Every OW who say actions speak louder than words....

[LilGirlandOW]

I would love to debate this topic.

 

What would these actions include?

 

The streets art LGOW in me strongly feels like these actions are possibly crap that probably was planning on happening or would have happened no matter what.

 

The ONLY real action that speaks louder than words is MM and BS separating, right? Like living apart, and making you the only woman not the other woman.

 

Agree or disagree?

 

I'm digging deep to try to understand what possibly these actions could be that prove a MM is eventually going to be yours and he's not absolutely future faking?

 

I could be wrong, as I've never been future faked what so ever by my MM, so I wasn't collecting "actions" in hopes of us being together, when he is in his own place that's the only action I will accept as us having a real future. Don't get me wrong I love him to death, and hope it all works out for us and we can share a future.

 

I can't honestly think of a single "action" other than crap that happens during an actual separation, that both MM and BS are privy to.

[bentleychic]

I think if they can prove that they are moving towards a divorce or separation, those are good actions.

 

I'd give examples in my situation, but I'm totally not comfortable doing that at this point in time. However, I am seeing proof (and not just from MM's word) that things are progressing in the right direction and that's good for me right now as it's following the time frame that he's told me all along.

[LilGirlandOW]

Fair enough to not share particulars, but what's an example, like;

 

Is buying a new vehicle separate from the BS an action?

Buying a second home?

Starting a new job?

Getting your wisdom teeth out?

 

I just am trying to understand what to look for as these actions? Cause obviously the above could have happened no matter what, it as the OW what actions aside from a physical moving should I look for as an action?

 

I've just never understood this

[LilGirlandOW]

I think if they can prove that they are moving towards a divorce or separation, those are good actions.

 

Like. Pre-seperation agreement signed by the BS? I'm trying to understand how a MM can prove this.

[Got it]

At the stage that you are at, I wanted to see and saw:

 

1. open and honest communication

2. Separate household

3. Separate time with the kids/a visitation schedule.

4. IC

5. Getting personal items from home

 

 

Then I wanted to see and saw:

 

1. Visits with an attorney

2. Working on separation agreement and property distribution

 

 

I really didn't care who filed first or some of the other items discussed here. I wanted to see actions towards separate lives and I didn't expect things over night. We are not in a state where one can immediately divorce anyway so immediately filing doesn't really matter, living separately does.

 

I know, for myself, I was very done with the marriage but I didn't rush to file. There was really no driving need to do so. Everything that matter was done just didn't wrap up the paperwork. There was no question that my ex and I were done for both of us. We just didn't push things until he wanted to remarry and that was going to cause issues.

 

If you are okay with whatever is going on, then its fine. If you aren't okay with things then discuss it with him. You will get a lot of armchair quarter backing on discussion boards. Take what you need and leave the rest.

[cocorico]

From my own experience, I'd suggest the following:

 

Spending increasing amounts of time with the AP rather than the BS, including "important" days like birthdays, valentine's day, Easter, Christmas, etc, going away on holiday together for longer periods, involving AP increasingly in "normal" daily life.

 

Telling others (friends, family, kids, and ultimately the BS) about the R, and about plans to be together, introducing AP to others (friends, family, colleagues) as partner.

 

Separating finances, if they are not already separate.

 

Finding somewhere else to live, moving out, selling up the marital home or agreeing a buy-out.

 

Filing for D, agreeing a financial settlement, finalising D.

[LilGirlandOW]

Expressing a desire to increase time spent together.

 

This seems like words more so than actions to me. I love how happy you are are with your man Nunya. You seem like a very confident and street smart girl. Not clouded by any A fog. I wish you the best xoxo

[Tullyseptember]

Actions taken to proceed with separation and divorce that stand out are the ones that would ensure the children's emotional well being are looked after, as an individual you take each day as it comes and process the end of the marriage as you are able. Seek counselling for assistance with issues that contributed to issues within yourself and what may have been present in the relationship that prevented an healthy environment. To strive to co-parent as parents and not as a couple any longer.

 

At this point as hard as it may be to accept the relationship you had as an OW/OM is even further in the background as the divorce proceeds and the fall-out occurs. I don't mean to say life won't fall back up, because it will if the concentration is made to become healthy and to ensure the kids are feeling safe healthy and loved

[bentleychic]

Fair enough to not share particulars, but what's an example, like;

 

Is buying a new vehicle separate from the BS an action?

Buying a second home?

Starting a new job?

Getting your wisdom teeth out?

 

I just am trying to understand what to look for as these actions? Cause obviously the above could have happened no matter what, it as the OW what actions aside from a physical moving should I look for as an action?

 

I've just never understood this

 

Like. Pre-seperation agreement signed by the BS? I'm trying to understand how a MM can prove this.

 

I see you're being a bit facetious there, but truly how or what an OW/OM considers positive actions or actions towards a future together is totally an individual thing. I cannot tell someone whether they should consider X action to be proof that they are working towards a future with them. You (general) are the only one that can decide if your MM's/MW's actions are what you are okay/willing to put up with and whether or not it's proof that s/he's making a way to be with you or not.

 

I'm really not willing to share my specifics here at this time about my situation. Maybe some day.

[LilGirlandOW]

Fair enough.

 

It's just to myself and other OW's out there, a common theme of advice is of actions over words. I spend a lot of time wondering what these actions could be aside from moving into separate places. My MM is still not at that point, so I'm trying to not be naive or get my hopes up, but I always wanted a future with him.

 

Then I get thinking, my paranoia I suppose how do you decipher between actions taken to be with you(theOW, in general) and actions that were going to happen anyways.

 

Keeping in mind my MM was never a 'future faker', he always expressed his love, and made me feel like the only girl in the world. But the only action I could ever think of as reassurance that he and I would be together is him moving solidly into his own place, even that's still not. Guarantee.

 

All A's are different, but mine like 2 or 3 on this board is one where we

Live minutes from each other and have very close lives. Every action either of us take in general the other experiences or is closely apart of.

[LilGirlandOW]

I see you're being a bit facetious there, but truly how or what an OW/OM considers positive actions or actions towards a future together is totally an individual thing.

 

I'm really not willing to share my specifics here at this time about my situation. Maybe some day.

 

Do you have a general example of what an action could be, I'm brutally honest posting here, but I understand why others are more clandestine and I respect that.

[LilGirlandOW]

LOL maybe I'm just sitting on the brink of sanity, with my legs dangling over the edge. the talks of him leaving and all the organizing and planning, etc. really has me realizing that I don't want to be the OW, the other woman. I want to only accept a life as his OW, the only woman.

 

Seems like realizing that I want to be the only woman has me expecting actions around every corner, but aside from him finally moved I can't think of a single action I can accept, and that action still hasn't happened

 

I was happy as the other woman, until I wasn't and now I can't settle. This is odd cause my self esteem is crap, as somebody with no self esteem I should be happy with being a mistress, I just can't do that anymore, it's been a year, I deserve more.

[threelaurels]

It's just to myself and other OW's out there, a common theme of advice is of actions over words. I spend a lot of time wondering what these actions could be aside from moving into separate places.

 

I hope you are okay with me commenting on this, Lil. If not, just flag it for the mods.

 

When people talk about actions speaking louder than words, they are usually referring to contradictions in what MM tells the OW and what he is actually doing. For example, MM tells the OW how awful the BS is and how he can't stand being around her... only to go off on a weeklong vacation with just the two of them. In that example, the contradiction is rather obvious. If someone really could not stand being around their wife, they wouldn't go on a romantic getaway with them.

 

As a whole, I think the one of the most common contradictions that people harp on is when the MM tells the OW how much he wants to be with her but lists reasons why he can't D that make it obvious he hasn't even done any research on what leaving the BW might involve. For example, telling the OW that the BW will take all his money or take the kids away from him. Had they at any point met with a D attorney to discuss options, they would know that both of these things are not true.

 

Similarly, if an MM uses the excuse that they want to wait until the kids are older, they obviously haven't even done research on how D effects children. Had they done that, they would know that the overwhelming majority of research suggests that the older children are, the worse they handle the D and the more affected by it they are.

 

I don't think anyone expects D to be easy or to happen quickly, but all OW who want to be with in exclusive LTRs with their MM should expect their MM to meet with a D attorney. A D attorney is the only one who can tell MM how long, difficult, and expensive D would be in their scenario. If they don't at least make that initial first step, they are just making excuses for not leaving and probably don't have the intention of ever seriously doing so.

 

Hope that helps

[LilGirlandOW]

Very well said threelaurels. I do so much love your insight, makes a lot of sense

[Got it]

LOL maybe I'm just sitting on the brink of sanity, with my legs dangling over the edge. the talks of him leaving and all the organizing and planning, etc. really has me realizing that I don't want to be the OW, the other woman. I want to only accept a life as his OW, the only woman.

 

Seems like realizing that I want to be the only woman has me expecting actions around every corner, but aside from him finally moved I can't think of a single action I can accept, and that action still hasn't happened

 

I was happy as the other woman, until I wasn't and now I can't settle. This is odd cause my self esteem is crap, as somebody with no self esteem I should be happy with being a mistress, I just can't do that anymore, it's been a year, I deserve more.

 

This right here is key and this is what you need to be focusing on with yourself. You are constantly living outside of yourself, looking at him and you need to here. Why you say you have no self esteem, why you think you should . . . whatever based on that, and why you keep trying to pigeon hole yourself based on these beilefs. I was a mistress. I didn't have low self esteem prior to it, during or afterwards. I was happy for the most part while I was a mistress. Why? Because I have the relationships the way I want them, where they meet my needs and are fulfilling for me. So regardless of the relationship title, what is important is the above for me and that is what I guide myself by.

 

So, again I advise you, get into IC and start working on you as well. You want to be healthy mentally and emotionally to move your relationship to the next phase and not living in the past or in your head. Because if you don't like you, if you have poor self esteem, if you feel inadequate you will never be content or happy in this relationship because you aren't with yourself.

[BrokenPrincess]

Then I get thinking, my paranoia I suppose how do you decipher between actions taken to be with you(theOW, in general) and actions that were going to happen anyways.

 

 

This actually sounds like something different is bothering you than whether your MM is truly leaving. Because it sounds like he is, their M is dead, and he's actually taking the next steps very quickly.

 

I think what's eating at you is whether he's leaving for you/chose you etc because his separation seems so driven by his W. And that although he wants to be with you in this new life, he wasn't the one to actually make the initial decision to end the M.

 

Is that more of what you're thinking about late at night?

[bentleychic]

Like I said, it depends on YOU what is important to you to show you that it's progressing towards leaving. Whether that's separating finances, buying/renting/building a house elsewhere for one of them, papers drawn up, etc.

 

Of course, even with that, even if it seems like a SURE sign that they're leaving, it still doesn't necessarily mean it's a sure sign that they are leaving and plan to be with us, but again, that's up to us to decide what we're willing to wait for or IF we're willing to wait until they put a ring on our finger/move in/make it public, etc., etc. (Whatever you require to be sure that he's truly WITH you.)

[LilGirlandOW]

No I think it's great that she's as excited about the seperation as he is.

 

My whole thing about the action's is that before I never gave much thought about it, I was happy with our R, sure I was/am the mistress, but he always made me feel like his only woman. So I never pushed for or looked for or expected actions towards him leaving her, to be with me full time.

 

Now that their seperation is in full swing and he's moving out it got me thinking had I been expecting actions, what aside from him moving out would I accept as an action to keep me satisfied. Everything I could think of would also fall under the "could have happened anyway" category.

 

So I suppose this thread is based on curiosity mostly.

 

He always showed me he loved me, adored me, and is in awe of me. That's all I ever needed from him.... But that love, which is amazing and fulfilling isn't an action toward leaving his current M, leaving is current M is the sole action I could come up with.

[LilGirlandOW]

 

I think what's eating at you is whether he's leaving for you/chose you etc

 

Is that more of what you're thinking about late at night?

 

He's always chosen me, he's not leaving for me, he's leaving for the sake of his children, so they don't have to endure the conflict, bear witness of their loveless M... All which was issues happening long before we met.

 

And on the contrary, I'm happy he's not leaving for me, because if we don't work out as a couple *knock on wood* I won't feel guilty leaving our relationship as I had nothing to do with their M demise. They were the textbook co-habitating "staying for the kids" relationship.

[LilGirlandOW]

Lil, I thought he had found a place and moved out, and had bought furniture. Did that not happen? Are you saying he's back at home?

 

Yes it's happening

[Wayne696]

 

 

Similarly, if an MM uses the excuse that they want to wait until the kids are older, they obviously haven't even done research on how D effects children. Had they done that, they would know that the overwhelming majority of research suggests that the older children are, the worse they handle the D and the more affected by it they are.

 

.

 

Hope that helps

 

 

Do you have any links you can provide to that research?

[Phoe]

I would love to debate this topic.

 

What would these actions include?

 

The streets art LGOW in me strongly feels like these actions are possibly crap that probably was planning on happening or would have happened no matter what.

 

The ONLY real action that speaks louder than words is MM and BS separating, right? Like living apart, and making you the only woman not the other woman.

 

Agree or disagree?

 

Mostly agree.

 

 

There are a handful of related actions that lead up to the action of separating, but until the separation happens, those related actions can still be taken back.

 

 

Until my AP moves out and breaks up with his girlfriend, we will be NC.

 

 

He has taken smaller actions that are important... packing up a uhaul and moving the majority of his stuff back to his old place, having a serious conversation with his girlfriend about the fact that he is moving out, there's no negotiating, and it's a done deal.

 

 

Naturally I don't expect him to have a "i'm breaking up with you following the move out" conversation. Haha.

 

 

But until the move out happens and he truly ends it, the actions leading up to it can be taken back. He can uhaul his stuff back down. He can change his mind.

 

 

Realistically, he could move out, dump her, and STILL change his mind. Lately I have definitely had this crazy fear of me and him getting together, then he just changes his mind and goes back to her. It's crazy and not realistic, but it's a cause of anxiety for me.

 

 

Then again, the option of him never leaving at all and me and him never speaking ever again is a cause of anxiety.

 

 

I'm a mess...

[LilGirlandOW]

Phoe,

 

I feel the exact same anxiety.

 

Then at the same time, I express a little of the worry and he more than reassures me that he and her both are confident about the D, and he's always excited to share with me "proof" of everything progressing. I still play the "what if" game in my head. I try to keep it under control so I can be the support he needs right now.

[cozycottagelg]

I really want to see you and your MM together. I think you've always had a really great outlook on your situation.

 

I can't relate to your situation directly, but as a women who is very unhappy in her marriage and who wants so desperately to get out of it, I will tell you, it's hard. My husband wants no part of a divorce, which makes the whole thing even trickier.

 

I know you don't want to be the OW much longer, but please hang in there. These things take time. I hope everything works out for you!!

[ForeverHopeful1]

He's always chosen me, he's not leaving for me, he's leaving for the sake of his children, so they don't have to endure the conflict, bear witness of their loveless M... All which was issues happening long before we met.

 

And on the contrary, I'm happy he's not leaving for me, because if we don't work out as a couple *knock on wood* I won't feel guilty leaving our relationship as I had nothing to do with their M demise. They were the textbook co-habitating "staying for the kids" relationship.

 

So he was staying for the kids and nw hes leaving for the kids. Maybe its me who doesnt understand. Its neither here nor there now, but does this man know his head from his butt?