Facebook Revenge ... ?

[antonio1149]

My ex-girlfriend and I dated for a year and remained great friends after our breakup. She "adored" me right up until she met a new guy and fell in love. He was jealous; right about that time, she trash talked me and cut me off. It's been 15 months and we haven't spoken since. I blocked her on Facebook and deleted all her family and friends. We've had no contact other than a couple of brief holiday emails (from me). She's shown no interest in having me in her life ... directly.

 

Recently, I found out she is still "friends" with some of my family members. I wrote and asked her to defriend them. After getting mad at me for "telling her what to do," she said she defriended some but wanted to keep a few that she has "developed friendships" with. I find this a little hard to believe. She only met them a few times, and they all live far away. She is living with her new boyfriend and seems perfectly happy, constantly posting lovey-dovey couples pictures and commenting about how great he is (so I hear). Why would she want to keep connections, even indirectly, to me? I know she still had feelings for me even after the breakup. Wouldn't she unavoidably think of me every time she sees one of my relatives online? Is this just the classic "posting happy pictures of me and my lover and letting your family see them so I can somehow make you jealous" tactic?

[CarrieT]

Is this just the classic "posting happy pictures of me and my lover and letting your family see them so I can somehow make you jealous" tactic?

Yep - and it is obviously working.

 

Why do you REALLY care who she is friends with? What's it to you?

 

 

 

Let it go....

[Ireallydontknow]

If you were full NC you wouldn't know who she had added.

[mtnbiker3000]

Man, there should be a sub-forum for Facebook.

 

Social Media is ridiculous. It has about 15% redeemable qualities for LD connections. Otherwise it's for kids (or the immature)...

[StyleOnEm]

Buddy, you need to let it go.

 

Let her live her life. And you need to start living yours by not over analyzing.

[Archanaart]

And this is why I refuse to add my boyfriend on Facebook or update my relationship status.

 

It's dumb, meaningless, and causes unnecessary drama if a breakup does occur.

I don't need Facebook to validate my relationship.

 

And move on. Who cares who her friends are.

[JoelBarish]

Why don't your family unfriend her? Whose side are they on?

[antonio1149]

If you were full NC you wouldn't know who she had added.

 

I was trying to be full NC--she wasn't. I get together with my family and the ex is regularly mentioned, because they're all on FB and see her posts. Recently, someone commented on how happy she looks with the new guy, which prompted me to contact her. Rather than try to figure out all the family members who are still connected, I figured it would be easier just to ask one person--my ex.

[antonio1149]

Yep - and it is obviously working.

 

Yes... it is. I still have sadness about what happened, and hurt feelings about being abruptly cut off as a friend when another guy entered the picture. And that's why I don't want to hear about her.

 

Why do you REALLY care who she is friends with? What's it to you?

See my other response about family members.

 

Let it go....

[JoelBarish]

Show no mercy because you will be shown none.

[antonio1149]

Buddy, you need to let it go.

 

Let her live her life. And you need to start living yours by not over analyzing.

 

I appreciate all the "let it go" suggestions, but that thought has already occurred to me.

 

I was hoping someone might attempt to answer the original question, which is, why would an ex who has apparently moved on and is happily in a new relationship, and not talking to you, want to maintain Facebook connections with your family?

[JoelBarish]

Does it matter why? Maybe she's doing it to hurt you. Maybe she's doing it because you told her not to. Maybe she genuinely cares for these people. Maybe she doesn't understand boundaries. Who knows

[aybc123]

The way your ex treated you sounds pretty familiar, wants to be best friends because it's an emotional crutch until she meets a new guy she likes and then drops you like a ton of bricks. This kind of behaviour is common in emotionally needy people who always need to be in a relationship to feel ok. If they cant immediately find another person to move onto they will hang onto an ex being the best friend until they do because the validation of the ex caring about them is enough to keep them going. Yes this is a very self-centered way to act and it doesnt mean the way they felt wasnt real its just, i dunno hard to explain.

 

Anyway chances are that being needy she's also the type of person who needs a lot of people around her validating her. Since we're talking facebook that means lots of photo updates and changes of profile pictures to acquire likes etc. Needy people get their self worth from others, mainly from an SO but also from friends. so the more people who see their actions/happiness the better ESPECIALLY if some of those people are family/friends of an EX. Clearly she doesnt want you back in her life (sorry) she might get in contact with you if she breaks up with her current guy because she will need to get her validation from somewhere else but seriously are you going to wait that long? But, she probably does get a bit of a kick out of knowing you know just how happy she is (whether she actually is or not). So i guess she probably has some unresolved feelings for you somewhere down there but there's nothing you can do about them so I wouldnt get hung up on it.

 

After 15 months broken up of a 12 month relationship, it's time to be moving on bud, you can do better, get back out there

Edited October 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Compliance with guidelines.

[Emilia]

I was trying to be full NC--she wasn't. I get together with my family and the ex is regularly mentioned, because they're all on FB and see her posts. Recently, someone commented on how happy she looks with the new guy, which prompted me to contact her. Rather than try to figure out all the family members who are still connected, I figured it would be easier just to ask one person--my ex.

Your family are *******s. Tell them not to mention her and ask them to defriend.

[CarrieT]

I was hoping someone might attempt to answer the original question, which is, why would an ex who has apparently moved on and is happily in a new relationship, and not talking to you, want to maintain Facebook connections with your family?

 

Because she knows it bothers you. That's all.

 

And that is why we are all telling you to Let It Go. Get to that state where it is no big deal and you know it is just game-playing on her part. The more you stew about it and try and figure out her motivations, the more you are playing into her manipulations.

[antonio1149]

The way your ex treated you sounds pretty familiar, wants to be best friends because it's an emotional crutch until she meets a new guy she likes and then drops you like a ton of bricks.

 

Awesome analysis, aybc123--thanks! Lots of great food for thought here.

 

This kind of behaviour is common in emotionally needy people who always need to be in a relationship to feel ok. If they cant immediately find another person to move onto they will hang onto an ex being the best friend until they do because the validation of the ex caring about them is enough to keep them going. Yes this is a very self-centered way to act and it doesnt mean the way they felt wasnt real its just, i dunno hard to explain.

To be fair, some more detail: my ex-gf was 22-23 y.o. when we dated. Mature in many ways, but still very much in the "growing up years." I'm much older. Plus, she had always been heavy and therefore didn't have much experience before me. So I cut her a lot of slack for that. I could've had her back at any time during our "friendship"--even after she met the new guy and "fell in love," she let me know that they didn't have the same connection she had with me. She was sort of acting out sexually through that whole period and I just felt like she needed to grow up a bit more, so I held back. The new guy was actually one of her hook-ups, but he adored her--she had lost weight by then, and he didn't know about the promiscuity--and eventually he won her heart.

 

Anyway chances are that being needy she's also the type of person who needs a lot of people around her validating her. Since we're talking facebook that means lots of photo updates and changes of profile pictures to acquire likes etc. Needy people get their self worth from others, mainly from an SO but also from friends.

How true. I think that kind of thing is not unusual for people in her age range.

 

so the more people who see their actions/happiness the better ESPECIALLY if some of those people are family/friends of an EX. Clearly she doesnt want you back in her life (sorry) she might get in contact with you if she breaks up with her current guy because she will need to get her validation from somewhere else but seriously are you going to wait that long? But, she probably does get a bit of a kick out of knowing you know just how happy she is (whether she actually is or not).

I know a lot of people are going to hate this, but I actually wrote to her and *told* her I know she's happy and that I'm happy for her. I meant it. When we were together, her weight was an issue. Every woman wants to feel like her man is totally hot for her, and I know I didn't make her feel that way. I couldn't help it, but I feel bad about it. She never cheated on me or hurt me in any intentional ways. The other things that didn't work for me were mostly due to youthful immaturity, which wasn't really her fault.

 

So I kind of wouldn't mind if she knows I care, that I'm thinking about her, wishing the best for her, and a little sad that things weren't different. But I know she's in a place where my presence is unwelcome. At least, I think so. The Facebook "I'm still friends with your family" thing has me wondering a little.

 

After 15 months broken up of a 12 month relationship, it's time to be moving on bud, you can do better, get back out there

I've moved on. I haven't been obsessing over her, or even thinking much about her until the recent family update and contact with her brought back a lot of feelings. I'm a decent-looking guy, I've dated other women. Haven't found anyone yet. The good qualities that my ex had are not easy to find (sigh).

[Copelandsanity]

I'm sorry, but are we seriously talking about getting hung up over Facebook? FACEBOOK?!

[aybc123]

I'm a decent-looking guy, I've dated other women. Haven't found anyone yet. The good qualities that my ex had are not easy to find (sigh).

 

I know this feeling only too well. Both currently and after my last bad break up I dated several different girls quite soon after and made sure I put myself in places where I would be forced to meet a lot of new people, it helps in one way with moving on. But, I think we always look for someone like the person who most recently broke our heart, I mean we loved them, so you want to find someone like them, except that this is extremely unlikely so you just end up dating people for a few weeks and not really 'feeling it'. Unless you get extremely lucky and happen on someone who is an amazing match for you that also matches your desire to find someone with similar qualities to your ex then you just have to tough it out. Eventually someone will come along who will completely redefine what it is you look for in a partner without you even realising it (which is most of the reason why i think people look back and cant understand why they were so upset about being dumped by this person they would no longer ever be romantically interested in).

 

I dont think telling her youre glad shes happy is a bad thing. I dont really understand all the forced hostility people like to put across, they're still the same person you loved after all. You do need to tell your family to stop telling you **** about her Facebook updates etc though.

[Sugarkane]

She's doing it because she knows this would happen.

But why must your family be FB friends with her? Are they co workers or something? Why is it so necessary? Heck every mutual friend blocked me and cut me off and I wasn't even the cheater.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, I would have addressed it with your family first instead of her. Would have been a lot less dramatic that way. For example, earlier this year a female friend of mine asked another friend and I to delete her ex-boyfriend from our friends list because she feels uncomfortable with him and didn't like seeing him like or comment on our statuses. I did it right away -- I had no real connection to him besides her and the only reason I didn't delete him was because I generally don't pay attention to most of my Facebook friends and don't care enough to add or delete most people.

 

Either way, you definitely took the more dramatic, more confrontational, more unnecessary approach to this. I'm sure your family members would happily comply with this if you ask them.

[LuvsTrucks2]

The week I knew the STBXH was going to move out, I unfriended him and his entire family. The only person to contact me by phone was his mother. I basically told her that if anyone was genuine with wanting a relationship with me, they could contact me. So far, MIL was the only one.

[antonio1149]

I know this feeling only too well. Both currently and after my last bad break up I dated several different girls quite soon after and made sure I put myself in places where I would be forced to meet a lot of new people, it helps in one way with moving on. But, I think we always look for someone like the person who most recently broke our heart, I mean we loved them, so you want to find someone like them, except that this is extremely unlikely so you just end up dating people for a few weeks and not really 'feeling it'. Unless you get extremely lucky and happen on someone who is an amazing match for you that also matches your desire to find someone with similar qualities to your ex then you just have to tough it out. Eventually someone will come along who will completely redefine what it is you look for in a partner without you even realising it (which is most of the reason why i think people look back and cant understand why they were so upset about being dumped by this person they would no longer ever be romantically interested in).

 

Good points again. I know it takes me along time to find someone I'm really interested in--sometimes, years go by between relationships. My ex, despite her flaws, was in some ways a rare find. I thought she wasn't ready for a real relationship due to immaturity, but now that she's been in one for some time, it's making me second-guess myself. But I know that at the time, with all the promiscuity, I just wasn't feeling it.

 

I dont think telling her youre glad shes happy is a bad thing. I dont really understand all the forced hostility people like to put across, they're still the same person you loved after all. You do need to tell your family to stop telling you **** about her Facebook updates etc though.

I feel the same way--anyone I ever truly cared for still holds a place in my heart, even way in the back. Maybe that's not good for me, I don't know.

 

My ex de-friended the family members who were the main conveyors of information. The few she kept I'm not too worried about as we don't talk much.

[antonio1149]

She's doing it because she knows this would happen.

But why must your family be FB friends with her? Are they co workers or something? Why is it so necessary? Heck every mutual friend blocked me and cut me off and I wasn't even the cheater.

 

I remained friends with my ex after the breakup--she even came to a few family functions with me. I don't they really knew how things stood, or thought it was any big deal, and it really wasn't until recently when one sibling gave a particularly detailed account of my ex's social life which I would've prevented had I known it was coming.

[antonio1149]

Yeah, I would have addressed it with your family first instead of her. Would have been a lot less dramatic that way. For example, earlier this year a female friend of mine asked another friend and I to delete her ex-boyfriend from our friends list because she feels uncomfortable with him and didn't like seeing him like or comment on our statuses. I did it right away -- I had no real connection to him besides her and the only reason I didn't delete him was because I generally don't pay attention to most of my Facebook friends and don't care enough to add or delete most people.

 

Either way, you definitely took the more dramatic, more confrontational, more unnecessary approach to this. I'm sure your family members would happily comply with this if you ask them.

 

I have a large family, including siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I didn't know who was on her list, and I thought rather than having to track each person down and have separate conversations in which I inevitably aired some dirty laundry, I'd just go to one person. I had asked her to do this last year and it didn't get done, so I thought it was reasonable to give her a reminder. And frankly, I wanted to let her know that I knew she still had those contacts, and that I wasn't cool with it, and it least imply that it's inappropriate of her to cut me off but still keep my family as "friends" (though I didn't say this).

 

I wasn't looking for dramatics--I really thought I'd get a brief response saying "No problem--done" or something like that, and that would've been it. I was thrown off by her angry response---it started me wondering about if I had hurt her more than I knew and that got the whole emotional train rolling.

 

One thing that's still puzzling: I blocked her a long time ago, meaning we were invisible to each other, and she must have known it. After all this time, does she really still feel a need to play the "I'm posting happy pics so your family will see them and it will get back to you" card? And what other reason is there for still wanting to connect to some family members, unless she really does having meaningful friendships, which I doubt?

[Simon Phoenix]

One thing that's still puzzling: I blocked her a long time ago, meaning we were invisible to each other, and she must have known it. After all this time, does she really still feel a need to play the "I'm posting happy pics so your family will see them and it will get back to you" card? And what other reason is there for still wanting to connect to some family members, unless she really does having meaningful friendships, which I doubt?

 

The whole reason Facebook exists is to post happy pictures. Is she not supposed to post them because she broke up with a guy? I doubt she thought "Oh, Antonio's family is going to see these and tell him, he he he" when she posted them. As for the second part, who cares why she did it? Even if you knew the reason, what does that do? Nothing.