NoMoreJerks Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 (edited) This will be short & sweet. I was asked out to dinner and drinks by a male friend from my work... this is the second time we've gone out on our own, and this is rare for him -- he never does this with anyone else from work, usually goes straight home from work (well, at least he hasn't gone to dinner straight from work with anyone from work). He's the shy type and very awkward , so I am surprised he even managed to ask me to dinner (even if as just a friend). I don't usually date men from the workplace, but I am interested in exploring this a bit more to see where it goes.. but, I think he's not sure where I stand on this -- in other words, whether or not I think of him as a friend or think more of the fact that we're going out on our own for dinner.. and I feel the same way. I am not sure what his intentions are... if he's just being friendly or has more in mind. So I am just scared of flirting or and didn't hug , kiss or shake hands (LOL! do men and women do that after dinner ??!) when we left... but I don't want him to take that as a sign that I've friendzoned him or something. He suggested tonight that if I also work overtime after work we can maybe go to a coffee shop to work together.. I said I'd love that. I mean, this guy is just the perfect balance between casual and formal -- we've had drinks the first time, dinner and drinks the second time (today) (both times we split the bill / paid our own bill) and he suggested coffee shop hangout for some other time.. I was enthusiastic but didn't seem over-eager. I told him to call me. (He was also dressed up more formal than usual today, if that makes any difference? Also, both times, we spent 4+ hrs together, and it was never boring or anything like that. We're at very similar places in our lives, similar education levels, etc. ). A year ago, he wasn't even on my radar at all, because he was very shy and reserved and kinda a loner but he's since opened up especially around me. How do you go about this, without risking your friendship / avoiding workplace awkwardness ? I mean, I don't want to flirt too overtly with him, in case I was totally wrong in my perceptions of his behavior /interest. I've been known to misperceive interest levels / nature of a guy's interest in me, so I am really not good at this. I guess I could wait for him to make the next move, but I am wondering what I can do (at minimum) to make sure he doesn't think I've friendzoned him, and that I'd like to keep exploring this and go out more often with him? Edited October 19, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
deathandtaxes Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 I would avoid somebody at work. Just too much potential for awkwardness, gossip, etc, especially if things go south. But! Will he ask you out on a proper date? This guy sounds too passive. Either you ask him out or it may not happen at all.
Author NoMoreJerks Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 (edited) I would avoid somebody at work. Just too much potential for awkwardness, gossip, etc, especially if things go south. But! Will he ask you out on a proper date? This guy sounds too passive. Either you ask him out or it may not happen at all. What do you mean by a "proper date"? He already asked me out to dinner. Does he have to call it a "date" for it to be one? I don't get it. Also, I am usually reluctant to date workplace people -- and I am not sure if I am willing to go ahead with this even if he were really interested. I definitely am on two minds. But let's say I was -- how does one show interest and that the guy is not being friendzoned, without risking workplace awkwardness in case she's wrong? Edited October 19, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
deathandtaxes Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Did he pay your way? That's what I would call a proper date. If you two split it, I wouldn't call that a date. I call that dinner. But maybe I misread something.
jacg89 Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 I was in the same exact situation... friends (close friends!) with a guy for a year. I was really into him and was hoping he would make a move for the longest time. he never did and I felt like we were just going to be friends. Over the summer, we went to the beach and on the way back, I was not expecting it at all - he completely opened up about how he felt about me, and we started making out right there. still going strong. If its meant to be, it will be. no matter how shy he is, if he wants you bad enough he will make a move. you've already said that he's since opened up. maybe just give him some more time to get comfortable. it seems like you are not in a rush. To give him the 'hint' that you like him, spend more time with him. ask him what he is doing on his day off, text him every now and then... still as friends... but just show interest in him. good luck! 1
Author NoMoreJerks Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 (edited) I mean, I don't know -- he really has made quite the effort, considering what he usually is like. Maybe this wouldn't make sense in general, and maybe I am making excuses for him, but he is on the extreme end of shyness / social awkwardness and not the average introvert. I don't think the fact that he hasn't paid for both of us means that he's not interested , but who knows, I could be wrong. Maybe he's not sure what I think about the whole thing and is sending out feelers, by asking me out, and thinks that paying for the both of us is too risky as that would be too much of an overt sign of his interest? Who knows. I mean, we are not close at all, we barely talk, so why would he seek me out and want to go out with me? He's not the type who would be secure/confident enough to just try to get a shag, either.. And we're not friends in the close friend sense of the word. We barely spend any time together, even at work. Most days I don't even see him. *shrug* After we went out the first time, I just assumed it was just a friends thing -- and didn't really say/do anything or talk much with him between the first time we went out together and tonight's dinner.. He initiated tonight's dinner thing. Maybe he is just opening up and wants to make new friends, but I have a hard time explaining why he'd pick a female colleague over male ones, and me in particular.. maybe I am just reading too much into it though. I was actually interested in finding out more about this guy last year, but was frustrated about his loner behavior and his refusal to open up -- he'd be so nervous if I ever talked to him, that he'd just give me one word answers whenever I asked him what he was working on, or told him something about what I was working on. Then I lost interest and didn't really talk to him much and just saw him as another guy in the workplace not a potential date or whatever. Edited October 19, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
deathandtaxes Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Can you put up with that amount of passivity and shyness? In a woman, that wouldn't float my boat at all. But I guess people are different. I mean there's shy, and there's no effin clue about how people work bordering on mental disorders kind of shy.
Author NoMoreJerks Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 Can you put up with that amount of passivity and shyness? In a woman, that wouldn't float my boat at all. But I guess people are different. I mean there's shy, and there's no effin clue about how people work bordering on mental disorders kind of shy. Well, he's come a long way since I first met him, so I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, but if he goes back to the way he used to be, then no. But gotta give it to him, he really has put in a lot of effort to change in the past year, for whatever reason, and the fact that he even managed to break down that barrier and ask me out to dinner (even as a friend) is nice and shows that he's not afraid of change/opening up. Anyway, I don't really want a messed up person (I had enough of that for the past year) that I can then work on "fixing", so I'm treading carefully around this one.. *shrug* I'll just leave it and see what happens, I guess. If he ups the ante, then good for him -- I'll go with the flow. If not, no skin off my back. 1
Leigh 87 Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Been in your predicament. Keep it professional. If he's that interested he will make the move. In which case you would have to work out how to go about it at work. All guys that have been into me have made the move; all I had to do was be friendly and accept their invitations. 1
Criticality Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Just go out for the coffee date, and see where that takes you. It doesn't have to mean that much more than he enjoys your company, but after that you'll know more. Hopefully. Maybe.
Babolat Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Curious to hear what happened. I recently had a similar situation, but from the man's point of view.
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