5 Year Relationship Over

[Jake2014]

Hey guys, first post after reading nearly every thread on the site. My head is still so messed up, I actually don't know where to start but first things first I suppose is to tell you a little bit about my background information with my girlfriend of five years.

 

We started going out when she was 17 and I was 20 and the first couple of years were incredible. I've never felt a connection as strong with anybody else, and I do fully believe she is my soul mate. Definelty my first love anyway.

 

Originally she was the one that chased me at the start of the relationship for about six months and then we started going out. I fell completely head over heels in love with her and she was completely head over heels in love with me too. We went on our first holiday together, were each other's first sexual partners and everything that goes on between first love couples.

 

I was always very good to her and would pay for everything and bring her everywhere and just generally be good boyfriend. I was prob way too much of a pushover. I loved her though so didn't care about any of that. She had a very hard upbringing (both parents died at young age)

 

It was an incredible bond. Things started to change last summer. She made friends with a whole new group of friends and started to change how she dressed and how she looked and changed the colour of her hair and stuff. She started to act differently. We started fighting soon after that.

 

She became more distant and cold towards me and I started to neglect this new person. I started to concentrate on myself more and more and she didn't like this. When she started to complain about it, I felt guilty and started to massively overcompensate by catering to her every need 100% more than ever before. I was like her lapdog.

 

In the meantime, I went through personal **** and started to become very moody and grumpy. I hated the way she treated me but was afraid to lose her. We went through weeks of breaking up, making up etc. Anyway, it all came to a head 2 months ago. We had a big talk and after much crying we decided to give it one last go.

 

She agreed she would stop being hot and cold, I agreed that I would stop being moody and grumpy and that we would give it one last go. This lasted about 2 weeks and it was pretty boring. Spark had gone. She went back to not calling and ignoring my texts for the next few days.

 

We had another chat and she apologised saying she really did love me and we would give it one final go. :0

 

The next two weeks were incredible. The sex was back like in the honeymoon phase and the spark was back in a major way. It was incredible. We picked out bday presents for each other and were getting on brilliantly.

 

Then one day 3 weeks ago, we met up and had a normal day. I took her to college and I dropped her home and gave her kiss bye. She said she's ring me later and that was the last thing I heard from her.

 

Now I started to become psycho and bombarded her with texts and calls. Regret doing it now but my head was wrecked and I couldn't sleep and think straight. She ignored everything as if I was dead. No break up, no explanation nothing. After a week she text rang me and said she was only ringing cuz she knew I was angry. I hung up and told her **** off. I rang her back and apologised for hanging up (hate that childish ****) but then she hung up. Still no break up.

 

I didn't talk to her until two weeks later. I called to her house to get my stuff back and she wouldn't talk to me. She wouldn't answer the door to me and told me go home.

 

Haven't heard anything since. I initiated no contact and That was three weeks ago. She still has all my stuff out there including clothes, DVDs, books and some money as well as my credit card. I can't break nc or it will defeat the purpose of it so I am stuck in a terrible spot. It sucks.

 

Mainly, I'm super confused. I don't really know how to feel about it and y head is spinning still 3 weeks on into NC. I mean why bring the relationship back when it was dead a month ago? Why have amazing sex if she no longer cared? Why would she want my clothes if she hates me?

 

Any help!?

[Jake2014]

Anybody have any advice?

[Mariposa10]

How long did you wait for her to contact you, before you went "psycho?"

 

I don't know if I missed it, but you guys haven't officially broken up?

 

Maybe she's waiting for you to cool down? I just don't see how this relationship can be saved. You guys are really young, especially her...

[Jake2014]

Thanks for reply. Really appreciate it.

 

Bits of my post seemed to delete. I hadn't heard from her in about 2 weeks. I would call her and text her 3-4 times a day. It was never anything totally manic but I wish I had a held some more self respect. She just ignored me for two weeks. Then rang to check I wasn't too angry... Yeah, like that's normal!

 

As for officially broken up, the night I called for my stuff, I asked her to talk to me or give me back my stuff and she refused both. She wouldn't even come out of her room to talk. I said then that I was sick of her crap and that she didn't respect me after 5 years. Respect has been a major issue in our relationship, I'm a naturally affectionate guy and I treated her as best I could, even recently buying her an iMac for her bday a few weeks back. I know, I'm too much of a pushover.

 

It's probably down to the fact that she was so young and wants to experience different things and maybe spread her wings. I accept this but don't understand the hatred and anger, especially if she claims she doesn't have any feeling left...

 

She's not indifferent towards me, she seems angry and upset while also not knowing what she wants.

[Mariposa10]

Thanks for reply. Really appreciate it.

 

Bits of my post seemed to delete. I hadn't heard from her in about 2 weeks. I would call her and text her 3-4 times a day. It was never anything totally manic but I wish I had a held some more self respect. She just ignored me for two weeks. Then rang to check I wasn't too angry... Yeah, like that's normal!

 

As for officially broken up, the night I called for my stuff, I asked her to talk to me or give me back my stuff and she refused both. She wouldn't even come out of her room to talk. I said then that I was sick of her crap and that she didn't respect me after 5 years. Respect has been a major issue in our relationship, I'm a naturally affectionate guy and I treated her as best I could, even recently buying her an iMac for her bday a few weeks back. I know, I'm too much of a pushover.

 

It's probably down to the fact that she was so young and wants to experience different things and maybe spread her wings. I accept this but don't understand the hatred and anger, especially if she claims she doesn't have any feeling left...

 

She's not indifferent towards me, she seems angry and upset while also not knowing what she wants.

 

You're also really young, there was only a 3 year difference in this relationship. She must be super confused, and as you said. There's not much you can do, you need to start focusing on yourself, start healing. She's doing what's best for her. She's only focusing on herself right now. Sounds like she's checked out of the relationship. Now it's time for you to do what's best for you.

 

5 years is such a long time, I was with my ex for 4 almost 5 years as well. And at some point I also went psycho calling him one night..., but that's another story. It's in the past now, don't even think about it. You'll have ups and downs, go out with your friends (don't go crazy of course) spend time with your family.

 

You can always come and vent here!!

[Jake2014]

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. It really does suck and ppl can be so cruel.

 

As hard as the last few weeks have been, I think I'm beginning to accept that it's over. That's even hard to type but I don't actually blame her for walking away. She needs to see life and maybe get into different situations where I don't hold her hand and protect her.

 

What's really upsetting me though is her attitude. I know she owes me nothing but I can't understand why she won't speak to me. I mean, is it a power thing that she still has my stuff.? Like say if in a few months time the grass isn't greener, she has an opening to come back with such as 'hey wanna meet up and get ur stuff'?

 

Or does she care at all?

 

Biggest question is whether to write her a letter or not. I want to accept my mistakes, apologise for what I put her through and tell her I respect her decision. Would this stand to me in the future if we we've were to reconcile or would she see it as weak and needy, unattractive...

[Mariposa10]

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. It really does suck and ppl can be so cruel.

 

As hard as the last few weeks have been, I think I'm beginning to accept that it's over. That's even hard to type but I don't actually blame her for walking away. She needs to see life and maybe get into different situations where I don't hold her hand and protect her.

 

What's really upsetting me though is her attitude. I know she owes me nothing but I can't understand why she won't speak to me. I mean, is it a power thing that she still has my stuff.? Like say if in a few months time the grass isn't greener, she has an opening to come back with such as 'hey wanna meet up and get ur stuff'?

 

Or does she care at all?

 

Biggest question is whether to write her a letter or not. I want to accept my mistakes, apologise for what I put her through and tell her I respect her decision. Would this stand to me in the future if we we've were to reconcile or would she see it as weak and needy, unattractive...

 

The letter is a big no-no and most people here will agree with that. Right now, she's made up her mind. She knows how you feel. It's all up to her. There tons of threads about people writing letters you can read about it and it doesn't work.

 

When I went through my breakup I went though the following stages: denial, depression, anger and acceptance (I still go back and forth between anger and acceptance).

 

You need to start living your life, she's living hers. Let time do its thing. What kind of stuff, are we talking about here? is it really valuable?? I don't want that to prevent you from moving on.

[Jake2014]

Well, the night I called to her house. I was so angry she wouldn't talk to me, I told her that if she didn't come out that this was really over. I told her not to contact me or even talk to me. I was angry but she was acting so childish, I just lost it. That's had be wracked with guilt. I know she wanted me to finally say the word cuz she was being a coward but I can't help feel guilty.

 

Yeah, she has some stuff such as clothes and DVDs. Also my credit card and some money. Nothing majorly valuable but I don't want anything back at all. That's not my point with the actual belongings.

 

I'm confused as to what her motive is by not wanting to give them back to me. Is it a power thing or a spite thing? Surely she should feel nothing for me if she says it!?

 

Letter would be my way of just saying I respect her decision, thank her for the good times and helping me through some stuff nobody else could have. We were through so much together and it kills me to think she won't be there on ye other side now that I have got my life back on track.

 

I'm back in college and working after two years of doing nothing. I'm back exercising and actually takin pride in my appearance again. I was in a bad head space for a long time and I needed this to kick my arse

. Ironic eh!?

[Jake2014]

Update!

 

So after 3 weeks no contact. I find out she put up a 'in a relationship status' with some guy on Facebook. I didn't even acknowledge it. I text her two days later and asked again for my credit card back. I wasn't expecting anything but she replied instantly!

 

I told her I needed it ASAP and the. She replied grand I'll let ya know tmro what the story is. I was polite and kept my head. Acted indifferent.

 

She rang me today. I was stunned. Thought I'd get a basic I have ur stuff here message but no, she rang. She was telling me all about her parties she is going to and about all her new friends.

 

I kept cool again and she asked me if I wanted presents back, I said no of course not. She seemed to be trying to gloat or rise me. Not 100% sure.

 

We are meeting tmro to get some stuff off each other! What's she playing at?!