Dating someone who may be bipolar?

[glue808]

I was on here a few months ago with issues I was facing with my boyfriend. We've been dating 2 years 2 months; LD since last January (3 hours). I made an additional move in August (over 6 hours difference now).

 

My boyfriend has anxiety (which stems from a real allergy to mold). He told me that for the past month he has stopped taking his medication for anxiety.

 

I saw him for four days this past week. I hadn't seen him since the beginning of August. We were fine and happy until the very last day and he would have been leaving soon.

 

It started off with us picking apples. I misheard him wrong, put the picked apples in the wrong box, and he asked me to put the apples in the right box and to humor him. I started to ask why he needed the right box and said I've already done so much work etc. etc. (didn't get a chance to say much of anything). Instead, he cut me off, and got rather frustrated with me. He stormed off- walking away from me knowing I was upset.

 

Like I said, he has been off his medication, and for the past month, on a weekly basis, he gets so frustrated with me (over nothing) to the point of making me upset. I asked him why he gets so frustrated with me to the point to make me upset. He says he can't control his frustration.

 

Since this has been recurring for a month, I've been extremely concerned about our future... I'm concerned about being married to someone who gets so frustrated with me that he makes me cry. He said he can't control his frustration. He said when he gets his frustration out, he feels better. I told him that it's great that he feels better, but I'm left feeling upset. I worry about my own emotional health in the long run. It makes me worry about passing on a gene to children...

 

It was such an extreme and it happened so quickly. My very close friend met him a few times, and she said he seemed bipolar. He was frustrated with her too... unnecessarily. She's a nursing student in graduate school. I never would have thought of it if she hadn't mentioned anything.

 

There are mental issues in his family (from his mother). He is already seeing a therapist weekly for his anxiety. He can drink a lot as well... and I felt like that affected his behavior towards me greatly (easily frustrated and unusually stubborn). He used to smoke pot too... he doesn't do that anymore (I almost wish he would because he was much more relaxed- positive effect).

 

He also told me that he felt like he really didn't feel like there was a point to living beginning in August... he told his parents then, and only just told me. He said that he loves me so much and seems to be hurting our relationship. He was so upset. It took this whole episode type thing for him to recognize that his consistent reoccurring frustrations were hurting me. He didn't realize that a pattern was being created.

 

I feel lost. I don't know what to do now... I do love him very much. I told him whether he thought about whether he was perhaps bipolar or not... and he didn't have anything to say. I don't know if he has thought about it... and all I think about since I last saw him is whether he is mentally stable or not. Is he going to hurt himself? Is he really depressed? Is he bipolar? Will this be the end? If we break up, is he going to do something to himself???

 

I don't even want to talk to my friends or family about it... i don't know where to start. It's too much for me even right now since I am so busy. I guess I needed an anonymous place to go and write.

Edited October 19, 2013 by glue808

[odin673]

What draws you to him?

 

Can you handle him at his worst for extended periods of time(IE living together)? If not, move on. From the looks of it, he will probably be like this for the rest of his life. Don't try to change him or expect him to.

[TheGuard13]

It doesn't really matter whether the issue is anxiety, bipolar, or something else. What matters is that he doesn't seem to feel the need to take control of it, or to seek treatment for it, or has discontinued a key part of his treatment. Did he tell you why he stopped taking the medication to begin with?

 

Above all else, what you need to understand and internalize in all this is that you cannot control what he does. So worrying about whether he will hurt himself, whether he's depressed, etc...isn't going to help. He has to make his own choices. You need to decide how much you're willing to put up with.

[glue808]

Thanks for writing back.

 

I know I can't change him- we actually talked about this as well. He wants to help himself- I encouraged it. Every step of the way he has full-heartedly said he wants to improve. And he has in little steps. He said he was unable to control the frustration (I told him to be honest with how he feels before anything happens as to avoid it- it's better for both of us before it seemingly comes out of nowhere for me).

 

He doesn't say he will do something, and then not do it- he's not that type of person to not follow through. He said he's unhappy and it's not only because of our distance, but he's unhappy with the way he is (anxiety). I offered up suggestions such as getting outside more and exercising and putting himself around good people. I told him he needs to make himself happy and be happy with himself and that's up to him how he does it. From there, I know things will get better. He said the only happiness he gets is from me. I make him happy. I make him feel normal.

 

He has been going to therapy (solely for his anxiety) since August. I'm not sure why he completely went off-- I think he feels like he wants to be completely in control of himself and get through his anxiety. He wants to get back that control he had before. He was only on medication for a little more than a year.

 

What draws me to him are a lot of things... he's intelligent, he's honest, he really does think of me (he follows through, and aside from these frustrations, it has been fine), he cares about my well-being, he makes me laugh, supportive, likes to experience new things like I do, wants to travel like I do... we see eye-to-eye on so many things that I don't with anyone else; I like his perspective. I can completely be myself and honest with him, and he's right there with me.

 

So that's that.

[ThatMan]

Hi glue808,

I thought about something while reading those last few sentences. I knew a married couple who take a moment to sit down and share a list of everything they value in their relationship, and another list for the hardships. Once everything is out in the open they would individually decide whether the good outweighs the bad along with a deeper understanding of what can be improved upon. Looking at these last few sentences you've typed - He's intelligent, honest, thoughtful, and you can completely be yourself around him. Knowing this, I'm curious how do you feel about the relationship? Does the good outweigh the bad?

 

How you feel about things should be the highest priority. Just like your friend, and I don't mean to be disrespectful, I could also play amateur doctor and pretend to be a psychiatrist. When we're dealing with anxiety there's a few things to consider. Certain people feel compelled to have things done a certain way to cope with anxious feelings. The apples have to be put in the correct baskets to sooth anxiety, or else managing worry becomes difficult and frustrating. This is called obsessive compulsive disorder. Does your boyfriend have OCD? I doubt it. But even what I'm describing makes more sense than bipolar disorder.

 

The reality is that he needs to see a professional for an assessment. I'm on good terms with one psychiatrist and he would probably tell you right now that being a professional alone is insufficient. You need to properly evaluate people with an assessment to make a definitive diagnosis. Maybe it would be appropriate to strike up the conversation with your boyfriend to see if he's willing to see a psychiatrist for an assessment. Same thing as his therapist just a few more years of academia. Any information gathered will also help along his therapy sessions.

 

The point being though - your friend can tell you almost anything, but you still need to decide for yourself what to do. This is your life, not your friend's. You simply cannot go through life putting an amateur label on anything you disagree with. Instead of thinking of that angry stranger as being bipolar because of his temper - try just acknowledging that it's his behavior that you don't appreciate. Within a relationship it's the behavior and how you respond to it that matters most. Are you familiar with relationships in general and what personal boundaries are all about?

Edited October 19, 2013 by ThatMan