have you ever left your true love out of the blue?

[haggard969]

have you ever left someone and you told them they were your true love, who you planned on getting married to and having kids with , then left out of the blue? and then started dating someone else right after? while they were in tears and shock?

 

why did you do it?

did you not care about the dumpees feelings?

did your new partner compare to your ex?

did you and your new partner last?

did you contact your ex ?

did your ex chase you?

were you mean to your ex?

was it a selfish reason for leaving your ex?

was the excitement of the new relationship worth throwing the old one away?

did you miss your ex?

why wernt you willing to give your ex a chance even though you could see how much they wanted n loved you?

 

im going through something like this i have posted in a previous thread, i am just trying to figure out why people can just up and leave something that was good for something else, and suddenly become cold, rude distant, heartless careless with no emotions.

 

if anyone can answer the questions above that would be great thanks.

[Mz_sassy_77]

 

im going through something like this i have posted in a previous thread, i am just trying to figure out why people can just up and leave something that was good for something else, and suddenly become cold, rude distant, heartless careless with no emotions.

 

if anyone can answer the questions above that would be great thanks.

 

 

My ex did the same thing. We didnt have an argument, nothing happened. It's like a switch went off in his head and he decided it wasnt going to work. Then he becomes cold and distant and completely withdraws from the relationship. And that was that. One day he loves you and the next he doesnt.

 

What I learned from this is that you can spend a lot of time analyzing everything and trying to work out why. But at the end of the day you will never know. The only person who knows why is them.

 

I think some people look at their relationship and their partner and just decide they cant see it lasting and there is someone else out there they would be happier with.

 

It's sad and it hurts I know. But at the end of the day I'd rather know they arent in it for the long haul and it doesnt take anything for them to decide its not going to work out. I dont want to waste my whole life with someone like that.

 

You dont know it now but truly you are better off.

[Sugarkane]

I haven't done this but my ex did this to me. I think these people are just extremely fickle.

[h0000]

no you cant just stop loving someone out of the blue. you must have arguments/underlying problems or your SO has been pulling away but you didnt feel it.

[crederer]

There are so many factors that go into this that the if someone where to answer it fully it'd be a document the size of a phone book.

[Froelich87]

If you leave somebody or somebody leaves you then they weren't you're true love.

 

That's just my own personal opinion.

 

I got left from who I thought was my true love. She's not.

 

She is only a stepping stone to my ultimate significant other.

[KatZee]

Nothing is ever "out of the blue."

 

It may seem that way to YOU, but believe me there is a lot that goes through the mind of a dumper, things you may NEVER even learn about, even after the break up.

 

I left one of my ex's and he thought it was so "out of the blue" when in reality I had wanted to leave him for MONTHS. I was miserable and he knew I was unhappy and miserable. I'm really not sure why the break up came as something so unexpected to him, but he said those same words, "out of the blue."

 

I was dating someone very soon there after, and so to answer your questions:

why did you do it?

I was miserable. I was no longer attracted to him, he was too needy/clingy/desperate. It was time to end the relationship.

 

did you not care about the dumpees feelings?

Of course I cared that he wash hurt, but it had to be done. It wasn't fair to him or myself that I remained with him. I don't believe in staying with someone out of mere obligation.

 

did your new partner compare to your ex?

He didn't. The new guy was more independent, he was more hygienic, he had more of a life outside me, he was more of what I was looking for in regards to a partner. I was 100% more attracted to him and his personality.

 

did you and your new partner last?

Three years

 

did you contact your ex ?

I tried to remain "friends" but I never contacted him to get back together.

 

did your ex chase you?

Yes, for a while. Begged and pleaded for me to give him another chance to show me that he could make me happy. Called/texted/emailed/Facebooked... he was relentless for a while.

 

were you mean to your ex?

Yes, I eventually had to be. He was not getting it that I didn't love him, didn't want to be with him, had someone new, and never wanted to get back together with him. He forced me to become a bitch in order for him to finally get it.

 

was it a selfish reason for leaving your ex?

Selfish because I wanted to be happy? No.

was the excitement of the new relationship worth throwing the old one away?

Yes. My old relationship NEEDED to end. It just had to.

 

did you miss your ex?

Honestly, not at all.

 

why weren't you willing to give your ex a chance even though you could see how much they wanted n loved you?

It doesn't matter how much someone loves you, YOU have to feel that same love back. If you don't, the relationship is one sided. I already stated above that being with someone out of mere obligation or because THEY love you, isn't a reason to remain in the relationship.

 

I already knew what a relationship was like with him, I was horribly unhappy and felt smothered. I was having anxiety attacks being with him, I just needed to be away from him.

[mtnbiker3000]

As stated. It's out of the blue ONLY to you. The dumpee has been thinking about it for a while. And, yes, this happened to me as well Seemed very sudden to me but I now realize she was ready for it long before it happened.

[Never Again]

I left one of my ex's and he thought it was so "out of the blue" when in reality I had wanted to leave him for MONTHS. I was miserable and he knew I was unhappy and miserable. I'm really not sure why the break up came as something so unexpected to him, but he said those same words, "out of the blue."

 

My two questions would be:

 

If you were unhappy, and he knew you were unhappy...was this something the two of you had active and open communication about?

 

Did you ever discuss with him that his behavior, being needy/clingy/desperate was an issue?

 

I can sympathize that at a certain point something can be so broken that it cannot be repaired, and it sounds like you were at this point looooong before you left him. However, speaking from personal experience...I know that if any of my behaviors or quirks were bothersome to my significant other, I would expect them to be honest and respectful enough to tell me before it eroded their love for me entirely.

 

I'm not saying YOU are guilty of that at all. However, I know many that are. A good friend of mine suffered silently for months because she wanted her boyfriend to "be happy". But by not communicating with him, she allowed herself to be unhappy about issues that were completely solvable. It drove her to end a perfectly supportive and stable relationship over.

Edited October 20, 2013 by Pfenixphire

[mtnbiker3000]

If you were unhappy, and he knew you were unhappy...was this something the two of you had active and open communication about?

 

Did you ever discuss with him that his behavior, being needy/clingy/desperate was an issue?

 

I can sympathize that at a certain point something can be so broken that it cannot be repaired, and it sounds like you were at this point looooong before you left him. However, speaking from personal experience...I know that if any of my behaviors or quirks were bothersome to my significant other, I would expect them to be honest and respectful enough to tell me before it eroded their love for me entirely.

 

I'm not saying YOU are guilty of that at all. However, I know many that are. A good friend of mine suffered silently for months because she wanted her boyfriend to "be happy". But by not communicating with him, she allowed herself to be happy about issues that were completely solvable. It drove her to end a perfectly happy and stable relationship.

 

Sorry to jump in here, but in my experience, these types of conversations rarely happen. Most people don't possess the courage, strength and maturity to have such conversations. Rather, they start preparing for the end internally and 'secretly', then as soon as they can't take anymore or don't want to be involved anymore, they split. And, at that point, there is little that can be done to salvage an otherwise decent relationship. Again, I speak from personal experience to this...

[Never Again]

Sorry to jump in here, but in my experience, these types of conversations rarely happen. Most people don't possess the courage, strength and maturity to have such conversations. Rather, they start preparing for the end internally and 'secretly', then as soon as they can't take anymore or don't want to be involved anymore, they split.

 

I didn't want to make any assumptions about her, but I also feel that's generally the case.

 

However, I don't understand how those people expect any relationship to last. No couple is 100% compatible, and communication is the only way to TRY and iron out the inevitable differences that arise. We are each flawed, so every relationship is, by default, also flawed.

 

Without maturity and trust, how will anything ever work out between two people?

 

I mean, yes, everyone can bumble around aimlessly and HOPE to find someone who innately know what they need and will have no irritating or abrasive personality flaws with whom they are mostly compatible and have chemistry, but I prefer to be a little more realistic than that, personally.

[h0000]

I am no saint when I dumped my ex ex bf. But I will be completely honest:

 

why did you do it?

In the end, he is just not good enough for me. He owes me money and he likes to flirt with other girls. I met someone else and decided to cut him off completely.

 

did you not care about the dumpees feelings?

No. I felt no guilt whatsoever because I think he is a loser.

 

did your new partner compare to your ex?

The new guy isnt Mr right either. But he is good enough.

 

did you and your new partner last?

1 year. my ex ex was 1.5 year.

 

did you contact your ex ?

Not at all.

 

did your ex chase you?

Yes.

 

were you mean to your ex?

In the end yes.

 

was it a selfish reason for leaving your ex?

I guess I didn't do it completely right. If I hadnt met the new guy I wouldnt have dumped him . However the BU would still happen. It would only be a matter of time.

was the excitement of the new relationship worth throwing the old one away?

Yes. Even though new one didn't last it is still worth it.

 

did you miss your ex?

Not at all. I still think he is a loser.

 

why weren't you willing to give your ex a chance even though you could see how much they wanted n loved you?

I am not sure it's "love" even though he wanted to marry me. And as I said he isn't good enough to be successful and I am not attracted to him at all.

[mtnbiker3000]

You raise some very interesting points.

 

I didn't want to make any assumptions about her, but I also feel that's generally the case.

 

Yeah. It's a sucky realization...

 

However, I don't understand how those people expect any relationship to last. No couple is 100% compatible, and communication is the only way to TRY and iron out the inevitable differences that arise. We are each flawed, so every relationship is, by default, also flawed.

 

I think that as a relationship evolves past the Honeymoon Stage, it slowly starts to lean in one direction. This creates a person who is 'pulling in' and one who is 'pushing away'. Now, the fuse is lit and the pusher (dumper) eventually leaves the RS. Just a matter of time. Could be months or even years down the line. Also, I believe social media doesn't help either. Something new is just a click away. Makes it hard for a lazy and weak person to want to put in the work to save or strengthen a relationship.

 

Without maturity and trust, how will anything ever work out between two people?

 

Good question. Makes one wonder

 

I mean, yes, everyone can bumble around aimlessly and HOPE to find someone who innately know what they need and will have no irritating or abrasive personality flaws with whom they are mostly compatible and have chemistry, but I prefer to be a little more realistic than that, personally.

 

I think that is the mentality of most of us here on LS. Then again, we are 99% all dumpees. So who knows??

[Kizmet Fisher]

Definitely not a saint myself, and this is from when I was 17/18 years old but the more posts I read on here the more convinced I become that it's still highly relevant.

 

why did you do it?

My ex-boyfriend messaged me saying he wanted to go out and see a movie together. I went, one thing led to another and I had hoped it meant we were getting back together. The guy I was with when I did that was nice. But I just didn't feel anything romantic from him, even though I lied and said I did.

 

did you not care about the dumpees feelings?

Yes, I cared. I was worried about losing the friendship, but if it were much more than that, I probably wouldn't have been breaking up with him in the first place

 

did your new partner compare to your ex?

He was a huge ******* and we broke up soon after. But I was at least attracted to him physically, romantically, intellectually.

 

did you and your new partner last?

Nope. Folded within the month.

 

did you contact your ex ?

Yes.

 

did your ex chase you?

No.

 

were you mean to your ex?

Actually, no. It was a bad time for me and so I was kind of a bitch in the relationship though

 

was it a selfish reason for leaving your ex?

I suppose so. But ultimately, there's nothing selfish about breaking up with someone. At least not a clean break, anyway. It is far more selfish to stay with someone who you don't really want to be with, letting them continue to invest in you when your heart just isn't in it

was the excitement of the new relationship worth throwing the old one away?

Not really. I'm glad I "threw away" something that wasn't working for me though.

 

did you miss your ex?

Somewhat, but not romantically.

 

why weren't you willing to give your ex a chance even though you could see how much they wanted n loved you?

Relationships are a two way street. No matter how much someone loves you (or thinks they love you), a relationship gets unbalanced very quickly when the emotions aren't as strong on your side. Or vice versa. That tends to be when very messy and painful breakups occur.

[lop98]

have you ever left someone and you told them they were your true love, who you planned on getting married to and having kids with , then left out of the blue? and then started dating someone else right after? while they were in tears and shock?

I was in love with him but I don't believe in "true loves". I was friends with him for years and I never wanted to be in a relationship with him, it just happened and I fell really hard for him but I always knew how troubled he was so I was always plotting ways to save myself from the pain I knew he was capable of inflicting. There wasn't a day when I didn't think of breaking up, but when I finally ended the relationship it was too late, we were too invested, he didn't know what had happened and had some kind of breakdown (quit his job among other things). One of his friends hooked him up with someone the next week and he jumped into a relationship with her... I know he did it because he was hurt but also as a way to get back to me.

 

why did you do it?

Chapter was closed... he was dating someone, and maybe I wanted revenge...

 

did you not care about the dumpees feelings?

Initially I did... but I'd always remind myself that he didn't care about mine.

 

did your new partner compare to your ex?

At first... my ex and I shared a lot of tastes and similar life paths. My new partner was into things that were completely opposite to me, but despite this and from day one, and unlike my ex, I trusted him... he has every value in order, is respectful, no drugs, I still compare but mostly by valuing my boyfriend and knowing I dodged one nasty bullet with my ex.

 

did you and your new partner last?

We're still together.

 

did you contact your ex ?

Yes, the first couple of months.

 

did your ex chase you?

He tried to maintain contact.

 

were you mean to your ex?

Yes. We were both hurt and said a lot of hurtful things to each other.

 

was it a selfish reason for leaving your ex?

Probably but in a way I also did both of us a favor... I loved him but I knew I'd never be able to let go of all my insecurities around him. We were incompatible... but yeah, selfishness is the only way to get out and move on, same for all the things frowned upon, like pride... that's the only time so-called negative emotions are useful to get you through.

 

was the excitement of the new relationship worth throwing the old one away?

ABSOLUTELY.

 

did you miss your ex?

For many months. Not anymore... I wouldn't even know what to talk about with him.

 

why weren't you willing to give your ex a chance even though you could see how much they wanted n loved you?

I broke up while I still loved him and wanted a life with him, I really needed some time apart because it had all been too fast... but when the breakup happened, his true colors came up... everything I always suspected about him during the relationship, there it was, in full bloom... he doesn't do drugs anymore but I've known drug addicts, and he was one that day, the way he treated me, the things he said, all his actions afterwards... I knew it was over, I would never forget, 8 months on it still hurts to remember... even if I'd taken another chance with him, I'd always keep very present in my mind the lengths he's willing to go to hurt me. Ruining the relationship devastated me but it was an eye-opener... it only served to confirm it really wasn't where I wanted to be.

Edited October 20, 2013 by lop98

[KatZee]

My two questions would be:

 

If you were unhappy, and he knew you were unhappy...was this something the two of you had active and open communication about?

 

Did you ever discuss with him that his behavior, being needy/clingy/desperate was an issue?

 

Yup. I had this conversation with my ex probably 2-3 times. I had asked for space, I told him I wanted/needed a break to get my head straight, I needed to just be alone for a bit.

 

He didn't respect this at all. After like 4 or 5 days he was full on talking to me again, and pushing himself back into the relationship.

 

For background info, I had my own apartment, this relationship was when I was getting my second degree in college. It was MY apartment, but for some reason, he just showed up to my place and then before I knew it, without ANY discussion whatsoever, he had moved in. He would whine and complain how there was no space for him and I was like... "excuse me, I rented this apartment to be MINE, not ours, I didn't even know you, it's a studio, and this is my place. Not yours."

 

He just always had to be near me, around me, touching me. He never gave me one inch of space to breathe. He was extremely dependent on me, relied on me for simple tasks like doing laundry. He came off completely incapable of even taking care of himself on a basic level. I wound up feeling like his mother, not a girlfriend.

 

So yes, we had these conversations and I was never given sufficient time alone, or to really think things through, so the anxiety kept building and building instead of going away. So by the time I dumped him, I was like a loose cannon that just exploded.

 

But he knew. He absolutely knew. Whether he chose to really grasp it or understand just how trapped I felt, is not my problem. But he definitely knew.

[KatZee]

I think that as a relationship evolves past the Honeymoon Stage, it slowly starts to lean in one direction. This creates a person who is 'pulling in' and one who is 'pushing away'. Now, the fuse is lit and the pusher (dumper) eventually leaves the RS. Just a matter of time. Could be months or even years down the line. Also, I believe social media doesn't help either. Something new is just a click away. Makes it hard for a lazy and weak person to want to put in the work to save or strengthen a relationship.

 

I think that is the mentality of most of us here on LS. Then again, we are 99% all dumpees. So who knows??

 

This is quite the assumption.

 

If you haven't yet been a dumper this is a pretty far reaching assumption.

 

There is always going to be someone in the relationship who cares more, and who cares least. But I don't think once the honeymoon period ends, the person who will *ultimately* become the dumper, knows that he/she wants out of the relationship.

 

In my last relationship where I was dumped, we were together three years and even after the honeymoon period we were still good together. The relationship eroded over time due to outside forces, and outside people who had a heavy hand and who really interfered in our relationship and caused a lot of problems and drama between us. If those things never would have happened, we would have definitely still been together.

 

Also, just because someone doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore, and they decide to leave, doesn't make them lazy and weak.

 

A person KNOWS (or really should know) when the relationship has hit the point of no return, they aren't happy, and there's no fixing it. No one on this planet has an obligation to keep a dead end, or a dead relationship alive, especially if it affects their own mental and emotional well being. More often than not, it's better to just learn from the past, and move on into something better for them.

 

The dumper is obviously going to be extremely sad, and is going to want more chances, but more often than not, once that decision is reached, it's not because they are weak and lazy, but because they know deep down, and in the long run, the relationship is just not going to work, and it's pointless to delay the inevitable.

[KatZee]

to the ladys that asks for space, i tell em not to come back. its a power play.

 

It's not a "power play" at all. At least it wasn't for me.

 

I was having legit anxiety attacks because of him. I had to go to the dentist and have my teeth filed down because I was grinding them in my sleep.

 

I NEEDED to be away from him to become mentally sane again. It wasn't a "power play." It was for my emotional health.

 

Don't think you know EVERYTHING about how people work.

[Am4Real]

Kat,

 

Agree wholeheartedly with your post and as “matter of fact” all your posts on this thread.

 

You appear to have a good handle with being on the other side, which is what the OP asked for in the original question when generally interpreted as “what went through the mind of a dumper” in an out of the blue parting. Categorically it might resemble a broad pattern, however I believe the OP may have intended his question slightly differently than the general interpretation herein.

 

As a dumper (in the past), I concur with your approach and also the comments from mtnbiker3000, although I tend to notice some of the percentages thrown into mtnbiker’s comments appear fabricated rather than statistical but no big deal, I get the point.

 

I did however read the OP questions slightly different than the theme most are following here and here is where the we might differ from our own breakups and what I think happened to the OP (assumption on my part of course).

 

When I was the dumper in one of the times I was such (sorry), there was a time where I felt the dumpee could be my long-term significant other; I felt love and in communications shared those three famous words “I love you”. Sometime as those thoughts and feelings changed, those words stopped. It was probably months and months before the break up, but they stopped. And NEVER did I say we would marry, have children or any other indication of “forever” with all the trimmings.

 

I believe the OP and many others have such words and sentiments delivered to them right up to the end or very near the end and it is this experience which ultimately confuses their minds and leaves the questions of why, how and so on.

 

Perhaps with our experience in this forum we see the dumpee as extremely careful to cloak their feelings to all but the most discerning, to keep the dumpee baited (perhaps as an option) until the very end.

 

We all know what this is done in technique, normally someone new entered the picture and the dumper is confused on the choice and is attempting to hide their intentions (assumption here of course), however if this has happened in the way I describe to the OP, words of love and forever were given right up to the every end, perhaps he/she can clarify so we can answer the thread more appropriately tailored to his/her experience.

 

Am4Real

 

 

 

This is quite the assumption.

 

If you haven't yet been a dumper this is a pretty far reaching assumption.

 

There is always going to be someone in the relationship who cares more, and who cares least. But I don't think once the honeymoon period ends, the person who will *ultimately* become the dumper, knows that he/she wants out of the relationship.

 

[Never Again]

A person KNOWS (or really should know) when the relationship has hit the point of no return, they aren't happy, and there's no fixing it. No one on this planet has an obligation to keep a dead end, or a dead relationship alive, especially if it affects their own mental and emotional well being. More often than not, it's better to just learn from the past, and move on into something better for them.

 

The dumper is obviously going to be extremely sad, and is going to want more chances, but more often than not, once that decision is reached, it's not because they are weak and lazy, but because they know deep down, and in the long run, the relationship is just not going to work, and it's pointless to delay the inevitable.

 

Firstly, KatZee, thank you for answering my other question. Some dumpees, such as myself, feel like they never received the kind of honest and open feedback you tried to provide to your ex. Maybe we did and were simply too oblivious to pick up on it...who knows?

 

In my case, my ex left because that romantic "spark" began to fade during a stressful time. We supported each other through some hectic changes in our professional lives (hers changing the most dramatically, as her career exploded), but she never told me anything felt wrong...until the day of doom.

 

She even admitted to pretending that everything was okay, but that it felt wrong to not have that excited "butterflies in her tummy" feeling anymore. I was told I did nothing wrong, and that she had hid this from me for a month because the relationship "should have been perfect". She didn't even know if breaking up was the right call - she thought it was "for the best", but had expected to "feel" that it was a mistake if she had made the wrong choice.

 

I bolded part of what you said because I feel like you provided an important distinction...a person SHOULD know, but I feel like that's not the case as often as we'd like. Browsing these boards, I see a lot of dumpers leaving because of doubts and "feeling like something is missing" (losing that initial "in love" excitement).

 

"Knowing" doesn't seem to be the case, more often than not. And I contest that, unless you communicate and TRY (which, kudos to you for doing!) they never will know for sure. There is nothing certain, even down deep, about leaving someone because of assumptions on whether a particular set of circumstances or feelings will stay or change. You may have been strong and upfront, but those who do not communicate their needs or reveal their unhappiness in an attempt to fix it before taking the "easy way out" (leaving)...well, that unwillingness to be open and honest with a significant other is a form of weakness in my eyes. The breakup may be inevitable and staying in a relationship is by no means an obligation...but partners DO owe each other the benefit of respectful and timely communication.

 

However, there is definitely a dumpees' bias on these boards, so take my observations with a grain of salt.

[Am4Real]

This is OT from the original poster who had no such communications and wanted opinions from the DUMPERS, not the dumpee.

 

It seems to me you were given reasons by the DUMPER and this was very decent of the DUMPER to tell you such.

 

Sorry for your pain in all of this.

 

 

Firstly, KatZee, thank you for answering my other question. Some dumpees, such as myself, feel like they never received the kind of honest and open feedback you tried to provide to your ex. Maybe we did and were simply too oblivious to pick up on it...who knows?

 

In my case, my ex left because that romantic "spark" began to fade during a stressful time. We supported each other through some hectic changes in our professional lives (hers changing the most dramatically, as her career exploded), but she never told me anything felt wrong...until the day of doom.

 

She even admitted to pretending that everything was okay, but that it felt wrong to not have that excited "butterflies in her tummy" feeling anymore. I was told I did nothing wrong, and that she had hid this from me for a month because the relationship "should have been perfect". She didn't even know if breaking up was the right call - she thought it was "for the best", but had expected to "feel" that it was a mistake if she had made the wrong choice.

 

I bolded part of what you said because I feel like you provided an important distinction...a person SHOULD know, but I feel like that's not the case as often as we'd like. Browsing these boards, I see a lot of dumpers leaving because of doubts and "feeling like something is missing" (losing that initial "in love" excitement).

 

"Knowing" doesn't seem to be the case, more often than not. And I contest that, unless you communicate and TRY (which, kudos to you for doing!) they never will know for sure. There is nothing certain, even down deep, about leaving someone because of assumptions on whether a particular set of circumstances or feelings will stay or change. You may have been strong and upfront, but those who do not communicate their needs or reveal their unhappiness in an attempt to fix it before taking the "easy way out" (leaving)...well, that unwillingness to be open and honest with a significant other is a form of weakness in my eyes. The breakup may be inevitable and staying in a relationship is by no means an obligation...but partners DO owe each other the benefit of respectful and timely communication.

 

However, there is definitely a dumpees' bias on these boards, so take my observations with a grain of salt.

[Never Again]

I believe the OP and many others have such words and sentiments delivered to them right up to the end or very near the end and it is this experience which ultimately confuses their minds and leaves the questions of why, how and so on.

 

Perhaps with our experience in this forum we see the dumpee as extremely careful to cloak their feelings to all but the most discerning, to keep the dumpee baited (perhaps as an option) until the very end.

 

We all know what this is done in technique, normally someone new entered the picture and the dumper is confused on the choice and is attempting to hide their intentions (assumption here of course), however if this has happened in the way I describe to the OP, words of love and forever were given right up to the every end, perhaps he/she can clarify so we can answer the thread more appropriately tailored to his/her experience.

 

Am4Real,

 

You may have hit on something here. It is similar to where I was heading with my thought process, but I admit to being a little muddled in my approach.

 

I agree that it does seem like the OP, like many on these boards (including myself), received loving sentiments right until the end. I'm sure those if us that received words of love and commitment until the end represent the "out of the blue" dumpee crowd.

 

When no communication or indication is given, it's a double hurt for the dumpee...abandonment AND confusion.

 

Now, I'm making an assumption here that maybe the dumpers in the thread can clarify, but is it possible that these sentiments are repeated until the end because the dumper WANTS them? Even if the dumper sees no future in the relationship, I'm guessing that wouldn't stop them from necessarily loving their partner and wanting to be with them, even if it "just wasn't working", right?

[Never Again]

This is OT from the original poster who had no such communications and wanted opinions from the DUMPERS, not the dumpee.

 

It seems to me you were given reasons by the DUMPER and this was very decent of the DUMPER to tell you such.

 

Sorry for your pain in all of this.

 

Yes, I'm aware of what the OP was asking. However, I also asked KatZee to further elaborate on her stance. She was helpful and informative, however, even as a DUMPEE I can still provide counterpoints.

 

While I may share the experience of the OP, I am not trying to derail this thread or talk only about my experiences. I'm as interested as the OP and was trying to generate some more in depth discussion. If I'm failing in those things...well, give me a shove because I don't want to cause problems. Like everyone else here, I'm trying to help AND understand.

[Am4Real]

No, there are no problems, no worries.

 

What we have is the OP asking for point of views on what the DUMPER was thinking or reasoning with and perhaps communicating or not communicating. Your experiences are likely in line with the OP (as dumpees) and any of the folks on here @ loveshack.

 

As others have said as dumpees, there are many variables and much assumption, therefore I believe this thread warrants a challenge to all DUMPERS in asking “hey, just what were you thinking and what were your reasons”. I took it a step further in asking the OP for clarification because “out of the blue” or “all of a sudden” can take on many facets or interpretations. However as a good friend of mine experienced as the dumpee, she was being told of love, forever and having children right up to the end, then poof, he was gone! Wouldn’t you love to know his reasoning and why he was saying those things up to the very end? She certainly did!!

 

It appears that Kat and I were pulling back over time, perhaps all unnoticed to the DUMPEE, but there is no way it was “out of the blue”, the DUMPEE simply did not see the signs or notice the change in our words.

 

Perhaps start a new thread from your point of view or start your post with OT and place OT in the subject field if it’s just one post?

 

Hang in there.

Edited October 20, 2013 by Am4Real

[Am4Real]

For me the answer is NO. I would not play someone out with false words or want them to think we were in a solid relationship if I had no intention of keeping them.

 

It’s not to say in my past there were times and issues that were just not the best I could imagine and, I stayed in the relationship while keeping an eye and ear open to possibilities (ughhh….). However, there was never a time my SO had not heard of our issues or grievances beforehand or multiple times, while sometimes ignoring and not acting upon these issues, leading to my lessened attraction. [That last sentence should be warning to all in relationships don’t you think? Listen and act to your partners complaints]

 

The way you worded this thread I can tell you there are many theories on “guilt of a dumper” and they are good theories. Some dumpers will be honest enough to tell you what “we” really think and reason with even if it makes us look bad…

 

Want to start some good conversation, post a new thread with such a challenge…perhaps title it “LOOKING FOR CONFESSIONS FROM DUMPERS – TELL US THE DARK SIDE” LOL:p

 

 

 

 

 

Am4Real,

 

You may have hit on something here. It is similar to where I was heading with my thought process, but I admit to being a little muddled in my approach.

 

I agree that it does seem like the OP, like many on these boards (including myself), received loving sentiments right until the end. I'm sure those if us that received words of love and commitment until the end represent the "out of the blue" dumpee crowd.

 

When no communication or indication is given, it's a double hurt for the dumpee...abandonment AND confusion.

 

Now, I'm making an assumption here that maybe the dumpers in the thread can clarify, but is it possible that these sentiments are repeated until the end because the dumper WANTS them? Even if the dumper sees no future in the relationship, I'm guessing that wouldn't stop them from necessarily loving their partner and wanting to be with them, even if it "just wasn't working", right?