Should I break the silence?

[Marn1]

It's been seven months since my ex and I broke up. I've been no contact going on four months and still think about him all the time. What really gets me is it was not a long relationship at all. We dated 3 months. THREE MONTHS! I never slept with him, have dated many men since, and still can't get him out of my head. I still miss him and feel like the life is being squeezed out of my heart.

 

Any insight would be helpful. I've been lurking on here ever since the breakup and think I just need your perspective on my individual story so I can hear what you all have to say.

 

He first came onto my radar 11 months ago, when he showed up at my house with a friend of mine for a game night. I didn't remember meeting him a few weeks before, but he quickly made it clear he wanted to date me.

 

Things escalated pretty quickly and after about a month he wanted to be exclusive. I was reluctant to do so and said I was afraid of getting close to him and him moving away. I knew he would be finishing up his PhD the upcoming semester and that he was looking for jobs in his sector (At one point he told me he was looking for them in our state), and that this was a really stressful time for him. I was worried about this the entire time we dated and decided at the beginning of our relationship to let him do all of the perusing because I didn't want to have any doubt in my mind that he wanted me. We spent a lot of time together, seeing each other several times a week and near the end, I was spending nearly every night at his place. The week before we broke up, I wasn't able to see him as much because my sister was in town and staying with me at my place. As soon as she left, we got together and I ended up spending the night. He got this crazy look in his eyes for a second the next morning and jumped out of bed saying he needed to shower and probably wouldn't be able to see me that night. I didn't hear from him for 2 days and finally decided to text him and see what was up. He said he was cleaning out his apartment and asked me if I'd like to have a painting I had commented on before (he paints as a hobby) I said of course and we agreed to meetup that evening.

 

We met up and he said he had been thinking about us and our relationship. Saying he had been super stressed lately trying to land a job and preparing for his defense. He said it was looking more and more like he would be getting a job out of state. He had talked with his best friend that weekend saying he really liked me and didn't know what to do. His friend apparently said if you like her just keep dating her until you go. He said he couldn't just do that to me.He said he was becoming too dependent on me. He thought that maybe we should stop seeing each other romantically and asked me what I thought. I said that was his decision. We talked some more and he started to cry saying how stressed he was and that he really cared about me.I, of course was crying too and asked him to come back to my place and spend the night one last time. He did, and I for the first time brought up doing long distance. He said that sounded terrible, being in a different city than me and missing me everyday. I said it wouldn't have to be for forever and I could maybe move out there if our relationship progressed. He shut me down. He said his last relationship was horrible and he didn't want ours to end like it did. We had never talked about her, but I told him I knew about her, that she had dumped him 3 months prior to us dating, saying he only wanted her for sex. He was shocked I knew about her and said he would never use a girl for sex and he thought she was cheating on him. He left in the morning and ended up bring me a few of my things and the painting that night.

 

I texted him a few days later saying he had made the right decision and I respected him for doing it. He said he really respected me as well, that I was very important to him, that he cared about me and wanted me in his life. I didn't contact him again. He called me a few days later, was surprised I answered and just talked about how his dissertation was going. He texted me something stupid a few hours later, and I called him telling him he shouldn't contact me because I really missed him and it was hard hearing from him. He told me he missed me too. I asked him to come over. He did and I asked him if anything had changed. He said no. I said I'd have to think about about seeing him still. That I'd always felt uncertain about him, and never really felt like he really cared about me. That I had been, in a way, miserable our entire relationship(totally true, because I had fallen in love with him and was scared out of my mind). He said I was acting like this was only something that was happening to me. And that I had a "poor me" attitude when he was involved too. He said he had told himself he wasn't going to care about anyone else before he left the state and that I had messed up his plans.

 

We saw each other the next day. I decided to break it off with him telling him I deserved better than this. He said I deserved to be happy. He said he was sorry I had been miserable the whole relationship and started to cry again. He said "don't go" a few times. I told him I didn't know if I had the strength to stay away from him. I didn't. I called him up a week later wanting to get together for coffee. We met up. We met up again a month later after his defense. I told him I wanted to keep seeing him before he left. He told me no. Saying he was afraid of getting hurt again and that he "doesn't do well with breakups". I didn't beg and didn't contact him again for two months when I saw him while out at a restaurant with some friends.

 

He literally ran away from me to avoid bumping into me. I texted him the next day asking when he was leaving. He said he still hadn't gotten a job. The next month, he contacted me saying that he had finally received a job, out of state. We exchanged a few texts, both saying we had missed seeing each other, and he said he'd like to see me before he left for good. We met up a week later for lunch. It was wonderful at the time, the connection hadn't left and he kept telling me how great I looked. Afterwards, he walked me to my car and gave me a hug.

 

I was a mess after the meeting and resolved not to respond to him again if he texted, which he did. One week later he texted, I didn't respond. Two weeks after that, he texted saying "You didn't respond to my last text and you may not respond to this one either. And that's okay, you don't have to. I'm having a going away get together and I just wanted to invite you."

 

That was over two months ago. I didn't respond then and haven't had any contact with him whatsoever. He's been blocked on my fb. I'm miserable. I'm seeing someone who wants a relationship with me and just can't get over this guy. I'll be in his town next week and wonder if I should break the silence and follow up with him? Establish a friendship? Or just continue the silence? I really don't know how I can be so hung up on him still... I fell in love with him. I'm 29 and want to get married and have a family someday.

 

I'm sorry for the long ramble. Any response is greatly appreciated.

[Marn1]

I've dated several men before this, but can say this is the first time I've fallen in love and probably handled it badly. I was way to scared to tell him how I was feeling.