psshht Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 First post after lurking for some time, reading these forums has really made me think and opened my eyes and thought I'd post my experience in case it helps anyone else in the future. I've been seeing MM for close to a year now and have lately been getting some weird 'vibes', something had changed. I kept trying to talk to him, because who better to ask, but I kept getting everything's ok, you're just being paranoid, love you so much, blah, blah, blah. I couldn't shake the feeling something was up, so I did something I'm not proud of. I hacked his email. I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't have done it but it's done now and I can't unread what I've seen. I have since discovered that MM is a complete slut, has been cheating on his BS almost continuously for the last 5+ years, is going out to the bar to pick up women to this day, is verbally/emotionally abusive to his BS and a compulsive gambler. He's been throwing me in his BS's face for months to manipulate her into doing what he wants and that's what makes me feel the worst. I had no idea she knew and that he's been making her life a living hell. I guess my takeaways from this experience is to be careful what you wish for, if you've got suspicions they are probably valid and obviously, never ever get involved with a MM again. I feel the worst about how he is treating his BS, I know that sounds stupid considering I've been a party to it, but I had no idea what was going on. You can't know what's going on unless you're there. A part of me wants to reach out to her to apologize for my behaviour, another part of me thinks that's just self-serving on my part, a way to feel better about what I've participated in. If I look on the bright side, I'm hoping that this new knowledge will make ending the A much easier on me. I'm not sure if I'll disclose what I know, or if I'll just quietly fade into the night. I'm not sure there's any point, he won't change and he's not my problem. I guess my main questions are do you think I should tell him what I know or just end things and move on without the drama? I know it might make me feel better but will I just feel worse later for exposing my horrible behaviour (reading emails) and make him more wary and better at hiding his future affairs (of which there will be many) from his BS? And, should I reach out to BS? I'm sure she doesn't want to talk to me, she could have contacted me if she like, she knows who I am and where I live apparently. I'm just wondering if I would be doing this to make myself feel better, and if it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. She thinks they are reconciling, should I leave them to their (false) reconciliation? Should I email her the passwords to the accounts? She knows he's cheated in the past so I don't think she'd dismiss it out of hand, especially if I was the one who sent them to her. Thank god he was only future faking, he's a very damaged person and belongs in therapy, I hope he gets it someday for the sake of his wife and kids. I belong in therapy too, this wasn't a complete waste of time. I realize now that I was 'seeing' my father (sounds so much better than sleeping with him lol) and have some issues that need to be addressed. I feel like myself again for the first time in months and I want to make sure I never fall for this again. 5
Author psshht Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 I know, but I continued to see him when I knew he was married, so I guess that makes me feel somewhat responsible, an enabler if you will. If it wasn't me, it would be someone else, but I'm not sure that makes me feel any better about my part in the situation. If I'm truly honest, maybe part of my desire to reach out to her is because it would hurt him and make his life pretty miserable for a while. But then it would hurt his kids and his wife too, so maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. It is so nice to be able to talk about this with someone. Affairs make you crazy! Me, at least. 2
yellowmaverick Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 A cheating MM who is also cheating on the mistress and is the one who is the douche in the marriage?? Say it ain't so!! 4
rumbleseat Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 It oundlike you made me mistakes, but at lea you have the capacity to feel empathy and remorse about them. It seems you feel bad about the damage that you have helped to cause ( yes, maybe if it wasn't you it would have been someone else, but it was you. You acknowledge that, which is good). About telling his wife. Look at it as a way to atone for the damage that's been done. If you wherein her shoes, would you want to know? While you can't do anything about how she chooses to use the information, at least she will have it, and maybe some good will come out of the whole thing. She'll be able to make informed choices. Look into your heart and conscience, and you'll know what to do. 2
rumbleseat Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 And even that argument is kinda like weak to me, because if it wasn't me, well...no one on the side has stuck with him as long as I have, he says, for whatever reasons I don't care to know (they wanted more or whatever, who cares; I'm here, now, so whatever). So, take from that what you will. I love that man. That's all that matters. This thread is not about you and you relationship. How does this apply to the OP's situation? 6
rumbleseat Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 As I said, OP, look into your own heart and you'll know what you should do.
goodyblue Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Honestly, my opinion is that if she knows about you, there's no sense in making her life worse. I would just end things and move on. If he asks why, don't tell him you hacked him. Just tell him you are through being the 'other'. I'm sorry this happened to you. It sucks when we are hurt by someone we think cares about us.
goodyblue Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Based on what the OP has shared, she shouldn't give a thought to how "benevolent" he is, or his faux forgiveness. He is a serial cheating scumbag. Meh, you get involved with a cheater, you really shouldn't be so naive to believe you're the main event. Meh, I was the main event. Still am. Don't lump every relationship together. That's like telling a BS that if her husband cheated, he'll always cheat and ... meh, don't reconcile. 2
Author psshht Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 So many things to reply to, I'll do my best to answer. First, loser and I are still together because I only read the emails today and have decided to give some thought to my actions and try to avoid acting even more irrationally than I have for the last year. I'm done, he just doesn't know it yet. This is also why I'm still trying to figure out what my true motive for emailing her would be, I honestly don't think anything would change for them, and I don't want to continue to act in a self-serving manner and would like to maintain a shred of my dignity if humanly possible. I am annoyed by the cheating but I always figured it was a possibility, it's the constant lying that truly pisses me off and his treatment of his wife that makes me ill. I'm going to have to give this a lot of thought, it will be a sleepless night. 1
janedoe67 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 pssht, it sounds like you actually have a heart and a conscience. I may not agree with all of your choices, but it is heartening and refreshing to see that you give a durn about someone besides yourself and your heart is not a dried up old rock. Don't allow yourself to become a cynical "I'll take care of me and to hell with everyone else" type individual. The reason you hurt for the BS is because you are capable of empathy and compassion. That is a good thing. 12
Quiet Storm Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I would email her his accounts & passwords, and say that you apologize for your part in this. Tell her that you believed him & his lies, but that it was a mistake and you will no longer be involved with him. She isn't going to care how you feel, but if you genuinely are sorry, there is no harm in saying it. As for him, he has issues & his wife is probably already aware of them. They are married, he is her problem. Don't talk to him anymore. What he is doing with his you & his wife is called triangulation. He is telling her things about you to get her to behave the way he wants, and he told you things about her to get you to feel a certain way. He sets up conversations and circumstances, treating both of you like puppets. He wants to punish his wife for some reason- and the OW are his weapon. This dynamic is more common than people think. I don't really care what your motivations are - whether are doing it for revenge or out of consideration- I think his email account is something his wife should see. But after the email is sent, step away. Don't talk to him at all. You don't need to be a part of his drama. He is a messed up person and you are fortunate to be done with him. 8
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Do practice self scrutiny in this regard. You don't want to regret trying to (een subconsciously) hurt someone you truly care for. He may not be so benevolent as to forgive you. I don't think anything can have a positive result whilst operating within the realm of an isolated vacuum. Speak & be heard! (Within appropriate context.) That man has exposed STD's to her, to his wife and other OW he's banging and having affairs with. Why should she feel bad about hurting him when he's been lying to her, and pretending she's been the only OW? This guy is scum and she owes him absolutely nothing! NO respect, nothing. She should just end it and say goodbye and forget him. Why would she be looking for his forgiveness? 3
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 So many things to reply to, I'll do my best to answer. First, loser and I are still together because I only read the emails today and have decided to give some thought to my actions and try to avoid acting even more irrationally than I have for the last year. I'm done, he just doesn't know it yet. This is also why I'm still trying to figure out what my true motive for emailing her would be, I honestly don't think anything would change for them, and I don't want to continue to act in a self-serving manner and would like to maintain a shred of my dignity if humanly possible. I am annoyed by the cheating but I always figured it was a possibility, it's the constant lying that truly pisses me off and his treatment of his wife that makes me ill. I'm going to have to give this a lot of thought, it will be a sleepless night. Bolded part, LOL! Love it. Good name for him as that is what he is! Always listen to your gut. This man is disgusting and if you do decide to talk to his wife, speak from your heart. You have compassion and a conscious, you feel bad for your part in the A. I hope you heal well from this and don't let him ruin your self esteem or any future relationship. Most men are NOT like him! He's gross. 1
Author psshht Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 Thank you all for your posts and advice. There's absolutely no chance at all I will continue to see this man and will try to consider myself fortunate to have made this discovery, it was not easy to read but it should make it much easier to end things and never look back. I'm going to have to sleep on all of this, I'm not in a proper frame of mind to be making decisions yet. It's still a little too fresh.
HtotheN Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 If you actually decide to give the wife the password info, give it to her over the phone rather than email; no paper trail/proof that you did that, you know? Personally, I would not bother telling him about it and agree with what Pierre said regarding snooping. I would give her the info and she could then decide whether or not to see for herself.
Spark1111 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Thank you all for your posts and advice. There's absolutely no chance at all I will continue to see this man and will try to consider myself fortunate to have made this discovery, it was not easy to read but it should make it much easier to end things and never look back. I'm going to have to sleep on all of this, I'm not in a proper frame of mind to be making decisions yet. It's still a little too fresh. Oh darling, just tell her. Be the better person here forcryin'outloud. Send the proof, tell her the TRUTH and end it ONCE AND FOR ALL with him! Maybe TRHEE people will be better people for it; ONE person( YOU) standing up for what's right, decent and fair. Just do it. He ain't no prize and she is in the dark. Be the better person here. YOU won't regret it. Not long term. Unh, uh, no way. 3
busdriver Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I agree with Pierre and WTHF. It's not just that he could become violent, though it's a possibility. It's also that the snooping will give him a reason to claim a moral "high ground"...He'll tell himself that YOU'RE the crazy one, YOU'RE the bitter one, you're the one out to hurt HIM. And he will probably actually believe it, too. That said, if you want to tell the BS, maybe you should do so anonymously. TO protect yourself, for one thing. And if he's got several OW's, he'll probably never be sure which one did it. 3
BetrayedH Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Do the right thing. Give the wife an opportunity to make a truly informed decision about how to move forward with her life. Provide everything you have. Don't give loser a heads-up. Then walk away. 2
Ladydrib Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I would not tell him what you know about him. If he knows that will just give him knowledge as to how he should adjust his lies to keep you engaged. Take what you've learned and use it to give you the strength to get away.
TheOW Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I'm not sure about this, he's emotionally blackmailing his wife about you I've only mostly seen this in physical abusers (not all but most) if you send her the we-mails he may turn on his wife and say she was conspiring against him, you know how violent husbands are. What sticks out tho is that she knows about your affair and isn't leaving him, persuading him to stop! That is major alarm bells right there. If you do go off the radar he may start stalking you, manipulating you and even threatening you. This may not be the fact at all but I would try find out abit more about this guy and if he is Infact violent. I think this because I had an ex boyfriend who done exactly the same. 1
goodyblue Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I'm just going to say that I really think the best thing for you is to move forward without a backward glance. My opinion is that if she knows about you already, there really is not much more you can do. If you feel you MUST do something, simply make an anonymous email account, email it to her, then be finished with it. This is so much drama and you don't need that in your life. They will have to deal with their crappy marriage, and you must take care of yourself. Tread lightly, you don't want any trouble with their weirdness. Hang in there and let us know what you decide. 1
GypsumSatellite Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 I can understand your snooping, psshht. I did a fair amount of my own with all the informaiton my MM laid at my feet. You hear enough stories about someone and you see enough red flags, your natural instinct is to delve deeper out of caution. You found out useful information: you found out he has no regard for any of the women in his life. Not you, not BS, not OOW. There's no need to let him know what you know - he'll find a way to convince you it's not that bad or you're imagining emails or blame you for looking in his account and attempt to make himself look like the good guy. If I sound like I know what I'm talking about - it's because your MM's usage of you to get back at his W mirrors my own MM's behaviors and he's quite the manipulator. There's also no need to let his W know what you found out. She is with him for a reason and chances are she's dealt with this her whole marriage. She may be vulnerable to his manipulations as well. The kindest thing you can do is to look out for yourself: guard your health, your heart and your sanity by breaking from him as soon as you can manage. It can be tempting to think you can handle him being a player but it will undermine your confidence, esteem and faith in humanity trying to take his voracious appetite on. No one woman will ever be enough for him. This is his flaw, and one he's likely to never work on fixing. Be good to yourself and be safe.
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