esc123 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Hello Loveshack community! This is my first post and I'm a bit nervous haha. I have come to these forums for years for a second opinion on any similar situation I go through. I find myself in a predicament where I have decided not to tell anyone of my situation, even my closest friends and family. I find myself in want of outside opinion.. no matter how harsh or understanding. I have turned here. I am 23 and have had a successful dating life. In my love relationships I have always left the girl better than how I found her and often times we stay friends(even if it must be distant ones). Throughout the years I have found qualities and values that I admire the most.. Spontaneity, integrity, unpredictability, fun, passion for life, willingness to see conflict as a good thing.. of course this woman has them all. She is 24. She has been married for 6 years. The first 5 of which were hell. They've finally settled into a trusting companionship this past year. But she has always had unspoken bitter feelings for everything that she does for him but she doesn't get in return.. And even for suffering the ultimate betrayal from him.. But somehow, I give her all of her favorite wishlist qualities through our friendship. She tells me she never thought men like me existed. We have been in the background of each other's lives since childhood. Always just a mutual friend away from each other, but not meeting or saying a word until just a couple months ago. We were both happy before we found each other but we truly make each other's lives a little better.. A great chemistry and a great human soul, I thought.. A friendship that is truly blessed. With every meeting we have grown more and more intimate. We have let each other in more and more into places where we've been too uncomfortable to let others into. And there has been so.. so so many beautiful storybook moments. late night walks at the park, cooking dinner for each other, spontaneous road trips, little moments.. big memories. Every moment perfectly leading into the next. Every time together has held a perfect opportunity to have a first kiss or to let one fall completely for somebody.. But in our situation we simply enjoyed the moment .. and admired our chemistry. We had both already secretly fallen, but were doing everything to keep things platonic to preserve our relationship.. our friendship. Anything to keep each other in each other's lives for a long long time. One day as she dropped me off back at home we parked and had pillow talk in the vehicle as we often times do. There was a very intimate conversation, some good advice, some joking, some teasing, some dangerous flirting.. then all of a sudden.. she grabbed my parts.. and I let her. She teased my body with her hands and I couldn't bring myself to stop. I grabbed her breasts.. and at one point suggested we get in the back seat. Thank goodness that we didn't.. We left it at that and had a long tear jerking talk afterwards. Although it all felt so right and deserved.. I knew that it was all wrong. There are a million pretty girls in the world who have her qualities. I should not be falling for the one who is married. As a man I feel I must take responsibility. She felt guilt for wanting both me and her husband. The apologized to me for wanting me for the night just so she could have me.. And still wanting to keep her husband tomorrow. She felt bad for doing this to her husband. I told her she's okay by me. We both did this. We're in this situation together. She's human and she's allowed to make mistakes sometimes. But now.. we're gonna have to show each other how much we truly admire and value each other.. by doing the right thing from here on out. I continued to console her and told her we should not see each other for a little while.. As I left the car I felt so many moments to give her a final kiss goodbye(which would have been our first kiss).. But I refused. Even though we've done much worse already, I will not use that to justify a much anticipated and desired kiss... We have secretly fallen very deeply for each other. We feel like the main characters of a romantic comedy. Everything has been perfect.. Yet everything has lead to something so bad. She sends me romantic texts of missing me and what she wishes we could do.. What we could be in an alternate universe. I reply only with light-heartedness and wit. I am somewhat proud that we were able to stop after one night.. But we both find ourselves regretting not kissing. It is seeming to me that she needs to get "it" out of her system. One night of being with each other. No regrets. But those things hardly ever work out in the end.. right? I'm trying to salvage our beautiful relationship to last a lifetime, even if it must be as friends. I don't want the selfishness of a moment to make me lose somebody like this. But I feel what she feels.. the lust.. the infatuation.. the regret for not kissing.. But i think of her husband. He is a man with his own world he lives in. A past and a bright future. He was a small boy once, and one day he will become a frail old man. He should be taken into account. This would shake his world to the core. Even if he never found out I would be disrespecting a fellow human soul. His, hers and my own. Am I doing the right thing in going cold turkey? What do you think will salvage our friendship, if anything.. What of the idea of just one night together, which neither of us feel like we'll regret or will lead to more. What has become apparent after time is the regret of not doing anything sexually romantic with our coming together is much stronger than trying to do the right thing.. Is that just the silliness of a selfish moment? In the end she would not leave her hubby. And I would not want her to. I want to see marriages find ways to work out and go the distance. She just cannot get over that she so desires me for just one night. And assures me her and I would still be friends afterwards.. sigh* What would one wiser say to me right now.. I'd love to hear your stories as well.. and what you may have done and how the outcome has been. I know this has been a long post, thank you. I look forward to getting yelled at haha.
trailrunner1975 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Been where you are and know how you are feeling. The childhood friend thing is unique and exciting. I will caution you that things may not head in a direction that will work in your favor. Look around at all the currents posts on this forum. You have a 99% chance of going through a lot of what you read. And the chance of you being that 1%? Right now you can get away pretty much unscathed, any further will put you in wild territory. Good luck with your decision.
trailrunner1975 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Oh-cold turkey would be my decision if I had it to do over.
KentuckyGent Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Yes you are doing the right thing if you go cold turkey. The deeper in you get, the harder it becomes. It's awful. Don't do it. With feelings like this it is impossible for you to be "just friends". 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 You allude to "the ultimate betrayal", what exactly do you mean? Also, you say she builds up resentment for things she does for him. I was like that in my 20's...and I was wrong. I should give/do things willingly or not at all. I should do it because I want to...not because I expect something in return. I was keeping score...a shallow way to live. There will be no going back once you cross that line. 1
KentuckyGent Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 yes there will be no going back if you have sex. . . . unless she's you know really terrible in bed!
Charlie Harper Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Let me be straight: In your part you are not commited to anybody so basically you could do anything, but you have chosen the higher road and KUDOS for not falling into it. She is involved with you, there is no way she can love 2 people the sam e way, her marriage is not as good as she says because if thast is the case THERE IS NO WAY your relationship would transform into what you have described. BELIEVE ME I BEEN THERE more than once. No contact is the only way, if you kiss her or have sex you are opening a door that can be closed easily and in the end might destro her marriage even more, and will put you in danger or end up really hurt. I know its easier said than done but look elsewhere and be strong, most affairs happen like that and end up badly. Good luck
Speakingofwhich Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 some joking, some teasing, some dangerous flirting.. then all of a sudden.. she grabbed my parts.. and I let her. She teased my body with her hands and I couldn't bring myself to stop. I grabbed her breasts.. and at one point suggested we get in the back seat. Thank goodness that we didn't.. We left it at that and had a long tear jerking talk afterwards. sigh* What would one wiser say to me right now.. I'd love to hear your stories as well.. Not that I'm wiser but..... I would say, "She grabbed your parts?" That was the first physical move either of you made and she, a woman, grabbed your parts before, and without, kissing you? I would say, " You write,'Thank goodness we didn't?'" Hmmmm, interesting! 2
janedoe67 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I have been the woman you have fallen for, and I can tell you that there is no good ending for anyone. If you really are as, well, caring as you seem, one time will not be enough for her. It will make her fall harder. And she won't be able to leave him. And she will cling tighter to you. And either you will not be able to handle it, or worse, you will WANT to handle it and begin a real live deep love affair. She believes that this feeling, this time with you would fill the void for real if she just were with you once. It won't. And you are selling yourself short because, as you said, there are single girls with all her qualities. I know... I KNOW this hurts like heck and that the idea of cold turkey is awful. But in the long run it is best. 4
BetrayedH Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 You are not her friend. Quit fooling yourself. That ship sailed a long time ago. And a real friend wouldn't participate in the destruction of her marriage. And I have a feeling that your "cold turkey" comment just means cooling your jets but still remaining "friends." Rest assured, that won't work despite your best efforts. You'll find yourself back here saying, "It just happened." The reality is that you're consciously blowing thru one stop sign after another. What really needs to happen is that you need to go "no contact" until such time as the ink is dry on her divorce papers. You know that's the right thing to do. But sadly, I think you're a million miles from accepting that. I suggest the book, Not Just Friends. 3
kamani Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Please don't go there. You are just 23 and life is too short to be wasted on an affair, specially at your age. I know it is going to be hard for you to go 'no contact'. But if you allow this to go further you will be in great pain, much worse and ruin your youthful years. You were in an emotional affair but now it has started being physical. Neither she, nor you can stop yourselves after having sex just once. You sound like a good guy, with some respect to everyone. Get out now, save yourself from great pain. 2
Lessons Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 xMOW here, fresh out of a 2-year A with a MOM. Our A started much like yours, with a friendship that quickly turned into a deep emotional connection. We resisted the physical involvement for a year. Oh, how I wish I could turn back the clock and re-think the decision to take that leap! Believe me, indulging your "one night only" fantasy will NOT satisfy you or your MW - it will only make you want each other more and lead you both to take greater and greater risks to be together once you open that Pandora's box. Sadly, I agree with other posters that you have crossed the "just friends" boundary and will never be able to go back to the friendzone, as much as you may want to or believe you can. You have already sacrificed the friendship - now you need to move on and never look back . . . except with relief at the pain and misery you escaped. In my experience, complete and permanent NC is the only way out of the fog. You were wise to reach out for advice before taking the next step, and I hope our replies have helped you see your choices a bit more clearly. All the best to you. 3
Hopelessromantic25 Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 walk away.that is the only thing you have to do and then everythin will fall in place. By walking and giving it time will be the only wag you'll know if it was meant to be. resist the temptation and try to take yourself out of the equation. if what you both have is real, then distance and time will definitely tell you whether or not it is. I went NC because it had to be done and like you there was chemistry and magic that we both felt. But I was always going to be second best. no matter what the AP says, you have to look out for yourself friend. tell her you love her and you think it's better to let time tell. that's my opinion. Good luck!
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