Wonderful Fiancé - with unwanted baggage!

October 18, 2013

I really would appreciate some advice because it feels like I am going crazy lately! I have the most wonderful fiancé- we met two years ago and things are fantastic!! This really is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. However I have been stalling on setting a wedding date. This is because I am not sure i can or want to handle his ex wife and 9 year old stepson.

He is 37 and has been divorced for four years. He has a good relationship with his son whom he sees every day (picks him up from school after care) and the child spends every second weekend with us. There is a cordial relationship with his ex wife.

I am 33, I have never been married and I have no children. Two years ago we met and its been fantastic ever since, except that my relationship with his wife and son seems to be on a constant downhill.

I do not speak to his wife and want nothing to do with her. I am so sick and tired of her constantly criticizing me and saying that I don't know how to look after children because I have none. It amazes me as her own child prefers to be with me and his Dad because Mom is always drinking and entertaining men. I am tired of this woman whom I honestly regard as uneducated low class trash meddling in my relationship. I told my fiancé to speak to her and to some extent she has backed off. "Mother of the Year" believes I should not be around her son - only his Dad. We live together! Am I to move out of my own home when her son visits?

Then his son- he is constantly telling me Mom this and Mom that... He has taken to breaking my things- some valuable and some of great sentimental value. I believe deliberately. I look at him and I see his Mother- another unwelcome person on my life.

I am at the point where I can't stand either of them. I have tried so hard to be kind and loving to his son. I have tried to be accommodating to his ex wife. I am at the point where I just want to say &@$ them!! I did not wreck there once happy family if ever it was. Why do they want to destroy my happiness?

I can honestly say I hate his ex wife and son!! I don't want them on my life. Please don't give me self righteous advice about knowing what I was getting into in dating a divorced person with a child. How could I know? I wasn't ever married, I don't have children and I am not psychic. Please don't tell me that I need to love his child. In what relationship or in meeting people are you forced to love them? I am past trying with this people.

I can end this relationship with a man I love dearly because his baggage is intolerable!! Or I can ask him to move with me 1000 miles away and I don't need to see his past trash every day. I am at my wits end already!!

Please help me. And if its sounds me, me, me... Selfish I don't care. I am sick of considering these people and putting their needs first. Fat lot of good it did me.

Edited October 18, 2013 by CherryPip

October 18, 2013

having animosity between care givers is not good, its not good for the son,what the mum is doing may be wrong but you cannot say that in front of the son or let him see your animosity...... your best thoughts are and should be....what she says is inconsequential...the son will see grace under fire with you....let it be that way....makes you the compassionate care giver who is justified in parenting the right way not the wrong way...teach the son how to be by your actions...if you hate him consdier thsi is nto the relationship for you i think professional family therapy is needed for you to deal with hateful thoughts you have towards the son and the way he treats you needs to be dealt with also the way he treats what you own..........good luck ...deb

Edited October 18, 2013 by todreaminblue

October 18, 2013

I can honestly say I hate his ex wife and son!! I don't want them on my life...

Or I can ask him to move with me 1000 miles away and I don't need to see his past trash every day...

Selfish I don't care. I am sick of considering these people and putting their needs first. Fat lot of good it did me.

This is not the relationship for you, unless you are willing to live in separate houses and only see your partner when his son isn't around.

He needs to put the well-being of his son before the preferences of his new woman for close to the next decade, and being with a woman who hates him is not doing that.

Have you told your partner how you feel? (And if you did, and he still thinks it's a good idea to marry you when you feel this way, I question his fitness as a parent).

I think you need to find a guy without a kid.

October 18, 2013

This whole situation just makes me want to cry. I have tried everything to be civil to his ex wife- I can not help that I don't have children yet... But having children does not make you fit to care for them. I did not end her marriage, but I was constantly told what a home wrecker I am. I really think that woman is extremely bitter or mentally disturbed.

The child I feel sorry for. I have done everything I can to be kind a loving to him. Now he breaks my things... I am sooooo tired of hiding how I feel. It is like a doormat, a hostage to a previous relationship/marriage that went bust.

I don't have the emotional resources to deal with the ex wife or a vindictive child egged on by his mother.

Do I need therapy? No. My life was completely normal before we decided to get married. Now all I can think about is moving away - miles away. I don't like the idea of depriving a child of his father, but I see no other way to make my relationship work.

October 18, 2013

I don't like the idea of depriving a child of his father, but I see no other way to make my relationship work.

It sounds tough, but that's his child, and I think it would be very wrong for him to abandon his child for a new woman.

I actually think the answer to your problem is very simple, unlike a lot of the problems here. He's got an underage child that you hate. This is not the guy for you to be in a close relationship with at this time, under these circumstances.

October 18, 2013

This whole situation just makes me want to cry. I have tried everything to be civil to his ex wife- I can not help that I don't have children yet... But having children does not make you fit to care for them. I did not end her marriage, but I was constantly told what a home wrecker I am. I really think that woman is extremely bitter or mentally disturbed.

The child I feel sorry for. I have done everything I can to be kind a loving to him. Now he breaks my things... I am sooooo tired of hiding how I feel. It is like a doormat, a hostage to a previous relationship/marriage that went bust.

I don't have the emotional resources to deal with the ex wife or a vindictive child egged on by his mother.

Do I need therapy? No. My life was completely normal before we decided to get married. Now all I can think about is moving away - miles away. I don't like the idea of depriving a child of his father, but I see no other way to make my relationship work.

you need therapy trust me...you might not have needed it before .but you do now........

you have to accept that this child is part of your partners life....you cannot resent him like you cannot be resented for not having children or judged for not having them either....family therapy would be best because that is what you are part of now..there is behavior also from the son that needs to be addressed

the father needs to be supportive of strategies to deal with this and change for the better...

you cannot pick and choose to split a family up if you were to enforce no child from your partner.....

or take his dad away you are wrecking a relationship that was around before you were......

what the son is doing is instigated by the mum.....

you can make it better you know have faith in your compassion and project that compassion outwards to surround the boy..dont hate him ...love him more than you ever think you could............you have to try or honestly...walk away from the both of them.....deb.....

October 18, 2013

I am also a divorced mother with a child of about the same age. My xH also married a young know it all trophy wife. However there are two sides to a story.I hate it when ex's use their children to meddle in the relationships of there X. Parents should keep the children out of how they feel about there X. Clearly this boy is picking up on vibes from his mother and taking it out on you. His parents - both mother and father- should discipline him and teach him what is right and wrong.

I don't agree his Dad should consider his child's happiness before his own. Does the father have no right to a relationship with someone besides the boy and his mother? No. He does have a right to make a new life. If there Mom and son wont be part of his solution, then they are the problem. Move away with your fiancé and be happy. His old family have no right to destroy new happiness. As long as he meets his commitments to his child, things should be fine. The nonsense that his life needs to revolve around his misbehaving son and vindictive xW is short sighted. If you want to be happy and his family won't support you and him, then move. Life is too short to deal with other people who cause you grief. You have the right to be happy without the crazies dragging you down.

October 18, 2013

Does the father have no right to a relationship with someone besides the boy and his mother? No. He does have a right to make a new life. If there Mom and son wont be part of his solution, then they are the problem. Move away with your fiancé and be happy.

Wow. Of course the father has a right to make a new relationship with someone besides his son. But if that person hates the son, then he's got to choose the well-being of his son above the new woman. The son is 9, not 18. He didn't bring this new woman onto the planet, but he did choose to bring his son here, so he's got special responsibilities towards him while he's a minor. He needs to find a woman who accepts his son, or try to work it out with them so their relationship is better, but that's a really crappy father who'd move away with the fiance just to please her, and abandon his son. If his son is acting out, he's clearly not getting the parental guidance he needs.

No wonder why there are so many screwed up kids, if people think they can just abandon their responsibilities for a new love interest.

Edited October 18, 2013 by lollipopspot

October 18, 2013

If his son was better behaved, maybe a new woman would be accepting of the child. The world is messed up because people don't know how to raise their children properly. Your child is not a pawn in the war with your X. And for a child to break things means that child already has problems. Of course the father has responsibilities to his child! The child should be considered and loved by all. There are various solutions to this problem, but to me moving is a solution. It is not abandoning the child, it building a healthy relationship. I don't see how x and son will ever allow this guy to be happy in any relationship. Jealousy does make you nasty.

October 18, 2013

There are various solutions to this problem, but to me moving is a solution. It is not abandoning the child, it building a healthy relationship.

If he moves, how is that building a healthy relationship with the child? He won't be there to parent the child, who is clearly having issues.

October 18, 2013

If he moves, how is that building a healthy relationship with the child? He won't be there to parent the child, who is clearly having issues.

The child either learns discipline and behaves - this is paramount. You can't have a child acting out because he doesn't like his new situation. His parents are divorced- the child needs help or therapy adjusting to this. The parents of the child need to sort this. It is grossly unfair that a new spouse or partner is on the receiving end of unresolved issues between divorced parents.

They work it out or the Dad moves with his new fiancé. If the fiancé is the source of the child's aggravation then at least contact is minimized.

The child does not have the right to dictate relationship or who parents should be involved with.

As to building a healthy relationship, its a healthy relationship between the adults, especially the fiancé and his Dad. The child can go ahead and make his mother miserable. Seems to me they are the source of this conflict.

I would still advise CherryPip to move if the behavior of the child does not change. His parents can work out a visitation schedule.

October 18, 2013

Forgetting your guy and his son for a moment..if you can...what are your thoughts about children or being a mom. 33 is not too late by any means to have your own - and I did not read about your life plans.

October 18, 2013

They work it out or the Dad moves with his new fiancé...

The child does not have the right to dictate relationship or who parents should be involved with.

As to building a healthy relationship, its a healthy relationship between the adults, especially the fiancé and his Dad. The child can go ahead and make his mother miserable. Seems to me they are the source of this conflict.
I would still advise CherryPip to move if the behavior of the child does not change. His parents can work out a visitation schedule.

If the new lover hates the child, I don't even see how a visitation schedule will work, and the parent ought not to be involved with a person who hates their minor child, unless they can heal that relationship.

So if the kid can't get help and manage more acceptable behavior (with a woman who hates him), the dad takes off. That's some parenting. If the kid has a serious behavior problem, he needs help, and that ought to be a priority over the parent's sex life.

If you would have been with a man who hated your kids, to me that's messed up.

October 18, 2013

This would be a deal breaker in my book and should be a deal breaker in his (and yours).

He has a son that you cannot stand and whom can't stand you. His ex wife is all types of crazy and she will never be permanently out of your lives as they share a child.

I'd end this relationship whether than deal with this.

October 18, 2013

The child either learns discipline and behaves - this is paramount. You can't have a child acting out because he doesn't like his new situation. His parents are divorced- the child needs help or therapy adjusting to this. The parents of the child need to sort this. It is grossly unfair that a new spouse or partner is on the receiving end of unresolved issues between divorced parents.
They work it out or the Dad moves with his new fiancé. If the fiancé is the source of the child's aggravation then at least contact is minimized.
The child does not have the right to dictate relationship or who parents should be involved with.
As to building a healthy relationship, its a healthy relationship between the adults, especially the fiancé and his Dad. The child can go ahead and make his mother miserable. Seems to me they are the source of this conflict.
I would still advise CherryPip to move if the behavior of the child does not change. His parents can work out a visitation schedule.

the child needs either learns disciplines and behaves you forgot the "or else what".........not sure i agree......my daughter acted out quite badly after the break up my ex left for an affair partner....devastated her.and he two sisters..the effects of break ups on some kids are devastating......far reaching...long lasting......cant stress enough about therapy for all.....resentment and jealousy, back biting and playing adults against adult by using the child as a go between

a child taught jealousy and hatred from one adult to another adult, disregard portrayed by all adults and delivered by a vehicle known as a young boy..no wonder the child is messed up....and the boy need discipline...no the kid needs therapy and the adults need to behave like loving compassionate parents whether they like it or not.......stuff up a child's life because you cant keep your act together or honor family commitment.......place blame where blame is due...dont blame the child.....help the child through it with boundaries and firm guidance and without back biting backstabbing when he goes from home to home with different rules and conditions..the father does need to step up ...mayeb take him fishing show him some love and understanding......think of the child not themselves...selfish.....he is NINE YEARS OLD...do you know how hard that is for a child EVEN a teen...let alone a nine year old.....this thread is getting sadder i swear...sorry...i think it is horrible all round.....and something needs to be done....professionally by a caring neutral family counsellor...who get to the crux of the problem and the issues that are going to keep happening.....th elast thing this boy needs is for his father to disappear...........deb .........

Edited October 18, 2013 by todreaminblue

October 18, 2013

I don't have an answer for you, but this kind of situation is exactly why I don't date men with children under 18 or children over 18 who still live at home.

My BF has a 22 year old, but I've never even met her during the year we've been dating. She's in school out of state.

Since marriage is not a priority to me and I don't want children, I knew at some point I'd probably be dating some divorced men with children. I just came up with my personal rule and stuck to it. It makes life so much simpler.

October 18, 2013

Cherry at 9 year old the child is really not responsible for his actions, his parents are... that means if he destroys your stuff, your fiance needs to step in... if he can't then you need to find someone else because he is not the one for you - HE is not able to handle his baggage.

As for the evil ex wife, who cares what she thinks of you, really, but is your fiance supportive when she attacks you verbally?

I see all of this as HIS problem to resolve, not yours, not the child, not the ex wife - it's all on him. If he can't do it then he does not deserve you.

October 18, 2013

Thank you very much for all the interesting perspectives and different opinions. I have spent much of my day thinking about the situation and considering the responses. I have come to a few realizations:

This situation is a deal breaker for me. It needs to change as I can not tolerate it any longer.

I have spent an additional 18 months in a city after completing a post grad degree because I wanted to work on my relationship and accommodate the fact that my fiancé has a minor son. I have done everything I can to have a cordial relationship with his ex wife and his son. Staying on all this time was because of his son. I could have continued my career here and become part of a "blended family". Instead I was shown nothing but hostility by a bitter ex wife and a child who wants to please his Mom. I have never ever been nasty to this child but I can not hide my unhappiness any longer.

His Dad loves him. He is the most supportive and considerate man when it comes to his child. However, his previous relationship ended because of negative interference from his ex wife and son. I don't wish to be part of their pattern.

I do not see why I must love a child who is rude to me, and disrespectful of me and my things. It is pure emotional terrorism and I find it ludicrous that I need to "love" my abuser... What planet is this thinking from? His age is inconsequential - where I could have been a positive influence, instead I am treated like crap for no reason.

I did not make the ex wife or son any promises- I owe them nothing. If I knew what mayhem ex spouses and children could be I would never have gotten involved in this situation.

As I owe them nothing, I have decided to tell my fiancé that I am moving back home. If he wants to, he can move with me or we can end our relationship. I am not prepared to have his child or ex wife as a daily part of my life. If we break up, rather now than waste any more time. If he comes with, well then I don't feel sorry for his son or his ex wife- they want me out of their lives, it comes at a cost.

October 18, 2013

May I offer some perspective from someone who is also marrying a man with children and a toxic ExW? My fiance's kids are 11, 14 & 15. The 15-year old doesn't live with us because he is handicapped but the 11 year old boy is my cross to bear.

I have been very open with my fiancé about the difficulties with his son and there is a frank truth about children of that age: They are pre-adolescent boys who are almost alien creatures with minds of their own. And they grow up.

So you are looking at this situation as one that will never change and this 9-year old boy that you hate will not always be a 9-year old boy.

I do not see why I must love a child who is rude to me

You don't need to love him. But you should show him compassion and understanding for being a child of a broken home.

disrespectful of me and my things.

Please bear in mind that THINGS are just that = things. The fact that he is disrespecting YOU is something your fiance should help fix.

where I could have been a positive influence, instead I am treated like crap for no reason.

Of course there is a reason. You are a threat to his mother. I am treated the same and my fiance's ExW if just as nasty to and about me.

However, I am looking at the big picture of where we all wish to be a year or two or five or ten from now. You are being myopic (not surprisingly for a 33-year old) in looking at the immediate. Do you want to grow old with this man? than fight for that opportunity. But giving him an ultimatum will only push him away.

October 18, 2013

Jesus christ the kid is 9 years old.

Are you joking?

So what if he is 9? At what age is his behavior acceptable to you?

Why should I consider the child when no consideration or decency is shown towards me?

Do you consider people who are abusive towards you?

I am serious. I am moving. With or without my fiancé. If things were different I would have stayed put and helped him raise his child close to where the Mother lives. I am not having them in my life - that is my choice. I am not a doormat to misbehaving child and his disfunctional mother. They had a choice to make things different. They chose the offensive path.

I may lose my fiancé or I may gain a life free of every day abuse from a minor child.

October 18, 2013

A 9 year old kid.

You must be a troll.

I am not a troll. I am a real woman with a real problem. The fact that I don't see things your way makes me a troll? Get over yourself please. This is a very real situation and your minimizing it doesn't help.

What is the hangup with the child being 9? Is rude destructive behavior acceptable at that age? Maybe for you, but my life is not going to be run by a 9 year old bully.

What is it that I should do in your opinion? Walk away because his life and relationship is more important than mine? What you don't seem to realise is that I didnt start this mess, but I sure as hell am going to end it.

October 18, 2013

It is great that you have some perspective. I think you are playing Russian Roulette with your relationship. I don't agree with some of the posters that the kid gets a free pass on bad behavior. He needs counseling and his Mum needs to realized she is divorced. It does not seem like she acts in the best interest of her child. Good luck on your move. Hopefully things work out well for you. I do agree with you on one thing: if your fiancé moves with you, it's psycho Mom's fault. Poor kid. Probably a candidate for the FBIs most wanted in a few years.

October 18, 2013

Coming from a son who was hated by a step father.

You need to leave. Sorry that this man is amazing but that's really too bad.

October 18, 2013

Thank you very much for all the interesting perspectives and different opinions. I have spent much of my day thinking about the situation and considering the responses. I have come to a few realizations:

This situation is a deal breaker for me. It needs to change as I can not tolerate it any longer.

I have spent an additional 18 months in a city after completing a post grad degree because I wanted to work on my relationship and accommodate the fact that my fiancé has a minor son. I have done everything I can to have a cordial relationship with his ex wife and his son. Staying on all this time was because of his son. I could have continued my career here and become part of a "blended family". Instead I was shown nothing but hostility by a bitter ex wife and a child who wants to please his Mom. I have never ever been nasty to this child but I can not hide my unhappiness any longer.

His Dad loves him. He is the most supportive and considerate man when it comes to his child. However, his previous relationship ended because of negative interference from his ex wife and son. I don't wish to be part of their pattern.

I do not see why I must love a child who is rude to me, and disrespectful of me and my things. It is pure emotional terrorism and I find it ludicrous that I need to "love" my abuser... What planet is this thinking from? His age is inconsequential - where I could have been a positive influence, instead I am treated like crap for no reason.

I did not make the ex wife or son any promises- I owe them nothing. If I knew what mayhem ex spouses and children could be I would never have gotten involved in this situation.

As I owe them nothing, I have decided to tell my fiancé that I am moving back home. If he wants to, he can move with me or we can end our relationship. I am not prepared to have his child or ex wife as a daily part of my life. If we break up, rather now than waste any more time. If he comes with, well then I don't feel sorry for his son or his ex wife- they want me out of their lives, it comes at a cost.

Wow just wow. So you would really be with a man who abandons his child for you.

IF he does this is just proves the your fiance is a ow life. Who does that. Do you have any idea the amount of damage parental abandonment does to a kid. Do you even think he would consider leaving his child behind for you?

I find this whole thread thoroughly repugnant.

October 18, 2013

IF he does this is just proves the your fiance is a ow life. Who does that. Do you have any idea the amount of damage parental abandonment does to a kid. Do you even think he would consider leaving his child behind for you?

I find this whole thread thoroughly repugnant.

^^^ THIS, THIS, THIS ^^^

Seriously, CherryPip - are you actually hoping your fiancé will move with you?

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