keydrick Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 This story is quite long so I will cut to the chase but providing enough information. I was with my wife for 5 years before i asked her to marry me. We are both 25 now and have been married for a little more than a year. My wife had gotten a new job 2 months after we got married and i started suspected weird behavior. She stopped paying attention to me and started with a horrible attitude all the time. I being a computer genius found out that my wife had been texting a random number a lot at work. I found out that the person she was texting was a co-worker. Its december now and the neglect continued to happen more and more. One night she stated that she was going to sleep at her grandmothers because we got in an argument but that just didnt seem like her so i found out were the person lived she was texitn and went to his house. I found my wifes car outside so i decided to knock on the door. There she was, on his couch and they were talking. She immediately left when she saw i was there and i told the guy to back off our marriage. The texting and late night calls continued and i couldnt take it anymore. She told me nothing was going on and deleted every text message they sent. They were sending more than 100 texts a day.... I caught her at his house multiple nights and i decided i was not going to take it anymore.. I left in january and got a apartment and she moved in with her parents. We did not legally seperate or get a divorce but took some time apart. During this time she would come over sometimes and everything was just weird... 4 months later i found out she was having an affair with this guy. She finally admitted to it after lying for months about it and finally told me they had sex and all this bull ****.... The ****ty part is, these sexting messages where when we actually lived together. I was so mad but i told her that if she stopped communicating with him and attempted to find a new job, i would take her back and try to forgive her and save our marriage I found her in countless lies. I got calls from her cousin saying she was at lunch with him and she would completely lie to my face when i asked her about this. It has been 5 months since i found out she cheated one me and she still will not look for a new job and i continue to catch her in lies abotu seeing him or talking to him at work... I keep asking her to either leave me or find a new job and she keeps saying she will look... She doesnt make alot of money so i dont see an issue with this. Moral of the story is, i cannot leave her because im so attached to her and love her so much but i am at an all time low the past 5 months and i cry everynight.. I dont want our marriage to end because i never wanted to get a divorce in the first place. I alwayys bring up divorce but she says she loves me and doesnt want me to leave her or get a divorce.. I know i probably she leave her but i just dont have it in me... Any advice would be greatly appriciated.. I know i left out alot of details but that is the majority of the issues.
ChooseTruth Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Sorry for your pain, there's many of us here who have been down that awful road. Honestly I think you should get through the pain of loss, and cut and run. She's handled this pretty badly. There are some wayward wives(WWs) who do a lot better job of affair recovery. Two biggies are: 1) Tell the whole truth from the start, otherwise how can you believe that she can be honest when it's hard? She failed her big time. You can't trust her. 2) Go no contact with the affair partner(AP) for life. This gives you peace of mind and removes temptation. She's failed here as well. Can you imagine what will happen if you have children with this woman, or if you had already had some?(have you?) The longer you support her without her working...the longer you have to do it after you divorce. I think you should go through your pain and get yourself out of the crazy situation. It will ruin you. You can't change her and if you try you'll only make things worse. There's someone out there who will truly love you for who you are and be faithful to you.
Criticality Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Wow! Sorry buddy. I feel for ya. But I'm going to be blunt. So basically you ignored her affair for four months, before she told you what was pretty obvious? The biggest problem isn't really the affair. Plenty of married couples work through an affair. The biggest problem is, that you completely ignored her affair (whether emotional or sexual at the time) and let your wife walk all over you. Just letting her screw another guy, and ignoring it? For months? That's kinda pathetic. Sorry. That's when she lost her respect for you, and realized that she doesn't even need to have the basic human decency of trying to hide her affair. She can do pretty much what ever the hell she wants to, and you either don't care enough to do anything about it, or lack the balls to do anything about it. Unless you're satisfied with the current situation, you have two basic choices. 1. Pack her stuff, throw her ass out and call a lawyer first thing Monday to get a divorce. Where she stays the night isn't neither your concern nor your business. 2. Get into cockulding and being a sissy. Cockulds are guys who get turned on by their wife having sex with other men. They usually either dont have sex with the wife, and either watch her while she has sex with other men, or please themselves when she tells them about it. They refer to themselves as cucks or sissies, and the guy doing their wife is called "the bull". (Yes, I'm serious. There are lots of forums for Cucks online.) If you can do this, I predict you'll have a very fulfilling marriage for many years to come. Unfortunately, that's also the only way you can get a fulfilling marriage in this case.
Author keydrick Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 I know you say I ignored her affair but she continued to tell me she was only friends with him and she lied constantly. I only found out they were lies when i actually got her to admit it. I was never certain but i had the feeling. I respect you being blunt with me and im sorry for sounding like a pussy or weak, it just sucks. Im torn because i love her so much and truly dont want to leave but i gave her so many chances to be better and stop lying.. Thank you for your post
Criticality Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 What exactly do you imagine you could do here? I assume you came here to get good advice, but what did you think that advice could be? "If she didnt stop the affair by her selves, you could try to ask her nicely!" What do you want the advice to be: You already know you should divorce her, so did you come here in the hopes that somebody could tell you what you can do to save your marriage? Cause that ship sailed 9-10 months ago.
Author keydrick Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 Im just a wreck and just want to make sure my feelings are not crazy. No i really do appreciate your advice. It does help to here it from others because i do not talk to this with anyone. Again thank you so much for your quick replies
Criticality Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 I know you say I ignored her affair but she continued to tell me she was only friends with him and she lied constantly. An affair doesn't have to be sexual. In some cases, like this: It's an emotional affair. And of course she lied. What did you expect her to say "I'm super attracted to a guy in the office, and spend a lot of time with him outside of work cause I have a crush on him?" Did you tell her you were uncomfortable with it? That the next time she lies about it, you'll end the marriage? That's about the only thing you could have done to save your marriage. It's not an unusual expectation of a husband, that a wife doesn't hang out with a male friend all the time outside of work. Im torn because i love her so much and truly dont want to leave but i gave her so many chances to be better and stop lying.. Thank you for your post Well, if you can get into being a cuckold and stay with a woman who has sex with other men, then by all means stay. Whatever floats your boat. If you don't, sorry but its too late to save the marriage, and clearly she doesn't love you. At least not enough to be a wife, and probably not in the romantic sense at all. And why does she stay then? Why not? You take care of the bills, and she has a roommate that helps clean the house etc. while she goes out, spends time with her boyfriend and has sex with him. It's a win win situation for her, why would she want it to change? What does she say about it when you talk? Has she expressed any willingness to stop it at all?
Author keydrick Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 Yeah she says she doesnt talk to him anymore or see him. Other day though i asked her if she saw or talked to him she said no.. then it was she heard he was in the office... then she saw him but didnt talk to him.. so yeah shes lieing like crazy.. She said she lied because she " didnt want to hurt me ".. But my concern here is that she will not look for a " new " job when i asked her too.. I told her it makes me uncomfortable that there is a chance she will see him at work and she told me she would get a new job but she hasnt looked once in 4 months... She then told me i need to just get over it because she doesnt care abotu him anymore. She told me i just need to get over the affair and move on. Its just hard when i know there is a chance she can see him at work
Criticality Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Anyways, bottom line: 1. She doesn't love you, like you love her. 2. She probably doesn't even respect you anymore. 3. She has no reason to change the current arrangement. 1&2 both fall under: Tough titties. But it happens to everybody who's ever been in a relationship that has run its course. You will find somebody else who loves you back and respects you. 3 won't change anytime soon. Probably not till her boyfriend asks her to marry him. That's why it falls to you to change the situation. This weekend, or at Monday when she's at work, pack her stuff, leave it outside the door, and tell her its over. Call a lawyer and set up an appointment to talk divorce. When she finds her suitcases packed, she might try to weasel her way in. Not cause she loves you, but because she finds your house comfortable. You don't want to talk about it, don't "take awhile to think things over" or leave the house yourself to stay with some friends or some shirt like that. No. Just tell her its over, and to leave your house. Heck, change the locks if you have to. All the time to "think things over" passed over half a year ago. Don't feel bad for her, she has a boyfriend she can stay with. You don't. That's why you stay in the house, it's only fair.
Author keydrick Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 Thank you for your response and advice. Im actually happy to hear the hard truth about the situation. I have been living in denial of this for so long and i really need to sack up because its her loss not mine.. Thanks again Crit
Criticality Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 And yes, she's probably lying. Even if it is in the past, that relationship is just too broken. Marriages can be repaired, and you can get over an affair. But only if the other part shows genuine remorse, and the fact that she hasn't even looked for a job or done anything to put you at ease, shows you that she doesn't care. Genuine remorse isn't: "Oh yeah, I'll look for a job. I promise! I might see him at work, but who cares, it's in the past! By the way going out tonight! Don't wait up! With who? Or just a couple of girlfriends from work you don't know about." Genuine remorse is: "Whatever you want me to do to show that I love you and believe in our marriage, I'll do. I'll find another job, and if you want me to call in sick tomorrow and give them my resignation at the same time, I'll do that. I'll do anything to save our marriage, and I think we should both start marital counseling and individual counseling for me at least." Don't get me wrong, Im not much of a believer in staying with one person the rest of your life. It can be done, but its not easy, and infidelity can be a real risk for most marriages. Infidelity doesn't even have to end the marriage in all cases. But in this one it should. Not so much because she slept around, but more because of the fact that her actions throughout most of your marriage, shows that she neither loves not respects you. If she's like this now, how do you think she'll be after 3 or 6 years?
Criticality Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Stay strong buddy, you can do it, and you need to be strong. There's an awesome woman waiting for you, and you can find a woman who loves and respects you back. You deserve better, and you will do better. 1
Criticality Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 He needs to work on himself first. He has incredibly low self-esteem. Agreed. But first he needs to dump the broad. Having a woman cheat on you for that long and be in that kind of relationship can't do much for your confidence.
klotzak Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 This is a joke right? You are letting yourself be walked over. Immediately file for divorce, get some counselling and look up the words 'self respect' in the dictionary. You are in love with a dream, not this person - who does not care about you, and is probably laughing about how much you take from her in terms of indignity.
harrybrown Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 She has shown no remorse, has not stopped the affair, she has never told you the entire truth. File for divorce, and go NC with her. Do the 180, hit the gym, and get her out of your life. She is a cheating lying blank. Get her out of your life now.
bubbaganoosh Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Moral of the story is, i cannot leave her because im so attached to her and love her so much but i am at an all time low the past 5 months and i cry everynight.. There is the problem right there. "I cannot leave her because I'm so attached to her so much". She knows it. With that being said, she knows that she has a free hand in cheating to her hearts content because she knows you'll do nothing about it. Oh yeah, she will tell you that she loves you because she knows that's what you want to here and that keeps you in place. It's the best of both worlds for her and as along as it stays status quo, it doesn't matter if your hurting, just don't upset her routine. Now you have two choices. Someone mentioned that she's cuckolding you and he explained to you what it meant. In other words, she has absolutely no respect for you and no regards for your feelings. You can stay this way if you want and live a truly miserable life and be the fool that she wants. The second choice is move on. Hire an attorney, file for divorce and hand it to her or better yet, have her ass served while she's at work. Pack her stuff up, kick her out and get on with your life. Why do you feel like you deserve this kind of treatment? By accepting empty words and promises you get nothing but misery and disrespect. Time for you to find your back bone and call an end to this. If not, I wouldn't walk a mile in your shoes for all the tea in China. The choice is yours and if you make the right one by getting rid of her, I promise that soon after you'll be saying to yourself that you should have don this a long time ago. 1
Bryanp Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 1. Get Tested for STD's 2. Find an attorney now and file for divorce How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure. You do not have a marriage and she has constantly played you for a fool. Your actions indicate that she is correct. If the roles were reversed would she accept this from you? You have been married on a year and all of this happens? You know that there were times that you had sex with her after she had been with him. IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? 1
Criticality Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Now you have two choices. Someone mentioned that she's cuckolding you and he explained to you what it meant. In other words, she has absolutely no respect for you and no regards for your feelings. You can stay this way if you want and live a truly miserable life and be the fool that she wants. Hey now, if it turns out he IS a cockold, it wouldn't be a miserable life, it would be a fantasy come true! I didn't think it really did exist until I came across their forums, you wouldn't believe to what degree they plan and plot to make their wife sleep with another guy. Every other thread there is pretty much about "How can I make my wife sleep with another man?!?" Or "How to take the next step? I want my wife to get a boyfriend!"
road Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 keydrick, Being you are young, no kids, no financial entanglements it is best that you divorce your WW. However if you want to save your marriage you need to stop being a doormat. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. In that book you will learn how to fight her affair. 1
Criticality Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 (edited) Cuckolding is from men who have deep-seated insecurity, low self-esteem, and emotions covered in cement. Take away those things and whatever causes them. Ask them what they want. Not going to be a cuckold would be their response. Actually most of them seem to be academics, intellectuals and business people. Quite a few veterans too. Granted, that doesn't mean that none of them have problems with self esteem, but I doubt it is the primary reason. I think it's how powerful and addictive it is. Jealousy and fear are incredibly strong emotions. Combine that with sex and you get an explosive cocktail. Childhood experiences and early trauma can also have something to do with it. Walking in on the parents having sex, could possibly plant the seeds for it, if its a sensitive boy with a strong bond with his mom. Edited October 20, 2013 by Criticality
ChooseTruth Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 (edited) OP if you are still reading this thread, don't beat yourself up for any level of "blind" trust. BSs are super blind to what is right in front of their faces all the time, especially those of us that just can't conceive of ever acting like that ourselves. Trust is a basic foundation of a relationship. Unfortunately in this case you did have to wake up to reality and your view will of life will probably never be the same....but my point remains. Don't blame yourself or feel guilty for letting things go too far. It was HER responsibility to be faithful and honest. You are her husband not her father. The relationship won't last if you have to be both. Be glad you found out so early, you can now find someone who won't ruin your life 15 years from now when you have half grown kids. This woman you married just last year, not the right one. [EDIT] I kinda wish LS would filter the word "Cuckold" from posts in the infidelity board...it's usually used in an abusive manner against hurting BSs desperate to save their marriages.[/EDIT] Edited October 21, 2013 by ChooseTruth
RAN65 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Moral of the story is, i cannot leave her because im so attached to her and love her so much but i am at an all time low the past 5 months and i cry everynight.. I dont want our marriage to end because i never wanted to get a divorce in the first place. I alwayys bring up divorce but she says she loves me and doesnt want me to leave her or get a divorce.. I know i probably she leave her but i just dont have it in me... Any advice would be greatly appriciated.. I know i left out alot of details but that is the majority of the issues. You cannot leave her because you are a " DOORMAT " & you want to "RUG SWEEP THE AFFAIR ". Come on Man you are only 25, the world does not end with her for you, there is a lot of time & lot of quality people waiting for you out there. Divorce her look for somebody good. All the Best.
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