Kayla-May Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 My ex boyfriend broke up with me about 2 and a half months ago, we were together for 4 years. He has a new girlfriend, and I am still as heartbroken as I was on day one. Ever since we have been talking vis text, even though he has a girlfriend, but nothing to suggest any thing, he has just been very friendly is all. I have another thread on loveshack where I have been discussing the no contact rule and that after over 10 weeks I am I need of no contact as it is doing me no good at all. I am glad that we have left on good terms, but I am finding it hard to cope... I think I may be suffering with depression? I don't know. I don't think I have ever been depressed before... So I don't know, but I really don't think I can feel much worse, and I find it extremely hard to explain in words how I feel, because I cannot find the words. Day one of no contact and I feel rubbish... I guess that is to be expected, but I don't really know how to cope when I have no one to talk to... I want to learn to be happy with myself, by myself, and to love myself. More than any thing I want to get through this and be happy without him. I don't want to love him any more, I don't want to feel like this any more. I want to feel like myself again without having to trick myself into it... And without it only being temporary. I don't want to be tempted to always talk to him. I want to actually want the best for me... I want all of this, I just wish I knew how to get there, and I wish it didn't take so long. Now I know these things take time, I know that. But how can I feel better now?? Because I really have had enough of feeling this low all of the time... I feel like I should be feeling better after 10 weeks.... I still cry every day. I am craving happiness.
Author Kayla-May Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 I have tried it, with many different councillors, and to me in my mind I cannot talk to a stranger about my problems, I just feel uncomfortable and anxious. I know there is ways around it, but I have tried, and it just doesn't work for me. I want to be able to work this out for myself. I feel like I owe it to myself...
Author Kayla-May Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 And i mean face to face... I am hoping that talking via this thread will help me to get the advice that I need to give me a kick start into recovery x
Sparkle304 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Oh Kayla-May, I feel for you! It is a challenge to function when you have depression. Been there......and lived through it. I know it can be hard to find a counsellor that you can truly talk to. I've tried many different therapists and still have yet to find one that really gets me. Have you considered seeing your doctor and perhaps getting a prescription for an anti-depressant? You will get through this. But you must stop contacting your ex. Take each day as it comes. It will take A LOT of effort! This is not an easy path, but you can find happiness again.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 You have to be patient and let the process take its course. That means NO FU*KING CONTACT! The reason why you haven't progressed at all in 10 weeks is because you were contacting and being needy, desperate and clingy. Time to stop all that. Basically this is day one of your recovery because you spent 10 weeks di*king around. If you stick to it and stop caving, you'll get better. It's going to suck for a while, but the longer you put it off, the longer it will suck ass.
Author Kayla-May Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 I know I have been a total idiot and I hate myself for it. I have probably lost all chance of any reconciliation that was ever even the slightest possible. And I will never forgive myself for that. But I have given up on hope now which is why I want to help myself. Yes it's taken a little longer for me to want that than it should have, but the main thing in my eyes is NOW I want to help myself... I just need a little guidance is all... I'm sorry for going on so much guys... And thank you all for your patience. X
Simon Phoenix Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 I know I have been a total idiot and I hate myself for it. I have probably lost all chance of any reconciliation that was ever even the slightest possible. And I will never forgive myself for that. But I have given up on hope now which is why I want to help myself. Yes it's taken a little longer for me to want that than it should have, but the main thing in my eyes is NOW I want to help myself... I just need a little guidance is all... I'm sorry for going on so much guys... And thank you all for your patience. X You've been given suggestions, but you keep giving excuses. Eventually you are gong to have to stop with the excuses and just start doing things. Be it counseling, be it picking up a new hobby or activity, be it reconnecting with old friends that aren't affiliated with your ex, be it being social and making new friends at work, in meetup groups, etc. You've been given suggestions. Now you just have to get off your butt and try some.
Author Kayla-May Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 I have done nothing but try things. I have joined a gym, I have tried countless therapists, I have reconnected with old friends, I am avoiding the places my ex hangs out, I have got a new job, with new people, I have joined an online dating website, I have tried dating, I have tried writing a daily journal, I have tried spiritual healing, and I have been to the doctors countless times, not to mention the amount of self talk I have tried to give my self. So yes I am trying, more than any thing I want to feel better, I want to be happy. I don't choose to feel this way. But nothing is working, which is why I have turned to specialised forums, as I thought maybe people could help me out of their own experience. And so far it has helped me, because I am talking about it instead of acting upon impulse with my ex. So please don't say that I'm not trying to do things to help myself, because that is all I have been doing. Yes, it has taken me a ridiculous amount of time to start the no contact thing, but that's because I have been so beat down. On top of this I have just finished university, so my days are filled with nothing, and weirdly I miss having deadlines. Also a very close family member is suffering with terminal pancreatic cancer, and he is going to die. And that is a hell of a lot worse than what I am going through, but It has all come at once, and I don't know how to deal with it all... I haven't mentioned this before as I didn't think it was relevant, but I am just trying to make you see that there may be a reason that my mind is totally crumbling. Sorry for the rant... I know you are all trying to help me and I am truly grateful x
Simon Phoenix Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Well, then keep at it. Patience and time are you two biggest allies right now. You seem to want some sort of instant gratification, which is probably why you were so sh*tty with NC. You keep looking for quick-fix methods instead of riding out the storm. Just keep doing what you are doing and stop relapsing out of impatience and you'll get where you need to go. It'll just take a little bit of time. But basically, you need to relax and you need to be patient. You'll get there if you have the discipline to stay on course.
Author Kayla-May Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 I will admit, I can be a little impatient, and yes I know things don't get better over night.... I just guess maybe some other suggestions would be good....like activities etc... What I am struggling with is what to do with myself when I am alone, because that's when I over think everything. I haven't had to be on my own for so long, so it is totally alien to me... I want to learn to enjoy my own company and find things to do that I enjoy alone.... X
Simon Phoenix Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 I will admit, I can be a little impatient, and yes I know things don't get better over night.... I just guess maybe some other suggestions would be good....like activities etc... What I am struggling with is what to do with myself when I am alone, because that's when I over think everything. I haven't had to be on my own for so long, so it is totally alien to me... I want to learn to enjoy my own company and find things to do that I enjoy alone.... X I mean, we don't know you, we can't give you specific suggestions. Maybe start some sort of project or pick up some sort of hobby.
Zahara Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Nothing has been working because you were keeping contact, keeping the hope alive, keeping the anxiety going...stay NC and keep doing what you were doing. I said this before, you can do it all but of you keep going back to what was hurting you, you will make ZERO progress. 1
ponchsox Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Time is the only thing that will truly get you over the relationship. Each day, you will feel a little better. When you are alone and start thinking about them is when the depression sinks in and you start feeling bad about yourself. I realize weeks after I was dumped I had a great sense of self worth and I was going to do what made ME happy before I got into another relationship. You are worth a hell of a lot more than you think you are. Keep your chin up high! 1
h0000 Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 If he has a new gf now then you should probably do both you and that new girl a favor..by leaving your ex bf alone. Imagine how you would feel if your bf's ex keeps trying to get him back..
rhystcbusiness Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Have you tried HTP-5 I started on it for the gym, but it helps your mood and makes you happy, its legal and has no side effects.. look into it!
BC1980 Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Kayla, I read a book by Natalie Lue called "The No Contact Rule." It goes through why you need NC, the grief process during NC, and it has helped me tremendously. Being together for 4 years, you will go through grief. There is no way around this.
JDPT Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Kayla, I read a book by Natalie Lue called "The No Contact Rule." It goes through why you need NC, the grief process during NC, and it has helped me tremendously. Being together for 4 years, you will go through grief. There is no way around this. Is this a book that's gender biased and only "talks to women"? If not it's something that I'll like to read to supplement my recovery journey.
BC1980 Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Is this a book that's gender biased and only "talks to women"? If not it's something that I'll like to read to supplement my recovery journey. It is written by a woman, but the NC book is written for both sexes. She does have another book written for women only about the dynamics when women get into emotionally unhealthy relationships. She also runs a free website called Baggage Reclaim, which is easily for both sexes. I really think this book would help you. It is very motivational as well, and she speaks from personal experience. I think she started the website from a woman's perspective, but it has evolved and she said she now gets emails from men too.
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