How do I deal with this affair and lies?

[kruluk]

Ok this is going to be really hard for me to type all of this, really nervous about doing this hoping no one is rude toward me and u guys will plz be patient with me... ;(

 

I will try and keep this in order, its very convoluted.

 

Met my wife when she was 14 and I was 16. When I met her at our High School her mother had just passed away, she over dosed on drugs after coming out of jail or prison, she was always in and out. My wife was bounced around from person to person, her father was only in her life when she was infant before her parents divorced. She spent most of her time being raised by her drug addicted mother, then some by her grandmother and the time period we started dating by her ultra controlling and literally insane aunt.

 

I mention her rough bringing up because in contrast with mine I had both my parents and a good older brother to help/teach me things. While I have qualms with my family, they were overall a great family in that they ultimately loved and always supported me. Ever since elementary school I knew I wanted to get married and have children, the only time I ever wanted to "sow my oates" or whatever, go looking for multiple women was only from the natural inclination to do so, since I never had a world view that made this morally justifiable. I never did.

 

When I met my wife we quickly fell in " love ? " I quickly realized her circumstance and why she was quiet around many people and why she had low self esteem. I loved her so much, I am just going to try and go from point a to b, so if some of this seems childish it may have been since we were in high school then but I think its important.

 

So after my wife and I had been dating for a while in HS, I heard she got caught skipping with a guy. I confronted both her and him about it, they both had detention for it. The guy denied doing anything as did she, the guy seemed a little scared or squeamish when I confronted him. He was considered attractive by many girls I think. Either way I didn't think much of it and don't think they could of did much past flirt or kiss. I let it go and continued loving her and wanting to be with her.

 

The next year of school, we had had a great summer together, lost my virginity and assuming by the way our intercourse went I really think she was a virgin too, this may be TMI but it may be important. I really want help I am going crazy. If she wasn't a virgin it would of had to have been a very long time since she had had sex, since she was 15 by that time I think it is plausible with her demeanor and age she very well was probably a virgin and anatomically it certainly seemed like it.

 

So now, we are making love whenever we have a chance to, always hanging together at school then my best friend lets me know he saw her flirting with this guy. Then I started to catch her hugging this guy, not a normal hug like... a side "church hug" but a full embrace, for too long. So I tell her if u want me stop talking to and hugging this guy cuz its obvious you like him like that. She says she will. Around this time I confronted the guy outside one of the classes they had together and was in his face saying leave my girl the **** alone or let's throw down. He seemed squeamish and didnt want to go at it so I felt good that he backed down and thought ok so I punked the guy in front of all these people by yelling at him calling him a bitch and he doesnt want to do anything and is looking scared... Almost right after this I got the "kissing" sickness? Mono, it was probably the sickest I have ever been in my life. My throat was swollen could hardly swallow any food, lost like 10 pounds wasn't at school for two weeks really bad fever.

 

One night while when there was a football game I was suspicious since me and my wife usually went to the games together I wondered if she might be there, I had a feeling since we usually talked at night and we werent on phone. I started to call her phone, it "accidental ?" picked up and I could hear in the background that is a damn football game.

 

I went to my dad and said U have to plz take me to the football game, reluctantly he took me. Before he even parked the car from far off I saw her. I saw her sitting in the lap of the ****ing guy. I go up to her first thing, tell her it is over and storm off.

 

After I do this she knows shes caught and starts crying and tries to follow me around like a puppy the whole night, from then on she stops talking to the guy, I come back to school albeit sick. Felt like I had to, felt like I had to go to the games... stupid I know. Sent the wrong message to her. But I really dont want to be to blame... I loved her I wanted her to be sorry, she was sorry all on her own, she cut off all contact with the guy. She did her best to make up for it to me, and imho she did at the time. I was willing to forgive her, I didn't think anything sexual happened.

 

My best friend, who is a true homie ^_^. He had a class with the guy that she was caught with, he pretended to not be my friend and talked to the guy saying hey that Brian guy man, I hate that guy he is douchebag. The guy she was caught with "Nelson" which also happens to be my ****ing last name . Nelson had found a friend in the enemy of his enemy. So the guy is like yeah I ****ing love his girlfriend she gave me some blowjobs. So once my friend got all the info he wanted, he flipped the script and said I was really his best friend and that if he ever try to **** with me again he would be blasted, LOL, it was great! And to make it even better a mutual friend was eavesdropping on the thing and couldnt wait to tell me so texted me what was going on, ahaha, and my best friend came up to me after the class and told me everything. But of course my wife denied it. At this point I always wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and thought it was probably just the guy bragging about something that didnt really happen... but the thought that it probably did happen never left the back of my head.

 

Fast forward to next school year. Everything had been pretty good during this year then my wife started being friends with this girl who came from Indiana and was pregnant, she was a dumb bitch. Really stupid, told her listen plz dont be friends with this girl she is Trouble. Plus the bitch hated me. Well as happens many times it seems... my wife went ahead and was friends with her behind my back. Becoming her best friend always going over to her house.

 

Then one day my wife lets me borrow one of her spirals cuz I forgot to bring paper that day. When I am trying to find some blank sheets, I see her last journal for a class and it is talking all about her new best friend and how she went to her baby shower and spent the night etc...

 

Now a lot of things were starting to make sense. She said she would stop talking to the girl and agreed she was a bad influence, the girl "used" to do meth.

 

Things had been good and bad between me and my wife at this point we were always fighting and I became increasingly jealous and controllive deep down I knew my wife wanted other guys. It was obvious she was wanting to be with other guys but I still loved her and tried to curb this, looking back a really bad decision. I should of just realized that shes not right for me. That she didnt want the same thing. I mentally justified this by blaming her bringing up and tbh my wife is really not that smart... not trying to be mean its just the truth. I had to explain to her who abraham lincoln and george washington are. She didn't understand the concept of outer space in high school had to explain it, there are countless examples. No she's not blonde, lol. But she seemed to have a heart of gold underneath a lot of stuff, she seemed to be a good person just really unlucky.

 

So I think shes not talking to the girl anymore, one day she gets to school and out steps her and the girl out the same car. I confront them both, and they both tell me its over. Me and my wife are over completely. I can't explain how or why but right at that moment I knew it was over and my wife had slept with someone else. I had the feeling right then. Please be nice... I freaked out really bad. I ran out in the street and tried to get cars to hit me. I wanted to kill myself because at the time I didn't want to live without her.

 

So here I am in the street being completely stupid, a man pulls over his car and talks me down, telling me whatever is going on its going to be okay. Guy was really nice and helpful, the school security then takes me back inside, I am taken to an "asylum" or mental health place. During all this my best friend, him again. Skips class and comes down there to check on me and see wtf is going on.

 

So now and maybe rightfully so... I am known as the crazy kid at school. Before I am allowed to go back I go up to the school to talk to the principal and guess who I see in the hall? My wife and her "friend" who is teaching her to steal clothes from stores and other horrible ****. The walk by me laughing at me in my face in the hall. Nothing for me to do... So we aren't together but I am honestly still obsessed, I loved her even though she did this stuff to me I felt responsible to her. Her grandmother and aunt werent involved with her they just provided shelter and food. She raised herself, I tried to be there for her and to talk to her about life and educate her about life.

 

So then eventually my wife u guessed it comes back to me and now wants me. Stops talking to the friend cutting off all ties. I am leaving out an important point. The day I ran out in the street I was released back home. First thing my obsessed ass did call my wife. She is over at the friends house, well friend has a brother. Brother answers phone tears me to shreds and says u wanna yell at my sister? I would of beat ur ass and I am about to make out with ur girl once I hang up this phone. So... yeah, mind **** for me. She swears up and down nothing happened between them, people telling me dont believe her. Deep down I don't.

 

Now I walk around school and people look at me weird, the only ppl that dont are the ones same grade as me who grew up with me in there classes, cuz they knew it was only temporary insanity and that I wasn't a bad guy. And they saw the truth of that I just was sending my love to the wrong person and not accepting it.

 

So we are now "hiding" our relationship from the teachers at the school. But still hanging out before and after school and at lunch. But now mentally I am mind ****ed because I cant help but think everytime ppl are looking at me all they are seeing is the thing I did that one day. And ppl now treated me differently.

 

So fast forward through a summer of fighting and arguing, plus suspicions of and eventual admission of another guy she was liking. Anyways she eventually says she cut off all communication with him and really wants me yadaydayaydah. I failed my senior year second semester which I needed in order to graduate. When all the crazy stuff happened.

 

She goes off and on from treating me like a leper or her man constantly. Then the day of Halloween the next year she is liking yet another guy and another knew dirtbag friend who hates my presence.

 

Me and my wife are somehow in 3 or 4 classes together this year, its like administration forgot all about us supposed to be being separated. Plus her family now thinks she is not with me, so we are hiding it. She even has a phone from me hidden that we talk on everyday...

 

Anyways Halloween day a mutual friend tells me he overheard her talking about the girls brother to the new ****ty friend she has. Saying how she had sex with him and that he was better than me.

 

Confront her about it, now I am ready to leave finally. I finally drop all communication with her and try to move on. She does a 180 and changes treats me good, stops treating me bad for the most part, still fighting but not the same stuff.

 

So now we are doing relatively good. We always wanted to be married and have children together, her family still doesnt know we are together, they by the way never liked me. See when my wife was little she was run over by an ice cream truck. She has a structured settlement. When she was 16 she got like 15,000 when she was 18 she got another 15,000 and when she is 25 she gets 57,500. The only physical scars she has is one of her fingers was permanently hurt and a small scar on one side of her stomach. Also since her mother passed away she received social security to be taken care of by a relative. I think they never thought I was good enough for her since I came from a poor working class family and since I talked about being in "love" they wanted her and encouraged her to drop me all the time, trying to get her to date around.

 

Anyways so they at this point dont know we are together. My wife then began coming over to my house and taking me to school in the mornings, taking me home from school, everyday. We began spending even more time together. She started lying even more to her family and made up a fake friendship with some girl and said she was over there when she began to start spending the night at my house. This is all during the end of high school. When then decided we wanted to have a baby so we started trying to get her pregnant. She became pregnant no one knew but us. So summer comes, graduate from HS. She keeps coming over whenever she can. When she is 18 rent a uhaul and load her stuff up when her aunt and uncle are at work and move in. This may seem strange, but her aunt was crazy before anything really happened she physically assaulted my mom. My wife was also terribly afraid of her, physically. She was totally bat**** crazy and abusive physically and verbally.

 

So now we started living together, and were supposed to get married right when she turned 18 and we moved in. But I am having cold feet, putting it off cause deep down I know she is lying about the blowjobs and remember how she lied about having sex with the girls brother. Then I think about the mysterious guy she liked the summer after these two things. But eventually I get married and it all goes in back of my head. Our son is born, everything going good, rough patches here and there but overall its a lot better.

 

Then when he is 2 years old. I thought I would do something for my wife and try and find her father so she could know him some. So I locate him through looking for him on the internet. So I single handily thanks to the internet reunite her with her father. Doesn't take long. ****er first time he meets me decides he doesn't like me. DOESNT EVEN ****ING KNOW ME. I HAD BEEN TAKING CARE OF HIS DAUGHTER ALL THESE YEARS, WHERE THE **** WAS HE? who is he to judge me??? I was boyfriend / dad to her, she never had a father I had to teach her so much **** that was common sense it boggled my mind what she did not know.

 

I may have painted a picture of my wife never making me feel like she love me but thats not true, it was a weird jekyl and hyde life with her. She one day loved me more than anything the next day didn't want me. It was really confusing for me, and I chalked it up to her upbringing and instability.

 

So the dad doesnt like me, hes a complete idiot by the way. Doesnt understand why my wife is sad / crying around him. Oh btw he is married and my wife begins to be besties with her new "mother" who totally ****ing hates me and I patiently try and deal with this **** while going to college full time and working full time, while trying to provide an environment where she can stay home and raise our son. Finally the new bestie texts that she needs to be involved in our relationship and the decisions we make. I go ****ing crazy, try and explain to my wife hey this bitch doesnt need to be involved in ****! Its between u and me , thats it ! She is being indifferent. Her dad is supposed to come our sons 2nd or 3rd cant remember now. Birthday party but instead decides a softball game is more important after promising to come to my wife.

 

When she finds out she is balling, really hurt. I say ok enoughs enough. Call the guy and argue and name call. Ends up being the end of that. He is a douchebag deadbeat, and they both stop coming around and calling. My wife though had been on the side of this new woman, yet again. Taking someone elses side over me, the person who has done there best to provide her with a stable relationship. I tried my best to love her unconditionally because I wanted to give that to her, I wanted her to have someone she could always rely on to love and have her back.

 

Now I feel betrayed once again and it is in the back of my mind. Now I start thinking about the past and this pattern and start questioning her every once and a while about if she is being truthful about the past, it goes from front to back of my mind, when I think of it I ask. I ask over and over over a period of 2 years. My son is 4 now and about 6 months ago she finally admits to the truth after I catch her in a lie when asking her about if she is lying about back then.

 

She did give the guy blowjobs, she swears she only had sex with other guy one time...

 

The mysterious mystery man lived by her grandma. She had sex with him and serviced him like 7 times that she admitted to.

 

Well I was crushed. I could forgive a one time mess up, but repeatedly over a period of months.... cuz to me I could understand how someone could mess up once and then get there senses and stop. But premeditated , over and over.

 

AND THE ABSENSCE of guilt !!! she lied to me to my face over and over, and kept this stuff secret for years. She constantly lied to me looking me in the eyes saying she didnt do anything with the guy. Now after hearing what she did with that guy and the amount of times she admitted to. I finally have lost something I had always felt for her.

 

For the first time, I feel like I can and want to live without her. I have never had sex with another woman, never been serviced by another.

 

Now everytime I look at her all I can think about is what she did.

 

To make matters worse she only started to seem sorry about the whole thing recently since she has finally realized that I am on my way to leaving. I don't cry when I used to, I don't touch her hardly ever, lots of things.

 

Now she is acting somewhat different but its still not what I feel I deserve especially after doing that. Is it even possible this woman loves me or ever did?

 

I kept asking cuz I felt I was living a lie and didnt want to and found out yes I had been living a lie.

 

I dont feel like I could ever trust her, she has lied about so many things over and over the years. She has betrayed me so many times... How can I believe her when she says she hasnt done anything since we have been married? She says shes different now, but I dont believe it. I always worry about where shes going and if I am going to have to just go through all this again.

 

She has also repeatedly sabotaged me. Like for instance when I found out about all of this was the beginning of the summer. I had hired about 10 crew members for an independent film I was producing, and was in the midst of casting it. This had always been a dream of mine and it was finally coming true. Had the funding, had acquired the equipment, everything was going so good it felt like a dream. It seemed like it was all going to be magic and up to that point it was, but the project died when I fell into depression over my marriage. We lost thousands of dollars that had been invested, I had to sell all of the equipment, plus my reputation took a big hit. She didn't care about the project at all and revealed she wanted it to fail. She didn't want me to be successful because of what that might mean for her. I had also begun to work out around this time too, I had gained 25 GOOD pounds, I had always been skinny and now I was finally fit and looked "normal" it took me probably 6 months of constant eating and working out but I did it and was finally confident in my self and people starting treating me different, with respect. I loved it! I was loving life and was doing the best I had in years and now I get to find out she let this guy do all these things to her and did all these graphic things to him...

 

She had also been saying the past two years she didnt like me anymore half the time, she would say how she wished I would find someone else and leave her. The past two - three months have been very different... But I still don't feel like she understands what she did, IDK its all so confusing plus I am surely slanting or not reporting all this 100 percent accurately.

 

I wish I could get over this but I dont think I can. I could forgive 1 or 2 of these things. But repeatedly over and over IDK if there is a difference between cheating once and affair but I think there is for me personally. And she had an affair with this guy and Im sure someone here is going to say WELL U WERENT MARRIED AT THE TIME SO ****ING WHAT ?! she lied about and hid it before we got married

 

If I knew about it then, I would of been feeling exactly how I feel now probably only worse since it would of happened more recently and I wouldnt have TWO KIDS to think about. I am afraid to leave because she is not very smart and I dont want them growing up around idiots or some abusive NEW " father " we have a 7 month old daughter too.

 

I dont want my kids being raised by some other guy. My wife is very easily influenced she is not very independently minded or strong willed. I had a messiah complex, felt like she needed saving.

 

Regardless of what anyone thinks I know myself to be a relatively good person and I knew I loved her, so I thought to myself either you treat or good and trust the world to treat her well. And I know the world is tough cruel place, so I didn't leave it to chance and tried to love her best I could. This also caused me to eventually forgive or excuse a lot of behaviors I shouldn't have. And now that I know about what she did with this guy and plus everything else its just too much. I had already gotten over and moved on what she did with her old friends brother. It took me literally years to get over the thought of them having sex and how it had messed me up sexually.

 

And now its like I am back at square one, only its a lot worse this time. I am depressed, lost all the results I got from gaining all the muscle, havent worked out in months, I am not working much, not doing good in college and I am about to finish. It's like deja vu all over again.

[AnyaNova]

This is really long and I don't have time to read if carefully and intelligently until tomorrow at the earliest.

 

But hang in there. We are here, and we are all at differing stages of something similar. We don't feel exactly what you do because we are all different, but we know pain and we know the pain of rejection and hurt.

 

Keep breathing. Try and do something very day that you enjoy. It will be awhile, but you will begin to enjoy those things again.

 

Treat yourself with the care tha you would treat any recovering addict. Literally, essentially, we become addicted to our lovers. Be gentle wih yourself and go NC to the best of your ability and situation.

 

We are all here with you. Read others posts and backgrounds And stories. It really does get better. Look at my own thread evolution if you need proof. I was really in the downtown crazy town bus when September 7th of so rolled around and I am just starting to come out of it now.

 

Breathe. Deeply. Cry.

 

It is okay to cry, I mean.

 

It will get better.

 

(Please forgive the typos, this always happens when I post from my phone).

[kruluk]

sorry that is so long everyone, i knew that may be a bad thing to do but i wanted to try and provide some details so maybe it could be understood better

 

appreciate the reply

[AnyaNova]

sorry that is so long everyone, i knew that may be a bad thing to do but i wanted to try and provide some details so maybe it could be understood better

 

appreciate the reply

 

Don't worry! We all do that. We all write long and comes descriptions of the relationship and its end.

 

Hang in there! It hurts, but it is worth it to fight and to allow yourself to feel the pain.

[Phinky]

I'm in a similar boat with an older son, but my ex cheated on me about three times in the first year, again in the third, again in the fourth and left me for him that time. I dont know why I kept forgiving her. I love her but it should be obvious to me now she never loved me. My advice don't ever get back with her. Concentrate on your child and be single. Occupy yourself with community service, work, friends, or school when you can't be with your daughter. That's what I have been doing.

 

Also you can make it so that no man involved with your ex can be around your children til marriage. I don't trust my ex's new bf either. Fortunately her parents do most of her parenting for her and they don't want her br near my son.

Edited October 19, 2013 by Phinky