melissag Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Every time I recall anything, even if it's trivial (but more so if it wasn't), it just kills me. I know the saying, "don't be sad it's over, be happy it happened," but I don't know how to get there. Pretty much every memory of the past 13 years (and even some before then) are effing painful. I mean just ouch. Because they all come with that was when we were happy, or when we were a family, or even just we were married. I feel like being sad is stupid bc I can't constantly mourn everything but I'm just not sure how to take the sting away. Maybe it is just one of the stages??
dumped2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 If you are on here we are all getting stung right now . It sux but we all have to deal with it. Keep posting . This website has kept me thinking that there is a future. I am by myself , and you know what. , I'm find by myself. Just breath and think about good things.
K Os Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I feel like being sad is stupid bc I can't constantly mourn everything but I'm just not sure how to take the sting away. Maybe it is just one of the stages?? It isn't stupid at all. You're grieving, and it really is like grieving a death. It's just as profound and as painful and as important as that. In the early stages it will be practically constant - not great news I know but it's true. The shortest way through the pain is a straight line. It will ease up and you will likely find that it happens in waves rather than seeming endless. What you're feeling is perfectly normal, because you're in touch with the reality of your situation. Keep in touch with yourself and you'll come through it whole. Keep posting - we all feel for you.
Shocked Suzie Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 It's normal and impossible to control in the early days, it does get better...you will in time look back and not feel so much pain...in time possibly no pain. But it's part of the natural grieving process that needs to happen, in time you will be able to control these emotions..move them to one side or recognize that your mind is starting to wander and stop it. Allow these thoughts but try not to dwell on these thoughts, if they linger go for a walk or meet a friend to divert your mindset. SS x
LuvsTrucks2 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 What you are experiencing is normal. It's all part of the grief process. You need time to heal and to grieve the relationship. This all takes time and unfortunately there is no magic button to fast forward through it all. Since you are going through the new stages of this life changing event, I would try your best to stay focused on yourself and your children. You are on a roller coaster ride and some days will be easier than others. Once the dust settles, I would strongly suggest that you implement the 180's. Everyone's situation is different but the 180's are for you and will help with the coping and moving forward. All of us on LS are here for you.
TheBladeRunner Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Time really helps, at least it has helped me. I still have my "moments" though, but they are few and far between.
Author melissag Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 Thanks, guys. I just feel overwhelmed right now. I was able to focus on my exercise class this morning for the most part, and then just lost it big time afterward. I pull into my garage, and walk into the house, and it all just comes crashing down on me. This isn't our house anymore, the one we picked out together for our family. I failed myself, I failed my husband, I failed my children. My marriage is dead and my family is torn apart. The wedding photo of us above our bed means nothing to him. I feel like a turd smashed on the floor and he is happy now that he gets to move out and rid himself of me. All my plans and dreams are gone. I just have a bunch of stuff that I don't even care about, in a house that is painful to even be in, and there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I have friends and family who care, but they all have their own lives. They can't hold my hand all day long. I feel like I am mourning a death, except worse because I had a hand in causing it, and of course the feeling of rejection. But when someone dies, everyone rallies around. When you get divorced, they all just tell you to watch out for him, he's a jerk, protect yourself. You'll be fine. The kids will be fine. I am so alone and there is nobody to scrape me up off the floor. I have to do it myself. I used to think I was strong, but now that it's being tested, I feel like a weak piece of crap. I am not religious and I don't want to become religious. Where did you find your strength to not curl up and die? 1
TrappedWanderer Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 The memories really are the worst of it. I keep going over everything, reading emails, looking at photos, remembering all beautiful, crazy, exasperating, wonderful times we spent together....and just can't seem to wrap my head around how we got to this place, so different from the majority of our relationship, so quickly. I think it's really hard when it's not by mutual consent...when the other person has made a choice that changes your whole life, it's hard to wrap your head around it. You can't really talk with it (I don't want to alienate my friends by going on and on about my pain here), but that life with him is such a big part of my life, an important part, mostly wonderful. While I'm angry-really very angry-I am very much trying not to question everything that we ever experienced together. I don't want to let him control my outlook on that, too. Easier said then done, though 1
TheBladeRunner Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 What you are dealing with in my opinion is worse than death. When someone dies they are gone and that's it. When you divorce, that person is still alive and when you have to see them (if you have kids) it is extremely hard. I was the same way in the beginning of my separation, a complete train wreck; this IMO is normal. If it's any consolation, I was lucky to be self employed. I didn't do a darn thing for like 4 months. Couldn't sleep, work, eat right, and I don't even want to go into the drinking (not too bad....but NOT good either). Look for a support group in your area, that's what I had to do and I am glad I did. 2
LuvsTrucks2 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 For me giving up is not an option. Crawling up into a ball and hibernating isn't an option. I normally am very big on planning, but now I can no longer plan anything, I take it one day at a time, if that becomes to overwhelming, I break it down from hour to hour then minute by minute. I think you are still trying to deal with the shock of it all. You will go through many different stages, shock, anger, resentment, etc. Allow yourself to feel and experience it all. I always thought I had to be strong and not let my feelings show, well, going through this separation has rocked me to my core. I have cried more within the last 7 weeks then I did the entire 10 years and 4 months we were together. I can say that my tears are more about worrying about the finances now, they used to be about him, so I guess I am making some progress. 3
Yasuandio Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Of course, you have to go thru a mourning period - because you are suffering a loss. But even after that, it is still easy to get caught up in obsessive thoughts of the good times and forget how you got where you are at this point in time. I do not know if you have any unpleasant memories you might try to focus on instead. This is a method I have used that I call "thought replacement.". Not unlike snapping your arm with a tight rubber band whenever the painful "good times" enter your head. Of course, I have many, many humiliating, hurtful, and embarrassing moments I can list from a very long abusive marrage. And, that is just what I did. I made a list of all these "bad" moments in my iPhone notepad. Periodically, I review it - and more, and more, as time goes by, I see what a naive idiot I was. So, if you can think of an incident were he completely embarrassed you, write it down. Each time you recall an incident, even if it occurred before you were married ( I had one or two those), list it. These should be things that made YOU feel terrible. Then when a "touchy-feely" moment gets you down, get out the TRUTH LIST, and if necessary, put a hand in some ice water while you read it. This just an idea that worked for me. I never feel "touchy-feely" anymore. But my pride still stings a little. But I know one day he is going to crawl back. And with that Truth List engraved in my mind, he isn't attractive as a man to me anymore. It's just about pride now. I hope this idea helps you. Yas 1
MsOptimist Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Just simply time and making new memories/experiences has helped me to become indifferent about the memories. For the first few months it was hard for me to look at the furniture that I kept - it all felt like little pieces of my former life. Even clothes were a reminder - I wore that dress at his sister's wedding, he got me that shirt, etc. I can look at those same items now and not get all emotional over them. I still remember the attachments, but there's an indifference there. I even have a picture of myself and my dog up on my fridge now that was taken on my honeymoon. Last year I wouldn't have been able to have that up, but now I simply like the pic of myself and my dog, so why not have it up. You'll start to make new memories and attachments eventually, and while you'll still remember the old ones, they won't sting as much when you think about them. 2
secondfailure Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 There are a few things that have helped me.Freinds, family, work. One thing that has really helped was the Divorce Care group. When you are there. You don't really talk about your ex. You talk about discoovery, hope and healing. Melissa, just know that you cant get over 13 years in 6 months. it is a process. And it takes time. when the feelings hit, let them. It is a part of the healing. I still look at the empt space on the wall where we had family pictures. A month ago I would cry my eyeballs out. Now I look and say what can I put there to clear fil that space. Just take everyday one minute on hour one day at a time. But like eveyone has said, you alos have to say if he wants out I want him to be happy. When he is not around cry your eyballs out. When he comes around fake it until you make it. Smail and only alk about the kids. Tell your frirnds to call you at a certain time or send a text then say I have ti take this phone call. I will call you later. Childish? Sure but this is war and your feelings, sanity and ability to function for your kids are necessary... Hang in there and you will look back on this one day and say wow, that was rough but I made it.. 2
Shocked Suzie Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Of course, you have to go thru a mourning period - because you are suffering a loss. But even after that, it is still easy to get caught up in obsessive thoughts of the good times and forget how you got where you are at this point in time. I do not know if you have any unpleasant memories you might try to focus on instead. This is a method I have used that I call "thought replacement.". Not unlike snapping your arm with a tight rubber band whenever the painful "good times" enter your head. Of course, I have many, many humiliating, hurtful, and embarrassing moments I can list from a very long abusive marrage. And, that is just what I did. I made a list of all these "bad" moments in my iPhone notepad. Periodically, I review it - and more, and more, as time goes by, I see what a naive idiot I was. So, if you can think of an incident were he completely embarrassed you, write it down. Each time you recall an incident, even if it occurred before you were married ( I had one or two those), list it. These should be things that made YOU feel terrible. Then when a "touchy-feely" moment gets you down, get out the TRUTH LIST, and if necessary, put a hand in some ice water while you read it. This just an idea that worked for me. I never feel "touchy-feely" anymore. But my pride still stings a little. But I know one day he is going to crawl back. And with that Truth List engraved in my mind, he isn't attractive as a man to me anymore. It's just about pride now. I hope this idea helps you. Yas This is how I eventually managed to control my thoughts... Each time I started to think how things used to be... Happy times, I would make myself think of the most painful time... The new him. OP it's so hard in the early stage, I remember so well how you have just described...but 10 months down the line I don't feel those deep, dark, intense moments. Keep yourself healthy busy, allow yourself to grieve ... Just try not to wallow for too long...after a good cry pull yourself up and do a simple positive thing, even if it's showering n makeup or a walk...it just teaches you how to pull yourself out of that pit rather than laying in it for too long. You are right everyone has their own lives to deal with but it is important to talk about what you are going through and allow people to support you when needed...but ultimately (for now) it's only you n I that can help ourselves.....take each day as it comes...even each hour if needed. You will feel many emotions, try to have as minimal contact with your ex as possible once he has gone, contact will only hinder your healing You WILL get there and you WILL start to see the light at the end of the tunnel...may only be small glimmers but they will be there soon enough. Xx 1
Author melissag Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 For me giving up is not an option. Crawling up into a ball and hibernating isn't an option. I normally am very big on planning, but now I can no longer plan anything, I take it one day at a time, if that becomes to overwhelming, I break it down from hour to hour then minute by minute. I think you are still trying to deal with the shock of it all. You will go through many different stages, shock, anger, resentment, etc. Allow yourself to feel and experience it all. I always thought I had to be strong and not let my feelings show, well, going through this separation has rocked me to my core. I have cried more within the last 7 weeks then I did the entire 10 years and 4 months we were together. I can say that my tears are more about worrying about the finances now, they used to be about him, so I guess I am making some progress. Thank you, LT. Yes, this is exactly how I feel. I am a huge planner, and now I can barely stand to look at my calendar. Thinking more than a day ahead is too overwhelming. It is a terrible feeling. I am definitely still in the shock/grief/anger stage. Or is that three stages? Each day is such a roller coaster, but most of it is down . . . just a matter of degree how far down. I too have cried more in the past 3 weeks than in 13 years . . . I have also done more thinking in the past 3 weeks. It is exhausting. I don't have a job because I stay at home with the kids. I am not sure if it is better that way or not. Maybe for the very beginning stages it is better, as I would surely have been fired by now, but I think at some point it will help me to have more of a purpose and be around other people. I'm glad you are making progress, even though you are still crying, at least you are getting somewhere!!
Author melissag Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 I do not know if you have any unpleasant memories you might try to focus on instead. This is a method I have used that I call "thought replacement.". Not unlike snapping your arm with a tight rubber band whenever the painful "good times" enter your head. So, if you can think of an incident were he completely embarrassed you, write it down. Each time you recall an incident, even if it occurred before you were married ( I had one or two those), list it. These should be things that made YOU feel terrible. Then when a "touchy-feely" moment gets you down, get out the TRUTH LIST, and if necessary, put a hand in some ice water while you read it. I hope this idea helps you. Yas I'm not sure I am there yet, or if I will ever be there. Yes, there were things that made me unhappy in our marriage, but nothing really awful. And right now, it still hurts me to dishonor the years we spent together. I am trying to remember that he was not perfect, but I don't think I can write a list of bad memories. The only thing I am really hurt and angry about is the fact that he insists that we should get divorced instead of working on our marriage. Maybe your method will work once we tell the kids - then every time I am mourning the loss I can remember the looks on their faces and that ought to do the trick.
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