drifter777 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 For me, like most BH's, it's the sex. The thought of her with OM makes me sick and always will. The fact that our relationship is no longer special. That she freely gave away what she promised she would never share. No matter how much time passes there is a part of me that will hate that part of her forever. 3
Raena Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 For me right now it is first and foremost the lies. The fact that he looked me straight in the face and lied to me over and over again. Next is the fact that when he was feeling sad and lonely, he cut me out and chose to go to her. He cut me off and then used that as an excuse to cheat. Blamed me for not paying attention when the reality was, I did try to talk to him but he brushed me off... and went to her instead. After that it is the fallout of the truth of what really happened and what does the future hold... did they sleep in my bed together, how many times did he sleep with her and then sleep with me. What did he tell her about me. How many lies did he tell her about what an "awful" person I supposedly am? How is it that this person who doesn't even know me, knows all these intimate details about my relationship with my significant other. Am I going to have to deal with this person in the future? Is he going to stay with her... and if he does, will I have to let my child go spend time with her? Tons of questions about what will happen. But mostly... it's the LIES that were completely unnecessary. All he had to do was come tell me he didn't want to be here anymore and I would have been sad, but told him to go. That was our agreement when we decided to try and be parents together. He promised to never, ever, cheat again. He promised to talk to me when he was feeling upset instead of rug sweeping. He went back on his promises and now I feel dirty, used, walked all over, embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted, humiliated and scared for my child's future
drifter777 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 For me right now it is first and foremost the lies. The fact that he looked me straight in the face and lied to me over and over again. I know this is true for many BS's but it makes no sense to me. I mean did we really think they were going to tell us about their screwing around? I guess I'm just different than most. I don't blame the OM because my slut wife offered free pussy and I don't expect any young, single man to turn that down. And she lied to me about a lot of things and still withholds details to "protect" me but none of that matters compared to the act of cheating.
Confused48 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I know this is true for many BS's but it makes no sense to me. I mean did we really think they were going to tell us about their screwing around? Why not? Lots of people have the integrity to say, its over, I'm going away. I don't blame the OM because my slut wife offered free pussy and I don't expect any young, single man to turn that down. Really Drifter? It is that simple? She saw him and said, wanna screw? If so then I agree no guilt for the AP. I think that usually there is more to it than that. Most cases there is pursuit and knowledge that you are pursuing something you (cheater AP) should not be pursuing. AP's with no guilt are sociopaths. Seen a few posting even on this side of LS. Most humans recognize that pursuing a married person is wrong. You don't agree?
Raena Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I know this is true for many BS's but it makes no sense to me. I mean did we really think they were going to tell us about their screwing around? I'm not talking about lying about the act of screwing the other person, I'm talking about lying straight to my face about the nature of our relationship. Why tell me how much he loved me and wanted to get married and how happy he was when he really wasn't. That's what I have issue with. Why NOT just walk away from a relationship you are unhappy with? Why sneak around and lie to be with another woman when he knew darn well that when I found out it would be the end of us. Why does anyone do it? I don't understand it. I really don't. I've never cheated, I never will. I'd try to fix the problems if I could or walk away if I couldn't, not go get satisfaction from another man while still with the first one. It just doesn't make sense to me. Maybe in your case you don't blame the other man... but in my case I feel like the OW played just as much of a role in this as my WS did. Her bunny boiler behavior afterwards convinces me that she AND he had the same mindset... "oh well, they won't find out, we'll make "rules" that say that we won't ever fall in love and we'll never leave our families, who cares if the very act of what we are doing is vile and disgusting, it's exciting so lets do it, they don't get us anyway, let's just lie to them and have our fun", but when the "fun" was over and she fell in love with him and he told her he didn't feel the same way, she decided she would make MY life a miserable living h.e.l.l. So yeah... it was just as much her fault as his. He isn't all to blame here, he didn't force her to sleep with him. They are BOTH equally at fault. 2
ChooseTruth Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I know this is true for many BS's but it makes no sense to me. I mean did we really think they were going to tell us about their screwing around? I guess I'm just different than most. I don't blame the OM because my slut wife offered free pussy and I don't expect any young, single man to turn that down. And she lied to me about a lot of things and still withholds details to "protect" me but none of that matters compared to the act of cheating. I think a marriage can survive cheating, but the lies destroy trust. Now you aren't sure of up from down. Everything is called into question. That's why I said the lies are the most damaging thing. I think the cheating is more painful honestly, the damned mind movies, how it hurts my daughter... that stuff tore my insides out. You want to heal all that so bad, but the lies make it so you are performing surgery on yourself in pitchblack...no worse than pitch black...with glasses on that mimic reality but change the locations of everything. Good luck on healing that wound, even if it's a small cut! It'll now fester and infect your entire body because you don't even know where to put the antiseptic. 1
drifter777 Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I think a marriage can survive cheating, but the lies destroy trust. Now you aren't sure of up from down. Everything is called into question. That's why I said the lies are the most damaging thing. None of us are right or wrong on this subject, we just see things differently. My case is unique to me and I feel the way I feel. If someone is going to cheat they aren't going to announce it to their spouse so the whole thing always starts with a lie. Lying is the cornerstone of the cheater - a game that makes it all more exciting - and I don't blame the game, I blame the player. For me it's the act of cheating that is the root of all the lies so that's where the blame lies. But that's just me... 1
ChooseTruth Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 None of us are right or wrong on this subject, we just see things differently. My case is unique to me and I feel the way I feel. If someone is going to cheat they aren't going to announce it to their spouse so the whole thing always starts with a lie. Lying is the cornerstone of the cheater - a game that makes it all more exciting - and I don't blame the game, I blame the player. For me it's the act of cheating that is the root of all the lies so that's where the blame lies. But that's just me... You said , referring to lying: I know this is true for many BS's but it makes no sense to me. I mean did we really think they were going to tell us about their screwing around? so I was explaining. I don't even necessarily think our view points are that far apart. I think the cheating part is the more painful thing. Though I think it's interesting how your comment conflicts with something my aunt said the other day. She said cheating starts with the willingness to lie. Your last statement says that lies come from the cheating. Maybe it depends on the cheater. You stayed with your wife, maybe you trust her and found the lies were not the norm. You however still ache from the cheating. I left my wife deciding the lies were the norm and I could never be secure in that relationship again. 2
Latte Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 If you are a bs, what was/is the worst part about it? How did you overcome that? That they (he and the OW. I know the OW personally) took complete advantage of my trust and faith in them. That they could be part of everything in my life including our child's and be deceiving me at the same time. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust like that again. The lies. The lies to me and the lies to her about our marriage. I don't know if I am going to overcome it. The pain is still too much right now. 3
serial muse Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I think a marriage can survive cheating, but the lies destroy trust. Now you aren't sure of up from down. Everything is called into question. That's why I said the lies are the most damaging thing. I think the cheating is more painful honestly, the damned mind movies, how it hurts my daughter... that stuff tore my insides out. You want to heal all that so bad, but the lies make it so you are performing surgery on yourself in pitchblack...no worse than pitch black...with glasses on that mimic reality but change the locations of everything. Good luck on healing that wound, even if it's a small cut! It'll now fester and infect your entire body because you don't even know where to put the antiseptic. Yeah. I'm not sure if I would have forgiven my exH's physical cheating or not...but it was the realization that I just fundamentally couldn't trust him, ever - that he was never going to be able to be truthful with me, and that I would never really know him - that caused me to ultimately walk away. The physical cheating was painful and sharp, but the lying was damage that persisted for years, long after he and I were divorced. I would wake up in the middle of the night realizing that X was never true, that while Y was happening he was actually off doing Z, that he must have told her things about us that were supposed to be private and shared between us only, etc. etc. That's the stuff that sent me into therapy for years. I doubted myself, my judgment, my attractiveness, my lovableness - not because of the physical cheating (although that definitely sucked too) but because my entire reality had been upended, every day brought new revelations of how wrong I was about everything, and I was just lost. This is why I find it kind of infuriating to read from WS and OP that "what the BS doesn't know won't hurt her/him". Ha. In the end, that's the very stuff that is the most painful and difficult to eradicate, by far. IMO, of course. 3
yellowmaverick Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 That they (he and the OW. I know the OW personally) took complete advantage of my trust and faith in them. That they could be part of everything in my life including our child's and be deceiving me at the same time. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust like that again. The lies. The lies to me and the lies to her about our marriage. I don't know if I am going to overcome it. The pain is still too much right now. I am sorry for your hurt. I have been where you are and I can tell you that the pain will lessen over time. If you are someone who holds honesty and fidelity highly, you will likely never understand how someone could be involved in an affair. 2
Latte Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I am sorry for your hurt. I have been where you are and I can tell you that the pain will lessen over time. If you are someone who holds honesty and fidelity highly, you will likely never understand how someone could be involved in an affair. Thank you very much. You are right. I don't think I will ever understand how someone could be involved in an affair. I have been reading left and right on these forums to at least try to see it from a different perspective so I can cope with how I am going to decide if I am going to end my marriage or try to save it. I have never cheated, not even when I was dating, and I don't know of any men around me (my father, brothers) who have either, so you are right. It's extremely difficult. Thank you for your kind words. 2
Author rumbleseat Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 What makes you think he did not tell her he loved her? Why does it matter ? (At least with respect to the ow behavior) Most relationships end at some point. It may be very painful, but people have to learn to let go. It's one thing to protect yourself from being hurt by that person again, but it's quite another to take all that out on someone who did nothing to you. I can maybe understand an ow being furious with a mm if he lied to her and made promises etc. that he didn't keep. It's quite another to take that extreme anger out on the bs, who did nothing to her, especially when it goes on for an extended period of time.
Spark1111 Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Why does it matter ? (At least with respect to the ow behavior) Most relationships end at some point. It may be very painful, but people have to learn to let go. It's one thing to protect yourself from being hurt by that person again, but it's quite another to take all that out on someone who did nothing to you. I can maybe understand an ow being furious with a mm if he lied to her and made promises etc. that he didn't keep. It's quite another to take that extreme anger out on the bs, who did nothing to her, especially when it goes on for an extended period of time. I don't even understand the lying.....on some level you AP wanted or needed to believe them. like I have stated over and over again....I was ONLY EVER one phone call away. No one called EVER...not even after DDay.
painfullyobvious Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 The lies and willful planning that went into betraying me. Also it seemed like everyone else knew for a time except me and no one bothered to tell me. After D-day the worst part was the mental images, the sleepless nights and her being upset that I was making her depressed with how I was handling her affair. After some time went by I was upset at myself for putting up with what I put up with to try and reconcile my relationship. I learned a lot about myself and what I will not allow in the future from that point on.
Spectre Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 For me the worst thing is the wasted life. This person cheated and did not confess for a long time, and I feel all the time I spent with her after that was just one big waste, precious years spent with a lying disrespectful person that I can never get back. Years that I could of been spending with someone who truly cared. I am not saying all relationships that do not work out are a waste, but if you cheat on someone and do not confess right away you are constantly making a fool of them and yes: all time spent in the relationship after the cheating IS time wasted. Life is short and how dare you do that to someone you claim to love.
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