How to handle the move out

[melissag]

Hi LSers,

 

I feel like I am monopolizing this board lately, and I hope you don't mind. I find it to be one of the only calming things I can do these days. It is great to have the counsel of those who are in the same boat and especially those who are further along and can offer some sort of hope.

 

I am wondering how you all handled the day when your spouse moved out. Oh, I can read all the things I want about how I'm supposed to help him pack and send his ass out the door with a smile. But honestly, I think that I may literally die of heartbreak. I know that, as unbearably bad as I am feeling now, that is going to be rock bottom for me. I am petrified, honestly. Should I just make myself scarce? Do something with the kids? Have someone else watch the kids? This is coming in two weeks and I need to have some sort of plan. I want to make it as painless (haha) as possible for me and my kids. But I know it's going to be the worst day of my life.

 

Help.

[Shocked Suzie]

Hi LSers,

 

I feel like I am monopolizing this board lately, and I hope you don't mind. I find it to be one of the only calming things I can do these days. It is great to have the counsel of those who are in the same boat and especially those who are further along and can offer some sort of hope.

 

I am wondering how you all handled the day when your spouse moved out. Oh, I can read all the things I want about how I'm supposed to help him pack and send his ass out the door with a smile. But honestly, I think that I may literally die of heartbreak. I know that, as unbearably bad as I am feeling now, that is going to be rock bottom for me. I am petrified, honestly. Should I just make myself scarce? Do something with the kids? Have someone else watch the kids? This is coming in two weeks and I need to have some sort of plan. I want to make it as painless (haha) as possible for me and my kids.

But I know it's going to be the worst day of my life.

 

Help.

 

 

I took my kids our for the day and stayed well away! Last thing my kids needed to see is their dad packing his stuff to go n live with another family

 

Xx good luck it get better

[K Os]

Likewise - there was no way I was going to watch that grim spectacle.

 

First of all I took the opportunity to pack a large suitcase of things I wouldn't let her take. We'd agreed about furniture, but it was stuff like books mostly, that we hadn't discussed and that I thought she might swipe. I put the suitcase in the car and took off. I came back when she was gone and it was entirely my house. That was a bad experience, but not as bad as I was expecting. A few white rectangles where pictures had hung for 15 years, some plants gone, some family photos missing. I rearranged things, moved the furniture around, had fun smashing some wicker things that I'd always disliked -and starting making it my place. On that first night I remember I moved the pillows and slept in the middle of the bed. I still do that - so much space! It's great!

[dumped2013]

I hooked up my camper to the truck the night before and left early the next morning to go camping in the mountains with a buddy. I was gone before the movers came. You need to take your kids out and do something with them that they enjoy. You do not want them to see him move out. That will remain stuck in their memory for life.

[Shocked Suzie]

Mine only took clothes and tools...any other items, cd's he didn't take that day I packed for him and left in spare room for when he came to see the kids. I was fortunate that I was left all furniture, suppose one good thing of him moving into a ready made family home

[LuvsTrucks2]

Since my STBXH and I don't have any children, I actually helped him pack. I folded all his clothes and packed them all up. I sent him out with care packages from the pantry, freezer and fridge. I was very generous with giving him items that he would need or want. I learned a long time ago, materialistic things can be replaced. There are no more visual signs of him in the house. I can honestly say that I am very proud of how it all went down. I asked him if he was okay with how it was handled and he said it went the best that it could have, it couldn't have gone any better. I know our situation is not the norm.

[melissag]

I don't know exactly what he is planning to take, but I did tell him to take the bed, so I better work on ordering a new one. I doubt he is going to go through our whole house and take every last thing he thinks is his, but I guess we will have to talk about that. I dread the process of going through everything and splitting it all up. Honestly, 95% of everything we own (including his clothes), I bought. With our money, yes. But I made the purchases. On big things, like furniture, he agreed with the purchases first, of course. So pretty much anything he tries to take is probably going to eat at me.

 

How did you get over the anger that it was your spouse's choice to leave, and now they are taking your stuff, and (if you have them) your kids (at least part of the time)? That is really hard for me.

 

LuvsTrucks, the hell did you do that?? I feel like I would just die of misery. Maybe I am not yet mad enough at him.

[Shocked Suzie]

I don't know exactly what he is planning to take, but I did tell him to take the bed, so I better work on ordering a new one. I doubt he is going to go through our whole house and take every last thing he thinks is his, but I guess we will have to talk about that. I dread the process of going through everything and splitting it all up. Honestly, 95% of everything we own (including his clothes), I bought. With our money, yes. But I made the purchases. On big things, like furniture, he agreed with the purchases first, of course. So pretty much anything he tries to take is probably going to eat at me.

How did you get over the anger that it was your spouse's choice to leave, and now they are taking your stuff, and (if you have them) your kids (at least part of the time)? That is really hard for me.

 

LuvsTrucks, the hell did you do that?? I feel like I would just die of misery.

Maybe I am not yet mad enough at him.

 

The final day my ex left and went to live with another woman and her family I switched off....seeing his stuff gone, seeing the upset he'd caused my kids just did it for me... I was done! No turning back, not going to have someone like him in my life that could treat and walk away from his family so easily for someone he'd known for 4/5 months. I still have my children

100% he sees them approx 5 hrs a week...my kids still don't want to meet the GF, so that's all until they are prepared to meet her he is willing to give them...he is a fool and slowly his kids are slipping away from him

 

Hope you can come to a healthy arrangement for your children as they are what's important here xx

Edited October 18, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[melissag]

The final day my ex left and went to live with another woman and her family I switched off....seeing his stuff gone, seeing the upset he'd caused my kids just did it for me... I was done! No turning back, not going to have someone like him in my life that could treat and walk away from his family so easily for someone he'd known for 4/5 months. I still have my children

100% he sees them approx 5 hrs a week...my kids still don't want to meet the GF, so that's all until they are prepared to meet her he is willing to give them...he is a fool and slowly his kids are slipping away from him

 

Hope you can come to a healthy arrangement for your children as they are what's important here xx

 

Yes, I need to focus on them. And I am kind of thinking, once we tell them, and I see the hurt they are going through, maybe that will be a turning point for me. I don't believe in staying together for children when all is lost and there is high conflict in the home (there is/was none in ours), but I DO believe that in any marriage, and ESPECIALLY if you have children, you should DO SOMETHING to make it better instead of just giving up. That's where my mad needs to come from, I think. Sadly, I do not think that he will see how selfish he is being, and will think that the kids will be just fine. (He thinks that now, but I don't even think he will see it once they know and are obviously hurt.) It's pretty obvious he is thinking about nothing but himself given that the only place he has looked for apartments is in swanky areas of downtown. We used to live downtown and loved it, but sadly moved away because WE DECIDED IT WASN'T AN APPROPRIATE PLACE TO RAISE CHILDREN. But now he is looking at a super cool trendy place in a building full of single 30 year olds. Ah, but his new fun life wouldn't be so fun if he put the children first, now would it? Grrr.

 

Thanks for the reply - it helped me get a little mad!!

[LuvsTrucks2]

melissag,

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

Believe me, it was one of the hardest things I have had to do in life. I am very proud of myself for the way the move out went. He even told me that it must have been hard for me and I agreed that it was very hard. My MIL called the following week and I told her that she would have been proud of me and she said she already was, but that will probably be the last I hear from her.

 

Again, I know our situation isn't one of the norm, he has been back to the house several times since then for us to work out finances and paper work. Each time he visited, I would have some more of his stuff boxed up and labeled and ready for him to take. He keeps saying he doesn't know where he is going to put all of it. I can honestly say that everything of his it out of the house. The garage is another story. All of his tools are in there and he is a mechanic by trade, but I know he can't take them because where he is living there is no storage room available and I know he doesn't want to rent a storage unit.

 

I learned a long time ago not to fight over the materialistic things, you can always replace those things at another time.

 

Since you have children at home, I think I would agree with the other posters not to be around, you can, but I wouldn't let the children be around.

[Mystery2Me]

Hey Melissag!

 

Very sorry I am that you are going thru a painful divorce that you did not ask for. This is a very hard thing to deal with and unfortunately you just have to ride it out.

 

Like others, I think you certainly should plan to do something away from the house. Let him float in on that so-called happiness cloud and move himself.

 

Remember rightnow he is futher along in the grief process than you are, so while you are catching up please do protect yourself from his indifference.

 

He is incapable of realzing the painful toll his abandonment is costing you and the children, because in private he has moved to a warped sense of acceptance.

 

Are you and the children in couseling? If not please do so, it helps to develop coping skills/plan to deal with things such as this.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Yarrow]

It's pretty obvious he is thinking about nothing but himself given that the only place he has looked for apartments is in swanky areas of downtown. We used to live downtown and loved it, but sadly moved away because WE DECIDED IT WASN'T AN APPROPRIATE PLACE TO RAISE CHILDREN. But now he is looking at a super cool trendy place in a building full of single 30 year olds. Ah, but his new fun life wouldn't be so fun if he put the children first, now would it? Grrr.

 

Thanks for the reply - it helped me get a little mad!!

 

Oh yay. The mad stage. This is good. It's about now that the blinders come off and you need that. Just remember to keep enough indignation to help you keep your interests and your kids' interests in mind, but not enough to become bitter.

 

What a jerk! He's living in fantasyland. He thinks that he can just move into a trendy place with super cool singles and start all over again. Maybe even come back and play you if the hot young thing at the bar turns him down and he wants some. Time to lawyer up and bring him back to reality. Separate your stuff and your finances, make sure he pays the support that your kids deserve, and show him that now that he's left, he gets all the good AND the bad that comes with that. No matter what happens or who he meets, he'll always be that pathetic guy who walked out on his wife and young children and is trying to pretend he's a freewheeling stud. Even trendy singles can recognize that kind of douchebaggery when they see it. Get your chin up, refocus on your life and your family, and you will always be the brave woman who picked herself up after a catastrophic setback and went on to raise two fine children to be productive and admirable members of society. (It is 2, isn't it? I forget. Was it 3?)

 

What did I do the day of the move-out? Watched him move his stuff and once he was safely out of the house, telephoned my parents so they could take me to their place to stay the night.

[melissag]

OK, so the decision is whether *I* should be here. Kids will definitely be gone. Not sure I want to take them out somewhere and then come home to empty (well, emptiER) house. Based on how things have been going so far, I am guessing I will need a good hour to wail on the floor and get myself together, and that can't happen with kids there. If I do stay, I have to act like this is great and a good idea, though, right? Not sure that can happen. Maybe better to just work out what he is and isn't taking beforehand, and then let him do his thing on moving day. Then I can come home and answer the nosy neighbors when they ask about the UHaul in front of my house. :o:o:o

 

M2M, I am in IC now (though I am not sure whether it helps). Funny, I mentioned it to my H the other night (in a "I've figured out a lot of stuff through soul searching and IC") and he was SURPRISED that I was seeing someone. I mean, really. Really??? Just so clueless. I guess he thinks our marriage meant as little to me as it does to him? (Or maybe I have been doing a better job at 180 than I think!) But I digress. We have not yet told the kids - but I do plan to find someone they can talk to if they need to. Maybe I should just set up an appointment and make them go after a few days. ?? I did buy the American Girl book on Divorce for my 9 year old . . . boy is she going to be pissed.

[Shocked Suzie]

Personally if he wants to p!@s off ...I'd let him p!@s off alone... but you have to do what feel right for you... It will be nice to eventually get it over n done with.

 

All the best ...x

[melissag]

Personally if he wants to p!@s off ...I'd let him p!@s off alone... but you have to do what feel right for you... It will be nice to eventually get it over n done with.

 

All the best ...x

 

Thanks . . . If only it was that easy. H is out of town for the weekend and I am as much of a wreck as ever - maybe worse. Probably about an hour sleep so far tonight and can't get back to sleep so am trying to distract myself for a bit. This is only going to get worse when he is actually gone and I have to face it that it's over. Sometimes I get feelings like this - hey, he's a jerk, rah rah, but those feelings are completely washed away by the intense sadness and hurt. :(

[UpwardForward]

He wanted to leave and have the 'separation'. I packed his things with a hopeful heart - a little more than a hurtful one, because I thought 'absence would make the heart grow Fonder' ..

 

How wrong I was. About a month later, just past midnight on New Yrs day, I just couldn't stand it anymore. (He had told me he would be living w his cousin's grown son in his apartment). I drove several cities away to the 'apt'. No H, no clothes, no bed. Found out H had moved in w OW. So much for the heart growing fonder. (((shakes head .. but still smiling in disbelief)))

 

Anyway, to answer your question - our kids and I were home when he left. But my kids were much older than your children. It's an unnatural situation. A remaining spouse who has hopes of saving their marriage should not feel too badly. Imo, excepting for infidelity, these spouses do not need to be leaving.

Edited October 19, 2013 by UpwardForward

[secondfailure]

meisllsa, just know that this is a process and you have to go through it. Like I said in an earleir post. Find a divorce care group in your area and continue your counseling. Like in my case, I didnt ask for a divorce.. I was not the best husband. I am sure most of us on this site didnt think things were bad enough where someone wanted out. But just know you are on your way. I am 2 months in and I am lonley as crap but I feel like I need to use this time to figure out who I am and what I want in a mate. I wont settle anymore. Looking back, I saw red flags but when your heart is in front of your heard, you dont think. I can relate to your situation becasue when we decided to separagte she was in the house for another 4 weeks and we got along fine. So two weeks before she moved i asked her to stay. She was like "I am out of here".. Manthat hurt. THe week she left I bargained, begged, pleaded, and that was worse. She told me that crying makes her madder.. Huh?? But when she left, I was gone the entire day. I dont think you want that memory either. Watching your husband pack and leave. But the choice is yours. Just know you will take one step forward and 3 steps back in the beginning. Then one day you will take 2 steps forward and one step back. Then finally you will be marching to the beat of your own drum... You dont see it now and you are not supposed to.... Hang in there..

[melissag]

meisllsa, just know that this is a process and you have to go through it. Like I said in an earleir post. Find a divorce care group in your area and continue your counseling. Like in my case, I didnt ask for a divorce.. I was not the best husband. I am sure most of us on this site didnt think things were bad enough where someone wanted out. But just know you are on your way. I am 2 months in and I am lonley as crap but I feel like I need to use this time to figure out who I am and what I want in a mate. I wont settle anymore. Looking back, I saw red flags but when your heart is in front of your heard, you dont think. I can relate to your situation becasue when we decided to separagte she was in the house for another 4 weeks and we got along fine. So two weeks before she moved i asked her to stay. She was like "I am out of here".. Manthat hurt. THe week she left I bargained, begged, pleaded, and that was worse. She told me that crying makes her madder.. Huh?? But when she left, I was gone the entire day. I dont think you want that memory either. Watching your husband pack and leave. But the choice is yours. Just know you will take one step forward and 3 steps back in the beginning. Then one day you will take 2 steps forward and one step back. Then finally you will be marching to the beat of your own drum... You dont see it now and you are not supposed to.... Hang in there..

 

Thanks for your response, SF. I am having trouble finding a support group nearby . . . they all seem to be in the 3rd week of a 13 week program so I can't join now. Or they are religious, which doesn't appeal to me. I will keep looking. I think I really do need something like that. In IC, my therapist just sits there and listens and then tells me that it is normal to feel this way. I am not sure it's helping a whole lot. I feel like I need some more constructive feedback or advice or something, and it looks like some of the support groups are structured almost like a "class." That appeals to me.

 

I can totally see why your W was mad that you were crying. It didn't fit into her "this is so great and easy" story in her head. I think it must take a LOT of resolve to decide to leave your marriage, and anything that threatens that resolve is unwanted.

 

Are you two months in since she said she wanted to leave, or two months since she moved out? I wish I just knew there was a certain date when I would start to feel even a tiny bit better. Right now I don't think I have even hit rock bottom, and that scares the crap out of me, because I can't imagine what could be worse than how I feel now. If only I had something to look forward to, to count the days on the calendar, anything. You are right, I don't see any hope at all right now. I sure hope I do soon. I don't know how the mind or body can handle this for very long.

[melissag]

He wanted to leave and have the 'separation'. I packed his things with a hopeful heart - a little more than a hurtful one, because I thought 'absence would make the heart grow Fonder' ..

 

How wrong I was. About a month later, just past midnight on New Yrs day, I just couldn't stand it anymore. (He had told me he would be living w his cousin's grown son in his apartment). I drove several cities away to the 'apt'. No H, no clothes, no bed. Found out H had moved in w OW. So much for the heart growing fonder. (((shakes head .. but still smiling in disbelief)))

 

Anyway, to answer your question - our kids and I were home when he left. But my kids were much older than your children. It's an unnatural situation. A remaining spouse who has hopes of saving their marriage should not feel too badly. Imo, excepting for infidelity, these spouses do not need to be leaving.

 

Oh, this makes me really sad. But it's also a good wake up call. It tells me that I need to stop doing things based on him - trying to figure out how he feels, what I should and shouldn't do, how to act around him, analyzing everything he says, etc. - and focus on myself and what I need to do to be happy. Of course that is easier said than done, since there is really nothing that seems like it would make me happy at the moment. Hopefully that will come in time. Like, ASAP.

[Yarrow]

Thanks for your response, SF. I am having trouble finding a support group nearby . . . they all seem to be in the 3rd week of a 13 week program so I can't join now. Or they are religious, which doesn't appeal to me. I will keep looking. I think I really do need something like that. In IC, my therapist just sits there and listens and then tells me that it is normal to feel this way. I am not sure it's helping a whole lot. I feel like I need some more constructive feedback or advice or something, and it looks like some of the support groups are structured almost like a "class." That appeals to me.

 

If you are looking for a class, I suggest looking for a mindfulness group. The counseling clinic that I am going to runs drop-in mindfulness meditation sessions and I have found the exercises they teach to be very helpful when I'm stressed out and need to take a time out or when I am lying in bed with thoughts racing through my head. It's a good adjunct to your counselling and support groups.

[melissag]

If you are looking for a class, I suggest looking for a mindfulness group. The counseling clinic that I am going to runs drop-in mindfulness meditation sessions and I have found the exercises they teach to be very helpful when I'm stressed out and need to take a time out or when I am lying in bed with thoughts racing through my head. It's a good adjunct to your counselling and support groups.

 

Thanks, Yarrow, I will look into that!

[secondfailure]

Thanks for your response, SF. I am having trouble finding a support group nearby . . . they all seem to be in the 3rd week of a 13 week program so I can't join now. Or they are religious, which doesn't appeal to me. I will keep looking. I think I really do need something like that. In IC, my therapist just sits there and listens and then tells me that it is normal to feel this way. I am not sure it's helping a whole lot. I feel like I need some more constructive feedback or advice or something, and it looks like some of the support groups are structured almost like a "class." That appeals to me.

 

I can totally see why your W was mad that you were crying. It didn't fit into her "this is so great and easy" story in her head. I think it must take a LOT of resolve to decide to leave your marriage, and anything that threatens that resolve is unwanted.

 

Are you two months in since she said she wanted to leave, or two months since she moved out? I wish I just knew there was a certain date when I would start to feel even a tiny bit better. Right now I don't think I have even hit rock bottom, and that scares the crap out of me, because I can't imagine what could be worse than how I feel now. If only I had something to look forward to, to count the days on the calendar, anything. You are right, I don't see any hope at all right now. I sure hope I do soon. I don't know how the mind or body can handle this for very long.

 

 

It is religous based. But the thing I find myself realizing is I need for God to help me with this hurt. No man or woman can help m with this. Also you can join the class at anytime. You will just start at week 4... I am not real religous at all but the class talks about forgiving yourself for the way you feel, how to control your anger how to deal with depression (that was a good session). If nothing else go the website divorcecare.com and read up on what they do and sign up for the daily encouragement emails..

 

Igt has been two months since she moved out. it gets better everyday. Like I said, I accept the mstakes I ade in the marriage which was being very disrespectful at times (I now realize that is what happens when you argue). I also know now to never take people and their feelings for granted and to love me first... its a hard lesson to learn but I am learning. This lonleyness is crippling at times becase we didnt have any kids together. I told her to leave becasue se said she didint feel safe around me with her son becasue of my temper. Even thugh I was the opne making sure he styaed on tasked when she checked out mentally at times. But that is the past and I cant change what happened. I can only forgive myself, learn from my mistakes and move on. You will to if that is what is required. Just know, it is a process and there is no quick fix..

[UpwardForward]

Thanks for your response, SF. I am having trouble finding a support group nearby . . . they all seem to be in the 3rd week of a 13 week program so I can't join now. Or they are religious, which doesn't appeal to me. I will keep looking. I think I really do need something like that. In IC, my therapist just sits there and listens and then tells me that it is normal to feel this way. I am not sure it's helping a whole lot. I feel like I need some more constructive feedback or advice or something, and it looks like some of the support groups are structured almost like a "class." That appeals to me.

 

 

Melissa, My break-up was so long ago I wasn't on the net. I was lead to church (with sweet neighbors who took me) and I then became a Christian (while in my despair ), about two months after he left. It was really good and a bright light for me. Then a few months after joining the church, different ones migrated toward me and I was also lead to a support group - where they were praying for the healing of their marriages .

 

Anyway, the women involved in my life through the church at that time, were beautiful, phenomenal - and a true blessing of God. Will Always be in my Heart!

 

Now and w different internet sites to minister and relay info - and with others' testimonies, this should make things a lot easier for you.

Edited October 19, 2013 by UpwardForward