How I ruined my relationship and lost my soulmate

[handsonthehips]

Hi everyone,

 

Here is my story.

 

Me and my ex dated on and off for 9 years. We met while both young her 17 and me 18. Our first break up was after 2 years. She broke up with me. It crushed me and tbh she did not treat me well during the break up either. I was devastated but after about a month she asked for me back and I accepted. She explained that she had always wanted to be with me but that she wasn´t happy with certain things. In all honesty her breaking up with me made me look at myself in the mirror and realise certain things about myself that I wanted and needed to change.

 

Whilst we were broken up I had decided to go travelling as a way of trying to feel better and get over her. When we got back together I asked her to join me but she said she couldn´t. I decided I would still go anyway as I had planned it all and thought it would be good for me. Whilst away we decided we would have an open relationship, although in reality it was my idea. I thought this would be easier as we would be apart for a significant ammount of time and were both still very young. Whilst travelling I had, at first, the probably the best time of my life. I felt such a sense of adventure going off to foreign lands and learning a new language. In terms of girls I kissed a few but no more than that, my ex was still the only one I had any serious feelings for. A few months down the line however, I found out my ex had slept with two guys and told one she loved him while they were in a ´temporary relationship´. This devastated me again. The sex was not something she couldn´t do but it hurt me that she could do something I couldn´t bring myself to do. Her telling another guy she loved him was also a betrayal of trust IMO no matter how ´temporary´ their relationship was. This time I broke up with her. I was crushed but after a while and her expresing deep regret and apologizing I decided to take her back - we had never been very clear about what was ok and not ok in the open relationship so I decided to give her another chance as I loved her.

 

A few weeks after this I had a complete mental breakdown relating to a mental illness I suffer from. My dream trip turned into a complete nightmare and every day was hell on earth, I feel like a came close to suicide but I suppose that might just have been something I believed rather than reality after all. I eventually opened up to my ex about my mental problems that I had never told her before, I was terrified she would think I was a freak or a monster but instead she was loving, understanding and caring towards me. She soon came out and joined me on my travels. My mental state however, deteriorated again and life became a constant struggle for me. She supported me throughout even though I must have been horrible to be around as I stopped caring about myself and stopped liking anything in life.

 

When we returned to the UK, my mental health improved a bit and I could function normally again. I started to feel like I was too young to be in such a committed relationship and started to doubt if we would work out. I loved my ex and didn´t see any faults in her yet these doubts consumed me. I ended up breaking up with her but saying I could still see us being together in the future but that now I needed to feel free for a bit. She was devastated. I eventually moved to another city to study. We were officially separated but in reality still acted like we were together. Although it was her calling me a lot more than the other way around and she didn´t want us to be separated at all.

 

After finishing my studies I decided I needed to go abroad again to try to get back my initial experience. My ex was still studying at University and I thought I cant stay in England anymore so off I went. Again whilst away we were ófficially´ separated but still behaved towards each other as if we were togther, or at least she did to me. She loved me and wanted to be with me but I was still in únsure´mode.

 

Whilst away I had a panic moment related to something else and asked her to marry me. She said yes but I told her after that I was deeply sorry but I didnt want us to get married because of me being in a panic state and that when we get married it should be because we were clearly in love and ready. A relative of hers then passed away and I did not show enough love to her, I don´t know why, it still haunts me to this day.

 

Eventually I returned to the UK and we got back together properly. She had essentially waited for me for two years. She clearly loved me a ton.

 

Our relationship went well but then back came my doubts. I convinced myself that almost all relationships fail and that she could well break up with me at any moment so I better do all the things I wanted to do regardless. I wanted to recreate the feeling of happiness I had when first traveling. So I decided I would go off again. I thought I cannot tell her to wait for me again as it would be so unfair on her so I broke up with her completely or at least that was what I made out to her. In my head I still though we would end up together as I knew we loved each other. I thought a moment would come when I´d feel ready for marriage and a family and I only wanted that with her.

 

Whilst away we spoke at first and she pleaded with me to let her come out there and be with me. I wanted to say yes but wasn´t 100% sure and thought I can´t say yes unless 100% certain I wanted her back because otherwise it would not be fair. So she broke off contact with me. Time went buy and I ended up moving abroad again. She eventually spoke to me again and said she wanted to be friends.

 

Some time passed and I started to miss her greatly and want her back. I decided I would ask her. In all the time abroad I had never once felt more than physical attraction to another woman and always felt love for her and imagined us being togther again. I decided I must love her. When I asked for her back she told me she was with someone else and that she would never take me back. It absolutely destroyed me. I had blown it. All those years she had waited for me, showing me love when I showed her very little and yet I didn´t appreciate her. I think deep down insdie I must have thought she would always love me and that the time would come for us to end up together.

 

Now my world is in shatters. I had everything I could dream of and threw it all away. The way she has spoken to me burns my soul - in the sense that I can hear the lack of love in her voice.

 

I cant even feel sorry for myself as I´m getting exactly what I deserve. I put her through so much and just took her for granted. Im now feeling how I must have made her feel. Karma is getting me.

 

The regret is horrific. I cannot stop thinking about why I did all those stupid things that I had no reason to do, even when I broke up with her I didnt really know why. She was perfect and I knew it, yet I convinced myself that I should leave her.

 

I´m now struggling to deal with day to day life. I tried to do NC yet kept calling her back. I begged her to take me back, wept, pleaded, told her I would do anything. That I would marry her, have children with her, quit my job - anything. All of that remains true I´d do anything to get her back yet I know she won´t ever have me back now. I have cried to the point where there were no tears left. The thought of her with someone else just adds to my suffering

 

I don´t think I will ever meet someone like her. No one is going to love me like she did.

 

My current NC has lasted 72 hours. In that time I have slept maybe 6 hours and barely eaten.

 

My regret, heartache and guilt is all consuming and I don´t know how to stop it. I can´t even be angry at her because she has done nothing wrong, the blame lies all at my feet which makes it even worse.

 

I lost my angel

 

Thank you for reading my story. Any advice would be much appreciated

[Philosoraptor]

You suggested an open relationship but couldn't handle the results. She kept taking you back after you had your episodes but you kept finding new reasons to end it.

 

But you don't speak as a person in love, but out of neediness and codependency. Like someone who lives in fear and regret.

 

You should seek counseling for whatever mental issue is causing you to have these moments, and your codependency need, as it will continue to plague your life until you get these issues under control.

 

Once you've learned to accept your choices and how to find internal happiness, you will be able to find someone you can have a healthy relationship with.

[sad_bubble]

Some people are like you. They tend to doubt while making various decisions related to things, people and their own life. Things might get hectic, when your doubts are addressed to the one, who loves you.

 

My ex was doubting about various things before we were together. Then once we were in the relationship, he started doubting me and this crushed the relationship in 2 years time.

 

He says that I am the ONE, but once again comes back to his nature of doubting everything, and hurts me with his words or actions.

 

My tip - don't be afraid to dive deep into relationships and aim for someone WITHOUT doubts. Believe me the future would show you whether she is THE ONE, it happens naturally and you don't need to doubt to make the process faster.

 

Afterall, in order to feel the true love, you have to give your heart to the person (not give and take back, give and take back). It might crush you or you will finally find your angel.

[Criticality]

Are you still abroad? You need to get back to the UK. I'm worried that your mental state can rapidly deteriorate when you're under a lot of stress and lack of sleep.

 

Granted, I don't know the details of your problem, but many psychiatric conditions easily worsen with a lack of sleep and stress.

 

Take care of yourself at least.

[handsonthehips]

But you don't speak as a person in love, but out of neediness and codependency. Like someone who lives in fear and regret.

 

 

Thankyou everyone for the replies.

 

I dont see how I dont love her. If that were the case I wouldnt be reacting like this. I am not normally filled with regret only this time. I would gladly marry her.

 

I realise I took her for granted and blew it. I just dont how to get better. The regret, the fact she is with someone else Tortures me. I keep having suicidal thoughts. apart from the fact it hurts others death seems nice. I cant go back to the UK as I have committed to a job and a rwnt contract not to mention i couldnt bare being where she is

[Philosoraptor]

Self harm won't help you and will only hurt more people. Friends, family, and anyone in this world that cares about you.

 

I never said you didn't love her, I said you're not speaking from a place of love. You are very much caught in regret and wishing you had taken a different path instead of accepting the choices you have made and learning to live with them.

 

You need to take care of yourself now. If you have suicidal thoughts you need to seek a therapist to deal with this and the codependency issue that has you in a tailspin now that she has moved on.