Enkia Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Long story short, office EA turns into PA after a couple of month, then turns back to EA during office hours only. The A ended in mutual agreement as I don't want to be OW forever and he at this time don't know if he will continue his marriage or not. But now something is nagging me. Don't know if I am being over sensitive as I am still in love with him. But sometimes I get the feeling that he is trying to hurt me by talking about his wife in a positive way and compare her to me, or the other way around, at least thats how I feel. I know it's a good thing he talks nicely of his wife, but that was not the case in the beginning, on the contrary! It just puzzles me that he now sees me as just a friend while talking everyday life with his wife and still needs me as his confident when he is sad. I feel so used. I know you can say, he is just acting professional, the A ended and now he is acting in proper manner. But we still share intimate information. And we mail each other a lot every day, but only in the office. So my insecurities is similar to psm04 thread made earlier today: I am so hurt that I don't hear from him when he is off work. At work I am the only one he care about, after hours I am just... well nothing to him. Well i just feel it all was a lie and a game to him, since he can turn off his feelings like that. Another thing is that he is very inconsistent with his love. Some days, when I don't question his behavior, he is in love with me. When I ask him questions and gets sad, he gets angry and says he no longer has feelings for me, that we are only friends and that our A didn't last long enough to be enough to justifying my behavior towards him. Right now I am just lost. Why would he act like this, when I am the one hurting in all of this?? I know his wife also does, but as far as I know, she doesn't know about us. I know I was probably just a mindless fling to him, but why don't he just get rid of me then? Or is he trying to get me to end it all?
JamesM Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Yes, you are probably a "mindless fling." He isn't interested in anything long term. He talks of his wife to keep you at a distance, but yet he likes the strokes that you give his ego. When you let him live his fantasy, he is nice. When you confront him and want more, then he backs off. He wants you at work and his wife at home. Now, you decide if you want that arrangement. My guess is that nothing short of a new job/job transfer will break the two of you up. 4
Author Enkia Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 ouch, your reply hurt me, but you are probably right, I know.
cozycottagelg Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Sadly, if you acted like you didn't care or barely responded to his emails, he'd be all about you again...that's how it seems to work. I don't think that means you should play these games though. If it hurts to hear about his wife, then maybe it's just time you stayed away from him as much as possible when you are at work. I am sure that isn't easy... I've never been in your shoes, but I do know that it can hurt when you are being compared to someone..
Author Enkia Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 My intention is to try to stay away from him, not to play games, but because I am hurting. I know he does the same to his wife. Talk about me, and she is also hurting. It just feel so manipulative. Like he is playing mind games, but that being said, I don't know if I am being paranoid, and should just realize I was nothing more to him than an ego stroke.
JamesM Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 ouch, your reply hurt me, but you are probably right, I know. I am totally sorry for hurting you. :sad: That was not my intention. I guess it appeared that you kind of knew that he didn't want a long term relationship. That does NOT mean he doesn't care deeply for you. In fact, I think he does. It does sound like his marriage is still more important at this point. Honestly, I am a guy too. I think I can say that if I were him, then I would want to keep you as a "close friend" at work while keeping may marriage intact. I don't think he is intentionally hurting you at all. He is simply thinking more of himself than of how you would feel. Unfortunately, it sounds like a game he is playing. He wants to keep you as his admirer but doesn't want to break his marriage. You may have to decide....do you want to feel used as I think you called it, or do you want to move on? Do you really want a guy like him? Do you think he would treat you better than he treats his wife? Do you want to stick around until he decides what he wants? Again, I am sorry if I said anything that hurt. That is so not me. 2
Author Enkia Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 sadly, he is the one who pull away from me from time to time. And I am the one chasing him. He just doesn't seem to care. He even ask me if I need to end it all. what is that all about? Am I really just one who is there when he is bored?
imfine Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 He talks about his wife to remind you of your place. His wife is who he shares his life with. You're there to stroke his ego and be his "work wife." That's why he doesn't "love" you anymore when you question him. He just wants you to serve your purpose and keep your mouth shut. You are so much more than that. I hope you see it. 4
Author Enkia Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 I am totally sorry for hurting you. :sad: That was not my intention. I guess it appeared that you kind of knew that he didn't want a long term relationship. That does NOT mean he doesn't care deeply for you. In fact, I think he does. It does sound like his marriage is still more important at this point. Honestly, I am a guy too. I think I can say that if I were him, then I would want to keep you as a "close friend" at work while keeping may marriage intact. I don't think he is intentionally hurting you at all. He is simply thinking more of himself than of how you would feel. Unfortunately, it sounds like a game he is playing. He wants to keep you as his admirer but doesn't want to break his marriage. You may have to decide....do you want to feel used as I think you called it, or do you want to move on? Do you really want a guy like him? Do you think he would treat you better than he treats his wife? Do you want to stick around until he decides what he wants? Again, I am sorry if I said anything that hurt. That is so not me. Don't be sorry. I am very glad for your honest reply. Thing is, when I say respond to him talking everyday life, for instance says, how lovely your wife does this etc.. he gets very, like in very angry at me. and says I of all should know how bad he is in his marriage... WTF is it?! I am so confused whether I should trust him when he says he doesn't love his wife or not.
Author Enkia Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 I may add he oftentimes cry when we talk about 'us'... he is confused, so he says anyway. But thanks for the reply, I just hate the fact that I perhaps was nothing more to him.
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 The A ended in mutual agreement as I don't want to be OW forever This is why. He's accepted that the A is over, you're not his OW anymore. You both ended the A mutually so he is going on with his life. Sure it hurts to hear him talk about his wife but he is letting go and moving on. I think you still have feelings for him and because of that it makes a friendship or even a casual buddy thing complicated. He is detached from you, whatever he felt is gone emotionally. You're putting your own spin on this and quite a negative one as well. Why minimize it? Why think the worst? Why feel used? It was an affair that was not going to last long or forever. Remember, you did not want to be the OW anymore so part of your job now is to make yourself detach and care less about him and what he does. Though NOW he is using you for an ego feed. Which IS doing damage to you so no friendship or buddy-buddy thing can happen. Stop being his ego feed and fun gal at work! Focus on work stuff and ignore him. 1
Author Enkia Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 thanks for your reply, but the thing as said earlier that confuses me, is that he still claims to be in love with me to this day.....
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 thanks for your reply, but the thing as said earlier that confuses me, is that he still claims to be in love with me to this day..... Feelings are just that. So, let's say he's in love. Look at how he's treating you. Is that a man "in love"? my guess is you feel like crap because of this cat and mouse game. Bottom line is he's married and the A is over. Somehow you need to get over him and get him out of your heart. It's unhealthy for you to hang onto 'oh he does love me' because really, at the end of the day he is still married and not leaving his wife. So, what's the point of all this? Give it some thought. Not the day to day stuff but weeks and months from now. Can you picture yourself in this exact same position a year from now? Loving and wanting him, hoping that he still is telling you he loves you, all the meanwhile he's still married living life with his wife and you're still single? GET MAD. BE FED UP! Say enough is enough and close yourself off to him on ALL levels! Respect yourself, love yourself MORE than you love him! Walk away! If you need to start looking for another job, do so! Or ask for a transfer so you won't have to work with him anymore. 3
whatatangledweb Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 That is why you can not go back to friends right away when it ends. It gets confusing and painful when feelings are still there. To me it seems he keeps you on a string. He has the ego boosts from being around you at work and he keeps his marriage. He may not be playing with your emotions on purpose but I would feel played with.You are going to continue to be hurt if you do not cut contact with him. You still love him and are going to second guess every interaction with him. 3
psm04 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Hi Enkia, sorry you are going through this. You referred to my thread in your post, and yeah, our situations are definitely similar, and it sounds like you go through the same stuff emotionally that I have been going through. I don't know what to say, since I haven't figured it out completely for myself yet, but try not to think too much about it. Somehow I'm able to manage to have contact with him at work and not care for the most part, but if you feel like you are hurt all the time, you might want to step away for a bit and take care of yourself. He sounds like a very confused man, just like my xAP. Confused and cowardly. You have to take care of yourself first though. I am not as accommodating to my xAP as I used to be. I even declined his offer to go to lunch, which I could never do before. And after that first no, he hasn't asked again, and I'm glad. If you feel that you are only there for him as a confidant and as someone to entertain him while he's at work, you are probably right. We have to trust our intuition. That's why I was upset yesterday, because it seemed like when he was home, he could care less about talking. It is a 'back and forth' emotional rollercoaster. It sucks, but the good thing is that you have ended the A. Whatever you do, don't get back into it! No matter how sweet his words are. Just keep remembering that it is just words that are backed up by NOTHING. How long were you in the A for?
n1BB1t Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Hi there, your mm is exactly the same as mine. Even after her wife discover our affair last year we did continue to see each other cause we work closely together. He is also doesn't discreet in sharing his family life and what they did and do together during weekend. I did question him why he share so much to me and make me so terrible. He just replied me that that's part of his life he couldn't avoid it so much. Regarding hot and close treatment, towards the few months of our relationship, he doesn't had patient to be nice to me and do what he just wanna do. We don't exchange mail but we did tried our best to lunch together. Then towards the end, he just wanna have quick and short lunch to return back to work and don't want to spend time with me. Just some true words from me. Don't be like me I let him used me for one year. Be so nice to him, do everything he asked me to do in order to get more time with him. Cannot quarrel with him when he ad hoc cancel our lunch as and when he like. Though I know I had enough of him but I didn't let go. Believe me they are trying to end things with us but they don't want to be the bad guy. They would rather we leave first so that it would not be them to abandon us. For me during our final quarrel when he push me away, I snapped it off cause I couldn't take it anymore cause he become more and more harsh on me. I initiate no contact. Though he offer to still be lunch mates but I reject cause I know he would continue to use me to boost his ego. To me if he doesn't want to contribute to our relationship then no point for me to maintain it having to sacrifices me. Be strong leave him. I have to see and hear him talking everyday. It's tough but doable believe me.
Author Enkia Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 Hi Enkia, sorry you are going through this. You referred to my thread in your post, and yeah, our situations are definitely similar, and it sounds like you go through the same stuff emotionally that I have been going through. I don't know what to say, since I haven't figured it out completely for myself yet, but try not to think too much about it. Somehow I'm able to manage to have contact with him at work and not care for the most part, but if you feel like you are hurt all the time, you might want to step away for a bit and take care of yourself. He sounds like a very confused man, just like my xAP. Confused and cowardly. You have to take care of yourself first though. I am not as accommodating to my xAP as I used to be. I even declined his offer to go to lunch, which I could never do before. And after that first no, he hasn't asked again, and I'm glad. If you feel that you are only there for him as a confidant and as someone to entertain him while he's at work, you are probably right. We have to trust our intuition. That's why I was upset yesterday, because it seemed like when he was home, he could care less about talking. It is a 'back and forth' emotional rollercoaster. It sucks, but the good thing is that you have ended the A. Whatever you do, don't get back into it! No matter how sweet his words are. Just keep remembering that it is just words that are backed up by NOTHING. How long were you in the A for? Hey you, we were in the A for less than a year. Mine too is very confused or at least that was he tells me he is. He tells me he loves me, but I am beginning to to think of him as an abusive person and a very weak man.
Author Enkia Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 Hi there, your mm is exactly the same as mine. Even after her wife discover our affair last year we did continue to see each other cause we work closely together. He is also doesn't discreet in sharing his family life and what they did and do together during weekend. I did question him why he share so much to me and make me so terrible. He just replied me that that's part of his life he couldn't avoid it so much. Regarding hot and close treatment, towards the few months of our relationship, he doesn't had patient to be nice to me and do what he just wanna do. We don't exchange mail but we did tried our best to lunch together. Then towards the end, he just wanna have quick and short lunch to return back to work and don't want to spend time with me. Just some true words from me. Don't be like me I let him used me for one year. Be so nice to him, do everything he asked me to do in order to get more time with him. Cannot quarrel with him when he ad hoc cancel our lunch as and when he like. Though I know I had enough of him but I didn't let go. Believe me they are trying to end things with us but they don't want to be the bad guy. They would rather we leave first so that it would not be them to abandon us. For me during our final quarrel when he push me away, I snapped it off cause I couldn't take it anymore cause he become more and more harsh on me. I initiate no contact. Though he offer to still be lunch mates but I reject cause I know he would continue to use me to boost his ego. To me if he doesn't want to contribute to our relationship then no point for me to maintain it having to sacrifices me. Be strong leave him. I have to see and hear him talking everyday. It's tough but doable believe me. I too have to see him everyday as we too work together on a project until january next year. He is the one who wants to steals hours from work with me, because I am such a good friend. OMG I am starting to hate him so much. I want revenge! I don't want his wife to know, I just want to be the one on top. I know I am, because other men are pursuing me, good men. Maybe I am just as bad as he is.
Author Enkia Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 Most cheaters cry on Que,:laugh:. Most OWs buy the tears. It is an effective way of manipulation. Beware of men that cry easy. You are right, I know because I dealt with such kind of people before. Poor me all the time, and here I am poor me myself, how stupid can one be?
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