Husband Turning 40...

[Nyla]

My husband and I are 8 years apart; he is the older partner. I have always preferred men who are older than me. He will be turning 40 in February 2014 and for some reason, I am having a hard time with this.

 

Now I know that 40 is not old and when his age began with a "30", I hardly noticed the age difference. I don't know why I am so uneasy about having a 40 year old husband when I knew he had to turn 40 eventually, as I will in about 8 years. Maybe it is because I am still in my early 30's?

 

Would anyone be able to shed any light as to why this is so weird for me? I am suddenly feeling the age difference, even though my husband seems to be aging well. Maybe it won't seem so strange once I am 35 and he is 43? It just feels like the age gap is very large.

[HokeyReligions]

I know exactly how you feel. 30s are still young. 40s are middle age and you are too young to be married to a middle aged man. You still hold you childhood 'vision' of what 40 is. Youve read posts on here from people you still think of as "of the same age" as you but then they talk about their aging grumpy parents who don't understand their generation and then the say their old dad is 40 and your brain cramps.

 

You will adjust - for a while. Then 50 hits and you remember now and its not too bad. Then he turns 60. You feel the same but the 40 year olds on LS complain about their parents and the kids whine about their grand parents - and you develop an erratic heart beat and you wish your hubby was only turning 40 again.

 

My hubby turns 62 this month. It seems like just yesterday he was 40 and I was a 30-something kid.

[Nyla]

I know exactly how you feel. 30s are still young. 40s are middle age and you are too young to be married to a middle aged man. You still hold you childhood 'vision' of what 40 is. Youve read posts on here from people you still think of as "of the same age" as you but then they talk about their aging grumpy parents who don't understand their generation and then the say their old dad is 40 and your brain cramps.

 

You will adjust - for a while. Then 50 hits and you remember now and its not too bad. Then he turns 60. You feel the same but the 40 year olds on LS complain about their parents and the kids whine about their grand parents - and you develop an erratic heart beat and you wish your hubby was only turning 40 again.

 

My hubby turns 62 this month. It seems like just yesterday he was 40 and I was a 30-something kid.

 

My vision of 40 is someone who is established in every way and distinguished looking. 40 year old men don't look young but they don't look old either...just sexy and comfortable in their own skin. My favorite celebrity is two years away from 40 and he looks GORGEOUS. Sure, he has crow's feet and forehead wrinkles, but that is just character in his face and doesn't make him any less sexy.

 

You are right about the middle age aspect; when I say to myself "My husband is 40," I am speechless. It suddenly feels like I am much younger than my husband.

 

I prefer older men because they are more indulgent, doting and romantic than men my age. I have also found that they are much better lovers.

My life has been marred by illness and abuse...younger men are too immature to be accepting of such things in my experience. I always had mature tastes. I never went through the club phase and while all my friends were going to parties with their young boyfriends, I was dancing to jazz by candlelight with a dashing older men.

 

Though I have an excellent relationship with my father, he was too weak to protect me from abuse. I must be looking to be protected by older men. Everything I have read suggests that women who like older men have daddy issues; we look to older men to give us whatever our fathers did not.

[dichotomy]

Peoples age - and their appearance, attitude, and abilities, and health some times are not necessarily tied to age.

 

You could be married to someone who is "your age" but if they have health issue and/or more importantly don't take care of themselves.

 

You do have, perhaps, the issue of men dying earlier than women. My late father was 17 years older then his last wife - but up until he passed he was in perfect health, far better then the wife who suffered with some real health and mobility issues. She was the one that held him back from doing all he wanted, but he loved her anyway and she him.

Edited October 18, 2013 by dichotomy

[Nyla]

I could see that happening with us. My husband is in far better health than I am.

 

This age hang up is confusing for me because I always found our age difference to be a turn on.

[beatcuff]

...This age hang up is confusing for me...

 

you are placing too much emphasis on the number rather than actions. and maybe you are caught up in the 'turning the big four o'.

 

BTW i noticed little difference after turning 40, but over the last couple of years (i am now 45) my physical skills have waned and i am acutely aware my life is closer to the end than the beginning.

[JamesM]

Perhaps it is simply a moment that you realize he is getting old....and soon you with him?

 

BTW, he is not old. I remember approaching 40 and feeling down. My sister gave me a card that said "Enjoy. You will look back on day and wish you were 40 again."

 

That time is here. :sad:

 

40 does sound old and if I were 32, then it would to me as well. I doubt that it will sound any better at 35. And when you are 42, he will be 50.

 

Not sure how to tell you how to get over it, but it IS a number. Some at 40 are better than others. Personally, I am in better shape now as I approach 50, then when I approached 40. No, it doesn't change my age, but hopefully, I can live a little longer if I am in better health.

 

Hey, he shouldn't be worried about needing a younger woman!

[Nyla]

In my thread opener, I said that 40 is not old. It just seems old in relation to my age, but 40 is the middle of life and not the end.

 

I think that when I am 42, the age gap won't seem so large.

 

JamesM, you are hilarious when you point out that my hubby won't need a younger woman. I wear him out as it is!

 

There aren't any issues with his energy levels or sexual stamina.

[stillafool]

Fortunately for men, 40 is the prime age. Men really don't seem to look older at 40 but better, more distinguished and very desirable.

[veggirl]

Honestly it's probably something you'll be kinda "whoa" about until the next milestone, during which you'll be like "okay this time is REALLY whoa, what was I thinking about the last one?! That was nothing!".........until the NEXT milestone where you'll do the same thing. It's all good, it's human nature. I remember turning 25 and freaking out.......and then I turned 30 and was like "wtf did I freak out about 25 for? that was no biggie......THIS is a biggie!" and it's silly, I'll probably do that for every milestone til I die. Let me know if you figure out how to re-work that thinking

 

(my sister was 29 when her hubby turned 35 and she did the same thing you are doing, don't worry about it totally normal)

[Nyla]

Fortunately for men, 40 is the prime age. Men really don't seem to look older at 40 but better, more distinguished and very desirable.

 

I don't completely agree with this. If a man has not taken care of his appearance, he can certainly start to look older at 40.

 

My brother is 43. His face does not look old but he has salt and pepper grey hair. I think he looks wonderfully handsome.

 

Hubby is losing his hair but he manages that by shaving his head, which is a personal turn on of mine. The crow's feet near his eyes don't bother me at all. I like those.

[Fugu]

There is definitely something to hitting the age of 40. I'm a matter of months away from it myself, and while I know I'm not 'old', it's beginning to sink in that I'm no longer 'young', either, which is how I've always considered myself. One thing I've thought about is that I realize I'm at greater risk of being discriminated against because of my age, and that's something that worries me. I'm fortunate in that I look young, and knock, knock, knock on wood, I've not had any major health issues yet. My wife actually has a greater degree of health impairment than I do and she's five years the younger. Even so, I know that it's going to get tougher as I get holder. I worry about competing against younger workers, about not being able to 'get' them.

[Solcita2]

I'm a little confused for some parts and some others I understand.

 

I'm 32 years old and my F is 40 years old.

When he turned 40, HE was the one feeling down, HE was the one feeling the age gap and wondering if I shouldn't be with someone younger.

HE felt his life was not where it was supossed to be at 40...

 

I understand. When my father was 40 he had already 5 children and a well stablished career. In the other hand F and I are still discussing the children issue (I thought we agreed in no children last year but this year he's changing his mind wanting biological children when all our relationship he said he didn't want biological children of his own), not married and his career went downhill last year.

 

In the other hand for me was eye opening... when my father was 40 HE WAS OLD, he didn't have time for us, didn't care about anything but his work.

In the other hand, F is not old, he's fun and very caring... so, for me, HE changed the meaning of being 40... and it didn't scare me at all.

Because I'm the woman and I'm the one with the biological clock it didn't make a difference to me... we always said the only biological clock that mattered was mine... so it didn't rush me into anything.

 

His age makes me realized that we are more matured than we might feel or think we are... however I do get surprise faces when I saw my F is 40 "because you look like 21!"... but I don't give a sh*t about it, when they get to know him they realize he doesn't look of feel 40 at all!

 

Don't give it too much thought and don't let him feel this... it will hit him when he turns 40, it will... my F went through a hell of a middle life crisis that almost broke us up... so be careful with that!

 

Best of lucks

[pink_sugar]

Hi Nyla, I can understand your feelings. My husband is 6 years older and I feel the same way about my husband turning "30" this month. But the biggest reason it bothers me is that I feel like I am passing him up in maturity and career wise. Sometimes it makes me wonder if he will ever get to where he "plans" to go being at 30 already.

[Nyla]

I'm a little confused for some parts and some others I understand.

 

I'm 32 years old and my F is 40 years old.

When he turned 40, HE was the one feeling down, HE was the one feeling the age gap and wondering if I shouldn't be with someone younger.

HE felt his life was not where it was supossed to be at 40...

 

I understand. When my father was 40 he had already 5 children and a well stablished career. In the other hand F and I are still discussing the children issue (I thought we agreed in no children last year but this year he's changing his mind wanting biological children when all our relationship he said he didn't want biological children of his own), not married and his career went downhill last year.

 

In the other hand for me was eye opening... when my father was 40 HE WAS OLD, he didn't have time for us, didn't care about anything but his work.

In the other hand, F is not old, he's fun and very caring... so, for me, HE changed the meaning of being 40... and it didn't scare me at all.

Because I'm the woman and I'm the one with the biological clock it didn't make a difference to me... we always said the only biological clock that mattered was mine... so it didn't rush me into anything.

 

His age makes me realized that we are more matured than we might feel or think we are... however I do get surprise faces when I saw my F is 40 "because you look like 21!"... but I don't give a sh*t about it, when they get to know him they realize he doesn't look of feel 40 at all!

 

Don't give it too much thought and don't let him feel this... it will hit him when he turns 40, it will... my F went through a hell of a middle life crisis that almost broke us up... so be careful with that!

 

Best of lucks

 

Our biological clocks do not matter because we are happily childfree. My husband has had a vasectomy.

 

I have asked my husband repeatedly how he feels about turning 40. He says that it doesn't bother him. I know he is insecure about our age difference so I don't think he is telling the truth. My husband is a caring and doting man but he can be boring sometimes. To his credit, he is doing far better with being more fun.

[Solcita2]

Our biological clocks do not matter because we are happily childfree. My husband has had a vasectomy.

 

I have asked my husband repeatedly how he feels about turning 40. He says that it doesn't bother him. I know he is insecure about our age difference so I don't think he is telling the truth. My husband is a caring and doting man but he can be boring sometimes. To his credit, he is doing far better with being more fun.

 

I think the 40's depends on the man... some of them feel mature, some don't care, some feel old, etc...

 

About being boring, I UNDERSTAND... my F had a very good life, very free and he did anything (and anybody) he wanted... so no regrets in that department...

 

HOWEVER, because I was "so young and inexpert" when we first met, he feels I might regret in a future not having all that experience... which I don't care because if I wanted, I would have done it... never had interested in sleeping around, so why would I want to do it now?

 

Also, because he used to go out almost every freaking day of the week, he likes to stay home now... he doesn't even like going to the movies or eating out... he prefers cooking (he does the cooking) and watching a movie at home...

I don't care about it either because I never was that way, however I would like to go out sometimes... so it does feel like draging him out of the house sometimes... however, it doesn't bother me that much... I don't know... I don't feel the age gap between us, maybe because I'm more-old-like? LOL

 

My soul is old LOL

[Nyla]

Hi Nyla, I can understand your feelings. My husband is 6 years older and I feel the same way about my husband turning "30" this month. But the biggest reason it bothers me is that I feel like I am passing him up in maturity and career wise. Sometimes it makes me wonder if he will ever get to where he "plans" to go being at 30 already.

 

30 is still young. Part of the reason I am attracted to older men is their supposed maturity and wisdom, along with career advancements. However, I dated many in the past who were immature and foolish yet thought they were wise. Because of all this, I completely understand what you mean.

[Nyla]

I think the 40's depends on the man... some of them feel mature, some don't care, some feel old, etc...

 

About being boring, I UNDERSTAND... my F had a very good life, very free and he did anything (and anybody) he wanted... so no regrets in that department...

 

HOWEVER, because I was "so young and inexpert" when we first met, he feels I might regret in a future not having all that experience... which I don't care because if I wanted, I would have done it... never had interested in sleeping around, so why would I want to do it now?

 

Also, because he used to go out almost every freaking day of the week, he likes to stay home now... he doesn't even like going to the movies or eating out... he prefers cooking (he does the cooking) and watching a movie at home...

I don't care about it either because I never was that way, however I would like to go out sometimes... so it does feel like draging him out of the house sometimes... however, it doesn't bother me that much... I don't know... I don't feel the age gap between us, maybe because I'm more-old-like? LOL

 

My soul is old LOL

 

My soul is old too! Even my teachers used to write that on my report cards. I have always been a homebody, though I enjoy visiting my friends and dates with my husband.

[crederer]

This is the main reason why I don't understand people getting with much older men. He is only 8 years, but I know some 25 year olds dating men in their mid to late 40's. They'll justify it with "it's just a number" but when the guy is 70, they'll still be in their early to mid 40's themselves. Seems very short sighted.

 

But as for you, your gap isn't THAT bad, it's probably just a dose of reality that people grow older and you're not going to be in that bubble where the age difference doesn't really have any effect as you were both in your prime(ish) years and the age difference was yet to show.

[Nyla]

I agree. I think that huge age gaps are ridiculous, especially when one partner is very young. Now if I met my husband when I was 20 and he was 28, we would not have lasted as I was very naïve and immature back then.

 

I always knew that people got older but the rest of your opinion was spot on.

[beatcuff]

OP --- the more i read your responses --- are YOU becoming concerned about YOU approaching 40.

 

while all will tell you it's only a number it still marks you are closer to the end than the beginning. and real truth is there are many things you can longer do: party both weekend nights, fall without injury, eat whatever with effect, play sports as well. but if that consumes you will miss out on many things you CAN still do.

[Nyla]

OP --- the more i read your responses --- are YOU becoming concerned about YOU approaching 40.

 

while all will tell you it's only a number it still marks you are closer to the end than the beginning. and real truth is there are many things you can longer do: party both weekend nights, fall without injury, eat whatever with effect, play sports as well. but if that consumes you will miss out on many things you CAN still do.

 

No, because 40 is a long way off for me. I never said that I had an issue with getting older.

 

I agree that age is far more that just a number. People say that to make themselves feel better about aging.

 

I knew a man who said that all the time, but he was 50 trying to date 20 year olds. Interestingly, he lied about his age when we met which proves that he was insecure about his age.

[beatcuff]

... He will be turning 40 in February 2014 and for some reason, I am having a hard time with this...

 

i am asking because this was your OP: YOU are having a hard time. no mention of him.

[Nyla]

i am asking because this was your OP: YOU are having a hard time. no mention of him.

 

No, you asked if I was having a hard time with approaching 40. I am not approaching 40. My husband is.

 

He says that it doesn't bother him but I know he isn't telling the truth.

 

Whenever I make comments about the age difference, he immediately wants to make passionate love to me. It is as if my husband has something to prove. If getting older didn't bother my husband, he wouldn't feel the need to show that he can make love just as well as a younger man.

[crederer]

I wouldn't recommend bringing up your age difference because if he isn't already a bit self conscious about it, he will be if you keep bringing it up.