melissag Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 I feel like the most selfish person on earth right now. Three weeks since H dropped the bomb (two more until he moves out) and I feel like all I do is think about myself and my woes, every minute of every day and all but an hour or two at night. I have trouble having feelings for anyone or anything else. Like when my friends tell me their troubles (i.e., I only got 6 hours of sleep last night, or my kid has lice, or they changed my flight time for my birthday trip, and now I need to change my whole itinerary), I feel like, "who cares about that? Your husband isn't leaving you. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat." Of course, thinking that makes me feel even more terrible, because I don't generally think of myself as a selfish or unsympathetic person. I get mad when other people are sad (like my family) because of this, because it just makes me feel guilty and I can't deal with another layer of painful emotions. I feel like almost everyone has their own interest in my problems and I resent it because I don't feel like I should have to make them happy by taking their advice, or going out somewhere when I don't want to, or whatever. I find myself constantly looking to see if people are wearing wedding rings, and feeling horribly jealous if they are, and pity for myself because I am no longer a member of that club. Even with my kids, I find it difficult to have the same patience and excitement that I usually do. I am praying that once we tell them, and they are hurting too, I will be able to shift from this selfishness to Mama Bear, but I am honestly afraid I won't be able to. Is this normal? Will it end soon? It's funny, being selfish typically brings some benefit to the selfish person, but in this case, being selfish is really just making it worse. I need to be able to think about other things and care about other people or I am going to go crazy. It's making me hate myself even more.
cif Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Your emotions are still very raw. Sometimes listening to other people's problems helps, but usually after the initial trauma is over. Your friends should be more courteous since you're still in the grieving period.. do what you need to feel better. 1
theothersully Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 That is not selfish. An important part of getting over divorce is taking care of yourself for a change, identifying what *you* want out of life and going for it. It's all about you and what makes you happy for a while. You can go back to being a giver after you have recovered. 1
Yasuandio Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 I am fully sympathetic to your situation. I was fortunate to have a friend (old colleage) that would even listen to me repeat my stories 15 times, and just listen, and be there. I would get scared and paranoid, and she would, and still does listen, and my divorce took four years to finish. That is a true friend. True and blue. I had to literally pull myself out of the habit of being so "needy.". As I knew it had to be a drain on her. I read the Calguy's Guide to NC, it is listed down the 1st page in the link of my signature line. I'm pretty sure this is where I read what I'm about to say. You are, understandably viewing your loss of you husband as much more significant as folks day to day concerns, as you should. But there is an alternate comparison you can make as well - that is where what I read in Calguy's comes in. At the end, he says, "go to a cancer ward and tell your problems to people that are about to take a dirt nap." That statement stuck with me. Things can always be worse. Losing my marriage thru the method I went through felt like having my arm slowly amputed. But I still have two good arms. There is always someone who has it worse than us, to be sure. Tell your closest friend that you are grieving - say it directly. Life is so fast paced - when people have jobs, families, activities, etc. Your friends just cannot stop to see. My friend was alone just like me - no responsibilities. I have another idea for you. You do not have to be a member, but the Methodist church will assign you a "Stephen's Minister.". They are not pressures - they are regular people, that want to help others in detress. One was assigned to me for a few years and she really made a difference in my life during the tough times. And I have a big sailor mouth - they take any lost sheep, believe me. I also recommend Church sponsored divorce groups - because they tend to be more organized and structured - rather coffee get-togethers, and chit-chat. I hope this helps. You are not selfish. Just in need right now. Yas 1
Author melissag Posted October 20, 2013 Author Posted October 20, 2013 Thanks for the responses. I have tried to tell myself that other people have it worse (at least my children are healthy and I am healthy!), and I get that, but it doesn't seem to help much. Maybe what I need to do is do some volunteer work like at a soup kitchen . . . I think it would help me gain a little bit of perspective, but maybe even more importantly, it would make me feel better about myself. Right now I feel pretty much like a piece of crap. This kind of rejection is pretty painful, and on top of that I do place a lot of the blame for this on myself. I also feel kind of hopeless at the moment, and I feel like a drain on my friends and family, all of which is just adding to my depression. So maybe doing something to help someone else will help remind me that I am a good person and not just a drain on others. Thanks for the church suggestions - I have nothing against religious people but I am not one, nor do I want to become one. Honestly, I think this might be easier if I was, and could pray and tell myself this is part of God's plan. Well, I could do that, but I wouldn't really believe it.
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