mustangguy29 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I am 32, she is 47. We have dated for 3 years and have lived together in my house for 2.5 years. I love her, and she loves me. We have so much in common and hanging out with her is effortless, and we almost always have a good time whether it is hiking, or just sitting on the couch together talking. I think she is a special and unique individual. When we first started dating I told her I wanted to have kids, and she said she would be willing to try with me, despite her age. That changed about a year into the relationship and we have never tried to have kids. She has said she would be willing to consider adopting or fostering, but is not okay with getting pregnant or us using a surrogate. I really want a kid with my own DNA, but I might be okay with adoption, but even for that the clock is running out and she would not want to be an "old" mom. I could probably live without having kids, but 30 years from now when she is gone and I am alone and with no children, will I regret staying with her? Additionally, our sex life has declined to about once a month, whereas it was twice a week for the first 6 months of the relationship. This is less than I want it, but when we do have sex it is good, so I am coping. We have discussed it, and it is not going to change. Then, there are the long term concerns. We do a lot of physical stuff together, and that has always been part of both of our lives. Right now, we are both healthy and can climb a mountain. What happens when I am 55 and she is 70, and can't keep up with me? Finally, I am much better with how I manage my money. We both have decent jobs, but I have significant savings and she has none, and she will not take financial advice from anyone. I don't know how I will feel when she wants to retire in 20 years without the money to do it, and I am burdened with being the sole earner for our household. I think it will put a lot of strain on the relationship, and I don't want to dump her when she is 65 years old. She has not put any pressure on me for marriage, but I feel like I owe it to her to be make a decision to either commit to her, or to move on. I think I would be a horrible person if I kept dating her for another 10 years and then decided to dump her for someone younger, and left her on her own at 58. I feel like it is exponentially harder for women to find a relationship as they get older, so I think I should make a decision soon to stay with her til death due us part, or to let her go and find someone closer to my age. I love her, I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I don't know if I can really deal with the realities of our age difference (no kids, physical differences, sex drive differences, and retirement age differences) I could go find someone younger, but I have never met another woman quite like her, and at 32 it is not like I don't know what is out there. What would you do in my shoes, and why?
Mascara Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I *was* in your shoes - my ex is 17 years older than me. And I'll say what I've said in a similar thread today.... That age difference means less when you are both in the relatively young years, that is 20s / 30s and your partner is in their early 40s. But as time goes on, you are STILL in your prime years... and they've passed them. The age difference gets greater and greater. 1
Author mustangguy29 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 Leave..... Can you explain why?
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Because she's never going to give you the life you desire, don't live your life with regrets because you can never go back. Think about how you're really talking and describing this relationship, it's not what you want...you know how you feel, you're just scared like many people are...to give up something you don't know if you can replace. If you live in fear you'll surely have regrets from it and you'll always wonder what would have happened if you took the other road. 1
lollipopspot Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 In a number of ways you are incompatible. Among other things, it sounds like she has a really low sex drive (her age is not much of a factor in this at this point). Moneywise, maybe she feels that she can survive on social security, and any inheritance or whatever - I don't enough about that situation. I don't know that doing physical things like climbing mountains together is that important. You can do that with other people. In my mind what's most important is where you go at the end of the day. I think you have a big decision to make regarding children. I don't necessarily think you'll regret it if you don't. Having children is not really a matter of regret or not in the future though - it's a matter of do you really want to spend the next 18 or so years parenting a child now. Her basic personality will probably be the same into the future. I think that's the thing that you would be banking on in staying with her. The companionship and love that you feel for her, regardless of some physical decline. One thing though is that no one knows the future. You could get into a car accident tomorrow and she could be taking care of a quadriplegic you for the rest of her life (if she sticks around). When you bind yourself to someone, and are loyal to them through thick and thin, there is always risk (and benefit). I don't know what to advise. It's hard to make decisions that feel life-long, when you can't know the future and how you feel and what you'll want years from now. 1
lollipopspot Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Have you talked to her about all of this? I know some of it might feel rude, but I still think a really open discussion about your feelings and fears (and hers) might be helpful. Maybe you could talk to an understanding counselor first, and then bring her in. I really feel for you. From what you describe, I would probably have these kinds of thoughts too (I'm female, but I can easily imagine a female being in your position). 2
Author mustangguy29 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 Have you talked to her about all of this? I know some of it might feel rude, but I still think a really open discussion about your feelings and fears (and hers) might be helpful. Maybe you could talk to an understanding counselor first, and then bring her in. I really feel for you. From what you describe, I would probably have these kinds of thoughts too (I'm female, but I can easily imagine a female being in your position). I have talked to her about parts of it, but it obviously makes her feel very vulnerable and basically she goes into a mode where she tells me she loves me and wants the best for me and will understand if I need to leave her for someone younger, because she can't give me all the things I want in life. She says that I have to choose what will make me happy, and that she does not want me to regret anything. She says she loves me, and wants to be with me. I then generally tell her I love her and don't want to leave her, and by that point she is emotionally spent and wants to go take a nap. That doesn't really give me any progress on these issues.
Phantom888 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I dated a woman 9 years older, and i had similar concerns. I was considering wanting more kids. But she was already in her menopause. She was not interested in sex as much as me, and she had no money. Finally i decided to leave because we were just too different, and our needs are too different. IMHO, you should leave her, and find what you want. Or else you may regret it later, and you end up hurting her more.
Sunfire73 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 That's just too many life concerns in my opinion. You are not compatible in what you want in life. And yes, you will regret it. You are still young and can find someone more with a much more similar plan in life. You're not wrong in moving on. She has to understand and has to expect that this can happen. So I will not fault you on moving on, but staying with her and then eventually leaving. You have to decide as early as you are able to.
FitChick Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Men die about ten years before women do, one reason I date younger men. I am older than your girlfriend and dated a guy last year with the same age difference and he was "older" than I was. Not in good shape and not interested in taking care of his body. You are worrying about things way in the future that may not happen. If she dies before you, you can still date someone younger. A younger woman may die in childbirth. No guarantees. How much time do you spend around children? You have no idea what it's like to have them and the cost is horrendous, not just financially but emotionally. They are the catalyst for most divorces. Statistics may say it's money problems and sex problems, but that's because they have kids! No kids = more money and more sex. Why not foster different kids of different ages (one at a time) for a few months, to get a sense of what they are like on a daily basis? That is better than having your own because you get paid and if you don't like them, you can give them back. Can't do that with your own or you'll go to jail. Get a dog or two. If you cannot handle their daily care, never have kids. See a psychic if you want to know the future. 1
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