sad_bubble Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Dear all, I would be very grateful if you could give me some advice. To start with, I love this person. We met back at university, but started dating only once I moved out to a different town. Basically I came to visit him after moving out, he met me with a rose, and we told each other that we would like to start a relationship. And then the bumpy road began. So in the place where I relocated in a different town, I was not allowed to have anyone of my friends/boyfriend staying over the night. I was living with a very controlling landlady and I started my new job at that time, working long hours. The beginning of our relationship was very slow. We tend to meet up over some weekends. If he visited me, we used to spend all nights not sleeping, and go to bed daytime, as my landlady did not complain about people staying daytime with me. While being together I noticed that the person I love, uses quite strong phrases, which hurted me. E.g. if I say hurry up, he says "didn't you finish your Msc? Don't you know maths? We have that time!". Also, if he wouldn't like something, and feels angry, he used to rush outside, and return to his town (90miles away) and won't talk to me for a day or two. So even If I felt sad or wanted to talk about it, there was no way to solve it same day. Still I think he is a good person, the one, whom I would love to help, or relax together, and spend my life with. I just feel since I am his first serious girlfriend, and he is so used to being alone, it is like trying to become friends with a wild animal sometimes. Quite ocasionally when he rushed away to his town, I used to appear in front of his doors the next weekend, and try to solve things. and so it went, we have good times, then he doesn't like something, and rushes away. I wait, come to him and try talking about it. Since he started studying phd, and got 2 jobs, he became very tired, quick to be irritated, and it became hard to talk with him, or even see him. For a year, I used spend most of my weekends working together (I used to take some work from the office to do it over the weekend, only to spend time with him), or being around while he is working and maybe watching a movie, if he is not too tired once he finished his work. I always wanted to move in together, thinking that this might solve the distance problem, and make communication problems better. Boy I was wrong. He still used to disappear to his town, if he feels that he doesn't like sth. But in general, I like talking with him, I love his little boy's character, and those few moments when he hugs or cooks food or kiss me to my forehead. But during the life together, he started nagging me on everything. I smile too much, if I clean, I clean not enough, If I cook, I do not cook tasty food.. This hurt me. Somehow we kept going, and then 2 weeks were amazing, I thought this is it. I think we are both heading the same direction and trying to solve our problems. But.. he decided to go for a week back home (different country), during that time he used to call me, but one day before he was going to return back to our home, he writes to me - he wants to be alone, his friends will be here for him, even the people whom he barely knows, are nicer to him than I am. It hurt me so much... So he returned the next day, I came very late and tired after work, and he meets me at our home with words - "I want to destroy this house, kill your pets, I don't know what happened to me so that I feel this way" I started crying, and said to him "Let's brake up", he agreed but refused to leave the house. Please understand after so long of aming to have a relationship with this person, my heart was smashed. I completely lost control, after hearing his words once again - that other people for him are much nicer and more worth to be cherished than me... boy it hurted. So I shouted, cried and after few days kicked him away. For few days he was apologising, but I was torn into peaces. devastated, sad, then angry, then devastated again. I wrote much bad words to him, he replied in the same way, then once again we wrote nicer things, apologising for what we did. So now he is in the different town, potentially looking for a room there short term, or longer. I am at this house, thinking whether to leave. We are both tired, but love each other. But it's hell to be together. The decision so far is to talk after 1.5 weeks, but we are not sure whether to continue or not. All I am just saying, I love this man, but it seems that he is not ready for a serious relationship and life together as yet. and this breaks my heart. what should I do? It's sad to live at this house now, it's like sitting on your smashed dreams..
Philosoraptor Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 This was a very unhealthy relationship. He was both emotionally abusive and controlling. You deserve better. Stay away from this man, take care of yourself, heal up, and in time you will find someone who is willing to treat you as well as you treat them.
Author sad_bubble Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 But why would a person be like that? I always believed if you trully aim for something and do things with a good heart, people will not hurt you. especially the ones whom you love. how can he say, that he sees me as the only girl for all his life, but then do all those hurtful things?
Philosoraptor Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 You need to accept that you can only control your actions, not the actions of others. He says things to keep your around. Judge people on their actions, not their words. 1
ConstantVoyager Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Good relationships are not this hard. He sounds like he needs some therapy.
Author sad_bubble Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 I told him about therapy, advised to go together. He laughed it off and took it as an insult Relationships do not get this hard, if there is a mutual agreement to solve problems. I would say in this case, it was like this: Problem? - He runs away - 1-2 days silence - I go after him - We talk and he says what I have to do differently, ignoring what I say about things, that he does and hurts me - and it repeats The hardest is that I love this person, but now it looks too big of a chalenge
Philosoraptor Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 He's unwilling to accept his issues or change, and pins everything on you. This is abuse and you deserve better. You deserve someone who is willing to treat you with the same care and respect as you give them, and he is unwilling to do so. He is a loser and will not find a healthy relationship. You seem to be a good person and once you move on you will be able to find someone who respects you.
Author sad_bubble Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 A question for the future: If something hurts you, or your partner says something mean to you, would you want to talk as soon as possible (e.g. after an hour once anger or tears stopped), or wait 1 or 2 days? I always tried to solve it as soon as possible, until I met this person, who always waits 1-2days. Am I doing the wrong thing? Or people solve issues only after some days passed? What is the more common sense action?
Philosoraptor Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 It's not uncommon for someone to take a short time before wanting to talk about an issue, but taking multiple days is unacceptable. 30 minutes to clear your head is one thing, but multiple days is trying to avoid it and hope it goes away. And the silent treatement is never acceptable in a relationship.
honeycomb Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 You deserve better than what you are getting from this man. Let me repeat that, because so many people don't seem to understand when I say that. You. Deserve. Better. You should never have to settle, and my opinion as an outsider is that this relationship has run its course. Keep your chin up and move on. It's going to hurt, but it's going to get better, and one day you will find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
FitChick Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 You dated long distance and liked each other enough to move in together to see how that would work. It didn't. Now you know. Start dating others now that you have a clearer idea of the type of man you want (and don't want).
Author sad_bubble Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Thank you all for your words x The first week was so tough. a pure death. but it was worth it. I feel so much better now and even found a special person whom I started to like
Recommended Posts