ss1891 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 It's been 73 days since the breakup and 67 days of no contact. He was my first love and we dated for 9 months. There was always a part of me which knew that he wasn't meant for me and that I deserved better. Every person deserves someone who respects them and loves them unconditionally. He broke up with me eleven times during the course of our relationship. He'd return two hours later begging for another chance and I would give it to him every time. He took advantage of my weakness and knew that I'd always come back. He knew he could say whatever he wanted and make demands that I just had to follow. Still, I can only think of the good times. Nothing prepared me for the emotional and physical anguish that comes with losing a first love. This time, he decided the breakup should be permanent. I swear, I could hear relief in his voice when he said he wouldn't take me back. There are days when it is easy...days when I realize that I don't really care about him and that I should just approach the cute guy in my biology class. Life feels right and I am relieved that I've started moving on. But on other days, I cannot help but stalk him on social media sites and I find a picture of us from ages ago and the feelings come rushing back. The pain is almost blinding. I feel like I just need to get out of here and have life changing experiences. I need to rebuild my life, travel, volunteer,etc. I want to start loving myself and focus on becoming a better person. But I don't know where to start. Does anyone really ever move on from losing their first love? Some people say it takes years to really accept it. I don't want to waste years of my life crying over him. Does it get easier? How do you cope long-term?
Philosoraptor Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Well there are your issues right there. You are overly concerned with the past. Who cares how long it's been since you last heard from him? He's out of your life and that's all that matters. Checking up on him in any way is just a way to cause yourself harm. Once you've stopped concerning yourself with the past you'll find that everything else falls into place fairly easily. 1
Author ss1891 Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 You are absolutely right. But how does one just avoid thinking about the past? Every time a memory comes up, I am unable to push it out of my mind. The more I force myself to stop thinking about him, the more my mind tricks me into thinking even more about him. I know that I want to get out of this pit and start moving on with my life, but I don't know how to. There are days when I wonder if I should just give up my no contact and call him up. I know that it will result in even more pain and heartbreak, but it would be worth it just to hear from him again. I've never been in love before and I thought that we'd end up married in a couple of years. It's hard to let that go.
shineslikegold Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 No no, don't break NC. You already know it will end in more heartache. The only way I was able to get over my first love was by building my own confidence up, and finally convincing myself that the relationship wasn't meant to be. For me, that meant throwing myself into any activity I could find. I was in college at the time, so it was easier to get out, join clubs, and meet new friends. You just have to do it. The first step is the hardest. I'm an extremely shy person, but I forced myself to go to a club meeting and ended up making friends that I'll have for the rest of my life. My most recent relationship is harder to get over because I don't have all those activities to throw myself into. But I learned one piece of advice I can give you - don't tell yourself to not think of him. The more you go "don't think of X" the more likely you are to think of him. Focus on anything else, and if your mind goes to him, don't beat yourself up over it. You made plans for the future, and it's difficult to just let that go. Whenever you think of breaking NC, focus on the negatives in the relationship. He broke up with you 11 times? Shouldn't you be with someone who is not so willing to let you go and take you back over and over and over? Make a list of all the reasons why he wasn't good for you, and take a look at that when you want to contact him. It will get better. I promise. 1
Author ss1891 Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 I am currently finishing up college and am extremely busy with school stuff. I've also joined a bunch of clubs, so I generally don't spend the whole day feeling sad. But the moment I return home and try to sleep, I am not able to. I've become an insomniac and I've lost about 15 lbs within the last few weeks. I feel like I've lost interest in everything I used to love and I spend most of time just trying to get through the day without crying. Is this normal? I know it sounds dramatic for a breakup, but this was the love of my life. He supported me through some very difficult times, including when I found out a family member had cancer. Now, I've lost my primary support system and I don't know who to talk to.
theonlyjuan Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Here is what I did ( I'm not guaranteeing you it will work ) You kinda have to force yourself in the beginning Exercise & eat well - You will feel much better about yourself and other things, you will look and feel healthier. You can take out a lot of anger in working out. Go out with friends - I put it off for a while but when I forced myself out I ended up having a good time. You will meet new people and make new friends, may even find a new guy. Get comfortable with yourself - I realised I am the only thing I have in this world forever so, try and enjoy your own company. I hated being by myself but I have now gotten used to it and enjoy my own space. It's mostly about breaking routine and habits, you will make new ones. If you are not happy with yourself then you won't be happy with anyone. No one should have to validate your existence for you. I would start by exercising first, then plan a day to go out with friends. Do that every week. Drag your friends out to places with you, force yourself to commit to things, otherwise you will find it harder to break out of this. The first step is the hardest but things will fall into place, take positive action in your life. A part of you probably doesn't want to let go and is scared of having a new life, you can't live in the past forever. The future is going to be better and you have to start believing it Sorry that was so long
organizedchaos Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 It's been 73 days since the breakup and 67 days of no contact. He was my first love and we dated for 9 months. There was always a part of me which knew that he wasn't meant for me and that I deserved better. Every person deserves someone who respects them and loves them unconditionally. He broke up with me eleven times during the course of our relationship. He'd return two hours later begging for another chance and I would give it to him every time. He took advantage of my weakness and knew that I'd always come back. He knew he could say whatever he wanted and make demands that I just had to follow. Still, I can only think of the good times. Nothing prepared me for the emotional and physical anguish that comes with losing a first love. This time, he decided the breakup should be permanent. I swear, I could hear relief in his voice when he said he wouldn't take me back. There are days when it is easy...days when I realize that I don't really care about him and that I should just approach the cute guy in my biology class. Life feels right and I am relieved that I've started moving on. But on other days, I cannot help but stalk him on social media sites and I find a picture of us from ages ago and the feelings come rushing back. The pain is almost blinding. I feel like I just need to get out of here and have life changing experiences. I need to rebuild my life, travel, volunteer,etc. I want to start loving myself and focus on becoming a better person. But I don't know where to start. Does anyone really ever move on from losing their first love? Some people say it takes years to really accept it. I don't want to waste years of my life crying over him. Does it get easier? How do you cope long-term? It'll get easier when you stop counting the days. Really? I have a general idea of how many months it's been, but the actual number of days? It won't get easier until you stop focusing on this so much. And broke up with you 11 times in a 9 month relationship??? That's more than once a month. This isn't a healthy relationship at all! And it was not a very long one either. I realize it's your first "love" but realize this isn't the way things are supposed to work. You'll be fine. Cut all access and accept this and move on.
Author ss1891 Posted October 20, 2013 Author Posted October 20, 2013 This helped tremendously. Thank you all for knocking some sense back into me
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