Lie Detectors/Polygraphs - really?

[dichotomy]

I have seen this mentioned a few times here

 

So folks really ask WS to take these? I suppose these services are listed in the phone book?

 

I can only imagine the most completely remorseful, beaten, and scared of divorce WS would agree to take one.

 

Do you prepare a list of questions in advance - or what. I can't imagine some guy running the machine on your WS while you sit there in an emotional state demanding answers to intimate questions like - sex, whether they like it better, do they really love you more, or worse. I mean your not going to be able to hide any feelings or thoughts - let alone actions that took place.

 

How accurate are these things - or is that beside the point - it puts them in a place were they are scared to lie.

 

BS or WS - so whats your thoughts on polygraphs?

[katielee]

I've thought about this...

 

the facts: he hasn't told me anything I didn't find out for myself or SAY I could find out. there were lies AFTER the affairs. The OW told me stuff he wouldn't. This is not good. Obviously, he's ok with not telling the truth. There were some immediate dealbreakers for me - like if he had had sex, contintued contact with the first OW or if there were more OW. Those are three questions that would be easy to ask.

 

I still never pressed it. Giving him the benefit of the doubt. Not sure why.

[road]

Stop the melodrama. The BS is not present in the room when the test is taken.

 

The goal of the session is planed out before hand with the tester and the BS.

 

The WS does not have to take the test they can just divorce their BS.

 

The polygraph has gotten the truth out of many a WS. Quite often the WS comes clean on the ride to the session.

 

This post makes me doubt that you were not a WS or a BS. Because you have know understanding of the need for the BS to have the truth.

 

Not a WS because you have not seen your BS broken after your affair needing answers, the truth.

 

Infidelity forums are not for entertainment were people are to come and offer opinion not backed by knowledge or experience.

[BetrayedH]

Back in my early days of being a BS, polys were recommended to me. I scoffed at the idea out of concerns about reliability. I wish I had listened. It took me 8 months of feeling like things didn't add up before I discovered the truth via hypervigilance. Back in those days I did do a decent amount of reading about polys and found they have come a long way. Unless you've had counter-intelligence training, they not likely to be beaten. Of course, you can find the opposite said as well; my belief is that they're more reliable than most people think.

 

Your local police department is typically good for a reference for a good administrator.

 

A wayward that is remorseful and truthful will typically agree or even volunteer for a test. As they say, those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

You only get 3-4 specific (yes or no) questions answered. Some people do multiple days to get more.

 

A common scenario is as Road described: a lying wayward agrees to a test (expecting that they'll think of something) but when they can't get out of it, a 'passenger seat confession' happens on the way to the test where the BS gets more truth. It's advised to listen to the confession but keep the appointment because guess what, there's still more truth to be had.

 

Sadly, some people have passed the test and been found later to have still been lying. And some people pass but the BS then questions the validity of the test. As a result, it's usually my last recommendation. I recommend the typical methods of investigating first. The exception is when the affair was 'supposedly' many years ago and nothing since has happened. There's no emails or other evidence to find.

 

As a BS, I HAD to know if my wife was still lying. If she was truthful with me, I was willing to do my damnest to forgive and reconcile. If she was still lying, she could go eff herself. Big difference and a life-long result. Not knowing drove me insane. I should have just done the damn thing.

 

Fo those like me, a poly gives that opportunity to exonerate a wayward that you think is telling the truth. The BS can rest assured that they have a truthful spouse now. Or you can find that your wayward is still lying. Frankly, I think it's a useful tool in some cases, just like a PI, GPS or VAR. Many times just the wayward's reaction can be very telling.

 

Your mileage may vary.

[cozycottagelg]

For me, if I felt I needed to go to the extreme of setting up and paying for a polygraph test, it would mean I have no faith in my partner to tell the truth without a device present. Which would also mean, as soon as it was over, I'd have to rely on them to be honest without confirmation...which I obviously didn't trust before.

 

Call me lazy, but I don't have the energy for it.

[Steadfast]

To each his own. I can't speak for someone else and say it won't help. But personally, my opinion of polygraphs, GPS trackers, keyloggers, etc hasn't changed. I'm a typical dimwitted male, but even I can tell if someone wants to be with me. If someone is loving and true. Perhaps if I had millions at stake I would feel differently. My opinion is, if the relationship has deteriorated to the point where lie detector results are needed, trust is shot.

 

To many, proof is critical. I say the proof is in the pudding.

[janedoe67]

I have no problem with someone asking for a polygraph to get the truth. BUT a BS who wants this needs to decide ahead of time whether he is actually going to believe the results. I would be happy to take a poly of H wanted it. But if we spent that money and did all that and THEN he still fed his doubts and wouldn't believe me because after all that "you could have beat the poly, jane..."

 

I don't care how remorseful I am. That's gonna tick me off and make me think that he just wants to CHOOSE disbelief for some self-serving reason.

[Steadfast]

But if we spent that money and did all that and THEN he still fed his doubts and wouldn't believe me because after all that "you could have beat the poly, jane..."

 

I don't care how remorseful I am. That's gonna tick me off and make me think that he just wants to CHOOSE disbelief for some self-serving reason.

 

Isn't it the truth?

 

Don't we open ourselves to risk when in a romance/relationship? Isn't that part of it? Sure, nobody likes it when it comes apart, but wrong as it is, these things do happen. That's why no one should lose themselves in any relationship, or allow themselves to feel trapped by relationship trappings.

 

If someone breaks a promise or lies habitually, it's on them. Not you.

[katielee]

 

If someone breaks a promise or lies habitually, it's on them. Not you.

 

and if they don't feel badly about it, well, there's your answer.

[dichotomy]

This post makes me doubt that you were not a WS or a BS. Because you have know understanding of the need for the BS to have the truth.

 

.

 

 

I assume this comment is towards me. I am a BS - PA in my first marriage and i divorced her, second marriage EA (but complicated) I decided to work on reconciliation.

 

My desire for truth has been extreme, I got most by spying, but I never considered or heard of a polygraph for affairs - it is foreign concept to me. For my wife's EA it is now many years and I would not considered it now, but I want to understand how this works.

 

Let me also add - for what its worth - after many years of marriage to my second wife, I have found her to have extremely faulty or selective memory issues on the most ordinary events in our own marriage, her own mother has confirmed she has had troubles recalling things as they really happend since she was a teenager.

Edited October 18, 2013 by dichotomy

[underwater2010]

They can be inaccurate. Therefore not an option in my book. But from what I see just the threat is usually enough for full confession.

[carhill]

BS or WS - so whats your thoughts on polygraphs?

 

As a fWS, I have no issues with polygraphs and polygraphers, presuming professional and credentialed practitioners and certified machinery are used, like in matters of law enforcement. In my case, a polygraph would have given my exW no more information than everything which was discussed/revealed inside and outside of MC. I figure five or so sessions of MC were worth more than a polygraph. YMMV.

[PoopHappens]

In this age of high tech gadgets, I see no reason not to employ them. They will quickly establish the truth, whatever that may be. If the affair is finished, perhaps, just perhaps, you can consider yourself lucky.

[whatatangledweb]

I believe they are inaccurate. If you are upset or nervous it can throw the whole test off. As a BS I would not take one.

[katielee]

every once in a while I offer to take one...

[Lokahi117]

They are far more accurate than most people think. They are used in all manners of law enforcement. The idea of "they aren't allowed in court" having any reference to their reliability is laughable. I mean in some states a var is not allowed into court unless the person signs that they Agree to being recorded.....does that make var recordings inaccurate and doubted just because the court does not allow them. What the court and law allows, has nothing to do with truth and fairness.

 

And a parking lot confession will often occur if the repercussions of the failing test are real and known. And the ws believes that the bs will follow through.

 

And the idea of being nervous throwing them off also is not supported by the facts. Again used in all manners of important cases and law enforcement aspects. But a true sosciopath can beat them because they feel nothing....ever about anything.....but they are masters at emulating human emotions. So if you have one of those as your ws then you'd either know already, or be totally clueless.

 

Most of these tests can be done by contacting a place that does probation and parole drug testing. As this is often a requirement of being on parole that you submit to one when requested. And the cost through such a place is around 250.

[Lokahi117]

Having read the above information provided by coolit, thank you. I notice they are lumping together workplace screening polygraphs with the results of specific incident polygraph. They state quite clearly that based on the way the tests are by nature, it would be less accurate in cases of asking about base generalities ie have you ever fantasizes about anyone at your place of work vs have you had sexual intercourse with so so? One question is far to general to illicit an easily interpretable response. So in e case of a cheating spouse the test may prove the most accurate for a spouse who has only cheated once or rather will only be questioned about the singular instance or partner. . .still most bad results can be ruled out by taking a second test. They only get more accurate by the law of averages.....chances of failing the same question two or three separate times is far less likely to be faulty testing.

[Criticality]

A lie detector is probably less reliable when it comes to cheating spouses.

 

First of all, a lie detector can easily be tricked. Yes, much depends on the experience of the person operating it, but its not hard to figure out how to throw the test. The information is available.

 

The bigger issue is, that in order for the LD to work as intended, the subject has to exhibit a normal attitude towards truth, lies and dishonesty.

 

The LD reacts because most people are uncomfortable with deception, and show a physical reaction to that incomfort.

 

A cheating spouse however, especially one who has been good at being deceptive for years, has gotten so comfortable with it, and is so used to being deceptive, that his unconscious reactions might not stand out very much.

 

Likewise the stress from possible divorce etc. may give more false positives than in cases that doesn't include fidelity.

[HtotheN]

BS or WS - so whats your thoughts on polygraphs?

 

I have had more than one d-day. I would not bother with a polygraph. After much reflection, I have come to realize that the first betrayal killed my love for him, so a polygraph would have been unnecessary. Plus, I ALWAYS knew. My intuition has always been quite strong; I might not have known the particulars (which skank, etc.) but I always knew that SOMETHING was going on.

 

I became quite the amateur detective/hacker but I did not sign up for that and I firmly believe that the minute you start snooping, it should be over because there is NO TRUST, and trust is absolutely essential, is it not? Life is too short and as my daughter says, "YOLO!"

[D-Lish]

I think the best lie detector test is your own instinct. IMHO, If you feel the need to ask your SO for a lie detector test- you're already reading something wrong with the relationship.

[crederer]

I think if you're in a position where a polygraph is a serious consideration, you should probably just end the relationship.

[Spark1111]

people with nothing to hide...hide nothing.

 

A willing eagerness to submit to a polygraph test is probably a great indicator that a WS has and will continue to tell the unvarnished truth regarding their affair.

 

It is also a great indication of how they are willing to do anything within their power to help a BS to heal.

 

All good, IMO, although I have never asked nor wanted one.

 

Those who were successfully lied to and trickle-truthed to for months may today regret they did not insist on one.

 

They may have discovered the truth of their life much sooner.

 

I say go for it IF it helps you decide to stay or to go.

[Spark1111]

I think if you're in a position where a polygraph is a serious consideration, you should probably just end the relationship.

 

easy to say but very difficult to execute in the weeks and months after DDay.

 

You do NOT have a relationship because you have just discovered your spouse has been having sex with another and lying daily to your face about it while going through the motions of being married to you.....and they are actually engaged, happy, and sexual with you during the affair.

 

Then they cry, dissolve and beg to stay married....all the while still keeping in contact with the AP secretly.

 

I say polygraph is a better solution than....violence. Go for it if it helps you decide.

[road]

people with nothing to hide...hide nothing.

 

A willing eagerness to submit to a polygraph test is probably a great indicator that a WS has and will continue to tell the unvarnished truth regarding their affair.

 

It is also a great indication of how they are willing to do anything within their power to help a BS to heal.

 

All good, IMO, although I have never asked nor wanted one.

 

Those who were successfully lied to and trickle-truthed to for months may today regret they did not insist on one.

 

They may have discovered the truth of their life much sooner.

 

I say go for it IF it helps you decide to stay or to go.

 

easy to say but very difficult to execute in the weeks and months after DDay.

 

You do NOT have a relationship because you have just discovered your spouse has been having sex with another and lying daily to your face about it while going through the motions of being married to you.....and they are actually engaged, happy, and sexual with you during the affair.

 

Then they cry, dissolve and beg to stay married....all the while still keeping in contact with the AP secretly.

 

I say polygraph is a better solution than....violence. Go for it if it helps you decide.

 

 

Exactly, people with nothing to hide hide nothing. How can a WS stand there with a straight face and say to the BS why can you not believe me when I say I have told you everything about the affair?

 

Poly is about getting the truth out and confirming that.

 

Trust can never be repaired without the truth. With holding the truth is still lying. Lying by omission.

[Jonah]

It sounds bizarre to me. I can imagine Almost comical! Certainly worthy of some youtube videos. "Yes! Yes! I admit it! I did have multiple orgasms! Now can we please go get something to eat? I'm starved!" I think there are some betrayed wives would rather the waterboard. Wonderwoman just just used her rope... right?