My crush thinks I'm a crazy psycho who's stalking her! (long post but pls read)

[Neuromancer13]

Hey ppl,

 

I'm currently going through the most painful period of my entire life so far... see my main problem is that the opposite sex either a) ignores me or b) hates me. I know that sounds kinda far-fetched, but that's the way it is. I've had a crush on a girl twice now, and both times the results were horrible:

 

The first time, when I was in high school, there was this girl who I sorta liked. So I tried to talk to her, trying to break the ice. Instantly she began to avoid me altogether... then one fine day this "friend" of mine sends her a love note (with my name on it) and she wastes no time in reporting it to the principal! Needless to say, it took a lot of convincing that I hadn't written the note, but I succeeded in convincing only the principal, not her. After that point, I had on several occasions overheard her making fun of me when with her friends... that hurt a lot.

 

But that's nothing compared to the 2nd one. Actually, this dates back to the time I was in grade school. (I'll explain, hang on.) I had a crush on this really cute gal, we used to be quiz team partners in interschool quizzes, and stuff like that. We were sorta okay friends. I didn't tell her anything abt my feelings, tho, since I thought it was too early for that sorta thing. Then we both changed schools, and were no longer in contact. Amazingly enough, 5 yrs later, we met during the entrance exam for my college. She seemed quite happy to see me and we talked for quite some time... however, I couldn't get thru that exam. I then waited 1 year and retried the entrance exam, and got thru easily. So now we're in the same college, but she's 1 year ahead of me. Anyways, I tried to talk to her on several occasions, but right off the bat I noticed there was something seriously screwy.

 

She never seemed to talk properly to me, always telling me, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have to go..." that sort of thing. She DID give me her cell number, but when I called her up, she accused me of stealing the number when she was giving it someone else. A couple of times I needed her help with some stuff (psychology notes, and at one time, I needed the contact info of an ad agency she'd done a summer job with) and every time I called, she would hang up on me without saying a word. When I mailed her (she told me to contact her STRICTLY thru email alone) asking her why she did that, she started yelling at me.

 

I told her how I felt about her and she displayed a strange mixture of support and hatred (yeah, I know, sounds strange, but that's how it was)

 

About 5-6 months after I joined, she got herself a boyfriend. By now I have been accused of being a stalker, maniac, psycho and her boyfriend has threatened to send me to jail. Her justification: when I try to contact her on her cell phone, I keep trying to call even if she hangs up. (Of course she never thinks it's possible for it to be legitimately urgent.)

 

I've tried everything I could, and I thought we had patched up to some extent. However, for the past couple of weeks she has stopped responding to all of my emails and IMs. Sometimes as soon as I say hi on IM she promptly goes offline.

 

And that's not all. I have noticed that absolutely NO female has ever been interested in talking to me. Even if I try to initiate the conversation, they never seem interested, always looking away, acting distracted, that sort of thing. Seeing as how poor my image is with the opposite sex, I'm having serious doubts about myself. My self-esteem is at an all-time low... please help!

 

I really need help in improving my image! I'm 19 now, and I've never been on a date or had a girlfriend or even just a casual female friend... please help! It almost seems as if I'm being used as a target for hatred by these females...

[NiCoLe20]

hmmm how do u look physically? ill give you some things girls dont really like:

 

long hair

braces

thick, big glasses-get contacts

frizzy hair

massive facial hair

crooked / yellow teeth

tight kmart jeans

huge feet

tight / short shirts

massive arm hair

bad breath

big ears

pimples

80's rock clothes

dirty sneakers

 

if some of these u have thatmight be a problem...try something different...get a crew cut, get a stud or two peirced in ur ear, change ur wardrobe...depending on the music you like you can wear anything from preppie (abercrombie & fitch ) to guido type (diesel, the faded jeans, spikey hair(my personal fav), um..the ghetto type (air force 1's, baggy jeans, ecko, sean john, enyce..) the surfer type which would be i guess stuff from pac sun lol ... theres a whole bunch of stuff...oh and all the girls like a guy that smells good... i think giorgio armani cologne and curve for men smells real good! well hope i kinda helped lol goo dluck bro

[Neuromancer13]

none of the stuff u mentioned in that list apply to me....

 

and anyway, could someone please explain why a girl i've known for so long suddenly begins to avoid me like the plague? and make fun of me in public? and threaten me about sending me to jail?? for no reason?

 

ignoring i can still understand, but why do these girls have to be so cruel towards me?

[gridiron]

Do you have any male friends? If you don't, it may be more interpersonal skills you need to work on, regardless of sex. Or maybe you are trying too hard and moving too fast, without establishing some kind of rapport first.

 

Work on your self-esteem first. No, not by acting confident around girls. Get to know what you like about yourself, your strengths, your beliefs, and what you are good at. Build up enough real confidence in yourself by achieving success in other areas of your life first. Then when you are happy enough with yourself where if a girl rejected you like the two before, you would pity them instead of yourself, you will be more ready and successful.

[Neuromancer13]

well, i have a whole bunch of male friends... and i did have good rapport with the 2nd girl i mentioned back in grade school, we did have good rapport going even in the first few days of college. then something went seriously wrong... for some reason she treats me like i am absolutely nobody, and she's put me through an unbearable amount of hurt and humiliation... and i'm not getting much friendliness from any other girls as well... sometimes i wind up in a group with some of my male friends' female friends but they make it a point to ignore me... this one time this girl had trouble opening up her cellphone to replace the battery or somethin... so i offered to help she immediately stepped away from me and handed the phone to my friend... somebody please explain why i'm being treated like this

[gridiron]

It's not adding up. I would ask your male friends this question, since they know you better. Ask the ones who consider you a good friend, so they will be honest. And just move on with the second girl and don't give her a second thought.

[Carmine]

I'm glad I registered here, the advice these guys have been giving people is just plain ridiculous.

 

So, a William Gibson fan, eh? Well then, let me tell you a few things:

 

First of all, most women do not care about physical appearance. You could have glasses, zits, and those "Tight K-mart jeans" that the previous poster claimed were death knells, but I can show you plenty of nasty-looking men with gorgeous women. I had one friend who looked EXACTLY like a blonde Shirley Manson (Lead singer of garbage) and she married a fat, out-of-shape, trailer park bumpkin. Why? Because he was "sweet" to her. You could be the best looking man on earth, and if you are a tool, you won't get anywhere. Trust me on that.

 

Secondly, I think you suffer from what I did through most of my life: Nice guy disease. Have women ever said you were like a "Brother" to them or that you would make someone ELSE very happy one day? Yeah, I thought so. You have Nice guy disease.

 

Don't worry though, it doesn't last forever. When you get to your mid to late 20's, it will change. The women who turn away from you now and walk with the macho jerks will get pregnant, abused, and left all alone....eventually realizing the type of guy they should have pursued in the first place. You.

 

Stick it out for another 5-8 years...can you do that? If the pain gets too great, remind yourself: It won't last forever. They'll come around. Just don't end up like me. Bitter, jaded, and hopeless. I damaged my "Nice guy" side so much that it no longer exists anymore.

 

Don't lose your niceness!

[Merin]

I'm sorry for what you're going through.. however in some ways it seems you set yourself up for it.

 

It seems you're lacking in the ability to read signs of interest in you as anything more than a friend or a casual aquaintance.. you seem to choose girls that YOU have an interest in (which is all okay and fine) however it becomes a problem when you continue to persue someone who has NOT shown you or encouraged you that they have a mutual interest in you.

 

You said that this last girl you liked has accused you of stalking her and not leaving her alone.. which you have denied doing.. however you also said that you call her and she hangs up on you YET you continue to call her back.. the point here is.. it doesn't matter if you feel you're calling her over something *urgent* she isn't interested nor does she feel any responsibility to respond to you.. so STOP calling her.

 

When someone tells you they don't want you to call them, they don't respond to your emails or text messages and they are telling you they feel you've crossed the line with them.. BELIEVE THEM. Don't continue to force the issue regardless if you think they shouldn't feel that way.

 

Learn to enjoy your own company and love the person you are before you start seeking a mate.

[ice_solid_2k4]

WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER NOT TO FLATTER HERSELF

[Dane1965]

Hi

I am not sure if I have understood this situation fully. I hope i can come up with some good suggestion.

 

When I read this thread I was asking myself a few questions? Does this person have selfconfidense enough? Just think of this. When we are not self confident it normally shows weather we liked it or not. makes us more frutrated and at times we end in some bad circle where people keeps on nagging at us or simply do not show any respect. The need for self respect and respect in general gets higher and higher. And makes us do things we normally wouldnt do.

 

We should perhaps also realize that not all people show compassion. very few do. The worse part, if you have shown some weakness, which is normal by the way, people tend to use it against you.

 

The bootom line is that perhaps you should really think of why you react like this rather then why your ex's are treating you in a bad way. maybe we all are a bad looser when it comes to love. Our ego gets hurt and then we fight the impossible battle to get it back. For the wrong people.

 

there is not doubt that you need to find out what you really wanted with these girls. If they were not from the category" give it up and they willnewer be yours because they newer will understand and relate to your person/emotions"?. maybe its just your ego wanting something. Something pehaps to show of?

 

You really need to forget them. Pull back so you can get your energy back. Search for you true friends. the ones who have been there for you in GOOD and BAD times. Start being social selective.

 

if they need to get a kick of putting you down, then they are not really worth it..Are they? Do people who care for you put you down? i dont think so.

 

Start all over again. And start making freinds with girls...and then perhaps you will fall in love with somebody sweet.

 

maybe i am all wrong here..but all the luck

[SoleMate]

Yeah. Listen to Merin. A guy who pesters a girl with calls, wanting to talk, gifts, etc. etc. etc. even after he has been told to back off gets a really bad rep and it travels fast around the HS or whatever your locale may be. Whatever your "image" may have been before, I can guarantee that what you're doing right now is taking it through the toilet pipes and right down into the sewer. It is a big mistake to turn nasty at a girl just because she has rejected your attentions. NEWS FLASH: Any girl has every right to reject your attentions and advances. (You have the same right, BTW.) Your response should be gracious acceptance, with a slight air of "it's her loss". NOT, "that b*tch".

 

...I noticed there was something seriously screwy...She never seemed to talk properly to me, always telling me, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have to go..." that sort of thing.

That's not "screwy", that's just the polite way of letting someone know that you don't want to talk to them. I guess you didn't get the message.

 

I guess you think that if you overwhelm some victim with your violent approach, she will fall in love???? Don't be surprised if you get a restraining order filed against you. You've already had plenty of fair warning.

 

I have noticed that absolutely NO female has ever been interested in talking to me.

Based on your story, in your own words, I definitely would never talk to you, and I would warn my friends away as well. Guys like you scare me.

 

long hair

braces

thick, big glasses-get contacts

frizzy hair

massive facial hair

crooked / yellow teeth

tight kmart jeans

huge feet

tight / short shirts

massive arm hair

bad breath

big ears

pimples

80's rock clothes

dirty sneakers

Yikes! I wasn't reading carefully and for a minute I read this as the fella's self-description.

[Mary3]

You sound like one of those people who may eventually stalk Movie Stars....You are SCAREY !

 

The word * desperation * comes into mind here.....You dont want to appear obsessive...manipulative....stalker-guy......so while I realize you might want a gf ...you need to figure out from your guy friends or maybe a girl friend ( friend ) what you are doing wrong...ask your mom ....your sister....anyone to do role reversal....

 

Ask your sister to be a pretend date and you go about asking her out...See what tips or flaws she can point out to you..( thats not meant to sound weird , just try a female that you trust and do a hypothetical scenario )

 

Other things girls dont like :

 

Bad Breath ( A death blow to any relationship so go to the dentist and make sure your teeth are clean )

 

Arrogance : Someone who thinks they are hot sh** but reality there is not much up there

 

Lack of self confidence : Would you want to be with someone who was clumsy and awkward ? Now dont get me wrong.....shyness and initial awkwardness is nice but typically you both warm up to eachother...

 

Cheap guys : Yuck ! Self explanatory...

 

Guys with no heart : No empathy or compassion = No Date

 

Just a few for you....

[NatoPMT]

Hi Neuro

 

The reason your crush thinks you are a crazy psycho whos stalking her is because you seem to be acting like one. The reason the other girls act the way they are doing – the cell battery incident for eg, - is because that’s how they perceive you too. Possibly because of your crush giving you a bad press around campus.

 

You have freaked your crush out, but what worries me is that you don’t seem to have any understanding of how your actions are affecting her. You try to contact her, she yells at you, tells you to stop calling, doesn’t talk when you call, but then you ‘keep trying to call even if she hangs up’. That is intimidating. It’s intrusive. It sounds like you ARE stalking her.

 

What I suggest you do is to delete her number, delete her off IM and stop making excuses to ‘urgently’ call her for info about your course, there are tutors to help you with that. There’s absolutely no excuse for you to continue to contact her. If you bump into her, smile and say hi but keep on walking. Don’t stop, don’t look back at her, don’t try and ask her ANYTHING. Nothing needs to be said to her. Her bf is thinking of taking action against you and if you don’t stop, he may well do that. You may be kicked off your course, you may end up with a criminal record.

 

Do you have any counselling support at your college? Go find out.

 

BB

[asianpartyboy]

Don't even smile when you bump into her. That's a bit freaky too. Be cool and indifferent. I found that works and usually drives girls nuts when you do that to them.

 

Laugh when people think that you are different. Don't get upset, it will only make things worse.

[Neuromancer13]

SoleMate and Mary3, I'm sorry I scared you. And thanks for making me feel guilty.

[SoleMate]

If you're seriously saying that you understand the point just about everyone has been trying to make...which is that your actions have been a problem...then I'm glad to hear it.

 

starmap, you asked for help. We gave it to you honestly, although perhaps not with the utmost diplomacy. And now, you seem angry and huffy. Would it have been better for us not to respond?

 

As an aside to "carmine" : the fallacious "nice guys finish last" paradigm has been discussed at length elsewhere. In reality, doormats and people out of touch with social conventions finish last. And starmap does not qualify as a "nice guy" by any possible definition, so what were you thinking?

[Tatiana82]

Well I can understand why he got angry, I dont mean to cause drama or anything, but how would you feel if you were depressed and not understanding something then you just ask for advice from people and they throw it in your face saying "Ahh you scare me" that's not the most polite reply in my opinion. I don't mean any offence to anyone, but this website is about helping people with thier relationship problems. You have a right to have opinions about the people posting, but do we really have to throw peoples self-esteem down in the process? There's other ways to say "Your actions are probably what went wrong, this is what you can do next time" instead of pulling it down to a high school level by stating "You scare me" Just a thought.

[BIG YOU NOW WHAT]

WELL IT LIKE YOUR IN A BIG HOLE. JUST LIKE ME I DONT NO WHAT TO DO I HAVE A GIRL FRIEND THAT IS NICE BUT NOT REALL INTO ME SHE WANT THING BUT I DONT GIVE BE CUZ SHE NEVER GIVE NONE TO ME I DID NOT GET HER A B-DAY PRESENT AR X-MAX ONE BECAUSE SHE NEVER AROUND AND MY X GIRL WHO I'M IN LOVE WITH IS TRYING TO GET BACK WITH ME SO I HERE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

[USCBoxer]

stop using the name neuromancer

and you can't have a crush on a girl with a boyfriend it's against the rules

 

go to a party and find a girl who looks really bored and talk to her, the line "Do you wanna go some place quieter" is pretty good

[sads]

But in the meantime look at yourself realistically and try to assess your strong points and weak points. That way the opinion about you is left entirely in your own hands. Face it, not everyone is going to like us. Probably what is hurting you most is that you are giving a lot of importance to the two girls you had crushes on because you idealized them and in your mind it was these two girls and then all the rest.

 

I know how you feel. Pain in itself is OK because it just indicates something is wrong. But if you had a snake bite would you go and pick up the same snake again? What is hurting you more than the actual loss of your dream girl is that you are still calling her your "crush". You still care about her opinion and would like for it to change. You'd like to win her respect back somehow. Because I am looking at you objectively, I can say that put your self respect in your own hands - examine and develop yourself. You are at a point in your life where you are developing but these kinds of things get in the way of development. You still have to experience college, graduate college, be a professional, travel, find a companion, have children, etc.

 

Is this thing getting in the way of your focus?

 

She probably was freindly and sweet for a while - a person can be like that and just want to be freinds. In fact, its probably when a person is shy that it means you really got to them.

 

Obviously something changed. It could be for any reason....could be related to some other guy and for some reason (maybe she didnt want to seem attached or maybe he was possessive) she didnt want to be publicly associated with you. In any case, there is something wrong on her own end. If I thought someone liked me I would clearly tell them my point of view.

 

One time I Told a man " I am not really ready for a relationship but I thought you were nice and wanted to get to know you and liked you a little but you are going really fast"

 

The problem is that after she hangs up or whatever, even if its cruel, you should not go back. I can understand asking "why?" and that is a normal question. But it seems like you go back over and over again. I can objectively tell you that is your mistake and you know that its your mistake because its causing you pain each time. The remedy is to take your focus off of her as much as possible and focus on yourself and your development. Try to see how it gets better each half hour, each hour, each day. After awhile, you will see that you are in a stronger position and dont really need that.

[EIN]

Everything you want is not everything you need.

[amerikajin]

neuromancer,

 

You've heard it from the ladies, now hear it from a guy: learn to read the signs of interest. Chances are, if she hangs up on you the first time you call her, she's not going to be interested the second time, either.

 

Romance can be cruel sometimes. It's an occasionally difficult process that eventually rewards people who are able to handle rejection and still feel like they are a hunk with or without a particular woman that catches their fancy. Your problem, though, is that you feel like you NEED this girl, which you absolutely don't.

 

You say you have a few guy friends. Well tell me, if any one of them hung up on you before you were ready to get off the phone, would you still consider them your friends??? If no, then you have your answer as to why this chick shouldn't be touched with a ten foot pole. If the answer is yes, though, then frankly, you have a deeper problem: a major lack of self esteem, which needs to be addressed before you can be successful in the dating world. Girls are definitely NOT attracted to guys who will put up with be treated to an entree of s*** and always come back for seconds.

[AMBOMB]

This girl seems a little nuts. Best to avoid her altogether.

[sjs61]

Women like men with respect and a good heart.

 

Whoever said that women dislike long hair is far out of this world. I like men with long hair, tight jeans, 80's clothes and whatever else that list indicated.

 

Be yourself is the rule of thumb. Don't be a pest. Let love come naturally. If they make fun of you its only peer pressure. How do they act if they see you at the store or somewhere else away from other friends.

 

Ever wonder if someone started a rumor about you. Maybe you have body odor and don't know about it. Maybe you have a hair style that makes you look dorky or geeky. Maybe you try to hard to fit in.

 

Well, the only way is to learn from your past experiences. Always remeber you cannot force someone to like you. Beauty is only skin deep. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.