Should I make my facebook public, so he can see I am "moving on"?

October 17, 2013

I defriended him three weeks ago. My profile has always been as private as can be. But I am thinking, maybe I should make it public, so he can see the pictures of me going out, people writing on my wall etc. ?

Because that's really the only tiny bit of motivation I've got. - Go out, so he'll think you're fine.

I am not checking his facebook. I am too scared he might have finally asked her to be his girlfriend. The girl he had on the side, while we were working on getting back together and improve our relationship. I also blocked his number three weeks ago, so I don't know if he's tried contacting me. I doubt it. I hope he has. But in the end it doesn't matter.

Maybe I should block his facebook too? Just so he can't contact me. I blocked hers, because it kept popping up in my search bar and it broke my heart.

I love him. I still do. I have had a terrible week of missing him, despite the fact that, rationally, he isn't special at all. He's actually not worth anything. I am better educated than him, despite him being three years older than me. I have more control over my life and my future, than him. He just started what's basically high school, at the age of 25. He's not stupid, just making stupid choices.

And then on the other hand, between the loathing and hoping he's in utter misery, I worry. I worry that without me he wont ever get help. He wont ever get treatment for his depression. And it will ruin him even more than it already has. He will keep making bad choices. I worry so much. And then I hate him.

I'm sorry, this turned into such a long rambling post. I am confused and I keep changing my mind. I would love to get him back. If he hadn't slept with her. That's the dealbreaker. I will never take him back. I can never forgive him for sleeping with her. I can never accept it. But my mind keeps "forgetting it" as if he's still that amazing person who was my boyfriend for 6 years. But he isn't. The last couple of months he's changed. He's become selfish, depressed, unable to see the consequences of his actions, unable to make up his mind about anything. He's given up on life.

I dont know anymore. I feel so sorry for him. And then I hate him. A minute later I miss him. Then I hate him again. Miss him even more.

October 17, 2013

no, keep it private. you're not ready for any kind of communication with him. You seem extremely vulnerable right now. Don't let him hurt you again.

what you can do is post a great profile pic. He can see that without entering your page.

anyways, go out for yourself, I know it sounds impossible right now, but you should try to be happy without him.

October 17, 2013

Hi. I can absolutely relate to you. Although the cheating didn't happen with my ex, he became a different person when things stopped being so simple. He drank way too much and just stopped dealing with life. He's 8 years older than me and I feel like you do about your ex, that despite age, I'm much more mature and I worry he's drinking himself to death (especially with the countless drunk dials I get) but what's helped me is to detach from him completely, block his number and his Facebook. It's tough sometimes but I just keep telling myself I don't want or need an alcoholic in my life and it's been helping. Hopefully some of this advice works....

October 17, 2013

no, keep it private. you're not ready for any kind of communication with him. You seem extremely vulnerable right now. Don't let him hurt you again.

what you can do is post a great profile pic. He can see that without entering your page.

anyways, go out for yourself, I know it sounds impossible right now, but you should try to be happy without him.

Thank you. I am not ready for any communication, no. What I wanted was to let him see what I do. But not to comment or anything. I have thought about the profile pic and changed it from a picture where you can see I am wearing his ring to one post BU. I know he can also see my cover picture, so I changed it to something without relation to him at all. It says "Be fearful of mediocrity" Something inspiring for me.

October 17, 2013

Hi. I can absolutely relate to you. Although the cheating didn't happen with my ex, he became a different person when things stopped being so simple. He drank way too much and just stopped dealing with life. He's 8 years older than me and I feel like you do about your ex, that despite age, I'm much more mature and I worry he's drinking himself to death (especially with the countless drunk dials I get) but what's helped me is to detach from him completely, block his number and his Facebook. It's tough sometimes but I just keep telling myself I don't want or need an alcoholic in my life and it's been helping. Hopefully some of this advice works....

Yes, I can relate. And I have cut all contact as well. Mostly for me. But also to let him know I won't accept his behavior. He can't treat me this way and I've reached my limit. I don't know if it got through to him, as I did not tell him this, I just blocked him after picking up the last of my things.

I dont understand how I can miss him so much, three weeks later. It is the longest we have ever gone without talking since we met each other 7 years ago. I keep thinking "Maybe he's left a lot of messages. Called me even!" but then reality hits. And it's more likely he hasn't, since he's got someone else in his life. And especially because he is proud.

I would often react by ignoring him, when we got into a fight. And he wouldn't text me for hours, even though I told him, that was what I needed when we fought. Instead he shut down and got stubborn.

October 17, 2013

No, keep your page private. If you are truly moving on, then it wouldn't matter if he knew what you are up to.

October 17, 2013

I will keep it private, then. Thank you guys for your answers.

Next question: Should I block him? This would only be for me. I dont want him to pop up in the search bar, whenever I write something similar to his name. Another reason is that he hasn't contacted me through facebook and it's making me sad. Not that I go around waiting for it, I don't. But when I sometimes think about it, it does hurt. By blocking him I wouldn't know if he'd wanted to contact me or not and I think maybe it would be better.

On the other hand, I fear he will actually contact me and it will pop up unexpected and ruin all the progress I've made at that point.

But I don't want it to look like I can't handle him being on facebook. I dont want to seem weak. And I do want him to be able to see if I chance my profile picture or cover picture. I want him to be able to miss me.

I dont know.

October 17, 2013

You are currently burdened with remaining connections to him. Healing and moving on will involve gradually breaking, releasing these connections. You ultimate goal will be, essentially, indifference. You will not be responsible for what he thinks, or feels, or how he turns out.

Now, to get there from here, you need to work on reducing those connections. Making your FB public would be a refletion of your intention to communicate with him. This will NOT help to reduce your connections, so don't do it.

Look carefully at this desire to "let him see that you are ... whatever". This is a desire to communicate with him, to maintain a connection. You will need to let that go.

You are not responsible for his state, for him seeking whatever help he may need, or anything like that any more. Don't do anything that fosters any of those connections with him - let them wither and drop away.

Block whatever incoming and outgoing connections you possibly can. Block everything. "What he thinks" or "What message it sends" or "What it looks like" is not important AT ALL. Something you might want to think about: he's probably not noticing. It may sound harsh, but just assume he's not thinking about you, not concerned whether you've blocked him, not noticing what subtle messages you are sending. I truly don't mean that to be harsh, but to help you let go of worrying about those things. Set all that aside. What is important is how you surround yourself in your life, and whether you can turn around, and keep your vision forward.

October 17, 2013

Block him. I tortured myself with FB. When she dropped me i kept looking.....Dont do this. Since blocked it does seem easier but not much. The pain of seeing him having fun with someone else would be too much for you. It was for me. Block block. I really dont think they care about your FB page. If you are dropped then they really wouldnt care what you were doing. I know how you feel. My ex was the same. So depressed. So down. But now its us who has to pick ourselves up. Take care. (Forum is has been so helpful to me, the range of advice is amazing and everybody is in the same little boat)

October 21, 2013

Thank you guys.

I don't know if I'll block him. I am not looking at his fb at all. I am a bit torn though. If I don't block him, he can contact me, which he hasn't. That makes me feel sad. and if I do block him, he cant contact me, which is fine. But I don't care if he sees my profile and I want him to know that. Instead of seeming resentful by blocking him.

October 21, 2013

Thank you guys.

I don't know if I'll block him. I am not looking at his fb at all. I am a bit torn though. If I don't block him, he can contact me, which he hasn't. That makes me feel sad. and if I do block him, he cant contact me, which is fine. But I don't care if he sees my profile and I want him to know that. Instead of seeming resentful by blocking him.

I encourage you to do what you need to do for your healing, rather than worrying about how he might perceive it. It sounds like blocking him would bring you some relief. If so, by all means do it. It's easy to get caught up in the game of appearances (I myself stalled on deleting my ex from FB), but try to focus on what's best for you.

October 21, 2013

Don't make your profile public! He doesn't deserve to know what you're up to. If he deserved, he wouldn't have cheated on you. If he really wants to know what you're doing, he can reach out to you and you can decide if you want to share with him. As far as blocking him- sure! If you think it will help, then definitely go for it! It's about what you want and need not him.

October 21, 2013

I just blocked him, because I realized something;

1) Blocking him would give me some relief. Not worrying if he'd contacted me whenever I get a message or worrying if his name suddenly would pop up somewhere.

2) The honest reason for not wanting to block him, was to allow him to check my profile. Somehow keeping that connection, not to get back together, but to let him see my picture and miss me.

So in the end, it would be better for me to block him.

October 21, 2013

Well done! I know it's hard, but this is a great step in taking care of yourself.

Sending good thoughts,

M.

October 21, 2013

Well done! I know it's hard, but this is a great step in taking care of yourself.

Sending good thoughts,
M.

Thank you, Minneloa.

You and everyone here helped me to take this step. I am very grateful.

I do have one more question. The last "strings" to him - I have a box of his stuff at my place. I was going to give them back. Get a friend to leave them outside his door. Or should I just throw it out? It's nothing big - Toothpaste, blackboard markers and stuff like that.

And the other "string" is that he is still following me on Instagram. I don't care and I don't mind, since I am not following him and he's not commenting or liking anything. He's always been a big fan of my nailart and he told me just before NC, that he likes it whenever I do my nails. When I didnt for some day, he'd always ask me why, because he missed it. So, I don't care about him following me and it doesn't make a difference to me, but should I remove him anyway as to cut him completely out of my life or what?

Oh, and I just found the gift calendar he made me a few Christmases back. I dont know what to do with it. I know it's full of sweet notes and "I love you"'s. I havent dared looking at it. But I know the bag it's in. What am I going to do with it?

October 21, 2013

Unless he's asked for his crap back, toss it. It seems like worthless stuff anyway. Gather up all his loose garbage, and include that note calendar thing, and throw it right in the trash. It's really not worth it to deal with him any further.

As far as instagram goes, can you delete him off that list?

October 21, 2013

Just block him on Instagram as well. As far as his stuff, have a friend take it back. It might seem worthless but who knows, it may mean something to him and it is nicer to return it. The calendar.. You could throw it away, and if you're not ready to throw it away, put it away in the back of a closet for six months. If you haven't felt the need to look at it after that time then you know you're ready to throw it away.

October 21, 2013

Unless he's asked for his crap back, toss it. It seems like worthless stuff anyway. Gather up all his loose garbage, and include that note calendar thing, and throw it right in the trash. It's really not worth it to deal with him any further.

As far as instagram goes, can you delete him off that list?

I feel bad tossing his things. I know they aren't valuable in that sense, but still. They are his. I would want him to deliver my t-shirt back if he found it. Even if it wasn't expensive. Somehow I feel I would be the better person for delivering his stuff back.

I can remove him from the list, yes. But is it really worth it? I made his instagram for him. He never really used it and I don't know if he ever uses it now. He could easily view my pictures even without following me. I have no way of knowing and I don't care. If he wants to follow my life, be my guest. It will only make him regret his decision more. And if he doesn't follow me or my life, so what?

October 21, 2013

Just block him on Instagram as well. As far as his stuff, have a friend take it back. It might seem worthless but who knows, it may mean something to him and it is nicer to return it. The calendar.. You could throw it away, and if you're not ready to throw it away, put it away in the back of a closet for six months. If you haven't felt the need to look at it after that time then you know you're ready to throw it away.

I really don't know about the calendar. I practically had to force him to do it back then, because he thought it was too expensive. Then we agreed on the note thing and it's so full of love. It hurts me to even think about it. It makes my stomach turn when I see it. As I said, I haven't looked at it, because I can't. But then again, I didn't look at it before the BU either. I just kept it because I treasured it. And all the effort he'd put into it. So. I really don't know. I don't think I will ever look at it again - It will remind me of what I no longer have. And that everything might have been a lie anyway. But I don't know if I can throw it out either.

October 21, 2013

I just blocked him, because I realized something;

1) Blocking him would give me some relief. Not worrying if he'd contacted me whenever I get a message or worrying if his name suddenly would pop up somewhere.
2) The honest reason for not wanting to block him, was to allow him to check my profile. Somehow keeping that connection, not to get back together, but to let him see my picture and miss me.

So in the end, it would be better for me to block him.

YES! Congratulations. You chose to arrange your life in the best way for you, instead of basing that decision on your connection with him. This is a good step, and let this guide you into the future!

As far as his stuff, just look at it like a kind of a golden rule thing: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Is there truly anything in this stuff that you would expect someone to go to the effort to return to you? And then there's the cost/benefit tradeoff - if you do choose to make that effort, is there a chance that it might open wounds for you? If you do choose to do it, then do it because it is the kind of person you see yourself being, not because you are sending a message or anything. ("I am the kind of person who returns a tube of toothpaste..." and not "I'll return this toothpaste to let him see that I'm moving on" or whatever...)

If you do go that way (returning his stuff), I think it's a good idea not to deliver it yourself. If it's the right thing to do, make it happen with the minimum connection to you.

As for the calendar, look again at the "cost/benefit" tradeoff. Are you thinking of keeping it because you can imagine it bringing you some measure of comfort and happiness once things level out in the future? (That's potentially a "benefit.") Or are you keeping it because of the difficulty and pain of letting it go, of breaking this additional connection? And if that's what is holding you back, won't you pay for that (a "cost") through some amount of continued grief, as it sits there, still in your life, waiting for something to happen? You said "It hurts me to even think about it. It makes my stomach turn when I see it." Unless that's likely to change in the future, I think this sounds more like a cost than a benefit, doesn't it?

Breaking each of these little connections is hard right now, but is necessary, and will ultimately get you to your goal of healing, reaching peaceful indifference, and moving forward in your life. Holding on to these connections (like the calendar) seems "easier" in the short term, because you avoid the difficulty of letting go, but it prolongs the connection, and drags out the larger process of healing and moving forward.

Edited October 21, 2013 by Trimmer

October 23, 2013

The title of your post in and of itself indicates you aren't moving on

If you are moving on you wouldn't be here asking that question about a ridiculous scenario

October 23, 2013

Nice work on the FB blocking. It took me a couple months to go that route but I just got damn tired of seeing my ex's face in my friends bar.

Cut ties, go NC, throw his stuff out, you can't care about his feelings right now. Time to focus on you.

Trick

October 23, 2013

The title of your post in and of itself indicates you aren't moving on

Hmmm.... That could possibly explain why she's here asking questions.

October 23, 2013

YES! Congratulations. You chose to arrange your life in the best way for you, instead of basing that decision on your connection with him. This is a good step, and let this guide you into the future!

As far as his stuff, just look at it like a kind of a golden rule thing: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Is there truly anything in this stuff that you would expect someone to go to the effort to return to you? And then there's the cost/benefit tradeoff - if you do choose to make that effort, is there a chance that it might open wounds for you? If you do choose to do it, then do it because it is the kind of person you see yourself being, not because you are sending a message or anything. ("I am the kind of person who returns a tube of toothpaste..." and not "I'll return this toothpaste to let him see that I'm moving on" or whatever...)

If you do go that way (returning his stuff), I think it's a good idea not to deliver it yourself. If it's the right thing to do, make it happen with the minimum connection to you.

As for the calendar, look again at the "cost/benefit" tradeoff. Are you thinking of keeping it because you can imagine it bringing you some measure of comfort and happiness once things level out in the future? (That's potentially a "benefit.") Or are you keeping it because of the difficulty and pain of letting it go, of breaking this additional connection? And if that's what is holding you back, won't you pay for that (a "cost") through some amount of continued grief, as it sits there, still in your life, waiting for something to happen? You said "It hurts me to even think about it. It makes my stomach turn when I see it." Unless that's likely to change in the future, I think this sounds more like a cost than a benefit, doesn't it?

Breaking each of these little connections is hard right now, but is necessary, and will ultimately get you to your goal of healing, reaching peaceful indifference, and moving forward in your life. Holding on to these connections (like the calendar) seems "easier" in the short term, because you avoid the difficulty of letting go, but it prolongs the connection, and drags out the larger process of healing and moving forward.

I really appreciate this post sooo much. It makes everything so much more simple to me. What a great way to put it. Thank you.

Based on your post, I should def throw the calendar out, but I just can't. I really can't explain why. I've thought it over these past days and I just can't. I know there's no point in keeping it. It will always remind me of what I don't have anymore. And since I have decided I am not going back to him no matter what, it won't ever become a good thing again. So it really should just go straight in the trash. But I can't and that hurts me.

October 23, 2013

I've asked myself this same question. However, I've always kept everything private, so it's gonna be super obvious if I make it public...

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Should I make my facebook public, so he can see I am "moving on"?

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