Men: Is it wise to date someone who makes you wait?

[William]

Let's move on from cross-talk and back to the topic of whether or not it's wise for a man to date someone who makes him wait.

[todreaminblue]

Whaaaat? I dated a guy for about 10 months. We didn't have sex the first 2 or 3 months. I didnt have nor did I want anything on the side.

 

I dont need sex. I cant go without it. So can plenty of women.

 

true...even when you really really want to the idea fo having sex and it being a quick fix.....well...for me doesnt fix crap.......would only make me feel like crap ....so i really actually pity the guy who is going to be with me eventually dont think he will be complaining however.. and for me it will be worth the wait.....deb

[hotpotato]

Men also don't like women who hate men. So good luck with that.

 

I dont hate them, I just dont romanticize them like so many women do.

[Kofybean]

Thanks for your answer

 

Did I say the question was invalid? No. And maybe you thought I was trying to "deflect" the question, but I wasn't. I was sharing my personal experience with the matter. That's what I do on here. I'm not one of the many posters that just throw around internet conjecture based on some blog or some other shiet that they read.

 

My advice to you is, if the girl is making you wait because she just isn't that attracted to you, or she is trying to manipulate you somehow, don't stick around. Because that sounds miserable to me.

[Kofybean]

...

Trust me, I know men want sex. But there are other things that go into a relationship, like getting to know each other and not rushing things...

 

It seem to me very safe to conclude that the length of time one waits for sex, has no bearing on the success of the relationship.

 

The more people who pitch in the wider the spread of relationship failures from varying lengths of time of waiting. There doesn't seem to be a correlation.

 

Therefore, if it is ltr success you are arguing, the dependency isn't on a calendar.

[hotpotato]

So in summary.

Your one off experiences = the way things are the world over.

Except, when you contradict yourself and say men do wait for sex with women they feel the woman is of high quality.

 

Lolz. I have plenty of experience dating men. By no means is anything I said based on dealing with one or even a handful of men. I used to date tons in my younger days.

 

Ill even agree that sex on the first date can lead to a relationship. But does usually? Nope, and its unwise for anyone especially a woman who is looking for a relationship to believe it does. Men who push for sex early are usually after bragging rights and not serious. In short, its a waste of time dealing with them.

 

Yes, I am saying if a man values a woman, he will wait. A woman can name herself higher value (ie not being a slut in mens eyes) by waiting.

 

But back on top. Theres nothing wrong with a man dating a woman who wants to wait. Waiting can be very beneficial.

[hotpotato]

It seem to me very safe to conclude that the length of time one waits for sex, has no bearing on the success of the relationship.

 

The more people who pitch in the wider the spread of relationship failures from varying lengths of time of waiting. There doesn't seem to be a correlation.

 

Therefore, if it is ltr success you are arguing, the dependency isn't on a calendar.

 

In my experience the relationships in which sex was postponed were better quality. The guy I had sex with on the first night, the relatioship was stable but chaotic. Ive seen similar things with other girls.

 

Maybe its time for a study! Theres gotta be one somewhere.

[Phoe]

I don't think it's unwise to wait a reasonable amount of time.

 

Like previously mentioned, 6 weeks is the shortest amount of time a man has waited for me

 

 

I have NEVER had an issue with it. Never had a man start pressuring, get upset, or take off. They all respected my desire to just take my time, and were pleasantly surprised to eventually find that I had a high sex drive and enjoy having sex frequently.

 

 

Any guy who lets me take my time and get comfortable will not be disappointed that he was patient.

[hotpotato]

Men also don't like women who hate men. So good luck with that.

 

Btw, the two guys I dated have been pleased with me. The ex has been trying to get back with me for years. The last one said I was gorgeous, kind, in fact the nicest girl he had ever dated. I could go on. I tend to make men very happy when we are together for the most part.

 

Sounds like you made an assumption from a couple of posts but were very wrong. Nice try though.

[Casshern]

What about waiting for her to feel comfortable? And a year goes by with little change...

[salparadise]

Oh, it's definitely true. The faster they push the worse it is. They dont want to give the woman time to think because she might say no. Btdt. But I wouldn't deal with it nowadays. I'd just give him my half for the date and move on.

 

Generalities do hold water. They may not be true every single time, but there is usually a reason why they exist.

Like others have said, women can't win at this.

 

Trust me, I know men want sex. But there are other things that go into a relationship, like getting to know each other and not rushing things.

 

Still not reading what I wrote.

I just said---->Whaaaat? I dated a guy for about 10 months. We didn't have sex the first 2 or 3 months. I didnt have nor did I want anything on the side.

Obviously, I can meet guys who dont want to hit it and quit it. The trick is not to give men who push for sex early on. Which is most men.

 

 

Eh, when you generalize about an entire gender, it undermines credibility. Nothing makes women angry any quicker than a man painting the entire gender with a broad brush––as if they're all the same and he's got them all figured out. Think about that for a minute.

 

Your philosophy of make'em wait as a matter of practice to see what they're made of probably does filter out the garden variety hit and quit guys. But that's not exactly a revelation... society has been promoting female virtue since the earliest recorded history. Some men manage to get laid anyway, even by virtuous society women!

 

Since you seem to place considerable emphasis on anecdotal evidence, here's one for you... I've dated a number of women over the past four years, since my divorce. Some are willing to have sex after a few dates, some will on the first date, some express the intention to wait. I even made one woman wait for weeks after she was wanting it! Some are [promiscuous] and some are not. But here's the surprise... having sex soon does not make her [promiscuous].

 

Of the several women I've dated, there has been one relationship that I'd call significant... deep affection, connection, attraction, honorable dealings and intentions on both sides, highly compatible on many levels. She was/is devoutly religious (me not so much). She lives some distance away and it lasted about a year and a half. Well, we were naked, in bed, within about five hours of meeting face to face for the first time.

 

And you know what... she was the most virtuous of them all in my eyes! She raised the bar for all women. She taught me what real people are made of, made me feel a hundred percent certain of many things about myself, good women, and the nature of really good relationships. My problem now is that I can't seem to find anyone that come close to her kind of warmth, intelligence, openness, etc.

 

So I go on a lot of coffee dates and don't follow up on most because, well they just seem like garden variety females, nothing special. Some will make it a point to put me on notice that they expect to be courted for some length of time before sex. So when I don't call them back, what conclusion do you think they draw––that he was just after sex.

 

__________________

ON TOPIC COMMENT:

Is it wise to date someone who makes you wait? Eh, it just depends.

Edited October 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Els]

A long time is a time period he isn't comfortable with.

 

You are answering your own question already, no? Why do something you're not comfortable with? This goes for both 'too early' OR 'too late'. Obviously, if you don't desire to wait, don't. If you do, do.

[ConstantVoyager]

I have no hard and fast rules when it comes to how soon I'll have sex.

 

But, if it's been more than a month, I'm probably stalling because I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT whether I want to sleep with the guy yet or not.

 

It's not like I only go on first or third dates with guys I know I want to sleep with. I need some time to figure it out sometimes.

[Kate9292]

I made my current bf wait a few months and it was great decision. I could get to know him without all those emotions from sex clouding my mind. He didn't mind either and if he did, he never said it.

[hotpotato]

Eh, when you generalize about an entire gender, it undermines credibility. Nothing makes women angry any quicker than a man painting the entire gender with a broad brush––as if they're all the same and he's got them all figured out. Think about that for a minute.

My experience is similar to the experiences of many women.

So yes, there is a lot of truth in what I say. Men are pretty simple creatures and not difficult to understand. I actually spend a lot of time reading about and talking to men. What i say about men is very similar to what they say about themselves in private when women aren't listening.

 

Your philosophy of make'em wait as a matter of practice to see what they're made of probably does filter out the garden variety hit and quit guys. But that's not exactly a revelation... society has been promoting female virtue since the earliest recorded history. Some men manage to get laid anyway, even by virtuous society women!

Yes, I'm sure this is true, because some men even grown ones will feign interest for awhile. I've had it happen- guy said he was so in love with me yadda yadda yadda.

 

Since you seem to place considerable emphasis on anecdotal evidence, here's one for you... I've dated a number of women over the past four years, since my divorce. Some are willing to have sex after a few dates, some will on the first date, some express the intention to wait. I even made one woman wait for weeks after she was wanting it! Some are [promiscuous] and some are not. But here's the surprise... having sex soon does not make her [promiscuous].

 

Of the several women I've dated, there has been one relationship that I'd call significant... deep affection, connection, attraction, honorable dealings and intentions on both sides, highly compatible on many levels. She was/is devoutly religious (me not so much). She lives some distance away and it lasted about a year and a half. Well, we were naked, in bed, within about five hours of meeting face to face for the first time.

Totally missed my point. Its not about what I think is promiscuous (frankly, i dont care). However, most men do believe it's unattractive for a woman to be 'fast' even if he pressures for sex. If you are not like this, I also congratulate you, for being with the time.

 

 

"So I go on a lot of coffee dates and don't follow up on most because, well they just seem like garden variety females, nothing special. Some will make it a point to put me on notice that they expect to be courted for some length of time before sex. So when I don't call them back, what conclusion do you think they draw––that he was just after sex."

And they surely can believe that if they want. Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there and it's not about the sex. However, what I was talking about is men who move to fast. I could go on ten dates and 9 of them would ask for sex on the first date. Now that is trying to hump n dump. Sure I could sleep with all of them and maybe one turn into a relationship. That doesnt change the fact that most of the time men who move that fast are only after one thing.

 

A lot of guys will try to get sex out of a woman if he takes her on a date even if he doesnt really like her. Waste of time, if you ask me.

 

If you're not like that, I applaud you. However, many men are like that.

[salparadise]

I don't think it's unwise to wait a reasonable amount of time.

 

Like previously mentioned, 6 weeks is the shortest amount of time a man has waited for me

 

I have NEVER had an issue with it. Never had a man start pressuring, get upset, or take off. They all respected my desire to just take my time, and were pleasantly surprised to eventually find that I had a high sex drive and enjoy having sex frequently.

 

Any guy who lets me take my time and get comfortable will not be disappointed that he was patient.

 

I appreciate how Phoe is so reasonable and laid back on this, as opposed to labeling people or wearing it on her sleeve like a cause in need of a revolution to correct injustice.

 

Men aren't evil for desiring sex, we're just hardwired that way. Women aren't evil for wanting to secure a relationship first, it's their equivalent hardwiring. There is a lot of nuance and complexity in the way people do the dance and select each other, much of it working in subconscious. It takes a bit of time to get to know someone and waiting awhile is reasonable.

 

But... there are deal breakers. I wouldn't continue dating someone while waiting if she's playing the field, has a fwb or not otherwise investing in a relationship... seems to be holding me at arm's length... seems to want to wait indefinitely... seems to be puritanical, have intimacy or trust issues. Life is too short to play such games and I'd need to be reasonably sure that she's looking forward to it as much as me. When it starts to feel like a test or competition I'd be inclined to cut my losses and find someone with a grownup attitude.

[RedRobin]

It seem to me very safe to conclude that the length of time one waits for sex, has no bearing on the success of the relationship.

 

The more people who pitch in the wider the spread of relationship failures from varying lengths of time of waiting. There doesn't seem to be a correlation.

 

Therefore, if it is ltr success you are arguing, the dependency isn't on a calendar.

 

Noone in my family had sex early with their spouses... Most have been married for decades.

 

Really what it comes down to is how comfortable someone is having sex with a stranger. I don't think having sex with strangers leads to real intimacy. If occasionally intimacy happens at some point, it doesn't give any credence to NOT waiting. It's an outlier. Not something that can be reasonably used to bolster an argument for early sex.

 

It's the same thing as saying that just because South Dakota had an early freak snowstorm this year that global warming isn't happening. A freak occurance doesn't mitigate the overall trend... in other words.

[hotpotato]

S

 

Of the several women I've dated, there has been one relationship that I'd call significant... deep affection, connection, attraction, honorable dealings and intentions on both sides, highly compatible on many levels. She was/is devoutly religious (me not so much). She lives some distance away and it lasted about a year and a half. Well, we were naked, in bed, within about five hours of meeting face to face for the first time.

 

 

Easy to explain.

 

It comes down to men wanting to feel SPECIAL.

 

Guys like it when an otherwise discriminate woman gives in to the throes of passion for him and only him. He has to believe that she doesn't do it all the time because she's not that kind of girl, but she has to have him (and only him) right now!

 

Looks like that's what she did to you, and you fell for it.

 

This has actually come up before when I've talked to guys.

 

The problem is many men fantasize about this, but if she does this with many men, she's not virtuous in their eyes. In other words, this is very illogical.

Edited October 21, 2013 by hotpotato

[salparadise]

Easy to explain.

 

It comes down to men wanting to feel SPECIAL.

 

Guys like it when an otherwise discriminate woman gives in to the throes of passion for him and only him. He has to believe that she doesn't do it all the time because she's not that kind of girl, but she has to have him (and only him) right now!

 

Looks like that's what she did to you, and you fell for it.

 

This has actually come up before when I've talked to guys.

 

The problem is many men fantasize about this, but if she does this with many men, she's not virtuous in their eyes. In other words, this is very illogical.

 

It's certainly true that we men like to feel special, but that's also true of women, children and human beings overall.

 

Was it a trick I fell for? I don't think so. We just felt a strong, genuine connection from the beginning. If it was contrived then yea, it worked. But we continued to feel that connection throughout the relationship, and it continues still even though we only talk occasionally. We're both still single and not hooking up with others. I think it was just one of those rare, beautiful, intersections of time and space and personalities... sad that it wasn't forever, but thankful to have lived and been open to the experience.

[Phoe]

I appreciate how Phoe is so reasonable and laid back on this, as opposed to labeling people or wearing it on her sleeve like a cause in need of a revolution to correct injustice.

 

Being reasonable and logical is pretty much what I strive for in life haha. Glad you can understand where I'm coming from on the topic.

 

 

It really is, quite simply, about being laid back. Not jumping into anything, taking my time, getting to know a guy. If I'm seeing a guy only once or twice a week, 6 weeks is not bad timing at all. Not too little, not too much, I've seen him a handful of times, I'm comfortable around him, feel I am catching his little quirks and understanding his personality more now.

 

 

This way sex is less awkward. Sure, there's likely to be some fumbling the first time, but it's less of the "ok I barely know this person and now my hoo ha is on display this is really awkward".

 

 

I want rapport with this person to have already been established.

[hotpotato]

It's certainly true that we men like to feel special, but that's also true of women, children and human beings overall.

 

Was it a trick I fell for? I don't think so. We just felt a strong, genuine connection from the beginning. If it was contrived then yea, it worked. But we continued to feel that connection throughout the relationship, and it continues still even though we only talk occasionally. We're both still single and not hooking up with others. I think it was just one of those rare, beautiful, intersections of time and space and personalities... sad that it wasn't forever, but thankful to have lived and been open to the experience.

 

That's cute, but if a man said that stuff to me, i'd laugh at him.

Actually, I kind of did. There was a man who was virtuous, but he didn't do anything because it wasn't in his principles. Now he did lay there and talk about how hard it was. In my best voice, "Set the bar high, he did."

Edited October 22, 2013 by hotpotato

[samsungxoxo]

Plus, most guys will assume a girl who has sex early is a slut. Sluts are not marriage material. Men would need to hold up their end of the bargain and stop slutshaming or putting women who are quick to sleep with someone in the category of "not marriage material."

 

Guys say they want a woman who likes sex.What they really mean is they want a woman who likes sex with them but isn't promiscuous. Promiscuous women are more likely to cheat (but men are not), or so the legend goes.

 

I'm a female who stays away from both relationships and sex, btw.

They are the typical entitled studs that believe they deserve that special, serious woman that will wait to have sex and only had very few relationships but nothing else while we have to completely accept their excuse of ''the past is past, I've changed now'' (but they will act like a correctional police officer if the woman had same past they themselves had). They ask and yet have nothing to bring to the table. If that woman is smart, she won't want someone promiscuous either. She'll want the same in return.

 

Now if indeed the man is either a virgin himself or isn't into quick sex and only had a couple long term relationships, ok then he deserves that respectful woman he's demanding.

Edited October 22, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[samsungxoxo]

I had a bf who pressured me to have sex on the frist date.

 

Turns out, he liked sex too much. Cheated all the time.

 

Food for thought.

I'm willing to bet if you would have give that to him, he would have more than likely spread a bad rumor about you and you would have been known as a slot while he gets to do whatever he wants to.