agent.006 Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 (I don't really have a question - just venting, I guess.) I don't know what to do anymore. I love my wife, but I can't trust her. She's just gotten too abrasive lately. She says it might be hormones, but whatever the reason, it has just gone too far. In between accusing me of having an affair, trying to shoot her (I don't own a gun), and making up my feelings to make it easy to leave, she has also started to curse me out, complain about my job, and ask if I have been poisoned since I'm clearly acting weird by not wanting to be around her. Regardless, I simply cannot trust her to not hurt me further, since every day has been a struggle lately. Even when she "tries" to be nice, it is seldom seems like more than 60 minutes until she is on my case again. And that makes me angry. I really want to get out of it, but I am afraid of being alone. I like peace and solitude, but it would be nice to have a female friend to hang out with some of the time. Unfortunately, I'm not going to be good at settling for something. I would never date someone that wasn't almost perfect anymore, but that perfect person would probably not want me at 47. So, I'm convinced that I would just die alone -- just me, two dogs, and a gerbil or something. And that makes me very sad and afraid. So there is my choice. Stay and be angry, or leave and be alone. I really, don't know what to do. In the meantime, I'm just standing in the middle of the room or upstairs in my study trying not to cry, punch the walls, or run screaming into the street. Days like this I wish I had a drinking problem to numb the pain. What can I do?
melissag Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Agent, I might have missed something since your original thread - how did MC go? Did you go? You said before and are still saying there are several choices, but being happy with her is never one of them. Is there no chance you can be happy with her? Have you done some soul searching to see how you have contributed to the place you are now? When I read your posts, you sound like a person who is looking for any reason to end this, as opposed to looking for ways to save it. It sounds like your marriage is a mess right now. But your W may not have any idea what exactly is wrong (even if you think you have told her as clearly as possible - remember the whole Mars/Venus thing?), she may be scared to do her part to fix this M, or she may just think that your M is going through a tough time, but you will stumble through it. I know that you don't see a way to be happy with her, but I don't think that necessarily means it's impossible. I would suggest you tell her that things are such a mess that you are not sure how to get it back, and that you are so concerned, you are very seriously considering divorce. It is possible this will jolt her into doing some of her own soul searching and working harder at the M. MC would obviously help too, if she is willing. I feel for you that you feel so trapped in this marriage, and there seems like no good option that won't leave you unhappy for possibly the rest of your life. That is no way to live. But I think you have more control over this than you think.
Author agent.006 Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 (1) We went through a group marital seminar, which provided some good information but it seems that it was designed to enhance a marriage that may be having some minor issues, if any at all. It just didn't feel like it really applied. Frankly, we had some of our worst arguments on the way home from the seminar each week. (2) I went to IC, which is helpful for trying to get me to focus on whatever is going on inside my own head (my "soul searching"). (3) We start couples MC this week. It has taken us 3 weeks to get an evening appointment with a counselor. As far as my contribution to the situation, I don't mean to sound blameless as I honestly know I am partially to blame. I know I've been acting distant at home lately, which adds to her discomfort. This week (after a memorably galling blowup or two), I have been intentionally pushing a few buttons out of frustration, which is wrong of me. To answer your deepest question, I don't see how I can be really "happy" with her again. Never say never, but how can one forget all the insults, false accusations, minimal intimacy, et cetera? I just feel hurt, betrayed, and hopeless. It's as if she just expects me to walk up and give her a big hug and kiss, then go back to "normal", because that's what I used to do - ignore the problems and my feelings. I can't do that yet. Can I stay married to her? Yes, but I feel like we'll be roommates. Can I have random moments where I really enjoy her company? Probably. Can that suffice for a "happy" marriage? I don't know, but it doesn't feel like it. And I'm really not so sure I can leave, even if I want to. I'd hate to do that to the boys. At some level, I'd hate to do that to her, actually. I'm just not sure what staying would really look like, if it is not the present.
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