princess_peach Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I've been on exactly five first dates in the last two months, the most recent being yesterday, and all except one have been very... substandard, and I am at a loss as to how to effectively communicate to men what I expect from them without coming across as insecure, needy, or anything other than a high-value woman with standards. When I was 17 and dating a 20-year-old and he drove me home after a date, I made a firm decision in my head that I was not getting out of the car unless he did first because he was walking me to the door and that was that. He was not thinking the same thing. I told him very passive-aggressively that I was too tired to walk, and after about 10 agonizing minutes he finally got the hint. I think that was the first time we kissed and it was nice. But I am in my mid-twenties now and I've always found hints annoying, so I'm just wondering if there's a better way to handle this. A few recent examples: I like a hug as soon as we meet up, especially with online dating, because this tells me immediately that he finds me attractive, so I feel much more comfortable. 2/5 guys did this. If the guy doesn't kiss me by the end of the date, I can't help thinking that it's because he isn't very attracted, so I will absolutely not ask him out again (although if I like the guy I will accept a second date if he asks). 1/5 did this. Out of the four that didn't, one I didn't like, another was not attracted, the other two both hugged me and I am fine with that, but so far neither of them has asked me out again (one was yesterday; the other was last week). I expect a text within 24 hours after the date. 4/5 did this, so no problems here yet (the other waited five days to tell me he wasn't attracted). Except the only one so far who got a second date got a bit lazy afterword (no contact until four days later). I don't like to initiate these things because I want my man to take the lead, and if he doesn't, it tells me that he's either not that interested, or not making enough of an effort for me to bother with him.
Copelandsanity Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Generally, hints don't work with the men. The reason why is because they are extremely simple creatures and take everything literally. Saying something like, "I like it when a guy walks me to the door when the date ends. It's one of those little things he can do to make the night even more special than it already is" works a lot better than passive-aggressiveness. The statement honestly conveys your thoughts in a positive manner, gets the job done, it will end up making the both of you feel good afterwards, and he will likely incorporate this gesture in the future. 1
Copelandsanity Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 As for the other items: 1) I don't think hugging should be a big deal. I do it, but some girls either don't make much of it or still find it not comfortable. 2) Kissing is an intimate gesture. If it doesn't happen soon or he doesn't make much of an effort to schedule another date soon, I would conclude that he's just not that into you and would move on. 5 dates is a rather small sample size, though. I wouldn't make too much of it.
stillafool Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 2) Kissing is an intimate gesture. If it doesn't happen soon or he doesn't make much of an effort to schedule another date soon, I would conclude that he's just not that into you and would move on. 5 dates is a rather small sample size, though. I wouldn't make too much of it. I agree. When a man is really interested he will contact you within 24 hours or sooner to make a follow up date. I think you just haven't found the right man yet. 1
clia Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I think your expectations are a little weird, but to each their own. I wouldn't blame a guy for not giving you a hug right away during your first in person meeting. Some women are really averse to that kind of thing on a first meeting, and the guy might avoid doing it out of caution. Honestly, it sounds like most of these guys weren't all that into you. (Only 1/5 asked for (?) a second date, and then didn't contact you for four days?) I think you are right on that a guy will make an effort when he is interested. These guys seem pretty lukewarm, and nothing you can say about your expectations is going to change that.
kendallk Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I did a 2year long stint with online dating where I went on toooooooons of dates. I went on around 10 first dates a man for a year straight and I grew tired, took a short break and did it again maybe less around 6 first dates a month. Im just warning you there arent that many genuine relationship-minded wellmannered men online. It might be where I live, the hookup culture is big here, but thats my experience and my gal friends who have done it found it to be the same. Not that many will show a high interest level in the beginning...half of the ones that do are doing it to get into your pants and will poof or treat you bad once you start having regular sex. Its a numbers game. I eventually found a guy who is pretty much the only decent guy Ive ever dated so it was worth it. But man I went through a ton of men. Not everyone is the same as you. I found it offputting if a guy kissed me on the first date. I found the ones that did that really just wanted sex. I dont think its appropriate when your first date is with a stranger.
Author princess_peach Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 I think your expectations are a little weird, but to each their own. I wouldn't blame a guy for not giving you a hug right away during your first in person meeting. Some women are really averse to that kind of thing on a first meeting, and the guy might avoid doing it out of caution. Honestly, it sounds like most of these guys weren't all that into you. (Only 1/5 asked for (?) a second date, and then didn't contact you for four days?) I think you are right on that a guy will make an effort when he is interested. These guys seem pretty lukewarm, and nothing you can say about your expectations is going to change that. Yes, I know I'm weird. I wouldn't consider it a requirement to hug right away, but the three guys that didn't do that also did not make any attempt at physical contact at all (I mean not even so much as a light touch on the arm) until the very end, and that makes me very uncomfortable. Actually, 3/5 asked for a second date (including the one who told me that he wasn't very attracted); I only accepted one of them. Kissing is an intimate gesture. If it doesn't happen soon or he doesn't make much of an effort to schedule another date soon, I would conclude that he's just not that into you and would move on. 5 dates is a rather small sample size, though. I wouldn't make too much of it. Maybe it's just me being weird again, but if I'm attracted to a guy, I'm thinking about kissing him after about half an hour, even if it's our first time meeting in person. I can wait until the second date at the latest before I start getting frustrated and wondering where I stand. Isn't the guy supposed to try to progress things sexually?
Author princess_peach Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 Most women don't like it when the guy tries to progress things sexually though. Exactly my point! This is why I don't automatically conclude that they're not interested if they don't try anything, but how do I let them know that I want them to try without taking the first move away from them?
ConstantVoyager Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I think it's possible that you're going into these dates with too many expectations. Try to relax and see how it progresses naturally. Just because a guy doesn't touch you doesn't mean he doesn't want to touch you. He may just not feel comfortable doing it the very first time he's ever set eyes on you in real life. It would bug me much more if the guy didn't make contact relatively quickly after the date. (Two days max.)
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