I don't know what is worse

[longjourney]

So I've been getting a little bit stronger, to keep NC anyway. But the reality that I have always been second best and that my WH only married me because he couldn't get OW, still hurts like a bitch.

 

I pray and hope that if we don't stay together that my WH ends up with his affair partner.

 

They have so much in common. I believe the best revenge is seeing them together. If I had enough money I'd even pay for the wedding. I've bought a truck load of popcorn and am looking forward to the show.

 

I sure do hope they end up together and choke on skittle unicorn farts,

Cheaters belong together. There should be a law that enforces this and an island somewhere in the middle of an ocean they are condemned too. Fantasy island with a twist. Does anyone have suggestions as to what to name the island?

 

I have been refusing to speak to him at the moment.

 

He sent my a letter and flowers.

In his letter he said he can't live without me. That "OW" meant nothing to him. I forwarded the letter and flowers to "OW".

 

I know that might backfire on me. I am sure he will deny to her that it is his hand writing, but the worst part of it all is knowing in my gut deep down where I don't like to go is that my WH does love her. He always has. I have known that since we first got together. I knew and felt that from the first time he and I met. Hind sight and all that. And what is worse, he will stay with me, if I will have him, because we do have a family and he will deny his feelings and try to make it work with me for our family's sake. I don't know if I want to hug him and say thanks for trying to be upstanding or if I want to cry in the corner because I don't know how long I can try to convince myself that he truly wants to be here. I know if I could wave a magic wand to a place where we didn't have a family, then he would be with her, and the sad part is that I would still be the one standing here that was honestly and completely in love with him.

[harrybrown]

Have you gone to counseling? This huge betrayal is a deep blow to your self-esteem.

 

Anyone going thru this, needs help with the pain.

 

I hope you do get some help. Do something for yourself, exercise, go shopping.

 

I hope you have a better tomorrow. Sorry you are having this tough experience.

[BetrayedH]

How about "Soulmate Island?" A place for people who deserve each other.

 

You said he would stay with you, if you'd have him. Take your time with that decision. Keep in mind that you're "in love" with the man you thought he was.

 

Nice move on the card and flowers, BTW.

[BetrayedH]

Having now read your other posts, I'm convinced you should leave him.

 

He threatened your reconciliation if you exposed to the other BS, gets angry and defensive, refuses to answer questions (saying you're screwing up the R - boy, that's rich), and refuses to go to counseling (saying you can divorce him instead). You should do exactly that.

[ladydesigner]

(((longjourney))) you do have a long journey of healing ahead. Please go at your own pace and you don't have to make any decisions until you are ready. I am 20 months out from Dday and D is still an option for me.

 

I know what you mean about them having more in common. My WH and MOW were exactly the same:

 

Selfish

Non-Empathetic

Egotistical

Entitled

Mean spirited

Negative

Glass is always half-empty types

They both had meanie spouses at home in common

 

I have told my WH that I sometimes wish he would have left me for her. What a train wreck his life would have become. My life on the other hand would probably improve.

 

longjourney find yourself a great therapist to talk to, it really helped me gain clarity of my own situation. (((hugs)))

[Journee]

These type of posts are what upset me so much seeing comments about how the BS is too dense or high on the horse to self reflect. You are NOT second best. Not one bit. It isn't a competition and really you are a winner. You now know the truth. Thank goodness for that.

 

I know what you mean about your WH and the OW having so much in common they deserve one another. Let them be paranoid and caught in a loop together. You deserve much better than the treatment you are receiving.

 

I know it is easier said than done. Take the time you need to get your thoughts together. Many people think that if a BS doesn't immediately D then it's not coming. Not true.

 

Take care of yourself during this time. Please remember that his behavior is not a reflection on you. It says NOTHING about you and everything you need to know about him.

[jnel921]

I agree with WTHF and BH, you should leave. A man who plays both sides of the fence is not worth being with. If he says he wants you but gets angry and defends the OW that is a big red flag.

 

If my H stopped me from being what is a normal human reaction to the betrayal he inflicted on our marriage he'd be living somewhere else right now.

 

You need to ask yourself why he really wants to stay. Financial security, not having to leave the kids, or not wanting to divide marital assets. There are lots of reasons why WS choose to lie. But in the end they cannot have their cake and eat it too. Do yourself a favor and take it away.

 

There is someone out there who will appreciate what you bring to the table.

[jnel921]

These type of posts are what upset me so much seeing comments about how the BS is too dense or high on the horse to self reflect. You are NOT second best. Not one bit. It isn't a competition and really you are a winner. You now know the truth. Thank goodness for that.

 

I know what you mean about your WH and the OW having so much in common they deserve one another. Let them be paranoid and caught in a loop together. You deserve much better than the treatment you are receiving.

 

I know it is easier said than done. Take the time you need to get your thoughts together. Many people think that if a BS doesn't immediately D then it's not coming. Not true.

 

Take care of yourself during this time. Please remember that his behavior is not a reflection on you. It says NOTHING about you and everything you need to know about him.

 

Journee,

 

Her H may have done a mental number on her. Some of these WS do. They try to dump the blame of their actions on the BS. But those of us who know better and whose self esteem are held in a higher regard would not put up with that.

 

I know I am the best my H will ever have, he knows that too which is why he stayed. Trust me, had he wanted to be with her I would have laughed at both of them... and if it didn't work out, then too frickin bad. Because my door would be forever closed to him. He knew that walking out meant never walking back in again. I stand firm on that. No one deserves that kind of hurt. I made the decision not to be with my first H over 16 years ago for the same reasons and it was the best decision of my life.

 

But if he is fighting and threatening her about it, she needs to pack him up and out. Not speaking and feeling like a loser is not going to help. Its sad and the main reason why some of these cheaters continue to cheat and know exactly who they can cheat on over and over with no consequence.

 

Get a thicker skin, put on your big girl panties and woman up. He is the loser. Leave.

[Journee]

Journee,

 

Her H may have done a mental number on her. Some of these WS do. They try to dump the blame of their actions on the BS. But those of us who know better and whose self esteem are held in a higher regard would not put up with that.

 

I know I am the best my H will ever have, he knows that too which is why he stayed. Trust me, had he wanted to be with her I would have laughed at both of them... and if it didn't work out, then too frickin bad. Because my door would be forever closed to him. He knew that walking out meant never walking back in again. I stand firm on that. No one deserves that kind of hurt. I made the decision not to be with my first H over 16 years ago for the same reasons and it was the best decision of my life.

 

But if he is fighting and threatening her about it, she needs to pack him up and out. Not speaking and feeling like a loser is not going to help. Its sad and the main reason why some of these cheaters continue to cheat and know exactly who they can cheat on over and over with no consequence.

 

Get a thicker skin, put on your big girl panties and woman up. He is the loser. Leave.

 

 

 

That's why I get upset when people post that the BS should blame themselves more. That they should look at their faults as the jumping off point to the jump off.

 

Then there is a group of commenters that have never been BS bashing. Then another group of BS's that are not reconciling to continue the beating. Its crazy.

 

I guess I must fall into the low self esteem group that becomes , the serial BS. I have felt less than and depressed. I get questioning your value because being cheated on and gaslighted over and over is maddening. It can pick at an already fragile esteem. Sometimes you do wonder what the heck is wrong with you. S#!+ happens but one can always change things.

 

I hope OP does exactly what has been suggested. Leave. He doesn't deserve nor want the gift of reconciliation. Sometimes no matter how badly a BS might want it , it's just nit good idea. My H showed me who he is years ago. I didn't believe him. OP, believe what your H is showing you.

 

Good luck.

[2sure]

By the time I divorced my husband, my self esteem was non existent and I don't think I cared. Being gaslighted, lied to, argued with in circles by the same person who holds you at night, supports your child, and loves your flaws...is a slow poisonous process.

 

And in hindsight, I think it should have been an easy decision for me to leave right away. But it wasn't. I've always been one to doubt myself , but it was because I wasn't positive what a healthy relationship looked like. So, it was easy for me to lose the plot once the deception began.

 

But to both OP and Journee....as confused, low, and exhausted as I was...once I left him it was as though a dark cloud was lifted from my life. And I loved him, but it was still like finding myself again. The Clarity!

 

You don't know it right now, I know you don't, but leaving changes things for the better. You have fear of the future, but it's amplified by your present . Know what I mean?

[BetrayedH]

By the time I divorced my husband, my self esteem was non existent and I don't think I cared. Being gaslighted, lied to, argued with in circles by the same person who holds you at night, supports your child, and loves your flaws...is a slow poisonous process.

 

And in hindsight, I think it should have been an easy decision for me to leave right away. But it wasn't. I've always been one to doubt myself , but it was because I wasn't positive what a healthy relationship looked like. So, it was easy for me to lose the plot once the deception began.

 

But to both OP and Journee....as confused, low, and exhausted as I was...once I left him it was as though a dark cloud was lifted from my life. And I loved him, but it was still like finding myself again. The Clarity!

 

You don't know it right now, I know you don't, but leaving changes things for the better. You have fear of the future, but it's amplified by your present . Know what I mean?

 

It's amazing how the logical and emotional don't mix well.

 

My head says that divorce was absolutely necessary (and I can't imagine changing my mind) but there's a side of me that still has love for my exwife (probably more who I thought she was rather than who she is). But I agree that physical distance and time makes it much easier to think rationally (thank goodness). For me, there was definitely a BS fog that needed to clear.

[Journee]

By the time I divorced my husband, my self esteem was non existent and I don't think I cared. Being gaslighted, lied to, argued with in circles by the same person who holds you at night, supports your child, and loves your flaws...is a slow poisonous process.

 

And in hindsight, I think it should have been an easy decision for me to leave right away. But it wasn't. I've always been one to doubt myself , but it was because I wasn't positive what a healthy relationship looked like. So, it was easy for me to lose the plot once the deception began.

 

But to both OP and Journee....as confused, low, and exhausted as I was...once I left him it was as though a dark cloud was lifted from my life. And I loved him, but it was still like finding myself again. The Clarity!

 

You don't know it right now, I know you don't, but leaving changes things for the better. You have fear of the future, but it's amplified by your present . Know what I mean?

 

 

It should be an easy decision. Logically and rationally if something hurts, you don't do it anymore. Yet.....

 

I hope OP can make more sense of things than the majority. It tends to get all muddled when the heart gets involved.

 

Like BH stated, there is a BS fog. I think that is a great way to put it. We still love our spouses even after DDay. We still can crave the love and affection from them as if nothing ever happened...until reality smacks us again. Usually right before the moment when we once exhaled and relaxed into our spouses/partners/lovers arms. Right before we get comfortable. The very instant we wake up from sleep filled with dreams about the betrayal. It's very confusing.