with me before we ever did that and it was the first time for him.

 

I'm not sure how I'm trying to pin the break up solely on him. I'm accepting my blame in this. I do think breaking up with someone by text message after over a year together and living together is unacceptable. And I don't think it's self-absorbed to think he would break up with me over anal sex, as mentioned above. Sexual incompatibility is a real thing. For him to come after sex while touching himself, he had to be touching my anus with his hand....every time. It was an act that I grew to really dislike.

 

I am trying to understand how I could have better handled the situation but I believe it's very difficult to communicate the level of detail that is required to get a full picture. I do believe that insecurity and lack of trust were my part of the problem. Perhaps I nagged...but for valid reasons - I didn't like anal sex. It hurt my body!...no lube and 5 days a week.

[flight E]

U are worth more than all that ****. If you don't lik anal sex, a gud boyfriend would comfort you for tryin to please him and will pamper you. After a while your love will grow to the extent that you body will adjust and you will enjoy it. Checking fones is almost standard girlie behaviour. Infact some guys see it as a sign that you care enuf to bother. I can't see how you did anything wrong and am a man. Pls leave that guy. He is bad business. U not a porn star, he should turn you to one