LeeLee18 Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Me and my girlfriend are in love and we are 17, almost 18, she went on holiday recently to her home country and one night she was very drunk and high on weed...she does not remember this happening but her girl friends said it did. That she kissed a guy. She does not remember it that well but she said the guy must of kissed her, she did not go up to him and kiss him. She is not a very horny girl, her sex drive is quite low, unless we are going at it, we have not had sex yet, she is a virgin, as am I, and she has had boyfriends before but have never done anything more than kiss them. Should I be jealous? yes, but should I be furious? was it really her fault? she was drunk and high (for me that isn't an excuse) but the guy DID kiss HER, not the other way round. She admitted it to me last night, she was on holiday last week when it happened. She said she has been beating herself up about it, wishes it never happened, it has been killing her, she cant really remember it but her friends wouldn't lie. I can see the guilt and sadness, regret and sorriness in her eyes, she told me she loves me, I do believe her. I trusted her on this holiday, I find it hard to trust people generally, so this has really been a kick in the balls. Should I be worried? should I break up with her? I don't want to. Should I just let this mistake slide as a minor slip up and forgive her & move on?
crederer Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 She doesn't remember it but the guy kissed her, she knows that much? Sounds like she doesn't want to take full responsibility for her actions but rather the minimum amount of responsibility that she can get away with. And yes, it is for sure cheating. Are you going to want to have to worry about her everytime she gets drunk when you're not around?
Criticality Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 I kinda swing both ways on this. On one hand, of course she remembers. She realized she made a mistake, and doesn't come clean cause she's scared that you'd break up with her. On the other hand, she seems genuinely remorseful. And she is 17. It's not an excuse, but people do a lot of dumb things they regret when they're 17. You don't have the same decision making skills and self control than someone ten years older. Would you like a second chance if you messed up? (OK, you didn't cheat, but surely you must have done something you regret in the last couple of years) Treat her like you'd treat yourself in that situation. But don't hold it over her head. 1
Grumpybutfun Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Depends what your codes are. For me, if a girl kissed another guy, drunk or not, her ass is gone. Alcohol is no excuse. I have zero tolerance for cheating. Yes, one kiss is cheating. If a girl was holding another guys hand I would dump her. This is the person you're wanting to be with for LIFE -- choose wisely. Trust is everything. Know your worth. And if you do stay with her, she can't simply just get away with it with an apology, otherwise she knows she can get away with something wrong with just an apology. I would not talk to her for 3 weeks and tell her you feel betrayed. I know you're in love, but sometime you have to be tough to show boundaries. Take yourself out of the picture and use other people in your world... What would you think if you saw your mom kiss another man who wasn't your dad? How would you feel about that? What would you do if you saw your best friends girlfriend kiss another guy? What would you tell your buddy to do? I would agree with this if they were adults and were engaged or long-term committers, but they are 17 and 18 respectively. At that age, it isn't necessarily assured that anyone wants to be with the other person for life. Teen years are still child developmentally formative years and so she gets a pass just on the fact that she is young and hasn't really developed yet. OP: However, I would definitely let her know that though you may forgive this time, as she may have been caught off guard, she has to be more aware and responsible for her behavior and reactions in the future. Also, let her know that alcohol/drugs is never an excuse as she decides how much she drinks or smokes. Therefore, her behavior is dependent on her choices, not her alcohol/drugs. I would be more concerned with her getting herself into a situation where she blacks out due to her partying and gets raped/sexually assaulted. If you are around strangers, moderation is key for any person...male or female. If this happens again, move on as your opinion and happiness is not much of a concern for her. Good luck, Grumps 1
Author LeeLee18 Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 I would agree with this if they were adults and were engaged or long-term committers, but they are 17 and 18 respectively. At that age, it isn't necessarily assured that anyone wants to be with the other person for life. Teen years are still child developmentally formative years and so she gets a pass just on the fact that she is young and hasn't really developed yet. OP: However, I would definitely let her know that though you may forgive this time, as she may have been caught off guard, she has to be more aware and responsible for her behavior and reactions in the future. Also, let her know that alcohol/drugs is never an excuse as she decides how much she drinks or smokes. Therefore, her behavior is dependent on her choices, not her alcohol/drugs. I would be more concerned with her getting herself into a situation where she blacks out due to her partying and gets raped/sexually assaulted. If you are around strangers, moderation is key for any person...male or female. If this happens again, move on as your opinion and happiness is not much of a concern for her. Good luck, Grumps Thank you, I do agree with you, It would be a much more serious thing if we were say, 5-10 years older than what we are. She promised me that she will control her drinking when she is out with friends, I explained how I feel and that if she thinks getting wasted is more important than the safety and love of our relationship, then it is over. She agreed and promised to control her drinking and stay away from any guys that come near her, she is good at fending them off but this one time I guess she was out of her mind on weed and booze that the guy just kissed her and it happened, mistakes were made and I should forgive her this one time, I warned her that if something similar to this ever happens again, I will leave no matter how much she is remorseful, because there is no second chance when it comes to this. 1
LuckyRed Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 First I think that you need to look inside yourself and figure out what you consider to be cheating. Ask yourself if this incident is a part of that definition. Once you have figured that out, you then have to decide if this is something you can move past. Are you going to be able to let this go? Or are you going to bring it up every time you two have a fight? If you think it is the latter, then you may want to end the relationship. If you choose to continue, you are bringing negative conflict into you relationship. However, if you can get past this incident then this can be considered the kind of conflict that helps a couple grow together. Luckily for you, your girlfriend was upfront and honest about what happened. Her honesty and willingness to discuss the drunken kiss indicates that this really may have been a one-time slip. Clearly she wants to work through this and is giving you as much information as possible so that you can make the right decision for you. Whatever you decide, honesty is key. Be sure to tell her how you feel about what she has done and how you will respond if something similar happens in the future.
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