How to you stay NC?

[monkeymaid]

I had myself convinced that by attempting to answer other peoples problems, I would be able to handle my own. Today, I realized that I just can't. How the hell do you all deal with anot calling, the false hope, the wondering, and eveything else that goes along with this?

 

I work in Technology so I know my way around networks, firewalls, passwords etc, and I cannot seem to stop myself form logging into her email/history.

 

How do you guys control yourself? HELP!!

[Mr Scorpio]

Easy. I understand that initiating contact with my ex would cause me pain. Seeing pictures of my ex would cause me pain. Reading blog posts from my ex would cause me pain. Hearing my ex's voice would cause me pain. Knowing how great the relationship is going with the man she left me for would cause me pain.

 

I don't like pain, so I don't do any of those things.

[AnyaNova]

Easy. It is illegal. And I'm pretty sure that she could at least get a restraining order or something if she knew that you were doing it. Stop.

 

It is very bad for you and its not fair to her. I know your brain is not at the point yet, where it has realized that driving you to do painful things like check her email aren't going to bring the desired reward of her coming back. Eventually, with time, the brain will rewire itself, and you will not want to think about what will cause you pain, because you will know that there is no eventual reward to be had for engaging in the painful behavior.

 

And consider what you are likely to find. If she goes the OLD route, do you really want to find pics that prospective guys have sent? Emails that she has sent? Do you really want to find out that several different guys are texting her and that she is narrowing down the pool to the one she wants to have a relationship with?

 

Join the church of the new plate, my friend. It is a cold church (in that you have to give up hope completely of the ex and decide that even if they came back, you would say no) but it is also a very hopeful church. One in which the hope of a new relationship with someone who will literally never leave you is possible. Do you want to spend your life with your ex, wondering when the other shoe is about to drop, knowing that they have bailed on you once already (unless you are the dumper, but then knowing that they will always have that trust issue with you) or do you want to find the one person that truly loves you enough to

 

a)Even if the plate is close to breaking or in pieces on the floor, once it has gone "boom," they will be with you there so that you can pick up the pieces together.

 

b)Realize what they have while they are with you and not want to leave you.

 

c)Even if they have some time while they are not sure about you and the relationship, that they care enough about you to take the time to truly figure out their feelings, instead of bailing at the first time they don't feel complete and utter twitterpation.

 

Hang in there. The road is hard but worth it. I mean, let us just say that there is an option that is very, very good and so much better for me than my ex could ever be, that I would never even know about, if I were still with my ex today. :-)

[monkeymaid]

It was actually mutual because I had fallen into such a deep hole. I didnt want to keep her dragged down, so I initiated the conversations leading to the breakup.

 

I have since sought therapy and the world looks a little brighter even without her than it did a month ago.

 

Ive reached out to her about once a week. Last saturday I did it because both of my therapists mentioned that what I said to them was something I might want to consider telling her, so I did. She seemed confused and guarded (rightfully so), but wouldnt/shouldnt she be on board with me doing so much to fix all of this?

 

Here is the 2nd chances thread. ....its a bit long

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/429518-can-i-fix-faster

 

 

I realize about the legality thing, though I have covered my tracks and for some reason, its like a drug and I stop for days, but then its like I cant control myself. I havent told my therapist yet, but I will tomorrow.

[todreaminblue]

I had myself convinced that by attempting to answer other peoples problems, I would be able to handle my own. Today, I realized that I just can't. How the hell do you all deal with anot calling, the false hope, the wondering, and eveything else that goes along with this?

 

I work in Technology so I know my way around networks, firewalls, passwords etc, and I cannot seem to stop myself form logging into her email/history.

 

How do you guys control yourself? HELP!!

 

 

 

ack......if she finds out you have logged into her accounts you will be sorry that you have, she will threatened by you is that what you want?......false hope.....is a killer...........you need to let her go ......meet others hang out with others..be with your friends and family.heal and meet someone who wants to be with you..............and dont log into her accounts again recipe for disaster.....deb

[monkeymaid]

I dont know how to meet others. I am so good at faking friendship, but dont know how to connect and really care. I am afraid that when anyone realizes who I really am, they will walk away or worse stick around and laugh at me.

 

She knew me. She saw me. She loved me and told me everyday. I started believing it till I didnt. Shes not my parent, she was my girlfriend. I wanted her to be my wife, but I pushed her away because I cant get a handle on my feelings. I let her go so she could be happy.

 

Therapy is helping a little, but this is the worst pain. Knowing Ive pushed away the one person I want to be a constant in my life till the day she dies. I want to be her best friend and confidant. I want her to have my kids. I wanted her to die before me so she doesnt have to know the pain of burying the man she loves. I would move mountians for her. Hell, I am moving mountains for her.

 

Building a whole life because I believe that I can be loved thanks to her. I had no reason before her to be better or do better. I really am in awe of how she touched me.

 

I did the same for her. She stopped cutting, came out of her depression, found joy in her life, got off her meds and saught the help she needed because I was there for her every step of the way. When she gave up I didnt. I always gave her encouragement. I was always smiling and I always let her know that I loved her and would be right there, but now I pushed her away and Im fighting to fix myself and get her back. This is so hard. I havent stopped crying for 2 days. ..not true, I went to the gym and smiled because Im looking better and still strong as an ox. That was a well timed release of endorphins. But the endorphins wore off and Im back to crying. Going to bed with tears in my eyes, again.

[monkeymaid]

thank you fro your opinion, is there anything else you want to say to make me feel ****tier?

 

Im well aware that it is wrong. Im dealing with what ive got right now.

 

Sorry for making YOU feel ill.

 

if you cant post something productive or insigtful, then please dont post in the thread. Im trying my best right now K thanks.

[monkeymaid]

I exercise 7 days a week. I surf, go to the gym, run, and climb (though we did this one together, so its very hard to do still), and walk. I work, build websites, read, study, lab IT security stuff, go to therapy twice a week (maybe 3 times a week soon!) and take pictures. I am fixing up an older motorcycle, Have re built an old volvo wagon, am saving for a 35-40' saiboat to live on and sail to Catalina and up and down the west coast. I have not stopped any of what I do. I have dreams, aspirations and hopes, but all I really want right now is her to come back to me. I pushed her away (even though it was mutual and she agreed, I catalyzed the breakup, so I take most of the responsibility) because I couldnt stand to see her sad over me for another day. I love her unconditionally, and really hope that she is happy (happier) than when we were together. I was depressed, and was bringing her down. I saw it and so did she, but she wouldnt let go. I had to do it. Now I feel like it is going to be one of the biggest regrets I ever have.

 

I am working on making friends, but still dont have anyone to really go out with. I am not a night life type of person, but would love friends to surf or hike with, and just talk to. male or female.

[JoelBarish]

Meetup.com

 

You always recommend that site. I checked it out. There is only one group within 50 miles of me and it's about Wiccans. Lol I am sure it's better in other locations.

[JoelBarish]

I had myself convinced that by attempting to answer other peoples problems, I would be able to handle my own. Today, I realized that I just can't. How the hell do you all deal with anot calling, the false hope, the wondering, and eveything else that goes along with this?

 

I work in Technology so I know my way around networks, firewalls, passwords etc, and I cannot seem to stop myself form logging into her email/history.

 

How do you guys control yourself? HELP!!

 

Honestly I'm at a place where I wouldn't contact my ex if she were the last person on Earth. Why do I feel that way? Well as Mr Scorpio said, I don't want pain. Another motivating factor for me is pride. I respect myself too much to contact her again. I've went down that road before and I am going to keep whatever dignity I have left.

 

How about you Monkeymaid? Do you want to sink any lower over the one who dumped you? Do you want more pain?

[monkeymaid]

i initiated the breakup.

[JoelBarish]

Wow that's a stunner. I read your first post on this thread then replied. I guess I've been in your position a time or two. The first time I broke it off with someone I regretted it a few weeks later. I called her back and I found out she was dating someone else already. I was crushed. And the second time I broke it off with someone, I contacted her a few months later. She didn't want anything to do with me because she had been so hurt.

 

I guess you have to decide what you really want. Apparently you still have feelings for her. Do you want to let her go for good? If so, you are going to have to be strong for the both of you. You've read on here how much pain the dumpees are in.

[Reels]

NC is probably worst way to solve issues, and even more, it can never keep you happy.

[bedelgeuse]

NC is probably worst way to solve issues, and even more, it can never keep you happy.

 

Why do you think that? Truly want to know your thoughts-

[Simon Phoenix]

NC is probably worst way to solve issues, and even more, it can never keep you happy.

 

There's a whole lot of wrong with this post.

[Reels]

Why do you think that? Truly want to know your thoughts-

 

I wonder how many actually forget their first love.

 

Remember, relationship is made by 2 people, so if NC works for one, but not for other.. How it will be assumed as?

[monkeymaid]

I havent forgot any love. I remember all of them and what Ive learned from them. I remember what I dont want, when I learned what I do want, and that I was a prick sometimes.

 

Ive learned that I have the capacity to love and more importantly for me, Ive learned that I can be loved without it hurting.

 

I got into a car accident today because I was thinking about how much I miss my ex. I was thinking about her and BANG! hit the car in front of me.

 

I was on my way to my therapist, and I feel ok now. I have some things to mull over now, and I might be further along in my ability to love than I thought. He snapped me out of idealizing her and made me see and recognize the flaws she presented in our relationship. Then he opened up my past with my mom and dad ....Oy Vay!! There is work to do!!

 

I hope everyone has a better night than they did last night. Onward and Upward!!

[love1336x]

Easy. It is illegal. And I'm pretty sure that she could at least get a restraining order or something if she knew that you were doing it. Stop.

 

LOL! that's the first thing that came into my mind!!!

[monkeymaid]

I keep hoping that she texts me and says that there is no hope or that shes ****ing someone or soemthing. I just want closure at thie point. We left it as a, well see, and we both hope so, but i feel like im the only one really hoping

 

I cant believe I let her go. I could have just tried harder or done somethign different, but its too late.

 

this is the worst pain ive ever felt.

 

Hit me with a 2x4 and then play the guitar with my open nerves, but take this pain away please

[Familia]

monkeymaid - mate I know the feeling just yearning to hear your phone beep or ring in the hope its her, I am feeling every bit of your pain, as I am dealing with the same emotions. Its certainly not a great feeling. Chin up mate

[AnyaNova]

Breathe.

 

Know that if you contact her it will be as if you still have the pain you have right now, plusthe pain of someone playing guitar with the open strings of your nerves.

 

We are all here with you.

 

I know this is little solace for you, right now,

 

But consider. This, as you have mentioned, this that you are going through right now. This is your worst fear. This is the thing that you dreaded and were convinced down to your shoes and the little kid inside your soul (I'm told we all have one) would be so devastating you would not survive it.

 

You are surviving it. Right now.

 

Can I recommend, beginning a practice of the "lovingkindness meditation." I can't say if it will help you or not, but I know it has helped me.

 

But anyway, breathe. Observe your breath. Stay with the pain. Don't fight it, don't try to run from it or force it to get better. Just breathe with it, breathe into it, and you will find that its power lessens as you do so. The trick is not to fight it or force it. That is when we get into trouble.

 

But right now. Know this. And know this down to your shoes (wait a minute, didn't you use that phrase with me, or am I nuts?) and to the very core of you. You have survived that thing which you feared. You have lived through the unlivable (or so you thought). I know it will take time and therapy and work to really trust this, but you don't need to fear this happening again. Not ever to the extent that you did.

 

You have shown that little kid that you can manage this. You can handle the emotions stemming from this. And therefore, you have the strength to find someone who is truly right for you, and you will have the strength to stay with them, even when you fear they might leave you, because you know you can handle it if they do.

 

I know it may not seem like it now, but can you see a little glimmer of where you want to be in all this? That this is giving you exactly the tools that you need to become the healthiest you you can be?