Is there any way of getting her back? Will she change her mind at all?

[beetjuice]

Hi,

 

Sorry, this is going to be very long so prepare yourselves.

 

So me and my girlfriend just broke up last friday. We had been together for a little over a year. It was my first relationship (in my early twenties). During the first half or 3/4 of the relationship she was very much in love with me as was I with her. She said she felt things with me that she did not feel with her previous boyfriend of 4 years or so. She wanted to move very fast in the relationship and also said she wanted the future with her significant other to start right away.

 

It was wonderful, but I was uncertain about the future because I wanted to travel for a while but she did not want to go with me. That was a problem and also at the beginning we both had said we don't want kids then she changed her mind after her feelings for me got very strong. I said I was fine with kids also. Another thing was that I wasn't fully vulnerable with her because I was afraid of getting hurt which was stupid on my part. I don't know why I did that. I think I started taking her for granted and became too comfortable. This made me come off as cold. This was because I had a previous experience where my love was unreciprocated.

 

She noticed after the summer that I was different. But I was very much working on this and I started to get better. But I think she had already started contemplating if we were a good fit. I was stupid and said I might resent her if I don't travel. Then after some reflection I told her that actually I think travel would be fun but I wanted to be with her instead as I really loved her and I'd probably resent traveling if I gave up this relationship for it. She wasn't convinced and still felt we were too different. There was some other things though such as when I was overseas over the summer for a bit with family she didn't like that I did not call her. Of course I contacted her via computer messages and everything and we talked from time to time that way (it had no camera or anything though). She felt that I did not feel a need to call her and so that we are very different. I was stupid thinking that I was being nice by saving the charges of overseas calling for her. It was very stupid. I think that was a big part in her decision. She felt that she was very "dependent" and I was very "independent". So that we were too different. It's quite the contrary I think we are both very similar. I just needed a little more time to open myself fully and express all of this. I told her this, but she still felt we were not compatible because she was so vulnerable with me but I didn't do the same. I tried to be honest with her and asked her to work with me. I told her that I loved her and that I also wanted the same things she did for the future I had just needed the time to reflect because it was my first relationship. But she still kept saying these things so I said then what is your decision then you can tell me (this was so so so so stupid).

 

After that she decided that it was best we break up. I was completely broken. The feelings of loss and despair were and still are unbearable. She said we needed time to heal and didn't respond to any of my messages. I made things worse by starting to sort of beg her for a couple days. I think it annoyed her since I tried to walk with her to her car after class and tried to talk to her and I came off needy(I think her brother blocked me on her phone for her cause it affected her so much and it was difficult for her to break up with me). So on the third day I just said that she was right that I did do those things but I wasn't trying to be cold and that I had things to resolve. I never got angry at her once. I told her that I respected her and her decision. I asked if there was any chance we could be back together in the future she just said maybe. I told her everything and I said I will leave her alone and give her space. And that was the last time I actually talked to her (day before yesterday).

 

I had asked her if we could try again once she was better but she said no because she thinks we'll fight and the same thing will happen again. I disagreed since I was truly working on myself already. She said she had broken up and got back together many times with her previous boyfriend and that was a bad relationship and she didn't want the same thing to happen again. So she stuck to her decision very firmly. I have no doubt in my mind though that we were a good fit. It's true I made mistakes but only because it was my first relationship. She said we can be friends later on but she doesn't know how long it will take. She did say she still loved me but not quite like she used to.

 

She's also in my classes so it makes it very difficult to avoid seeing her as well. I haven't slept in days. She seems to be trying to just focus on classes and studying. But I can also tell that she is still very much in pain. She has gotten better in that she can eat now. She said she was having anxiety, difficulty eating, and she was crying when I was messaging her. But she feels it is for the best. I know she has strong feelings for me still. I feel completely stupid I ruined what could have been the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. It hurts so much inside I can't even concentrate on anything. My appetite is also affected and I am starting to lose weight (it's worse because I have a fast metabolism). I am going to fail my test tomorrow because of this .

 

I think I already got my answer from typing all this, but is there honestly any chance of us getting back together? Is there any chance she could change her mind? We will be in the same class everyday of the week until May of next year. I am trying to accept never being with her again and I want to focus on addressing the things in myself that caused the problems in the relationship. I'm trying to distract myself but I can't. It is just so difficult. I'm trying to hang out with friends and do other things, but I am in a well of despair. Please help. I am in so much pain.

 

Thank you for reading.

Edited October 18, 2013 by beetjuice

[Stealth3]

This might be hard to hear and extremely hard to do but trust me, if you want her to change her mind, you need to initiate NC and stick to it at least for a long while. Anything else will just turn her more away. Honesty I think she will come back as long as some other guy doesn't get involved. But she will only come back once she feels she lost you, and that only happens once you do NC and stick to it.

[beetjuice]

Thanks for the reply! Do you think she'll still come back even though she seemed so firm in her decision? I started doing NC couple days ago. She did say it would take her a while to get over me so i hope she doesnt get involved with another guy.

[all_cats_rgray]

People stop telling other's they think their ex will comeback.

 

It's false hope.

 

No, she's not coming back. Even if she did, it wouldn't work out and she would hurt you again.

 

.. You have to live your life don't sit in the waiting room.

[emi]

There is no guarantee she will come back or not.

Maybe she will. When? Who knows, maybe 1 months, years, etc.

You better dont wait. The decision isnt yours to make. Just move forward. You will get a cleaner head to look at thing.

Just hang in there

[beetjuice]

But why wouldnt it work out if she came back? I am trying to move on as if she will never come back but a little bit of hope does help in getting back up.

[Chi townD]

She's already convinced herself that being with you would be a series of break ups and pain. One thing about girls is that when they make up their mind about something, that's it! RARELY will a girl change her mind on something that she feels strongly on. To do so would be admitting that she was wrong. Girls are NEVER wrong. They may be mistaken, but NEVER wrong.

 

If they are alone and miserable and can't function, they would rather remain that way than to admit that they made a mistake. Not ALL girls do this, but a lot do.

 

So, you need to take the advice that you've been getting here to move on. You need to start NC to help you heal and move on! If you have classes together, just worry about class and after it's over, leave!!!!

 

Remember, this was her choice! She made the decision to have you out of her life. So, give her exactly what she's asking for. You need to block her on Facebook.

[beetjuice]

That is rather very heart breaking . I will try to move on the best I can. I guess there is nothing else I can do.

[Never Again]

The only way to get an ex back is also the only way to get someone new: move on.

 

Accept that the relationship is over and make it a good thing by focusing on yourself.

 

Be open to what the future brings you. It could be her, it could be someone new.

[organizedchaos]

The only way to get an ex back is also the only way to get someone new: move on.

 

Accept that the relationship is over and make it a good thing by focusing on yourself.

 

Be open to what the future brings you. It could be her, it could be someone new.

 

I just posted a story in second chances about a girl I only dated 3 years ago, 2 months before I met my now ex gf, who got back in touch with me last week. We caught up last night and are going to try and date again and see what happens. 3 years later! I've barely spoken to her in those 3 years and last contact I had was about two years ago. So you never know who is going to walk back in to your life or when. But everyone here is right, you need to just move on and pretend like it is never going to happen again.