almost 3 months after BU, still blaming myself for it. How to cope?

[kat1012]

My bf of 8 months dumped me at the beginning of August, because "we are comfortable but it doesn't mean it's going anywhere." and "I am getting obsessed with the relationship." He's my first bf, I really loved him and the first month really hurts, afterwards I felt much better. I don't feel sad anymore and I am used to being single again.

 

However, sometimes I still think about the break-up, esp the last month of the relationship. like looking for the first signs of him starting to doubt the relationship, what I've done that could have triggered him to start thinking about breaking up, wishing I've done things differently or haven't done/said this or that.

 

1 month before the BU, my friends all said that I should talk to him about "him from time to time play with his phone when we hang out, and sometimes for really long", even if he's being defensive abt talking and it sounds scary. In the end I did and he's pissed because he has mentioned he has nth to talk about and I ruined his weekend with drama, he can do whatever he wants and I shouldn't date and this is not fun. Things went back to normal and he's texting me everyday and initiating hang-outs for 2 weeks, though I did make some 1-2 line bickering through text which he said I need to relax twice during the week after the fight. After I initiated hanged out twice on third week, he became distant then on the fifth weekend, he broke up with me :/

 

I kept feeling so stupid for making us talk about that problem when he obviously isn't a guy who would like talk about relationship problems, and those bickering texts I sent. It's almost 2 and a half months already and I feel like this guilty feeling is gonna haunt me forever!

 

How long will this last? How to cope with it?

[h0000]

He is the guy who wouldn't talk about relationship problems? Then he isnt the guy to be your bf, or anyone's bf. He is selfish..Which couple dont talk about problems?

and who would break up with someone over phone manners? It sounds very weird to me..I would guess it's merely an excuse and he just doesnt love you anymore.

Getting obsessed with the relationship sounds like he isnt into you and doesnt want to be deeply involved and doesn't want you to be either. Sounds like he prefer something light and casual.

Anyway my point is..this BU is inevitable, and you didnt do anything wrong.

[J21]

Don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong, you were mature to try and talk about the relationship issues. It's not your fault he's not mature enough to talk about it.

 

I don't know how long your second guessing will last, but keep in mind that relationships are a two way street. It takes two people wanting it to work and grow. He obviously didn't feel that way so there is nothing you can do about that.

 

It seems like you're beating yourself about not bending over backwards for him. Well even if you did do that, you can only do that for so long until you feel empty and neglected yourself. Those kind of relationship come to an end inevitably.

 

Cheer up, there are plenty of other better guys out there.

[kat1012]

He is the guy who wouldn't talk about relationship problems? Then he isnt the guy to be your bf, or anyone's bf. He is selfish..Which couple dont talk about problems?

and who would break up with someone over phone manners? It sounds very weird to me..I would guess it's merely an excuse and he just doesnt love you anymore.

Getting obsessed with the relationship sounds like he isnt into you and doesnt want to be deeply involved and doesn't want you to be either. Sounds like he prefer something light and casual.

Anyway my point is..this BU is inevitable, and you didnt do anything wrong.

But then I realized he once told me he was having a bad week at work when we were texting, that's prob why he wanted a nice weekend without drama or "talking". But then he never talked about work unless I asked and he talked little about it when I did. I knew he's been hating for his job for a long time that he's been looking for a new one for quite some time, so I thought his bad week at work was just his ongoing hatred for his job. And I was having a bad week too and very upset with our issue so I failed to pick that up.

Well he got fired after that weekend (so that week really WAS bad), but when I asked if he's ok he said yes and if he want to talk about it, he said no.

[h0000]

ok let me ask you a question: would you dump your bf cuz of one bad week at work?

his feelings probably faded a while ago and the bad week is a trigger. I still dont think you could have done anything to prevent the break up.

[Mz_sassy_77]

Kat there is nothing you could of said or done differently. I know that when the majority of people BU they have been thinking about it for a long time and preparing for it a long time. By the time they do it there is absolutely nothing you can say or do that would change their mind.

 

You need a new mindset Kat. And I'm saying that because in another 3 months you dont want to be in the same situation. He's probably happy and going on with his life while your obsessing about the relationship still. It's not good for you.

 

Try to think about the things you didnt like about the relationship. There must be some. Focus on those. he wasnt a perfect person. And he left you kat. He's not worth your time or feelings.

 

You can spend the next 10 years obsessing about it but you will never know. He's the only one that knows the real reasons why. You are better off not knowing the real reasons because it would either be things you could do nothing about or its just how he feels - that you are not the one for him.

 

It will be ok. But you need to start moving on kat. Occupy your time with other things. Learn to love yourself so you dont care what he thinks you did or didnt do that made him decide to BU. You can do it. We've all been here and we've all hurt. Its the risk you take in love. you will recover from this and come out of it a stronger and wiser person.

[kat1012]

I am focusing more on myself now. I go out and have fun, hang out with my friends and spend more time with my family. Just that whenever I see something which could remind me of what I could have done wrong, like I love watching amazing race, and there are always couples which fight a lot, girls that are drama queen (he called me drama queen too when I bickered abt sth that he did which I found annoying) and then people will comment on how that girl is a biatch, and articles like what girls should avoid doing to their guys etc. These often trigger me, i love watching amazing race and dont want to quit it lol.

 

I am trying to learn from this. My friends were saying he's taking me for granted, Idk if it's true or just that the expectations were too high. Like whenever he asked to meet up, go somewhere with him, or help him to get or do sth, I will unless I really couldn't because of family matters or school, even if sometimes I did't really want to but I knew it would make him happy and so I still did it and never showed it. But when I asked him to do sth or go somewhere with me and he didnt want to he would ignore my question and suggested sth else like I've never voiced out my opinion. if I asked again, he would not say no nicely but would go with me then showed me an attitude or made it very clear that he really didnt want to and made me feel very uncomfortable that I wish I never asked. I was the one who had to travel an hour to go to his neighborhood since we always met at his area instead of mine, and from time to time he played with his phone games, sometimes for long when we were hanging out together and we met like 2-3 times a week. I never said anything because I didnt want to be controlling, but for his bday, I spent a lot of time, effort and money on it, and he ended up playing with his phone games for like 1.5 hours, I tried to hold him, get close to him and he's like "what?" and kept on playing, and in the end he didnt eat the cake I made him :/ I have nicely told him once that maybe not play phone games when we hanging out together, but then a few days later when we just sat down at a store waiting to be served, he immediately took out his phone and opened his game and looked at me saying "well we aren't talking." That kinda pissed me off, which led me to talk about his phone game problem that weekend and it didnt go well, and he thought I criticized him. The following weekend, he suggested doing sth, so I went to his place. At a point, he started playing with his phone games again, I chose not to say anything, I just took out my book to read, and he's like "why are you reading your book. let's do sth." I was like "oh I thought we aren't" then he put it down lol, then he asked me to look up the movie we wanted to watch.

But other than that he would see me when I asked to meet up, except when he had bday to go to (I usually asked him like in the morning or the previous day and his guys' night out are usually very last minute like when we were already hanging out, but i didnt ask to meet on friday that much), could this mean he's putting effort in the relationship and asking him to not playing with his phone when we hang out is too much?

Edited October 20, 2013 by kat1012