rumbleseat Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 If you are a bs, what was/is the worst part about it? How did you overcome that?
HtotheN Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 (edited) If you are a bs, what was/is the worst part about it? How did you overcome that? The worst part was the lies. Knowing that he banged someone was hurtful but the betrayal cut like a knife. I got over him. I stopped putting a wishbone where my backbone used to be. I remembered what a badass I used to be and started being like that again. I even stand straighter these days. Most people "shrink" a little as they age but I am actually an inch taller now. Coincidence? I think not. Edited October 19, 2013 by HtotheN I forgot to put the worst part so I am going to add that. 10
underwater2010 Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 That while I was working myself to the bone making ends meet, he was busy chatting it up with some other woman. That while I was worried about my father having cancer and then dying he was chatting with some other woman. While I was pregnant with our third child he was still chatting with her. I realized that if he truly wanted to leave, he would have been gone before I was ever wiser. I focused on my wonderful children and myself. 1
Mamma Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 The lies and from this, my lack of belief that things will change and R is not just some kind of damage control.I havent overcome this yet. 1
whatatangledweb Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 The lies told straight to my face. The huge betrayal almost killed me. The sex hurt but no where near the lying. Time helped and him showing me true remorse and how much I meant to him . His actions afterwards helped me more than anything. It took time for me to believe he meant it though. 3
Furious Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 If you are a bs, what was/is the worst part about it? How did you overcome that? At first it was the shock of the lies and having to come grips with it. When I overcame it was when it dawned on me that a cheater had no place in defining my worth. My worth belongs to me and it is defined by me. 5
Journee Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 With each affair he has upped the ante. Each decision more disrespectful than the last. I used to think that the worst part was lost in the details. Now I know the worst part is realizing I don't love myself enough to completely cut and run. That I taught him I would accept infidelity as a scar across my heart. That I would accept exposure to God knows what. That I would accept the lies as "mistakes". These were perhaps the most deliberate moments of his life. That while I love him very much I cannot live like this. The worst part is saying goodbye to the life I had always wanted with him. The worst part is deep down thinking I'm not good enough. But the best part? My eyes are wide open. Wide the frick open. 6
dichotomy Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 In another thread I started - I mentioned some of the good things that came out of all this and there are some for me - big ones. But since you asked.... There were (and still are) many worst things in my head. Trying to boil it down to few worst thoughts/feelings I deal with That she will never be completely honest about those 3-4 years of her life. I know all about the rest of her life - but that time is still deeply hidden and will be till the end Up until Dday and for a long while afterwards, total lack of remorse. Remorse happened much later, after therapy, but it was/is modest and just enough for continuing on. That I am the husband she needed/should have, but he is the man she wanted. That i have or never will get her best intimacy, honesty, and desire ...like he did. That my own values on the significance of sex and love, cheating and honesty have lowered significantly. Kind of like we have "met in the middle" somewhere on these things. 2
bobwhite007 Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 The worst part has to be the lies. I never believed that she was capable of it. When you know the truth and you watch the person you thought would never decive you do it, it hurts. 5
unodos1011 Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 There was so much but I think it was that he constantly chose her and her feelings over mine. As if a double betrayal wasn't bad enough, he put no restrictions on her interactions with me. She sat at my table and we made baby shower invitations, we went out of town together, she dyed Easter eggs with us. It goes on and on, he wouldn't kiss me if she was around, he started fights and put me down like we never had anything between us when she was in the room. I can't wrap my head around that because obviously we were married, we had one toddler and got pregnant just before the A started. Obviously he had been in love with me at one time even if he denied that he was at the moment. Why **** on our entire past for someone he wasn't even sure about? That's the hardest for me. 2
dichotomy Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 She sat at my table and we made baby shower invitations, we went out of town together, she dyed Easter eggs with us. It goes on and on, he wouldn't kiss me if she was around, So sorry - I hate when the BS unknowingly hangs out or meets some how the OW/OM while WS is around. Its terrible. 3
ChooseTruth Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 To me there's to different things, the most painful thing and the most damaging thing. Most painful: The fear of how divorce would affect my daughter. This one just tore me up like nothing I could have ever imagined. Worst pain of my life hands down Most damaging: The lies. Once trust is gone and there's no way for them to prove they can tell the truth when it's hard...there's little hope for a relationship. You'll always be second guessing. Disastrous. Protecting us from pain by lying...doesn't work my friends. It only makes things so much worse. 2
Confused48 Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Most painful is that they were physically intimate. The ILU and etc were nothing compared to the pain of knowing they were naked together. That was / is what bonded us. How could WS do that to us?! It is not healed. It may never be. I also have in common with Dichotomy the lack of remorse thing. WS is never going to do this agian I'm sure. But not for me. WS would not bc it had such negative consequence for WS. I don't feel WS has significant remorse for hurting me. I might be biased about that though. Lol 2
katielee Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 That the person I loved most in the world didn't turn to me when he felt crappy. If that isn't the time when you need your spouse I don't know when is the right time. The fact that the person I loved most in the world degraded him self so much he'll never be the same. He sold himself to the devil. And he didn't have to. He must have felt so powerless and helpless, and I'm so sad for him... 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 One thing that comes to mind is that so much was given away so cheaply. The sexual intimacy, the trust, the marriage, self-respect, my sense of wholeness, etc was given away. All of this pain and destruction. For what? Fun. Given away to whom? A guy she only knew for a few months and hasn't seen since. We are both living and feeling the consequences of what happened 14 years ago. We've learn things that we would've never learned about ourselves, each other, and the world. I just wish that the cost wasn't so high. 6
road Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Easier to live without remorse as long as there is NC and the WW fully recommits to the marriage. Then to never get the truth to all that happened. 1
threelaurels Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 If you are a bs, what was/is the worst part about it? How did you overcome that? Not knowing if I will ever be able to trust someone in a relationship again. As far as overcoming it goes, I've made a lot of progress but I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust like I once did again. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing :/ 3
karma628 Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 The knowing that the person you love has the capacity to inflict so much pain for the chief concern of his own pleasure.
yellowmaverick Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 If you are a bs, what was/is the worst part about it? How did you overcome that? My answer changes daily, maybe hourly. I think the "worst" part is the "dirtiness" of it all - the lies, the screwing around, the complete disrespect and disregard for my life and my children's lives. It is all like a permanent stain that fades a little more each day, but will never truly be gone.
yellowmaverick Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 With each affair he has upped the ante. Each decision more disrespectful than the last. I used to think that the worst part was lost in the details. Now I know the worst part is realizing I don't love myself enough to completely cut and run. That I taught him I would accept infidelity as a scar across my heart. That I would accept exposure to God knows what. That I would accept the lies as "mistakes". These were perhaps the most deliberate moments of his life. That while I love him very much I cannot live like this. The worst part is saying goodbye to the life I had always wanted with him. The worst part is deep down thinking I'm not good enough. But the best part? My eyes are wide open. Wide the frick open. YES. ^^^^Saying goodbye to the life I thought we had and had worked hard to build for more than 20 years. Journee, I get how hard it is to walk away from your life with him. I struggle every day with the loneliness and heartache. Our cheating spouses have put us in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. 1
NotCamelot Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 The hardest thing to overcome for me was and still is the fact that she had sex with him. She told me lies about where she'd be so she could do that..... then on D-day swear that she did not mean to do it. And I think most betrayed husbands find that this is the hardest thing to get past. 3
Confused48 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 The hardest thing to overcome for me was and still is the fact that she had sex with him. She told me lies about where she'd be so she could do that..... then on D-day swear that she did not mean to do it. And I think most betrayed husbands find that this is the hardest thing to get past. I agree except with the gender part. I've seen plenty of BW here that find the physical part to be intolerable. I think it depends more on what bonded the couple to begin with than what their gender is.
whatatangledweb Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I have another one and it goes with the one about lying. It was the lies he told about me and our marriage. That hurt and pissed me off. I have never said a bad word about my husband to anyone other than straight to his face. And I would never lie about him. I asked him why he would make up lies about me and us...he just kept apologizing, but no good answer for it.
crederer Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 The cheating and break up for me wasn't even all that bad. It made it easy to move on vs in a relationship when you think it's going good and no cheating or major blow outs and the partner still wants out is hard to move on from. However, the worst effect this has had on me is now I have a lack of trust for women as her lies were so convincing. 2
Leaving Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 the worst part was losing the two people that was the only family i had and the possibility that WW could have gotten knocked up by another man.... I really haven't gotten over the betrayal yet what keeps me from falling back into the place i was in is that i live in the moment now just trying to enjoy life i'm still pretty young so love will come again someday... 1
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